Archive for November, 2008

30
Nov
08

When I Learned To Never Tell…

I am warning you all now, this is a horrific account of my abuse, if you are an abuse survivor, take care reading, it made trigger memories. For others, this may sicken you, but I have to put these blogs out, I am tired of holding all of this inside. It’s time to TELL, to heal. *take a deep breath*

I was five, almost six years old. I had a beautiful puppy, I loved him so much, his name was Frisky. Oh he was so frisky, he loved me to chase him around the backyard, he loved tripping me, licking me all over my face. We were best friends. He made me happy! He was very special to me…I told Frisky my “secrets”, I knew he would never betray me, he watched me cry, he felt my pain. He would sit across my thighs and just be there for me. I know he understood.

One day “Dad” called me into the garage. I knew he was going to hurt me again, he loved to take me into the garage, he had a table especially for me, he would string up my legs, put things in me, do horrible things to me. I started to cry as I walked towards the garage (It was a detacted garage, more like a huge building in our backyard), Frisky followed me, even though I tried to shoo him away. We went into the garage where “Dad” was waiting for me. He grabbed me, starting hitting me over and over in the face, the head, the back with his fists.

“Are you thinking of telling someone?”  “No Daddy, no, I won’t tell, you told me never to tell Daddy, please you’re hurting me. Don’t hit me Daddy, please!”  He hit me harder, pounding me, as I curled up into a tight ball, trying to protect my face and head. “I will teach you to keep your mouth shut. You have been a bad boy, and what do bad boys get?”  “Punished…..”  “That’s right, bad boys get punished, you make me do this to you! Why do you have to make me angry?”  “Daddy please, what did I do? Daddy please don’t hurt me.” (There was never a reason truly, he just wanted to hurt me *sighs*). “I am going to show you what happens to bad boys who tell.” 

He grabbed my puppy, my Frisky. I was screaming, pleading with him to put my puppy down. I was sobbing and crawling towards him. “NOOOO” I was begging to him. “Don’t hurt Frisky, I will do anything, just don’t hurt Frisky!!!”. He held my puppy in front of my face, then he cut him, he cut him in the belly, spilling out Frisky’s insides, right in front of my face. I was crying so hard, screaming, I couldn’t believe he had killed my puppy! My best friend! He flung Frisky’s body down and grabbed me, pushing my face into…what had spilled out of my dog. I was vomiting violently as he started to rape me. It hurt so bad, he was especially brutal that day, making me bleed, raping me harder and harder. As he was doing that, he would say, “Are you going to tell anyone?”.  I couldn’t say anything, I was sick, covered in blood and other things, being violated, ripped apart. His voice was growling and low “If you ever tell anyone, I will gut you like that damn dog, you hear me?”. I knew he meant it, if I ever told anyone, he would hurt me, he would cut open MY belly. I was petrified, I was in horrible pain, I was covered in the awful smell of my best friends insides, my own vomit. Yet “Dad” didn’t have a problem “getting off”. When he was done, my body was aching, he shoved me hard and I fell stomach down onto the garage floor and the blood. “Clean it up, or I will beat your ass again.” He walked out of the garage, leaving me there, naked, bleeding, staring at my beloved Frisky, dead beside of me. I reached out, petting his fur, sobbing. I cried so hard I made myself vomit again. I knew I had to clean it up, or I would be in deep trouble and I didn’t want to be hurt again. I got some rags in the garage and wiped myself off, the I went outside with a spade and dug a hole for my puppy, I went back into the garage and picked up his limp little body, I kissed his head and told him how sorry I was, sorry that he was my puppy, sorry that “Daddy” hurt him. I buried him in the hole by the fence in our backyard, then went about cleaning up the mess that was made. Frisky’s blood, my vomit and blood. I scrubbed and cried and scrubbed harder. I was so angry, I was so hurt, I was in shock.

