Can only go up from here.

Let’s see…in the past two weeks I have been betrayed, started dialysis and some new medications,  been abused again by “dad”, cleared my life of bullshit “friends” and stalkers on myspace and nearly lost someone who means the world to me. To say I can only go up from here is an understatement I suppose. I am at rock bottom, I have never felt so low nor been so low in my life. I want goodness and love in my life from now on. I am tired of crying until I feel I might burst, I am tried of feeling like my heart is so shattered that I will never be able to put it back together. I want to move on.

Dori–I love you, I can’t say much more than that. You know how much, or you should. I try very hard to be upbeat and happy in spite of my illness and emotional struggles. I know some days I fail miserable at that, but even in the misery of myself, I still love you. We are solid, and we will survive all of this mess. I have faith in that. We haven’t come this far to just give up.

Steve–You betrayed me in the worst possible ways, you threw away a friendship that spanned so many years, age 9 remember? It blows my mind that you would do the things you did, say the things you said. I will NEVER understand why, and until you can give me a DAMN good explanation I don’t want to see you, hear from you or talk to you. You have shattered me. Thanks.

Kevin–I know you are so put in the middle of all of this and I am sorry. I love you so much, I have since that day we met on the playground when we were 8 years old. You are so good to me and I will NEVER be able to repay you for all you have done, all you will continue to do. You are a shining star, with the biggest heart I have ever seen.

“Dad”– FUCK YOU, you have NO MORE power over me. I have given you far too much already. You brainwashed me from the day I was born and I am sick of falling down to my knees like a little boy every time you approach me. NO MORE. You will not hurt me again, not mentally, physically, sexually. NO NO NO. I am done–no more. No more. Go away, just go away.

I am taking the night off of DJing, I am too emotionally fucked tonight to put 100% into it and I won’t do it if I can’t give my listeners my full attention. I am worn down from crying, I haven’t slept and I just need today to rest and recoup. I will try to be on air again tomorrow night.

I want no more bullshit in my life, no more stalkers, no more false friends. I want love, kindness, understanding and compassion. Period. I want to live out whatever life I have left in peace and happiness. I don’t think that is too much to ask. So–it’s only UP from here. I know I will have depressed days from my illness and treatments, that is to be expected and it’s natural. What is not natural is letting people hurt me over and over again. I am NO LONGER a doormat. I say NO MORE. I only want nice people in my life. So if you are nice, talk to me, if not, please–go away.

4 Responses to “Can only go up from here.”

  1. 1 thespecialk
    November 20, 2008 at 8:41 pm

    I am here and I love you so much. Move on baby, move on.

  2. 2 D
    November 21, 2008 at 7:35 am

    I love you forever. I am so in love with you and NOTHING in this or any world will ever come close to scratching that away. We’ve been going since the beginning of TIME and that’s a LOOOOONG history, boo… solid as a rock, my boo!

    I LOVE YOU. You are the most precious thing I will ever know!


  3. 3 sunshines4me
    November 21, 2008 at 9:41 am

    I just want you to know that I am here for you as a REAL, NICE friend and compassionate human being!!

    Like I knew you would…. you are coming around and things will get better! You will see! I was really worried reading your last few blogs. I was like OMG…..I thought you were throwing in the towel!! This is so much better to hear…positivity in your voice! I’m sorry you’ve shed so many tears the last few days…..I’m so sorry for all the pain you’ve endured, and I’m truly sorry Steve betrayed you!! YOU said it “It can only go up from here”……………

    Hopefully you will feel better in a day or two so that you can get back to what you love doing…..DJing. And we all love hearing you….so please come back soon, I miss you!!

    *Big Squeeze for you* ~ Luv, Sunshine =)

  4. 4 V
    November 21, 2008 at 9:44 am

    Thank you for commenting Sunshine. *squeezes back* Yes, only up from here, that’s the only direction I CAN go in. Things are going to be better, emotionally anyhow. I hope to do my show tonight at 9:00, we will see how I am feeling. I am sitting here right now watching the blood moving in and out of my body, that is quite a sight to see. haha 2 hours and 15 minutes of today’s treatment left. Then I will probably sleep awhile. 😉 I hope you things are going good for you!

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