Archive for January 17th, 2009


sometimes i hate life…

Last night was SHIT, all I could do is cry uncontrollable , to the point of hyperventilating. Sometimes, late at night there is NO one to talk to, nothing to do but stare at the four walls in the dark. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. These new meds are making me like a zombie, I am in so much pain. I feel like I want to just die sometimes. I look around and I realize that I really don’t have much of a life. I am sick, I don’t have many offline friends, only my family and Kevin…I don’t have money so I can’t go out to dinner, which I would LOVE to do. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I have been out even to a cheap restaurant and had dinner. My little one who is 6 says to me, “Daddy, can we PLEASE go out for Mexican?” Her little meal is like 4.00, we eat for about 20.00 and I can’t even make her happy by taking her out to a place she loves– FUCK!!!  I HATE THIS!! Why can’t I just take her out?? *sighs and cries*

*SIGH* Maybe I am complaining too much, hell if I know, but DAMNIT I think I am entitled to cry, bitch and moan every now and again, aren’t I? I have been fighting this damn cancer for almost 10 years now, my lungs are going to shit, my back is breaking into a billion pieces, it’s uncomfortable no matter HOW I sit, stand or lay, every bone in my body aches. I am always so foggy headed from the medications and treatments. I have NO income yet, no money to take out my little girl, no money to even go by fucking essentials like TOILET PAPER!!! I wonder why my body keeps on going? I wonder why *I* keep going…I am so fucking frustrated right now…FUCK YOU government for doing this to me and my CHILD!


I’m out.

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