Archive for January, 2009

27
Jan
09

be inspired!

We all go through life bitching about one thing or the other, from having no money, to life dealing us a shitty hand. You want to complain and bitch about the mundane…then you see something like this:

And you see that our lives aren’t so bad, there is always someone in more pain, having more problems than we are.

I LOVE this guys inspirational message he sends out to people everywhere. His philosophy is a lot like mine. STRENGTH, you have to have strength to deal with life. I know I would be dead already without being so stubborn and strong. I would have given up the first time I contemplated suicide for the first time at 8 years old. You see, I have fallen so many times and had to pull myself  back up, but I did, and no matter WHAT, I kept going, kept trudging on. We all have the strength to get back up, but sometimes in all the crap we go through in life we forget that. Then we see something like this…and it makes us cry (well it did me) and makes us see that life isn’t SO terrible and we CAN get back up — no matter WHAT knocks us to the ground.

Thanks Nick Vujicic  for being a HERO!  You can also check out his other site Attitude Is Altitude.

That’s it for today. More later.

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26
Jan
09

now this is the shit that really pisses me off!!

Most of you have probably heard about the story of the “parents” that named their child Adolph Hitler…I was reading Shaun’s blog and read something that fucking INFURIATED me, so I am going to rant about it.

Here is the link to Shaun’s post —> Parents Of Adolph Hitler To Be Evicted (you should really read Shawn’s blog regularly, I love it)! Anyhow…to my rant.

If you read the full post you will see this — “The Campbells’ neighbors described a family living on the fringe, financially and socially. Mr. Campbell, 35, and his wife, Deborah, 25, do not work and receive disability payments for emphysema and neck pain, respectively.”

Now, he is 35 and she is 25 and receiving disability and *I* can’t fucking get it?? WHAT THE FUCK? Neck pain and emphysema? I have those…leukemia, I have it, end stage renal disease, I have it, neck and back pain, yeah I have it so severe that some days I can’t even walk, yet the fucking government has fought me for mine for nearly 8 fucking years. HOW pathetic is that?

“Their landlord, Larry Lippincott, who shares the two-family home, said the family is often up all night.”

“I hear the kids playing at 2:30 in the morning and the TV on,” Mr. Lippincott said. “He told me he was a night person and didn’t like to do anything during the day.”

Ahhh, so in other words, they are lazy fucks who stay up all night, sleep all day and bilk the system for disability, while honest people like me, who are REALLY sick and REALLY in pain can’t get it. We have to fight and fight, and still get turned down over and over again.

It’s people like THIS that make it so hard for people like me, with real problems, to get our disability. I bet neither of them have hardly worked a day in their life (if at ALL), probably  haven’t paid much (if any) taxes, yet they can sure get paid to sit on their asses and stay up all night, doing God knows what.

The government is giving money to two people who named ALL three of their children Nazi names and who have Nazi swastikas all around their house. Way to go U.S. government.

They say the “poor” dude is hospitalized due to stress…Whatever — *rolls eyes*. I swear it’s shit like this that makes me lose even MORE faith in our system. I have re-filed my disability again, let’s see how many more times I get turned down, while people like this couple keep getting and getting. *Growls*

I’m out!

24
Jan
09

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

Today is my birthday…I am letting the cat out of the bag and saying yes it is my milestone 4oth birthday! Most people I have told don’t believe me, they think I am in my upper 20’s-lower 30’s…So yes, Lordy, Lordy, V is 40! HAHAHA

I got some nice gifts —  D got me a LOVELY basket of “spa” products, things I SO needed and some more fuzzy socks for my cold feet! THANK YOU baby so much! Jerilyn got me a year’s club pogo membership and a birthday cake! THANK YOU!!  Erin and Nari made me THE cutest piggy bank (that they decorated/painted themselves)!! She got me some books, A Lick Of Frost, Grimm’s Fairytales, Lover Awakened and Lover Revealed from The Black Dagger Brotherhood series I have been reading. THANK YOU SWEETIE!! Kevin got me some cookware I needed desperately and some PJ bottoms and a hoodie, they haven’t gotten here yet, but will SOON. Rusty is making me a ginger cake YUM, and she is going to send it to me. My daughter and sister took me out for Mexican last night, so all in all it’s been a WONDERFUL birthday so far!

Later tonight, my league at Pogo is going to have a big birthday bash for me at 9:00 pm ET, in pogo. My friends will be there, Dori is coming, Happy will be DJing my party, it’s going to be so much fun. You still have time to get a club pogo membership from me and come tonight. I would love to have you there!!! Leave me a comment here and we will work it out!

Here are some pics of my cake and gifts:

cake

cakebasket

piggybank2

piggybank

My Boo Eating My Cake! HAHA

My Boo Eating My Cake! HAHA

Thanks again, so far, it’s been a birthday far beyond anything I ever expected!! I love you all!!

23
Jan
09

I won another award!!!

I won another award!! This one comes from mile191 , you should check out her blog it’s great!! Thank you mile, so very much! You made me smile today!