I swore I would never have another animal until I was away from “Daddy”. I would never let another of my friends get hurt by him. I cleaned up everything, then went into the house. He was sitting there, so arrogant, so imposing, eating his lunch. “Go take a fucking bath, you stink! Don’t let me see your face again until you are clean.”  “Yes Daddy….”. As I walked by him to go to the bathroom, he grabbed my arm, “You know it is your fault that your puppy is dead, if you weren’t a bad boy, I wouldn’t have to do those things. You know it’s your fault don’t you?”. “Yes Daddy…” He shoved me and I fell to the floor. “Crawl, crawl like piece of shit you are, crawl to the bathroom you little bastard. Wash that horrible smell off of you, you sicken me.” I crawled to the bathroom, ran my own bath (WHY should I have to run my own bath at five years old?), I sat in the hot, hot water, wanting to scald my skin off, to get him off of me, to get the smell of my poor puppy off of me. I dunked myself under the water and tried to stay there to drown myself, but my body wouldn’t allow that. I washed and washed, I cried and cried. I wanted to die with Frisky. God why didn’t he just kill me too? Oh but he couldn’t! He couldn’t kill his fuck toy, his punching bag. Now he knew, I would never tell and things only got worse.

That is all I can write for now, I can barely see through my tears and it took me a long time to type this, the memories right now are killing me. I kept having to get up and move, shake off the feeling that it was happening all over again. I have to go now…

29
Nov
08

Something Fun To Start The Morning…

I am going to be writing a more serious post later this evening, but I saw this site Typealyzer and thought it would be fun to post my results. It was scary accurate (well for me it was!). Enjoy and let me know in comments if it was for you!!   

                                                    

I am an ISFP

I am an ISFP

ISFP – The Artists– The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned to their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders. They tend to follow the path of least resistance and have to look out not to be taken advantage of.

They often prefer working quietly, behind the scene as a part of a team. They tend to value their friends and family above what they do for a living.
Brain Activity

Brain Activity

Analysis: This show what parts of the brain that were dominant during writing.
28
Nov
08

Friday? Is it Friday?

I wanted to write this nice post today, but there is NO way I can do it, I am far too tired. Exhausted is a better word, I am always tired, today I am literally exhausted. I am narcoleptic, I keep falling asleep here while I am DJing. Not a good thing haha. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am shaking all over, I keep breaking out in cold sweats, I am in a LOT of pain…I don’t think I have been THIS exhausted in quite some time.  So I am not going to write some profound post, sorry guys ‘n gals.

*sigh* D requested our song Everything by Lifehouse and it just came on. I am getting teary eyed. It is so my song to her. I think I will post the lyrics, then go, my shift is almost over and I am NEED to lay down. I will write something deeper tomorrow.

Lifehouse-Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place
where I find peace, again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light, to my soul.
You are my purpose, you’re everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, you’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want, you’re all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want, you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want, you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better, any better than this.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

*SIGH* I love you D…

Good night…

27
Nov
08

WordPress Thanksgiving

*edited*

I have to thank someone–I got home, was checking out my friends on my blogroll and came upon Echo’s Thanksgiving post. I was touched and humbled to see he included me in it. Please read it! (Read all of his blogs!) 🙂 —–> Echo’s Thanksgiving Blog! Thank you so MUCH man, I appreciate it. It was very nice to see!

I saw this link on wordpress and thought, “WHY not, I will do it!” So here goes.

What has motivated, inspired, enlivened, awakened, and otherwise comforted and thrilled you in 2008? Go on and share what you’re thankful for in a blog post, and be sure to tag it with “Thanksgiving08.”

My wife and best friend Kev have inspired me this year. Living with my illnesses inspires me to live and to write. My wife D comforts me and gives me more love than I have ever had before and she makes me happier than anyone ever. My children inspire me to be the best I can be, they inspire me to LIVE and to LOVE. Being a DJ inspires me everyday! I get to listen to great music, hear new up and coming bands and meet great new people!! My new friends who blog about their own abuses inspire ME to write more about mine, and hopefully help others!! I am thankful I am still alive and of course for wordpress, where I now have a voice!!

26
Nov
08

My Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I always write a blog about what I am thankful for, I usually write it ON Thanksgiving day, but I will be gone tomorrow morning, rushing back to see my Mama, then rushing home to be on air tomorrow night, I may not have time to write a blog, so I am doing it now.

