When I Learned To Never Tell…

I am warning you all now, this is a horrific account of my abuse, if you are an abuse survivor, take care reading, it made trigger memories. For others, this may sicken you, but I have to put these blogs out, I am tired of holding all of this inside. It’s time to TELL, to heal. *take a deep breath*

I was five, almost six years old. I had a beautiful puppy, I loved him so much, his name was Frisky. Oh he was so frisky, he loved me to chase him around the backyard, he loved tripping me, licking me all over my face. We were best friends. He made me happy! He was very special to me…I told Frisky my “secrets”, I knew he would never betray me, he watched me cry, he felt my pain. He would sit across my thighs and just be there for me. I know he understood.

One day “Dad” called me into the garage. I knew he was going to hurt me again, he loved to take me into the garage, he had a table especially for me, he would string up my legs, put things in me, do horrible things to me. I started to cry as I walked towards the garage (It was a detacted garage, more like a huge building in our backyard), Frisky followed me, even though I tried to shoo him away. We went into the garage where “Dad” was waiting for me. He grabbed me, starting hitting me over and over in the face, the head, the back with his fists.

“Are you thinking of telling someone?”  “No Daddy, no, I won’t tell, you told me never to tell Daddy, please you’re hurting me. Don’t hit me Daddy, please!”  He hit me harder, pounding me, as I curled up into a tight ball, trying to protect my face and head. “I will teach you to keep your mouth shut. You have been a bad boy, and what do bad boys get?”  “Punished…..”  “That’s right, bad boys get punished, you make me do this to you! Why do you have to make me angry?”  “Daddy please, what did I do? Daddy please don’t hurt me.” (There was never a reason truly, he just wanted to hurt me *sighs*). “I am going to show you what happens to bad boys who tell.” 

He grabbed my puppy, my Frisky. I was screaming, pleading with him to put my puppy down. I was sobbing and crawling towards him. “NOOOO” I was begging to him. “Don’t hurt Frisky, I will do anything, just don’t hurt Frisky!!!”. He held my puppy in front of my face, then he cut him, he cut him in the belly, spilling out Frisky’s insides, right in front of my face. I was crying so hard, screaming, I couldn’t believe he had killed my puppy! My best friend! He flung Frisky’s body down and grabbed me, pushing my face into…what had spilled out of my dog. I was vomiting violently as he started to rape me. It hurt so bad, he was especially brutal that day, making me bleed, raping me harder and harder. As he was doing that, he would say, “Are you going to tell anyone?”.  I couldn’t say anything, I was sick, covered in blood and other things, being violated, ripped apart. His voice was growling and low “If you ever tell anyone, I will gut you like that damn dog, you hear me?”. I knew he meant it, if I ever told anyone, he would hurt me, he would cut open MY belly. I was petrified, I was in horrible pain, I was covered in the awful smell of my best friends insides, my own vomit. Yet “Dad” didn’t have a problem “getting off”. When he was done, my body was aching, he shoved me hard and I fell stomach down onto the garage floor and the blood. “Clean it up, or I will beat your ass again.” He walked out of the garage, leaving me there, naked, bleeding, staring at my beloved Frisky, dead beside of me. I reached out, petting his fur, sobbing. I cried so hard I made myself vomit again. I knew I had to clean it up, or I would be in deep trouble and I didn’t want to be hurt again. I got some rags in the garage and wiped myself off, the I went outside with a spade and dug a hole for my puppy, I went back into the garage and picked up his limp little body, I kissed his head and told him how sorry I was, sorry that he was my puppy, sorry that “Daddy” hurt him. I buried him in the hole by the fence in our backyard, then went about cleaning up the mess that was made. Frisky’s blood, my vomit and blood. I scrubbed and cried and scrubbed harder. I was so angry, I was so hurt, I was in shock.

