16
Nov
08

Questions…

Tell me how someone can be a friend/lover/whatever and just walk away, with no explanation? How does one do that? I just can’t understand it. If you have been friends for years, how do you just turn your back and just leave? If you have been lovers, how do you just say “I don’t want to be with you anymore”, with no explanation? It all makes no sense to me. I have had this happen to me more times than I can say. *sigh* It hurts, it hurts deeply.

I guess a lot of people can’t handle my illness. I didn’t ask for this, I don’t like it, and I really don’t like that it makes people run from me. I need friends in my life, especially at this stage. I need support and love. I don’t need to be screwed over six ways to Sunday, with no regards to my feelings.

Maybe I am not lovable anymore, not worthy of love and friendship, that is sure how it makes me feel when people just walk away.  It makes me wonder what I did wrong, or did I do anything wrong? Did I say something wrong, did I do something? Or is it simply my being sick that makes people walk? Was “dad” right, am I really this piece of shit, not worthy of love or affection? I guess when people just walk away without a word, without an explanation it is a form of abuse, it has to be right?

Is being a sex object, a verbal/physical punching bag or friend when it’s convenient all I am? Is this what defines my life? God.

When things like this happen, it makes it much easier to make decisions about my life, treatments that keep me going, etc. It makes me want to get this life over with as fast as possible, without affecting my soul’s entry to Heaven. Fuck this is hard, and so very confusing. I am shattered, once again. This time, can I be put back together again? I don’t know, I just do not know.

Life is so wonderful right now!

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1 Response to “Questions…”


  1. 1 D
    November 17, 2008 at 9:44 am

    Honey baby, I just don’t know with this one. I am truly flabbergasted by this entirely new and crappy situation. I really don’t understand how this whole situation got so intense and so wrong. I don’t even know what to say here in this blog. I guess I’m writing here just to show you that I love you and support your need to blog it out… and of course, that I will never leave you nor will I ever think or believe that you are any of those negative things you mention above.
    Of COURSE you are worthy of love and kindness. And yes, being ill is not something most can handle well…that’s why this new situation is so odd, being that the party involved KNOWS you so well. *sigh*. God. So, for those of us who CAN handle the illness and all that comes with it, just know that we ARE there, we do love you to pieces, forever and our loyalty and devotion to you is unwavering.

    I love you baby. I want to make it all better, but unfortunately it has very little to do with me. I wish I could give you perfect health and happiness and all the wonderful things that you deserve…. you DESERVE LOVE and happiness and most of all, peace of mind.
    I LOVE YOU. Forever.

    your wifey. D


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