I am thankful for:

Getting to see my daughter Mel tomorrow. She went to rehab last month and will be there until June. I haven’t seen her beautiful face in a month now and I miss her terribly. She got mixed up with a boy, he got her to try drugs, then he decided to go on a robbery spree *sigh*. She was the driver (she didn’t do any stealing), she was guilty by association and ended up with 60 days in jail and rehab. Personally, she didn’t need rehab, she wasn’t “addicted” to the drugs, she hadn’t been on them long enough TO be addicted, but the place she is in also teaches them life skills, helps them with getting set up for college and the work force, so in the end it will be good for her. My heart was so broken when all this happened, but I am healing, she is healing and doing really well, it’s all good. She is still a teenager so she has her whole life ahead of her and we all make mistakes, she just made a big one and is learning early! I love you Mel and I am thankful that you are on the way to making a good life for yourself.

I am thankful for my wife D. Honey you have given me so much happiness, so much love, so much care and compassion. I don’t know how to ever repay you for it all. The only thing I CAN do is love you with all I have. Yet another Thanksgiving together and here you thought we wouldn’t get past our first one. Next is your birthday this week, then Christmas and then MY birthday. WOW, I am fighting and will continue to fight for you. I will be here for those milestones, God willing. YOU are everything, never forget that. Remember, our love will never die and neither will I. I love you!!!

I am thankful for my Kevin. He has been with me through thick and thin. We have been best friends since we were 8 years old. He is so sweet, kind, loving, compassionate, caring. He takes SUCH good care of me, I don’t know what I would do without him. Kevin, I love you, more than you know. I am so thankful that you love me back and take care of me without thought, that you don’t make me feel like a huge burden. It means more than you know.

I am thankful for Gail. Sis in law, I love you, you are special to my heart. The way you want to protect and love me is amazing. The way you love D is nothing short of beautiful. I am glad you are in my life, you mean the world to me!

I am thankful for being alive. The doctors gave up on me years ago, told me I had 4-6 months to live. HAH! I showed them not to give ME a prognosis. I am stubborn, a fighter, I am persistant and determined. I have the will to live. I know one day my body will revolt and just give it up, but it won’t be from the lack of my want to live. It will be because my insides are mush and there is nothing left TO keep me going. My heart, my head will still be fighting to live. I know this.

I am thankful for Jerilyn. We have known each other for how many years now, 7, wow! I want to thank you for what you do for me. You help me out when I need it, you are one of the few people that help to make sure I eat, that my bills are paid. I love you dearly and I KNOW I will never be able to repay your kindness, the only thing I CAN do is give you my ultimate gratitude and friendship. You are one of the most compassionate people I have ever known. Thank you SO much.

I am thankful for the few new friends I have met. Thank you all for the nice notes, comments, etc. at my blog and my myspace. It is nice to know that people care and actually WANT to check on me to see how I am. It means a lot to me. Thank you.

I am thankful for God. He has given me the strength to keep going in spite of everything that has happened to me in my life. He is the light and the way for me, He hears my prayers and He loves me unconditionally.

Unbelievably, I am thankful for my abuse. It made me the man I am today, it made me STRONG inside, made my heart strong, it made me persistant, it made me push on to be the best man I could be. To prove to my abusers that I COULD live a productive life, get a good job, pursue my art and my music. Raise my oldest daughter by myself and raise her WELL. It showed me that I can get through ANYTHING life throws at me. I survived horrific abuse that most people would not even begin to fathom and I am still here. Yes I have problems because of it, but I am GOOD and LOVING and KIND and COMPASSIONATE. I have so MUCH love in me and that is the thing my father and my ex wife wanted to kill, all the good in me. Well, they didn’t and I am VERY thankful for that.

I am thankful for the roof over my head, the food I eat, the bed I sleep in at night. I know there are millions of people out there with nothing. I pray for you all every day. Yes I am far below poverty level due to my illness, but I DO have a bed, I do have food (even when it’s just ramen noodles), I DO have heat, a shower, shelter. I wish for all of those in need to have the love and compassion that people in my life have shown me. God bless those that are in need.

I hope everyone has the best Thanksgiving ever. Remember, be thankful EVERY DAY for what you have, for the love in your life, for your jobs, for the roof over your head, for the friends in your life, for your health. It could all be gone in a split second. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day, don’t wait, they could be gone in a New York Minute, don’t ever have regrets.

See everyone on Friday.