Making Lemonade Out Of Lemons Award

Making Lemonade Out Of Lemons Award

Instructions for awardees:
please share this opportunity with your favorite bloggers by doing the following:
  1. Put the logo on your blog!
  2. Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great attitude and/or gratitude!
  3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post
  4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
  5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

Hmmmm, I don’t know that I have 10, but I will give it to a few here! In no particular order:

  • My wife D, she has had a rough year like a lot of us have and she ALWAYS has a smile for me and for others. She is always giving out advice and being inspirational to those who need it. She always knows how to take life’s lemons and make delicious lemonade! I love you honey!
  • Mr. Fabulous–My Kev. He suffers from MS, he has fought hard for gay rights, he was in a serious car crash and nearly died, yet he always maintains a smile for everyone. He is always upbeat and makes others laugh, despite what he is going through. He takes care of me and loves me no matter what. He takes his lemons and makes not only lemonade, but he serves it with a slice of rainbows and happiness!  I love you too Kev!
  • Butterfly, of course. Her blog inspires me, and we have so much in common. She is another survivor who is strong! I admire her so very much!!
  • Aria–Another survivor who always uses her lemons for lemonade. She writes honestly, with a side of snark that I LOVE! She is an awesome person…
  • May We Dance Upon Their Graves–I haven’t gotten to know her yet, but her blog is powerful and I relate to it SO much! Another survivor who is very, very strong!
  • Donnie D–I can’t give out an award and NOT give one to Donnie. He is a survivor who is struggling like me, everyday, but it he doesn’t let it get him down. He blogs about many serious issues and I so much enjoy reading everything he writes!
  • RightsForMothers.Com–This is a powerful blog that you all should read. I know it says rights for mothers, but she has welcomed me into her blog with open arms and understanding. She is also very supportive of me, and her other readers! A great person, who is very deserving!
  • Jerry’s/Ottoman’s Blog, A splendiferous spectacle of supernatural and superfluous soliloquies! Is a FUN blog with great attitude, that never fails to make me laugh!

I know it said 10, but sorry, I came up with who I thought most deserved it! Congratulations you all! 🙂

Tomorrow is my birthday *GASP* haha. My league is throwing me a birthday bash at Pogo.Com tomorrow night at 9:00p m err 8:00 PM (I keep forgetting my new time haha) Eastern time. If you play at Pogo, you are more than welcome to come to my bash, just add me to your friends list, my pogo name is pureg0th (a ZERO, not a O)…leave me a comment here so I can add you back, and you can follow me to the rooms we play in. IF you are not a club pogo member and want to come to my party, then let me know. I have SIX 5 day free Club Pogo passes I can give out. It will be first come, first serve AND I am not giving them out to just ANYONE, ONLY if you want to come to my party…So if you aren’t planning to do that, don’t ask me for a free pass. Heh, sorry.

I got my birthday cake from Jerilyn today, it’s SO pretty…D got me a basket of “spa” goodies…so NICE..I took pics of them and will put them on my blog tomorrow…I have other stuff coming, but they were ordered or shipped late and won’t be here tomorrow, but that’s OK, better late than never! Rusty  is also making me a Ginger Cake! YUMMMM. She will be sending it to me too! I can’t wait.

Enough typing for now. I have to shower, I have a show tonight at 9:00pm Eastern. If you want to come hear my show, I would LOVE that. Just click the HHR banner on the right in my links section, put in your requests and put your name in them so I will know you are listening!

Write more tomorrow WITH PICS!

19
Jan
09

insomnia…fear…

keepmesafewhilesleepThanks “Dad” for fucking me up in so many ways. I can’t sleep, I am in what I call my “dad induced insomnia” period again. I am beyond exhausted, to the point of it affecting my body and mind, but I CANNOT sleep. I get scared, and I just KNOW if I sleep before the sun starts to come up I might die. *SIGH* Thanks “Dad” for causing this in me by sneaking into my bedroom in the night and threatening me if I made a sound as you raped and tortured me. I really appreciate these unending nights, up alone, staring at the computer screen until I feel I might go blind–just to try to get rid of the thoughts and memories of YOU, you fucker!! Why did you do this to me? Why can’t I just be normal for ONE day??

I know what set me off, I heard a sound outside, behind my apartment, I looked out from my upstairs window but you can’t see the patio area below. I just KNEW it was “Dad” again, coming to hurt me. I called a cop that has been really great since the last “episode” with Dad not too long ago. He will come when I am scared and patrol around, check things out. He told me he saw nothing, but did that help me? NOPE. My mind kicked into overdrive and I just KNEW “Dad” must have seen him coming and hid, that he was just waiting for him to leave so he could get into my apartment and hurt me again. So here I fucking sit at 5:20 AM, just waiting for a peek of daylight so I can lay down and rest. I am hurting all over, my eyes are burning, I feel so fucking sleepy. I know this routine all too well. Usually once the “Dad” insomnia kicks in, it lasts from a few days to a month, fuck!!! I am too sick for this right now!