I swore I would never have another animal until I was away from “Daddy”. I would never let another of my friends get hurt by him. I cleaned up everything, then went into the house. He was sitting there, so arrogant, so imposing, eating his lunch. “Go take a fucking bath, you stink! Don’t let me see your face again until you are clean.”  “Yes Daddy….”. As I walked by him to go to the bathroom, he grabbed my arm, “You know it is your fault that your puppy is dead, if you weren’t a bad boy, I wouldn’t have to do those things. You know it’s your fault don’t you?”. “Yes Daddy…” He shoved me and I fell to the floor. “Crawl, crawl like piece of shit you are, crawl to the bathroom you little bastard. Wash that horrible smell off of you, you sicken me.” I crawled to the bathroom, ran my own bath (WHY should I have to run my own bath at five years old?), I sat in the hot, hot water, wanting to scald my skin off, to get him off of me, to get the smell of my poor puppy off of me. I dunked myself under the water and tried to stay there to drown myself, but my body wouldn’t allow that. I washed and washed, I cried and cried. I wanted to die with Frisky. God why didn’t he just kill me too? Oh but he couldn’t! He couldn’t kill his fuck toy, his punching bag. Now he knew, I would never tell and things only got worse.

That is all I can write for now, I can barely see through my tears and it took me a long time to type this, the memories right now are killing me. I kept having to get up and move, shake off the feeling that it was happening all over again. I have to go now…


16 Responses to “When I Learned To Never Tell…”

  1. 1 D
    November 30, 2008 at 5:30 pm

    Being the one who knows nearly all of your real life childhood abuse horror stories I can also recall how you delivered these stories to me: in a traumatic scene of regression, a trance state, under ‘our’ version of hypnosis. So many of these events (and yes, readers…there are many) were either subconsciously repressed or consciously moved out of your life’s immediate range of thought, in order for you to merely survive daily life without losing your mind.

    Seems we never really hear stories this vicious, this brutally horrifying… I suppose now we know why…because the dear ones who carry these very real tales within them all their lives are just… too afraid, or too ashamed to tell them. We always hear the phrases: child rape, child abuse… we read books like: ‘A Child Called It’ and we applaud the authors for being bold enough to expose their life of abuse. And not to belittle the experience of someone who shocked and mortified the world by telling us how his mother made him puke into a bowl and eat it for dinner (Dave Peltzer, author of A Child Called It)… this story seemed to be the end of the line as far as what the world could take on the subject of child abuse. We all shuddered and held his story as the ULTIMATE, the worst… yet, it wasn’t the worst. The worst stories are the ones UNTOLD. The worst are the stories that die with the victims that lived them.

    You are very, very brave to do this. You’ve had a life of horrendous victimization and somehow, now, you are beginning to take these baby steps towards your own emotional freedom. As your ‘cutting’ blog describes, you, the keeper of the secret, had to find a way to release. After all, you kept in so many, many secrets of what happened to you and always, above all you held your tormentor’s mantra: “Don’t scream, don’t tell”. And so you cut. But what of cutting now? Cutting pales in comparison to words. Words, spoken aloud in the form of a written blog.

    So I encourage you to continue on with your purging. Because that is what it is. And though it leaves you raw and incredibly vulnerable afterwards, remember that you are not alone. Words move worlds. There are probably MORE people like you out there waiting for the release, waiting to tell their story, waiting to READ stories like this so that they themselves don’t feel so all alone in the nightmare.

    I told you I needed a few hours before responding to this blog, so that I could assuage the anger in me before I wrote. The psychotic, insane, evil, murderous sexual pervert, child rapist, child torturer that took your poor innocent life and ruined it permanently will never see enough justice. No horrors done to him will ever be enough to balance this scale, I’m sorry to say. There are things I cannot say here, things that make me say: How terribly, terribly unjust.

    I love you brave darling. You are not alone. And as long as I am here, you will always have a listener to talk to. If you chose to blog about your life as a way of emotional blood-letting, then God Bless you for your courage. You are doing the right thing. This will reach someone, somewhere…someday… Maybe not today, but someday, and perhaps, just perhaps the silence will stop and never again will anyone have to keep in the secrets that ruin their lives again.

