I get up this morning and call in a refill on my tramadol (Ultram). Well before I get started on this rant, let me go back just a bit…..

I was seeing another doctor who had me on a morphine drip, percocet 10, the duragesic patch (fentanyl) and ultram. For some reason he turned out to be a big asshole and sent me a letter saying he couldn’t be my doctor anymore (huh??). He also said he would not write me anymore of my medications (including the narcotics). Now first off, by law he is suppose to write my meds for 30 days to allow me to find another doctor. Secondly, he REFUSED to write any, even after I “reminded” him of the 30 day thing. I had been on the medications for over 6 years…needless to say I went into massive withdrawals from the duragesic, percocet and morphine. D can tell you how bad it was. I DID have ultram, to help somewhat with my pain. I ran out of ultram mid withdrawal and let me tell you, the withdrawal from that (which was suppose to be non-addictive) was the worst of all of them. I got my ultram filled again and that helped…a little. I found a WONDERFUL new doctor. He is great, he has helped me so much, BUT…he cannot write controlled substance prescriptions. He told me that the DEA is cracking down on primary care physicians writing anything narcotic and that my OLD doctor should have NEVER been writing them and should have NEVER had me on all those meds to begin with. Only pain management doctors and surgeons should be writing for narcotics. He told me he would refer me to a pain management doctor and I could get help there. So he wrote my ultram and my other medications. Now back to my story.

So I call my pharmacy for my refill. The pharmacist is VERY nice, but tells me that as of last Friday they are NOW a controlled substance and that since I had one refill left he would go ahead and fill it for me (Thank God), and he said he would only charge me like they had before on the 4.00 drug program. He also said that after this, they would NOT have tramadol on the 4.00 list *SIGHS again*.  Now, does this mean my doctor won’t write Ultram (tramadol) for me anymore? I got the referral for the pain management doctor, HAH, 225.00 for the first visit and 120.00 for every other monthly visit. I cannot afford that. I can barely afford to pay my electric bill and phone/internet. I have no TV/Cable, I can barely eat. *SIGH* HOW am I suppose to live with NO pain meds at all if my doctor can’t write them?

I know I will not be able to stand the withdrawals from Ultram, the ONE day without them nearly killed me (literally). What am I going to do? The government is still fighting me for my disability, I have NO fucking insurance..WHAT am I going to do? I have NO ONE to help me pay the monthly fees to see the pain management doctor much less the meds he/she gives me. What do I do? I don’t have a fairy godmother to come help me…I have ONE friend who helps me keep my head above water by helping me with my bills, but she can’t afford to help with my bills AND send me to pain management. I thought this morning about getting my 180 tramadol filled and just taking the whole damn bottle with this bottle of wine and saying “FUCK IT.” I can’t be this sick, going through cancer, dialysis and then have to deal with horrible pain on top of it…withdrawals..I can’t do this again. The tramadol didn’t even take my pain away, just made life somewhat bearable. I still can’t hardly move, it hurts no matter what I do, but what will I do without even THAT now? Should I just give up? It would be very easy.

Fuck it…

12 Responses to “*sigh*”

  1. 1 sunshines4me
    December 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm

    V hang on there sweetie, don’t talk about things like taking pills and wine and calling it quits…that sounds too much like me….I’m the pill-popping wino here! And besides you’ll just end up sicker and getting your stomach pumped! YUCKY…

    I was just ranting over on my blog about that sort of shit too, it must be the Holidays. It seems like we’re all going downhill in our daily battles…time to put on the breaks, time to slow down and really process this…there is a way to get through…there’s just got to be, right?!

    I am about to leave work and see my Doc for some pain meds, but will check in with you when I get home…stay strong my friend and if Kevin is there just keep the lines of communication open with him, it will workout…DO NOT GIVE UP!

    Hugs~ Jenn

    • 2 V
      December 8, 2008 at 8:15 pm

      Yes honey, it’s not a good day for me. I feel like death warmed over, now I have to worry about having NO pain medication. I don’t know what to do, I am scared and I am PISSED that I can’t afford pain management. *shrug*. I love you…

  2. December 8, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    I meant to post that last comment to this entry, haha, i kinda get lost on how the comment links are set up on wordpress every now and then.

  3. 4 Mr. Fabulous
    December 8, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    I love you my heart. I wish I could do more for you. It hurts me so much to see you in this kind of pain and I am *not* ready for you to leave this world yet. I don’t know what I would do without you. Please keep fighting. Don’t give up, maybe something or someone will come through. We just have to pray baby, just pray.

  4. 5 D
    December 8, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    Hey darlin.. yes I know today has been a terrible one for you. Such a shame that the junkies are able to do nothing with their lives while acquiring all the meds you need. What a twisted world this is. Yet you worked your whole life and now it’s YOU who cannot receive a single damn benefit. Why does someone like you have to jump through hoops to get pain meds? Not only that, but even when you DO jump, you don’t get what you need. Why does life have to cost so much?


    I love you. I wish I could do more.

  5. 6 sunshines4me
    December 9, 2008 at 9:59 am

    V~ I hope today finds you in a better place, mentally and physically. I am so worried about you!! Please…you need to stick around and I will pray for you that something good will happen, something positive to help you out with this dilemma.

    How long will your last Ultram refill last? Atleast a month I hope? I used to take Ultram and also experienced the nasty withdrawl when I stopped all meds on my own, cold-turkey. I know it is difficult, but you are strong and your heart is stronger!

    Strength and loving hugs! ~ Jenn =]

  6. 7 sunshines4me
    December 9, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    V ~ I want to share my favorite, inspirational song with you…..

    Not sure if it will come out on the comment post, but I’ll try! Hugs~ Jenn

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