Archive for December, 2008


My First Award! WOW!

I got my first award today, I feel so happy and honored that she would bestow it upon me! Thank you to Rights For a very awesome blog that you DEFINITELY need to read and blogroll!!!


So as I see I have to also award it to 5 bloggers I love to read. I can do that. 😉 Also if you are chosen you have to follow along and do the things below. It is actually a really good way to get traffic to other blogs and to our own.

Ok da rules first:

1.  Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
2.  Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author and the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
3.  Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to
this Post, which explains The Award.
4.  Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit
this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
5.  Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

Now on to the people *I* am giving awards to! Add all 5 of my choices to your blogrolls, they ARE worth reading:

  1. Butterfly’s blog-  Her blog “Reasons You Shouldn’t Fuck Kids” hit me right in the heart when I first found it. She and I have SO very much in common!! Her honesty and straightforwardness in the way she blogs is amazing.
  2. Aria- I love her blog Audacious Aria. It is so honestly written, with snark and humor. She is also a survivor and a very sweet person.
  3. Donnie D- His Blog Perfectly Me is another survivor’s blog. He writes from the heart and always has very interesting things to say. Definitely worth a read or three.
  4. Mile191- Her blog Come Into My Closet is about her journey of coming to terms with her abuse and abandoment. She writes honestly and with a passion.
  5. Rusty’s Blog- The Rusty Nail I found quite some time ago when we were (and are still at times) being stalked, harrassed and generally aggravated by an internet troll, wanna be horror writer. Her blogs never fail to make me smile and laugh, she writes beautifully, with a nice side of snark that makes me happy! It is a funny thing how one idiot can bring a mass of people together and we can find friendship in the mess of it all. So here’s to you Rusty!

So there you have it my friends. Thank you AGAIN to for giving me my first award! Woohoo! haha 😉


MRI’s, CT Scans and Barium….oh my!

It never ends, does it? I went this morning for my MRI of my cervical spine (neck), the lady had to put some metal bars over my face (can you say FREAK OUT). It was so hard to take, I was shaking all over and she had to get me out of the MRI tube/scanner once. We finally got through it and had some time to kill so my Mama (who drove me today) and I came back here to my apartment, had coffee and gossiped, that was nice, I love spending quality time with her. We stayed here about an hour, then went back to the hospital for my appointment with the surgeon. He checked my belly button area and said the hernia repair was fine, but he thinks I have adhesions (scar tissue) from the numerous abdominal surgeries I have had over the years. He thinks it has adhered to my small intestine and is causing a partial blockage *SIGHS*. So today I had to have my finger poked (I HATE that) for a CBC, then was sent to the lab for more blood work, then to the x-ray department to schedule a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis for Friday at 3:00 pm. I have to have an IV and have that stupid contrast dye injected into my body again, I am allergic to it, so I have to take a load of benadryl to keep me from going into shock, PLUS I have to drink two HUGE ass bottles of that white barium shit. YUCK. That stuff is SO hard to get down without vomiting. I have to have one large bottle for breakfast at 9:00 am Friday morning, then have the other bottle for lunch at 1:30, benadryl at 2:30 then the scan at 3:00. If it is an adhesion and it is blocking my small intestine then I will have to have surgery to fix that, PLUS have to have the spine surgery God knows when.

Fuck, can’t a guy get a break? If it’s not one thing, it’s two or three more happening to me. Do I NOT have enough wrong already? Christ. Someone today was telling me that the type of spine surgery I will most likely have will take 8 months or more to fully heal. FUCK, Fuckity fuck. That is NOT what I need. *SIGH*

On the UP side of things, I saw my landlady today, she is a doll and is so good to me. She told me that she WOULD have me moved into the new apartment before my surgery, thank God.  She told me she would be back to work on Monday the 5th and we would get to work on getting me moved. The apartment I am in now has an upstairs and it is just too hard for me to climb them up and down, up and down all day long. The new apartment is on the second floor yes, but it’s a ONE floor apartment, thank goodness, and it’s not like I go outside a lot. I go to my doctors appointments and to the supermarket once a month, woo hoo /end sarcasm. It will be less to clean, no stairs to climb up and down, I will be much happier and I will feel much safer. Here I don’t feel safe, I can’t sit outside on my patio, for fear of my stalker “Dad” coming up on me. I won’t have to wonder if he is stalking around outside and peeking in *shudder*, he can’t do that shit if I am on the second floor and I can FINALLY sit on my balcony at night or in the mornings with my coffee and feel safe. I won’t be a prisoner in my own home anymore. I look forward to that so much.

