Just some random blabbing…

cancerYes cancer SUCKS. I am in some of the worst pain I have ever been in, thanks to having no good pain meds to help me *sigh*. I will survive I guess, but days like this make me want to just be put down. I need to clean my apartment, I need to finish baking and making my candies for Christmas, but I can’t seem to muster the energy to do a fucking thing. I am sitting here on dialysis right now, feeling drained (no pun intended). I am getting dishearted, knowing there is no way I can afford my pain management doctor, knowing that the government is really never going to give me my disability and medicaid. It is all so frustrating. I try to keep my chin up and keep going, but it’s getting harder and harder. My family and friends call me the “Energizer Bunny”, because of my ability to keep going  (for some strange reason), but this engergizer bunny is running out of oomph.  All I want to do these days is sleep, but then I get into so much pain that no matter how exhausted I am, I can’t sleep because the aches and the constant throbs of burning pain keep me awake. It’s such a cycle of bullshit.

I have discovered since I started this blog that I am not so alone, there are so many out there like me, it makes me feel a little bit braver about opening up about my abuse. I am also finding other people like me that are sick with cancer or other catastrophic illnesses, that too makes me feel less alone. I am in a league at Pogo and I know of two other guys suffering from cancer, one suffering from the same things as me, CML that has spread to the brain. It was weird when we started talking the other day and he was telling me all his problems, I thought “WOW, this guy understands, he has the same shit that I do.” It does feel nice to be able to talk to someone who really DOES know what it is like, to be in so much pain, the seizures, the awful headaches, the feeling of blah-ness, being so tired, the affects of chemo (YUCK). I am going on my 10th year of fighting CML off and on, they say the life expectancy is 9-10 years, so does this mean I am in my final bit of life *sighs softly*. Part of me wants to go so bad, to finally be out of pain, be away from the awful medications and treatments that keep me alive, but the other part of me looks at the ones I love and wants to hold on so tightly to life. It’s such an inner struggle sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I could just lay down in the bed, pull the covers tight around me and will myself to die and just…go, and somedays I do want that. Is that wrong of me? I would never want to hurt my loved ones, but damn, when I am in this level of pain, the promise of peace and no pain seems very appealing to me. I want my pain meds back, I want a tiny bit of my quality of life back, please God. *SIGH*

On a lighter note to end this blog—Did anyone see the video of Bush getting the shoes thrown at him? Muahahaha, it made me laugh so hard, I am going to post it here. Look, if you are a Dubya lover, fine, but don’t bring it on my blog ok? Thanks. 😉 For the ones who feel he is a chimp idiot like I do and haven’t seen the video, here you go!

Now on to one other issue that I find funny. Have you guys heard of the “Parowan Prophet” Leland Freeborn from Utah? He says the US is going to break out into riots right before Christmas because of Obama’s win for presidency. He also says Russia will take advantage of the riots and nuke us, killing more than 100 million people. Freeborn is a survivalist, who has a huge stock of iodine for the nuclear bomb that is going to hit us haha. He says he was in a plane crash in 1975 and was in a coma for 3 weeks, to go to “the other side” and come back a prophet. Riiiight. Hmm–these “prophets” amaze me. Most of them end up with egg on their face from being so horribly wrong.  I will just say, if we survive Freeborn’s prediction, will we make it through 2012? That is when the cult leader Wayne Bent (who claims to be the son of God) says the world is going to end. Of course he was wrong in 2007 saying the world would end on Halloween haha.

7 Responses to “Just some random blabbing…”

  1. 1 sunshines4me
    December 15, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    Hello V!

    Well you know I am one of the people who truly can relate to your struggles with pain, ofcourse not to the extent that you do with the CML, dialysis and other Cancer pains, but in general I know PAIN! I was at my worst during the last 2 years of my marriage (due to physical/verbal abuse and the affect the stress had on my illness) and at the beginning of my divorce the courts forced me into a terrible way of life….No home, no money, no kids and no support….yup, the abusive jerk got the kids too! I felt so screwed by everyone! It had gotten to the point that I was actually “praying for death”, I was at ROCK BOTTOM and my ex-husband and the State put me there….and I still can’t believe it happened!

    I let my suffering get the best of me then, and didn’t like the thoughts I was having (like just driving my car into a wall at 90 miles an hour) and the suicide threats I was throwing around, it just wasn’t ME! Who was that crazy person? It’s like the Exorcist…like some demon took over my body and mind. Chronic pain is so overwhelming, exhausting and debilitating… this much I know!! So I guess when I hear you talk about it(like you’ve written in this blog)I know how desperate you are feeling, because I was there!

    When we get so weak and tired of fighting the big battle against PAIN, it’s only healthy to start thinking about what YOU need and what YOU want. We are always thinking of everyone else around us, and trying to be perfect for them. But you need to know that noone really expects to be perfect, you’re allowed to rest and heal and slow down! It’s really important that we realize that we need to focus on ourselves for awhile, but then as soon as we start to think about ourselves….we feel that it’s wrong, because then we’re just being selfish! You’re NOT being selfish, you are being honest with yourself and everyone in your life by reflecting on your own true feelings. And just remember your friends and loved ones will be standing by you no matter what! Hugs ~ Jenn

  2. 2 Rusty
    December 15, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    Oh sweetheart, I wish I could pass you some powerful painkillers that wouldn’t give you a weird-ass drug reaction. Alas, I have no Rx drugs in the house, and the best I have is generic ibuprofin, which is rather useless, except for joint pain, when the barometer dips, ahead of some precipitation, whether it’s rain or snow.

    V, you’re being honest with yourself, not selfish. It’s huge dilemma, but I think you’re handling it the best you can, and the best possible way.

    Obviously, you care a lot for friends and family. Keep it that way, sweetie.

    Hugs for you! {{{{{V}}}}}

  3. 3 Rusty
    December 15, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    OK, I inadvertently lied . . . I do have insulin in the house, in the fridge, but it’s for my cat. We have no Rx drugs in the house for humans.

  4. 4 V
    December 15, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    Thanks Jenn, I know you do understand and it sucks that people like us have to suffer, yet the drug addicts of the world keep getting and getting, I don’t understand and never will! You know you are always in my thoughts and prayers hon! *hugs*

  5. 5 V
    December 15, 2008 at 8:07 pm

    Oh Rusty!! Just knowing you would give me some if you could made me cry. I am so fucking weepy today, I know it’s the pain, I hate it. The crying just makes it worse because it makes the headaches increase in intensity blah! I have insulin in my fridge too! haha Too bad I can’t give myself extra shots of that to help pain huh? LMAO *big squishy hugs back to you*

  6. 6 D
    December 16, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    Baby. It’s so frustrating to not be able to help you. There is not much I can say other than that I love you forever and will stand right by you under any and all circumstances. I remember you saying to me long ago, ‘it will get worse… will you be able to stand it?’ Well, I stood it and I will continue to stand it. I’ve never backed down and I never will. After all, you are my life, my heart and my soul. I couldn’t live without my heart, could I?

    And now… that video. It is worth seeing bush getting ‘almost’ hit over and over again, in fact each time the footage rolls around I laugh harder than the previous time. Thanks for putting that comic relief up!

    I love you.

  7. 7 jsilvestretb
    December 17, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    Estuvo bueno el zapatazo ya se lo merecia este cabron.

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