“Dad” I really thank hate you for fucking up my mind at such a young age. You really screwed up my whole life! You trained me well, didn’t you, you motherfucker!! I hope YOU are happy, because I sure as hell am NOT! I am miserable, I have went from pure anger to crying tonight because of  YOU!! Why can’t you just GO AWAY, stop your obsession with me. JUST STOP IT!

God, I am exhausted….

17
Jan
09

sometimes i hate life…

Last night was SHIT, all I could do is cry uncontrollable , to the point of hyperventilating. Sometimes, late at night there is NO one to talk to, nothing to do but stare at the four walls in the dark. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. These new meds are making me like a zombie, I am in so much pain. I feel like I want to just die sometimes. I look around and I realize that I really don’t have much of a life. I am sick, I don’t have many offline friends, only my family and Kevin…I don’t have money so I can’t go out to dinner, which I would LOVE to do. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I have been out even to a cheap restaurant and had dinner. My little one who is 6 says to me, “Daddy, can we PLEASE go out for Mexican?” Her little meal is like 4.00, we eat for about 20.00 and I can’t even make her happy by taking her out to a place she loves– FUCK!!!  I HATE THIS!! Why can’t I just take her out?? *sighs and cries*

*SIGH* Maybe I am complaining too much, hell if I know, but DAMNIT I think I am entitled to cry, bitch and moan every now and again, aren’t I? I have been fighting this damn cancer for almost 10 years now, my lungs are going to shit, my back is breaking into a billion pieces, it’s uncomfortable no matter HOW I sit, stand or lay, every bone in my body aches. I am always so foggy headed from the medications and treatments. I have NO income yet, no money to take out my little girl, no money to even go by fucking essentials like TOILET PAPER!!! I wonder why my body keeps on going? I wonder why *I* keep going…I am so fucking frustrated right now…FUCK YOU government for doing this to me and my CHILD!

middlefinger

I’m out.

15
Jan
09

no catchy subject today…

Well, we got snowed in this morning and I was not able to go to my SS appointment OR the neuro, but the lady from the SS office called me and we did my application over the phone and she is going to let me bring in my MRI reports and other medical records I want to go with the application to the DDU (Disability Determination Unit). She was VERY nice and that was a good thing for me, it made the process a bit easier. She was very understanding and kept saying “Bless your heart”, to everything I told her that was wrong…I wanted to say–make a note lady saying “The guy REALLY is sick, give him the damn disability already” HAHAHA.

The neuro appointment I am going to re-schedule. I saw my regular doctor yesterday, he was worried about my TIA’s and said I would probably have to go on Plavix, but he wasn’t going to give it to me until I saw the neurologist and got his opinion on it, because it can be dangerous. Joy, joy, that’s what I need, more dangerous medications.

Speaking of meds, I got my Neurontin yesterday. Chris (the patient advocate) saw me walking in the hall of the clinic and pulled me into his office. I just love him to bits, he’s gay and SO nice, sweet and funny. He really tries his dead level best to get my meds as cheap as he can or for free. I got three HUGE pharmacy bottles of Neurontin. I started titrating the dosage yesterday, I took one, today I will take two and tomorrow I will take three and will stay at three a day for a while (900 mg’s a day) and my dr. said we can work up to 4800 mg’s a day if needed, WOW, 4800 mg’s, sheesh. When I was naming off my medications to the lady at the SS office, she was astonished at how many I am on, I had to laugh at her. Shit I am on so many that I forget what they are unless I put the bottles in front of me. I am forever starting “new meds”. I started the Neurontin yesterday along with a muscle relaxer. The muscle relaxer is suppose to “try” to help my massive spasms in my neck that are straightening my spine *le sigh*. I swear to GOD I am a walking pharmacy…anyone need anything??? LMAO!!!

I am sitting up here in bed, on the  laptop, looking out my window. It is snowing, fucking cold and pretty outside. We are suppose to have the coldest weather yet this year today and tomorrow. We are only going to have a high in the lower teens today and tonight a low of 4 degrees with wind chills well below zero. My ass is staying INSIDE. Tomorrow is more of the same, brrrrrrrr.

Now on to FOOD, one of my favorite subjects haha!! I have a roast cooking on low in my crock pot, YUM. I have potatoes, carrots and sweet vidalia onions in there with it. I can’t wait to eat it later this evening haha. D always says, “Ewww you are eating flesh again?”. Mmm, yes baby, I am hahaha. Weird how I am such a meat eater and she is such a vegetarian, but we still love each other, don’t we honey? hehehehe…

I am still weak from the TIA’s, sleepy and dizzy from all the meds…I just want to lay in bed and do nothing but sleep and maybe play pogo. Do any of you play Pogo? If you do, tell me, we could play some games together. I don’t really play games with strangers, I guess it’s part of my autism, but I worry they will be mean to me *sigh*. I get sick of playing the robots sometimes. I have a club pogo membership, D and Jerilyn always make sure it’s paid up by the year for me, because I don’t do much else online but blog, DJ and play pogo. So I am thankfully that they let me have my paid membership. If any of you play and want to try the club pogo, I can give you a free five day guest pass, weeee! Just let me know!!

Ok I am done typing, my eyes are unfocused and my arms and hands hurt. More later!!!!




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