Ok my left arm and hand are killing me. I have to stop typing. Write more later.


Oh My God I am FURIOUS!!

Rant/foul language warning….

I am SO fucking pissed. As most of you know, my oldest daughter got involved with a stupid boy in August, drove him while he went on a robbery spree and got put in jail. Well–the judge dropped the charges on Mel after she spent 60 days in jail on the condition that she pay restitution (which we did), and that she move to Georgia with her mother and step-father (which THEY suggested to the court). So today I call them to make arrangements to come get Mel and get her settled down here (she has been here the last week for the holidays with me), and they suddenly inform me that they aren’t going to let her come down because they “don’t have the resources” to have her and “can’t afford another mouth to feed”. WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL and I DO?? I have NO income, NO money, NO food. NOTHING. I am SICK, I am DYING and on top of it all I am facing a major surgery on my SPINE. THEY on the other hand are HEALTHY, they both WORK, they just bought a brand new SUV and a fucking motorcycle, they buy the biggest and best electronics, all that bullshit, yet they can’t afford to take Mel down there and help her get a job, get into school and get a place to live after THEY told the court they would? They also took her car down to their place so she has NO car here, no WAY to get to a damn job or to school. I am legally blind and they took my license away, I can’t drive her! They have MONEY, they have the “resources” to help her. I told them today “What are you doing to me? To Mel? I don’t even have any food in this house NOW to feed myself and her.” They said “Well, we can’t help you or her, we can’t give you money to feed her.” OH MY GOD the fucking assholes. They are SO pathetic. Then for the cherry on top, they told me it was MY fault that Mel got put into jail. *SIGH* Yeah you fuckers, just kick me when I am down and try to make me feel like shit why don’t you?

*I* am the one who raised her ALONE from birth, I am the one that has been there for her through thick and thin. I nursed her, I bought her what she needed, I taught her, I did everything for her, made her my world. Yeah she screwed up and got in trouble, she is remorseful, how the FUCK does that make it MY fault? How does it make me a bad father? Hell I have been both mother AND father to her. When she was born her mother said “I don’t want it, give it to him”. IT? WHAT THE FUCK YOU BITCH, you called our daughter an IT and you want to label ME a bad parent. FUCK YOU, you fucking BITCH!! I am so mad, so hurt, I am beyond mad actually. I don’t know what to do, I am emotionally drained now from being so upset, from crying, from arguing with them. I can’t take it anymore. The fucking motherfuckers. How could they do this? OMG I hope karma bites them HARD right in the fucking ass.

I am shutting up for now. I am far to angry and only making myself shake here. I love my kid, we will get through this. FUCK YOU J & M….YOU both can suck my dick!!!


I don’t know why I do it…

Fuck it….


Merry Christmas Everyone…

Merry Christmas To My Readers!!!

Merry Christmas To My Readers!!!

I find this song by Perry Como really conveys how *I* feel about Christmas:

When I was but a youngster Christmas meant one thing
That I’d be getting lots of toys that day,
I learned a whole lot different when mother sat me down
And taught me to spell Christmas this way…..

C – Is for the Christ Child born upon this day
H – For Herald Angels in the night
R – Means our Redeemer
I – Means Israel
S – Is for the Star that shown so bright
T – Is for Three Wise Men they who traveled far
M – Is for the Manger where He lays
A – For All He stands for
S – Means Shepard’s came