25
Nov
08

I Am Tired…

I feel especially weak and vulnerable today. The dialysis is getting to me much more than I thought it would. I had it yesterday, and then I barely had a voice, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to DJ last night, but I forced my voice to project as much as I could. I had a few listeners IM me and tell me that I sounded “tired”. If they only knew how right they were. I am tired. I really don’t know if I can keep this up. It is so hard on me, on my mind and my body. I WANT to live, I want to keep on going, but it seems harder each day to want to get up out of the bed. It disturbs me that I am feeling this way, I have always been a fighter, not giving up no matter what my “prognosis” was, no matter how bad I felt, through all the radiation and chemotherapy, through all the medications, the side effects, I kept on going. I never thought dialysis would be the thing to get me so down. *sighs* Please someone tell me it will get better, tell me I will get used to it and won’t feel so damned drained. I don’t have any energy, but I have to be “up” for the ones I love. I have to. I hate to worry them, I hate seeing their faces so pained, I hate hearing the worry in their voices. So I try to keep myself upbeat for them, but it’s getting harder. I want to feel better damnit! I want to at least have some strength, this has to get better, it just has to.

I am having problem with the friend who betrayed me so badly recently. He didn’t want to be my friend anymore, yet he won’t leave me alone. It is like he wants to break me, break my spirit. It is really sad, he was my friend for so many, many years and he threw it away like it meant nothing. He was one of the few people I really trusted, he knew so much about me, he knew me in the most intimate ways. We were best friends, we were best friends with benefits (lovers), he threw it all away. I still haven’t gotten an explanation as to WHY. I probably will never have closure on this and I really do need it. I didn’t do anything to deserve what he has done to me. I am shattered and it hurts my heart so much. He just took my heart and stomped it. If he “hates” me so much, then WHY is he still trying to contact me? It makes no sense. He contacts me to say hurtful things to me. MY GOD why? He knows I am sick, he knows better than most anyone how sick I am, he knows about how fragile my mind is, how abused I have been! Why in the hell would he want to make me feel worse by saying awful things to me? Has he lost his freakin’ mind? I don’t know, but I just want him to stop it. I had hoped he would come to his senses and we could mend our friendship, but it’s too far gone now, he’s said and done too many things to ever get it back. It’s over and it hurts.

On the up note, I have D, I have Kev, I have Gail. That makes me happy. They love me unconditionally, they always will. I know with 100% certainty they will NOT betray me. So I can live happily in that knowledge. I have my friends from the radio station, especially Tammy, who care for me. I have a few friends I care a lot about in my league at Pogo. I have a couple of people that I have met at myspace that seem to care a lot about me, so that is all I need. I never wanted tons of friends, the more friends you have, the more chance that they will stab you in the back. I am sick of being stabbed, it hurts, it scars and God knows I have enough scars, physically and emotionally. I only want goodness in my life from now on. I think I deserve it. I am a good person, or I try to be. I am kind and compassionate, loving. I only want to give that to people who care for me. I am not wasting my time on false friends, stalkers and the like anymore.

I am going to lay and rest a lot today. My radio show is not until 9:00pm ET tonight, so I should be able to get some strength up and be able to do a good show tonight. I hope anyhow. haha

24
Nov
08

Cutting, Self Mutilation And Why It is NOT Glamorous!

 

 

Self-mutilation is the practice of deliberately harming oneself (e.g., cutting, burning, scratching, pulling out hair).

I self mutilate, and I am here to say it is NOT cool. I am so sick of seeing teens blogging and saying “Like OMG I cut myself, watch me bleed!!”. It is not something to brag about, it is not a cool new “fashion statement”. Most people that self mutilate do not brag about it. We do our best to hide what we have done. For me, I cut to relieve the awful tension and pain I am feeling at that certain moment, I feel a release, then I feel horrible guilt. It is definitely not something I want to get online and brag about the next morning.

There are three categories of self mutilation:

  1. Moderate- Moderate consists of cutting, burning, carving and/or stabbing with sharp objects.
  2. Stereotypic- Consists of head-banging, arm biting, etc.
  3. Major self mutilation- This is serious and doesn’t happen often, it involves limb amputation, castration, and other things catastrophic.