    With all that has happened to you, your torturer was never able to even come close to touching your love. That remained intact, pure, beautiful and giving. The best part of you remains as innocent and as wondrous as it was when you were just a little boy. The love you had for your little friend Frisky is a love he couldn’t take away, no matter how brutally he tried.

    God Bless You. I love you, always forever and a day.

  2. November 30, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    I read this post & you know, I almost stopped & closed the window. But I carried on in…utter shock? disbelief? horror?

    I was interested to see the comment you received in reply & well, Dori has said everything I could & more. I wholeheartedly agree with her & believe you should continue on your “purge” & your fight as a survivor, hopefully to a place where you can begin to heal…

    I honestly don’t know what else to say, but I had to say something I couldn’t just read the above & carry on with my evening. This shook me up & well, made me think of my own past. I commend you for your bravery in exploring these horrific memories let alone actually writing them down on a public blog.

    I wish you the best.

  3. 3 V
    November 30, 2008 at 7:01 pm

    Thanks for all you wrote honey, I love you. I don’t know what else to say but that.

  4. 4 V
    November 30, 2008 at 7:02 pm

    Thanks so much AudaciousAria for writing. I am sorry if anything I wrote really bothered you. I just have to get all of this out. I read some of your blog, it is really well written and I can’t wait to read more of it! I hope you will stop by again!

  5. 5 amysplash
    November 30, 2008 at 7:14 pm

    how sad i just read this and hade to make a aconnt to say i am so proud of you i really really am i am a servivor as well and i have not come as far as you have yet you did not deserve any of the evil he did to you you are not bad keep up the good work i am here for you if you need i care and understadn

    much love and safe hugs amy

  6. 6 V
    November 30, 2008 at 8:11 pm

    Thank you Amy for your kind comment. It’s nice to be told I am not bad, when you hear it your whole life you tend to revert back and believe you are. I am glad you registered so you could comment and I hope you will visit me again and again! *safe hugs back*

  7. November 30, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    You are certainly not bad, V. I completely understand how you can believe it though.

    There’s no need to be sorry, this is your space & more importantly, your story. I truly feel for you though, & I don’t want that to come across as condescending or like I pity you (When I hear people feeling sorry for me or the likes I can get a little funny you know?).

    This post just shows me as I’m sure it has others, that there is some real evil in this world. You didn’t deserve any of it, no-one does. You never get over these things, but you do learn to live with them. Looks like you have an angel in D by your side to help you along.

    Anyway, I’m looking forward to keeping up to date with you 🙂

  8. 8 thespecialk
    November 30, 2008 at 9:58 pm

    Oh honey, my God. Why did you never tell me this stuff? I would have been there for you. I would have held you and loved you. I know we were both little when this shit happened to us, but I would have at least listened to you. I remember you sneaking out of your house at night, worried about me, risking a beating for coming to check on me. Little did I know just how bad it was *Sigh*. John/Dad hurt me in so many ways, raped me, beat me, but he did nothing like this to me. I am horrified. I knew he was hurting you, but I didn’t know it was this horrific. I am sitting here trying not to cry my eyes out. Baby, I am so sorry you had to go through this, any of it. You are good! You don’t have a bad bone in your body, please know this, you are not bad. You have a heart full of love, you have compassion, you have an innocent mind, you are so child like at times, it makes me want to hold you so close. It makes me smile. Now I see why you want to be little sometimes. To be held, you need it. God I don’t know what to say to you right now. I am stunned. I am stunned that as close as we always have been, I am seeing that I was clueless to what you were really going through. Know I am so very proud of you, purge baby, purge! Get it out. Tell him you will finally tell, you won’t hold it any longer, you won’t let him win! I love you so much!