 And that’s why there’s a Christmas Day…
 Now if you aren’t religious that is fine (I NEVER knock anyone for their beliefs) , this is just what Christmas means to ME, so please don’t gripe on my blog about it, I will delete the comment OR not approve it, whichever. The other things that Christmas means to me is L-O-V-E. Plain old love. Being with the ones you love, watching my kids faces light up when they open their presents, my family enjoying the cooking I have done, knowing how much it took for me TO do it. It means laughing and cutting up with my sisters, my kids, my brother-in-laws. It means having fun and dancing with my sisters! Enjoying the one time a year that I have all my family in one room at the same time. It means spending some time alone in my kitchen with my Mama as she does the dishes for me. Getting tummy hugs (I am 6′ 8, my mother is 4′ 10 haha so it is literally tummy to face hugs) from my Mama, hearing the words “I love you baby” as she squeezes me. Hearing my wife D say “Merry Christmas baby, here we are, another year, another holiday together.” Having 2 year old Hunter climb into my lap and eat out of my plate with me, giving me smooshy food covered kisses on my cheeks. Having my oldest daughter with me, having her clean and sober and back to her old self again. *SIGH* I had all that this year and it was wonderful, it is actually the first time in a few years my WHOLE family was together in one room, in my house. We laughed, danced, ate, laughed some more. We talked about serious and not so serious stuff. It was a beautiful thing. There was no dysfunction, no drama, just LOVE. That is what I need, that is ALL I need–love.  I will post a few pictures later of the girls (my kids), my sisters, Hunter…If I made no sense in this blog, forgive me. I am in pain and just wanted to write down my feelings, as convoluted as they may be HAHA.

I want to thank someone here on my blog, she just gave me one of the BEST presents ever, the most selfless present. This woman knows my wife and has known her for years and years, however, she’s NEVER laid eyes on me. Yet she sent a message today asking how to send me money to help me get into pain management. THAT folks is the meaning of Christmas, the true meaning of love and selflessness. I am sitting here in tears just thinking about it. Now that lady has the RIGHT idea to what Christmas is all about. It’s about giving, giving to those who need it. It’s not about the commercial bullshit, it’s not about seeing who gets the most presents under the tree, the latest gadget or electronic, the selfishness of expecting a gift from someone, it’s about the love, the compassion. Caring about your fellow man. Thank you dear lady for doing this for me and making me smile on this Christmas day, I will never forget it and I appreciate it more than you can imagine. Yes I rambled, deal with it. hahaha

So tell me, my dear readers, what does Christmas mean to YOU. What are you doing to celebrate today? Please remember during all the festivities to tell the ones you love, that you love them. You may not have the chance again. Live every day like it’s your last…Trust me, it might be. I love you all, and I wish nothing but the best for you ALL today. God bless.



Doctor’s appointment and general bitching…

So I had my doctor appointment yesterday. First off he checked my belly button area and said he didn’t feel a hernia, so the hernia repair is still ok, BUT, he thinks I may have adhesion’s (scar tissue) in that area and it might have some of my intestine blocked *SIGH*. I have to see the surgeon on Tuesday the 30th and I will know more about that. Now on to my back pain. This pain in my upper back/neck area is some of THE worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I am losing control of my left arm, both arms are weak, it’s hard to type, I have to rest a lot when I type blogs, etc., I can’t really write at all, it is affecting my memory, the way I walk, my speech *SIGH*. The pain is a constant deep, burning ache that never goes away. It runs down my left arm to my fingers (I am a lefty so this is NOT good). It is now hurting a bit on the right side as well. Every now and again it feels like bee stings or electric shocks are running through the area and it makes my whole body jerk with the pain. My doctor said that it is definitely spinal compression, we just have to find out what is causing the compression. Since I was diagnosed with DDD (Degenerative Disc Disease)/Arthritis of my spine when I was 8 years old, is it THAT? You know, herniated discs, it is bone spurs or GOD forbid is it cancer that has spread to my spine and a tumor is pushing on my spinal column? I will know more after my MRI which is also Tuesday the 30th. My doctor said regardless of WHAT it is I still have to have surgery. So it’s not a matter of IF, it’s a matter of WHEN it will happen. We have to figure out first what is causing the compression, then we have to find a neurologist who will see me and do the surgery for me, because I still have NO fucking insurance (thanks to the government still fighting my disability, the assholes).

He put me on Neurontin…has anyone who reads me ever taken it? I don’t know what to expect from it. It’s SUPPOSE to help with nerve pain. I won’t get it for at least 3 weeks though, because it is expensive and I have to wait for the drug company who makes it to approve me and give me my 3 months free supply *SIGH*.  My doctor IS so good though, he knows I am in real pain, and he is the one who said he and other primary care physicians can’t write narcotics on a regular basis. Well, he gave me my tramadol with NO questions asked (THANK GOD), and he wrote me Vicodin (not the BEST narcotic for pain, but better than nothing) to do me until I get the Neurontin. He really does do everything he can to help me. He actually calls me at home to ask me how I am and things like that. I have NEVER had a doctor do those things for me. He’s wonderful, just wonderful. I am blessed to have found him.