My self mutilation unfortunately started when I was a young child. I remember the first time I banged my head, I was probably about 4 years old. I used a knife to cut into myself for the first time when I was the tender age of 8 years old. My self mutilation stems from the horrific sexual/mental/physical abuse at the hands of my “father”. The guilt and anger that comes with it. I was “trained” at a very young age, “Don’t scream, don’t tell”, it was my mantra. It was what I would repeat in my head as I was beaten and raped. *sighs heavily* I would go deep inside myself, the anger boiling, wanting to lash out, but knowing if I did I would be in SO much trouble. The only way I could release the seething anger inside was to cut, to hit my head, to bite myself, stab myself. I had to feel something to know I was still alive. I was thinking of suicide at the age of 6 years old! How pathetic is that? NO 6 year old should be contemplating how to end their life. I attempted suicide for the first time at 8 years old, by stupidly swallowing a huge bottle of aspirin. The only thing I got for my attempt was puking and horrible ringing in my ears for days. That is when I knew I had to do something to release the anger, the pain. So I started to cut, to stab myself with pencils, anything sharp.  I started pulling out wads of my hair, hitting my head on the walls, the floor…anything to feel, to breathe, to be alive. Later I chose the xacto knife as my “weapon” of choice. I have carved words into myself such as: bad, slut, hurt *sigh* I also carved angel wings into myself in my groin area to symbolize that ONE day I would be free of this abuse. I had a “symbol” burned into my arm, one I did NOT want to live with, so I took a zippo lighter, took a deep breath and held it to my arm, watching the skin on my arm bubble and burn. I burned it deeply enough to rid myself of the “symbol”.

I have many scars on my body, not only self inflicted, but inflicted by the sickness that is my “father”. I was ashamed of my body for years, not allowing anyone to see me nude, for fear of them being sickened by me and my scars. I would walk through the hallways at school, wondering if people knew, if they could smell my father on me. GOD it was awful. I got picked on a lot at school as well, I was autistic, shy, abused, quiet and never talked to anyone. So I was labeled the school freak, beat up, pushed around. That also pushed me to cut more, to hurt myself more. I figured somewhere deep inside I deserved the abuse by my father, by the other people. My mind was warped at such a young age. I was brainwashed. I was born into abuse.

I finally sought out therapy in my early 20’s, that is when I was diagnosed with a host of mental problems. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Major Depression, Suicidal Tendencies, Panic Attacks. I have horrible night terrors and flashbacks of my abuse. They say I will continue to have them until I die. I am on medications that do help the panic attacks somewhat, the depression.

I hate self mutilating and have tried to stop so many times. So many times I have sworn I would never do it again, but I get really upset and emotional about something, and bam there I am again, with my blade in hand cutting. I have tried to train myself that if I HAVE to cut, to only do it just enough to release, then STOP. I used to cut myself to shreds and watch myself bleed, feeling totally numb, then the guilt would set in and I would cry until I just couldn’t cry anymore. I cut when I get to the point of madness, when I feel like if I don’t have some sort of release, that I will implode, lose my mind. I will sometimes slam my head or fist into the wall as well, or tug at my hair, pulling some of it out. *sigh*

People who REALLY cut don’t brag about it, we try to hide it the best we can, by wearing long sleeves, never wearing shorts that might show our upper thighs (a typical place to cut). We don’t take pictures of it and post it on the internet. We don’t send out IM’s to our friends telling them all we are cutting. That is someone just wanting attention. It is NOT funny, it is NOT cool, it is NOT the new fad, it is NOT something to tell ALL your friends about.

If you are a REAL cutter, please, talk to someone, get help. Parents, please watch for the signs of self mutilation:

  1. Self isolation
  2. Unwilling to talk about their feelings
  3. Impulsive behaviors
  4. Low energy
  5. Lack of self esteem
  6. Over or under eating
  7. Feelings of hopelessness
  8. Loss of empowerment
  9. No coping skills
  10. Feelings of rejection/not fitting in

If you feel someone you know is cutting, please get them help. If you are someone who cuts, talk to someone, there are people out there who want to help you. Speak to a teacher, a friend, one of your parents. Don’t just keep quiet, don’t do what I did. Don’t keep your feelings and pain inside, don’t scar your body beyond repair. THERE is hope, there is treatment to help you. Don’t be like me.

I have really put myself out here, I feel raw and vulnerable. If you comment on this, remember that please. This WAS NOT easy for me to write, it was not easy to expose myself, but if I can help someone out there, it is worth the pain and anxiety I am feeling, the tears that sting my eyes as I write this. So please, if you comment, be understanding or don’t comment at all.




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