11
Dec
08

The Holidays…The Pain…

The holidays are always a rough time for me…Even when I had the money to enjoy them, I always wondered when “Dad” was going to come along and do something to ruin them.

He ruined Christmas for me a couple of years ago, by leaving me a “present”, convincing me it was something nice. You see, I always wanted his love…I always waited for the day when he would tell me he was sorry for everything he’s done to me, but that is another story. I stupidly hoped when he gave me the “present” that maybe, just maybe he had decided to be NICE to me for once. I opened the box…and inside was a bloodied t-shirt from when I was around 5 or 6 years old, a piece of chain he used to beat me with, it had my hair and what looked like dried up blood on it and a few other things to trigger the pain and anger in me. He had a note in there “For the memories, Merry Christmas”.  *SIGH*

He ruined Easter for me in 2007. He decided he wanted me again. I was living up at my Mother’s at the time, in the mountains, no houses, no nothing around for miles. He called me out  late night, in the rain, I was pissed and I swore I was going to fight back, to hurt him like he had hurt me. So as everyone slept, I went outside to him and we did fight, but he got the best of me, (must be nice to abuse a sick person huh “Dad?”) he raped me, he put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me, he put the gun…other places and threatened to pull the trigger, he drug me through gravel and concrete, bruising me and tearing up my skin. He hurt me in so many ways that night. I ended up back in the house at sunrise, soaking wet, freezing, beaten and raped. So there went Easter for me. He has ruined my birthday January 24th more times than I can count. Abusing me, raping me as gifts I suppose.

He is such a sick man, restraining orders, threats, etc., have never kept him away from me. He is obsessed. When I was young it was all about the abuse and how he hated me. Then when I hit puberty “filled out”, around the age of 14, things changed in him. He went into what I call “boyfriend mode” *shudders*.  Yes he wanted me to be his lover…to enjoy the things he did to me. That didn’t keep him from beating me though, if I did something to piss him off, he would beat me until I would pass out, only to try to “have make up sex” with me later, GOD. I was expected to SHOW him I was enjoying it, I was expected to *cringe* moan for him, to have an orgasm. If I didn’t, I would get beaten, violated in ways you can’t imagine. So, I would go inside myself and try to do what he wanted to keep from getting hurt. *SIGH*

I know folks who have never been through horrific abuse like me won’t understand. They say “why did you let that happen? Why didn’t you tell?”. Well you can say that all you want, but until you are in MY situation, terrified for your life, threatened, beaten and raped, don’t pass judgement on me. I was brainwashed at a VERY young age and I still live with that fear. I am just now starting to TELL, to open up about everything and I am in my 30’s!!

Yes “Dad” is still obsessed with me, yes he still hurts me when he can get his hands on me, yes I do try to fight back more than I used to, but I am sick now and weak and can’t fight back like I would want to. Do I usually submit to him? Yes, unfortunately I will do almost anything to keep from being beaten to a pulp. 😦 Do I “WANT” this? FUCK NO, I don’t want it. I get physically sick every time he comes around, I vomit when I hear his voice. NO ONE wants to be raped by their “Father”. I suppose I am like Pavlov’s dog, *sigh* ring that bell and I do what he wants, like I have been trained all these years.

One day, this will be over, I will be at peace, until then I just pray every day that he doesn’t come to me, that he doesn’t call me, every time my phone rings I wince and cringe. If my caller ID messes up with “No Data”, I freak and debate even answering. When someone knocks on my door, I freak, praying it isn’t him. Sometimes I wonder what the FUCK kind of life I have lived, in fear all the time, but it’s the ONLY life I’ve known. I live it. At least now I DO have people in my life who care, who try to protect me, who love me, and I am meeting awesome people like me and I don’t feel so alone.

Here is my present to “Dad”, this little song that I love so much! Merry Christmas fucker.

Mercy Fall–I Got Life:

Happy Holidays…heh.