Now for the bitching. My ex doctor should have LISTENED to me on so many levels, but he didn’t. I TOLD him about the pain in my upper back/neck area about 8 months ago, he just put me on more pain meds, didn’t x-ray it, didn’t touch me to check the area, NOTHING. I told him a year or more ago about my heart beating weirdly, he dismissed that and didn’t do any testing. Now I find out that my heart IS damaged, it is not properly pumping blood to my body. My neck/upper back area IS fucked up. He DID NOT listen to me, he dismissed everything I said, just giving me more and more narcotics and stupid me thought–“Well, he IS a doctor, I guess he knows best.”–how stupid I was *SIGH*. I have spoken to other patients of his, he NEVER diagnoses ANYTHING, he simply gives out more and more pain pills. He is a pill mill, a fucking pill mill. I told D last night that I AM suing him. I am going to start looking for lawyers after Christmas. He is NOT going to get away with what he’s done to me. If he had listened to me, to my complaints of pain, would my heart have not been so damaged? Would my spine problems have been lessened? Because of him, I now have irreversible heart damage, I am facing paralysis because of the compression of my spine, and I have to wonder if he is not partially at fault for my kidney failure. Did all the damn medications he had me on hurt my only kidney and cause it to slowly fail? *SIGH* I am SO very pissed off right now. I want to sue his ass– I am also going to report him to the AMA and the KY board of physicians. I wouldn’t be surprised if they found out he was defrauding Medicaid and such.

So anyhow, I do have SOME pain relief thanks to my new wonderful doctor. Thanks to the ex doctor I have to have spine surgery or be paralyzed, what a choice to make huh? Hmm, do I want them to cut my throat and go in to work on my spine or do I want to just wait until it compresses so bad I am paralyzed–*shakes my head*–I am on dialysis and will be the rest of my life and my heart is damaged.


FUCK YOU Dr. Butthead! GAH! I am so upset, so very upset. All evening yesterday and since I have been up this morning, I have went between crying my eyes out to raging like a bull. I am PISSED. I am scared and I am in FUCKING pain–thanks Dr. Asshole, thanks a lot.


Sick and tired of being sick and tired…

sickandtiredAs you know if you have read my blog, I am sick with leukemia, ESRD and spinal degeneration. My pain these days is so bad I can barely stand it. I am fighting to get into pain management so I can have at least SOME quality of life.

Well, last night I got sick, very sick, puking my brains out all night. Shaking, burning up but chilling with goosebumps all over. Hurting horribly bad around my belly button. I had surgery November 27, 2007 to repair an umbilical hernia, and sadly I think it has returned. The scariest thing about last night was the AMOUNT I puked up. I swear the first time I threw up I bet I puked at least a gallon of stuff. WHERE did it come from? I was throwing up stuff I had eaten 12-14 hours earlier. A few years ago they told me I had mild gastroparesis, that is where your stomach is partially or totally paralyzed and you can’t move the food.  They put me on Reglan, which was one of THE most horrible meds ever. It made me have facial tics, tremors, etc., and it permanently damaged me, so they had to take me off of it *SIGHS AGAIN*.  So now is the gastroparesis getting worse on top of everything else? Is my hernia back? They had to do the surgery last time because I was in the same pain as I am now, and the hernia was strangulated *SIGH*. I can’t keep doing this, I just can’t. Now I have no insurance to pay for another surgery if they have to do it. I am so sick of this shit. Isn’t the pain and illnesses I have now ENOUGH?  I can’t take having to go through this belly button pain over and over again. To be honest, I have never been the same since that dr. repaired the hernia. I have still had pain there, but nothing like what I experienced last night. I am still feeling weak, I am still nauseous and I have a show to do tonight at 8:00pm ET. Let’s just hope I don’t get sick again *SIGHS*. I am scared to eat, I don’t want to set off the pain and puking again, I might try some ice cream. I tell you, when you puke a lot like I do, you learn what foods come up easily and what to eat. I tend to stick with ice cream and j-ello. I have both in there, I think I will make some j-ello and try eating that too.

I am done typing I am weak and don’t feel good. I’ll write more later I guess. - The internets fastest growing blog directory

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