I Am Tired…

I feel especially weak and vulnerable today. The dialysis is getting to me much more than I thought it would. I had it yesterday, and then I barely had a voice, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to DJ last night, but I forced my voice to project as much as I could. I had a few listeners IM me and tell me that I sounded “tired”. If they only knew how right they were. I am tired. I really don’t know if I can keep this up. It is so hard on me, on my mind and my body. I WANT to live, I want to keep on going, but it seems harder each day to want to get up out of the bed. It disturbs me that I am feeling this way, I have always been a fighter, not giving up no matter what my “prognosis” was, no matter how bad I felt, through all the radiation and chemotherapy, through all the medications, the side effects, I kept on going. I never thought dialysis would be the thing to get me so down. *sighs* Please someone tell me it will get better, tell me I will get used to it and won’t feel so damned drained. I don’t have any energy, but I have to be “up” for the ones I love. I have to. I hate to worry them, I hate seeing their faces so pained, I hate hearing the worry in their voices. So I try to keep myself upbeat for them, but it’s getting harder. I want to feel better damnit! I want to at least have some strength, this has to get better, it just has to.

I am having problem with the friend who betrayed me so badly recently. He didn’t want to be my friend anymore, yet he won’t leave me alone. It is like he wants to break me, break my spirit. It is really sad, he was my friend for so many, many years and he threw it away like it meant nothing. He was one of the few people I really trusted, he knew so much about me, he knew me in the most intimate ways. We were best friends, we were best friends with benefits (lovers), he threw it all away. I still haven’t gotten an explanation as to WHY. I probably will never have closure on this and I really do need it. I didn’t do anything to deserve what he has done to me. I am shattered and it hurts my heart so much. He just took my heart and stomped it. If he “hates” me so much, then WHY is he still trying to contact me? It makes no sense. He contacts me to say hurtful things to me. MY GOD why? He knows I am sick, he knows better than most anyone how sick I am, he knows about how fragile my mind is, how abused I have been! Why in the hell would he want to make me feel worse by saying awful things to me? Has he lost his freakin’ mind? I don’t know, but I just want him to stop it. I had hoped he would come to his senses and we could mend our friendship, but it’s too far gone now, he’s said and done too many things to ever get it back. It’s over and it hurts.

On the up note, I have D, I have Kev, I have Gail. That makes me happy. They love me unconditionally, they always will. I know with 100% certainty they will NOT betray me. So I can live happily in that knowledge. I have my friends from the radio station, especially Tammy, who care for me. I have a few friends I care a lot about in my league at Pogo. I have a couple of people that I have met at myspace that seem to care a lot about me, so that is all I need. I never wanted tons of friends, the more friends you have, the more chance that they will stab you in the back. I am sick of being stabbed, it hurts, it scars and God knows I have enough scars, physically and emotionally. I only want goodness in my life from now on. I think I deserve it. I am a good person, or I try to be. I am kind and compassionate, loving. I only want to give that to people who care for me. I am not wasting my time on false friends, stalkers and the like anymore.

I am going to lay and rest a lot today. My radio show is not until 9:00pm ET tonight, so I should be able to get some strength up and be able to do a good show tonight. I hope anyhow. haha

4 Responses to “I Am Tired…”

  1. 1 mile191
    November 25, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    thank you so much for your words of kind affirmation on my blog. i needed some sense of being okay today, beyond yesterdays drama. thank you for reading me.

    i am sorry to read you are not feeling well. i love your blog. i check on you, and will continue too. keep writing, and hopefully somehow you will get to feeling better.

    thanks again, mile191

  2. 2 V
    November 25, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    Thanks for reading ME, I appreciate it. I love reading what you write, I will be a daily visitor for sure. Thanks also for checking on me. I appreciate it so much! *hug* Have a great rest of the day!!

  3. 3 mile191
    November 25, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    you too, have a great rest of the day. i hope you feel better. ♥

  4. 4 D
    November 26, 2008 at 9:57 am

    Yes my baby, you do have me, Kev, and Gail. Gail doesn’t do blogs we we have found out so you’ll have her support on the phone.. but nonetheless she is definitely working hard for you in her special way 😉

    I want to be the one to say ‘it will get better’, and what I’m hoping is that somehow, as it goes with so many treatments, dialysis will be one of those things that progressively gets easier. I can’t imagine what you endure, though I see it, hear it and watch you suffer through all of it. If only treatment were you’re only problem. If only mere surviving was what was required of you, yet outside forces (and inside forces as well) seem to nag at you form all sides, all the time. I wish you could just get the peace you need.

    What can I say about the friend who betrayed you, us… I have come to the conclusion that a very real degree of insanity must have come upon him. He went from one of the kindest, gentlest and happiest people to this mind-boggling monster of cruelness and insensitivity. I don’t understand. I tried very hard to find compassion for him, knowing that behind every act of unkindness, there must be a person suffering… I believe it still, that there is something that snapped in him. I held out for him for so long, hoping that he’d snap back and yet the condition just got worse and worse until it became irreparable. He could have had it all. What snapped? Was it the betrayal that happened in his own life that snapped his mind and re-invented him into this betraying threat? How did he go from our sweet natured, loving and devoted friend to raving maniacal beast in what must have been… two weeks time? I don’t know. He not only hurt you, he destroyed his chances of friendship with me, and for chrissakes, he completely annihilated his friendship with Kevin. How could I love someone who is so cruel and heartless to the man I love, my husband? How could I forgive the person who treats YOU this way? Had he been kind to you the way he always was for 30 dang years, he could have had my love and friendship forever… and now what is Kevin to do? He ripped away Kevin’s chance to mourn for you with HIS lifelong best friend as well. Oh sure, Kevin will always have Adam and me… but he will not have the other musketeer, the one who he grew up with, who knew YOU and experienced 30 years of knowing you… all the laughs, the music, the band, the terrible times, the great times, the love, the lust… all of it.. gone.

    This friend needs help. He needs to somehow get some counselling because one day after you are gone he’s going to wake up and realize what he’s done and he is probably going to kill himself over it. And he’s a father! How can he do this to his children?

    He needs help, desperately. I loved this man. You loved him. Kev loved him. The betrayal is beyond belief, and yes, it keeps on coming. His little letters to me are full of hostility and weirdness. He keeps telling me he loves me and misses me… as if I’m supposed to see him without seeing what he’s done to you, and Kevin. How could I do that? I couldn’t. He could have had my friendship forever. How could he throw that away? How could he torment YOU, after all you’ve gone through? How could he torment you knowing that RIGHT NOW your life is so fragile, so compromised?

    Like I said to you yesterday baby… the closure is something you must make for yourself. He will never give it to you and it’s time you walk away. You are innocent. Hey, even if you were guilty of anything you would not deserve this kind of horrible treatment. I mean, friend come to terms with what they do to each other and forgive. These acts… are unforgivable. He has only himself to blame for this mess. It’s all on him. It’s his karma, babe. Not yours. So, like Kevin and myself…walk. Walk away from this ‘series of unfortunate events’. And with me, Kevin and Gail you can know that we will never let you down, ever. Gail is as faithful to you as the day is long. We love you. It’s permanent, it’s loyal and it’s GOOD. Remember, goodness always prevails. Always.

    I know these days are weakening you beyond words. I know you give your listeners strength that they never even think about. Well, that is your job as DJ. You play music. They come to hear music. No, they will never know just how much you push to give them a good time, but honey… we DO know. We know and we appreciate you. We see you day in and day out, we see you fight for us, to live, to love us… we see you and we love you for every single minute that you grace us with.

    Let us be your wings. We will help you fly.

    I love you, my forever boy.

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