  9. 9 V
    November 30, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    Kev I couldn’t tell you….”Dad” killed my best friend in Frisky, do you REALLY think I could risk telling YOU? Have him hurt you? That would have destroyed me, really destroyed me. I needed you, but I needed you in one piece, to be there, to make me smile and laugh. To give me some good times in all the mess he put me through. I love you too, more than you know. We have both been through so much, but no more…..no more.

  10. 10 V
    November 30, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    Aria, thank you for writing again. I know deep down I am not bad, but it is hard to get it out of my head. I hear his words over and over again. He stalks my dreams, my waking moments. I have horrible flashbacks and night terrors. Certain smells can trigger me in a nano-second. I am not going to go on and on, I am just going to say again, thank you so much. I will keep up with you too!

  11. 11 mile191
    December 1, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    thank you for having the courage to share your story, and for the courage it takes to read others stories. i don’t think i can write much now, i have so much pain for you and tears. i think it will take me some time, but i will be back. you didn’t deserve to have anyone do that to you. and to be only 5 years old. i am so sorry. i am sorry for your puppy too. please know that we love you, we hurt with you now, you are not alone. thank you for having the courage to tell, so that others know, and know that we are not alone. that was awful for you to go through once, but to have the relive the memories, the pain. thanks for allowing us to be a part of your healing. I hope you are doing a little better these days, as you find things that you can do to help others, and causes that matter so much the pain is the drive behind all the good you do now.

    He is a sick fuck. and you should not have had to suffer that. I know that even as alone as you felt, you were not alone. some force was there and is there now to sustain you in healing. we are part of that. we love you, care for what you went through. we can know the worst things and I promise you, for me, I will not go away. I am here for you. take care. take some time, and then come back to it. let go of these things. leave them here, in the safety of your space and move forward. love and hope to you. mile

  12. 12 sunshines4me
    December 1, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    *SIGHS* Gosh sweet V….where do I begin? Except to say…..I’m infinately sorry, and I can only reiterate the words of your beautiful wife and dear friend! Please keep purging this terror out of you and hopefully the pain will be gone with it!

    I WILL read it all, as hard as it might be to think of you going through any of this!
    I did almost stop reading, and it makes me ball up with tears just writing this to you, because I feel like I know the real you! The real you is GOOD, very GOOD! Tender, honest, caring, loving and someone I would definately want in my life as a friend….Remember, this man CAN NOT destroy you, the you inside is far more beautiful and strong er than the evilness he has inflicted upon you and your precious mind and body!!

    And coming from the mean and upset side of me…..I sure hope that man is not still alive, if he is…. I wish him a death more painful and violent than anything you have ever endured! I’m sorry, but it is unacceptable to me that he was able to get away with that!!

    Wishing you love and light~ *BIG HUG* Jenn =)

  13. 13 sunshines4me
    December 1, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    OOPS…. I didn’t know how to do the bold font, sorry V!

  14. 14 V
    December 1, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    mile, thank you for you caring, your tenderness, love and understanding. It means a lot to me to know there are people out there that know what I have been through, that understand it. I am glad people aren’t trying to condemn me or say “FUCK why didn’t you tell?” They will never understand, the ones who had a great childhood, who were never threatened, beaten and raped, tortured beyond what most people can comprehend. I am hoping to heal by writing these blogs, and yes it was the hardest thing I have ever done, putting myself out here. I feel raw, naked and so exposed. I had a really bad day yesterday after reliving all of this. Today I hope is going to be a better day. I am going to try to keep it light and then come back to more serious stuff later. *safe and loving hugs*

  15. 15 V
    December 1, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    Jenn, thank you for coming here, for reading my blogs and commenting. I was wondering where you have been lately. 🙂 I thank you for your loving words, they mean the world to me. Don’t cry for me…just be my friend and support me on my journey of purging/releasing this in my blogs. I will most definitely need it. The love and support of my friends and of other abuse victims who understand will get me through this. I have faith in that. *hugs back to you*

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