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10 Responses to “The Holidays…The Pain…”


  1. 1 D
    December 11, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    Hmmmm. Yes. I remember the present, that day.. what it did to you. I remember that night, oh how could I forget that night. You fought hard. You fought so, so very hard. Only I knew how hard you fought. He may have gotten the best of you but that wasn’t for your lack of trying. Kicking a man who has brain tumors in the head is the sort of thing this prick was into. Getting the best of a person who is hooked up with tubes for pain meds and dying from the effects of both the pharmaceuticals and the advanced leukemia is an easy task.
    It was 6:14 when you returned. I never thought we’d be talking about this in ‘public’, yet you’ve come out with more to reveal. Good. There’s more than just revelation in your words. There’s more… there’s legacy. Legacy of vengeance? Legacy of silence? Legacy of knowledge? I’d like to think this is your way of shouting it out to those who really understand: yes, he’s still alive. Yes, he’s out there… yes… he… is… still… getting away with it all….
    He won’t get away with it all. Not on my watch.

    I love you.

    • 2 V
      December 12, 2008 at 11:43 am

      I know you remember honey, it was awful. *SIGH* All I can do is thank you for being my support system, for listening to me. You are the only person who knows most everything he has done to me. You listen without judging, you love me unconditionally. You loved me when I thought I was too scarred and too dirty to ever be touched, much less loved. You are my strength….I love you so much. Thank you.

  2. December 11, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    IAM SORRY V BUT WHAT A SICKKKKKKKK FUCKING ASSHOLE IT MAKES ME SO FREAKING MAD I WANT TO SCREAM WHAT THE BASTERD DID TO YOU WHAT A SICK FUCK TO GIVE YOU SUCH A HORIBLE PRESENT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM I AM SO SORRY THIS IS GOING ON THAT HE IS SO SICK HE NEEDS HELP I AM SORRY HE HURTS YOU PLZZZ V PLZZ KNOW I CARE SO MUCHHHH AND I UNDERSTAND I HAVE BEEN HURT BAD TO NOT THE SAME AS YOU BUT BAD ENOUGH WWE ALL HAVE ARE STORIES AND IT EFFECTS US ALL DIFFERENTLY I TELL YA PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ARE LUCKY I AM NOT VIOLENT I COULD BE A PYCOPATH BUT IAM NOT ANYWAY I AM SORRY FOR THE LANGUAGE LOL I SWEAR ALOT WHEN I AM MAD AND WHAT THIS FUCKER DID TO YOU IS EVIL PUR EVIL IAM IN TEARS WHY DOSE THIS WORLD HAVE TO BE SO FREAKING SICK WHY DO PEOPLE HURT WHY IS THERE NO LOVE WELL I DO CARE AND I LOVE AND I AM HERE FOR YOU ANYTIME

    temptress.39@hotmail.com

    LOVE AND MANY SAFE HUGGLES AMY

  3. 4 mile191
    December 12, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    its been a while. i haven’t had much emotional strength to read anything. and my writing…well, comes and goes. i haven’t stopped think of you, praying for you. i wish i had more time. but then i sleep a lot lately. my kids need christmas. or at least for me to care that it is coming.

    i am sorry for the pain you have endured, and suffered so much. i am glad that you are writing. and i will not forget to check on you. i hope you understand my break. i had to be someone not so sad for a few days, or at least give it a shot. i go to the doctor on tuesday, but alas, so expensive, i always think of canceling. anyhow. i pray for you. what a messed up father you had. i pray that you will find some peace, and something in life that is for you, and that makes you feel happy. ♥ you are my friend in healing. thanks for being there.

  4. 5 mile191
    December 12, 2008 at 2:26 pm

    PS. HOW DO YOU MAKE THIS BOLD FOR YOU TO READ. I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT. SORRY. SAFE HUGS ♥

  5. 6 lifesspacings
    December 12, 2008 at 2:45 pm

    we are so sorry for your pain for what he did we also have faced horrific abuse an kno how hard it is to share but thanks for being willing to share it helps survivors like us to know we arent alone


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