I woke up this morning, after being up ALL night last night in pain (Didn’t fall asleep until after 6:30 this morning), determined that today WOULD be a better day, but it never is, never can be, and I am sad to say probably never will be. I am tired on so many levels…

I am tired of being sick and tired.

I am tired of being in pain. Horrible pain.

I am tired of sleepless night, crying for many different reasons, whether it be physical or emotional pain, night terrors, flashbacks from childhood, what ever I am TIRED of it.

I am tired of trying my best to make everyone around me happy, when *I* am hurting. I am tired of when *I* express something that bothers me it is wrong, or it “hurts” someone. YES my life has pretty much been nothing but pain, but DAMN, I think for what I have been through in my life, I do a pretty damn good job holding myself together, and trying to laugh through all the pain I feel, inside and out.

I am tired of the government not helping me. I am tired of seeing people who are either NOT sick at all and able to work, or not as sick as I am, getting their disability SO easily, yet they want to keep turning ME down, which means NO monthly income and NO insurance. They are just waiting for ME to die so they don’t have to give me a fucking penny, how sad is that?

I am tired of having to rely on friends and family to take care of me, to help me pay my bills, to get me every day things like freakin’ toilet paper. It’s not like I have a bunch that help me either, I used to have friends want to come to my aid and help me out, but they dwindled away, I become a burden and people leave. I am tired of being a burden to everyone. What a wonderful life. I do want to thank the few that DO help me. I wish more people had the compassion you do.

I am tired of when people DO give to me, they end up either walking away or throwing it up in my face. Can’t you just HELP ME without making me feel bad about it? It hurts enough to know I have to HAVE the help in the first place without rubbing my face in it like I am a puppy that had an accident in your floor.  I am a human being, and I have feelings. If you help me. Can’t you just feel good that you helped another human out? Don’t make me feel like shit ok? I worked my whole life from the age of 15, it’s not like I was a slacker, I supported myself WELL, I was PROUD, now I have to have help and I FUCKING hate it.

I am just tired period. Tired of not having money, tired of being sick, tired of medicines, tired of treatments, tired of not sleeping because of pain, tired of the flashbacks and night terrors thanks to the years of abuse by my father. I am tired of not being able to get out and do the things I once did. I have a six year old that can’t have Daddy go outside and play with her, can’t take her to the zoo because I can’t walk that far, can’t take her shopping for the bare necessities she needs because Daddy doesn’t have the money. I am tired of knowing that once again, christmas is coming and I won’t be able to buy my kids a FUCKING thing, I will look at their faces, knowing that they know Daddy didn’t have the money to get them anything. God bless their hearts, they do UNDERSTAND, but I am TIRED of it.

I am thisclose to going off all treatments. I am so depressed today. Is my life going to get better? I don’t know–I am thinking of going away for a day or two, just in the quiet, away from everyone, just to get my head together. If you don’t see me around, that is why.

1 Response to “Tired”

  1. 1 thespecialk
    November 21, 2008 at 9:10 am

    You aren’t going off any treatments, you are going to keep trudging on like you always do, like you always have. I love you silly boy, I know you get tired and I always try to help you and lift up your spirits. I am sorry for the way everyone has shafted you, just look to those that love you and gain your strength back with our help.

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