sometimes i hate life…

Last night was SHIT, all I could do is cry uncontrollable , to the point of hyperventilating. Sometimes, late at night there is NO one to talk to, nothing to do but stare at the four walls in the dark. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. These new meds are making me like a zombie, I am in so much pain. I feel like I want to just die sometimes. I look around and I realize that I really don’t have much of a life. I am sick, I don’t have many offline friends, only my family and Kevin…I don’t have money so I can’t go out to dinner, which I would LOVE to do. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I have been out even to a cheap restaurant and had dinner. My little one who is 6 says to me, “Daddy, can we PLEASE go out for Mexican?” Her little meal is like 4.00, we eat for about 20.00 and I can’t even make her happy by taking her out to a place she loves– FUCK!!!  I HATE THIS!! Why can’t I just take her out?? *sighs and cries*

*SIGH* Maybe I am complaining too much, hell if I know, but DAMNIT I think I am entitled to cry, bitch and moan every now and again, aren’t I? I have been fighting this damn cancer for almost 10 years now, my lungs are going to shit, my back is breaking into a billion pieces, it’s uncomfortable no matter HOW I sit, stand or lay, every bone in my body aches. I am always so foggy headed from the medications and treatments. I have NO income yet, no money to take out my little girl, no money to even go by fucking essentials like TOILET PAPER!!! I wonder why my body keeps on going? I wonder why *I* keep going…I am so fucking frustrated right now…FUCK YOU government for doing this to me and my CHILD!


I’m out.

5 Responses to “sometimes i hate life…”

  1. 1 justice4mothers
    January 17, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Just think about how many people’s lives YOU DO ENRICH by being here, including your young daughter. It is hard to do, I really know about that, but look for the positives when you can, it will save your sanity and you’ll be better for it. Take care sweetie!

  2. January 17, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    It’s okay do vent every now and then. In fact, you NEED do. You’d go crazy if you hold it in.

  3. 3 D
    January 17, 2009 at 10:06 pm

    Yes, and sometimes you love life. Like when we talk for hours. Like when we hold each other and make love to each other in spite of this hard life. You love life when you see Kayla smile and you love life when Kevin dances and makes you laugh… you hate life now because it’s so filled with pain and defeat…but then there’s tomorrow and something happens and all of a sudden you’re joking and on the air making people laugh and dig the music, then life is good even if it’s in a tiny little bubble, a bubble that always gets popped…but baby, that bubble bursts but while it’s afloat it’s shiny and glamorous and multicolored and pretty and we’re IN it, and we’re floating and life is beautiful and life is gorgeous and you and I float and float in our bubble of LOVE…
    I understand to the best of my abilities and acknowledge that nobody knows what it’s like to suffer like you do…but I also know what it’s like to receive your LOVE, your massive ton of love and adoration and goodness…and it’s so worthwhile…because when life isn’t the thing to hate it is the most beautiful life for you and me… because we have each other. I LOVE YOU.

  4. 4 gloriaeleven
    January 18, 2009 at 11:11 am

    Everyone needs to vent now and again and we’re all entitled to complain sometimes. I agree with what justice4mothers said: you ENRICH PEOPLE’S LIVES! You really do : )

  5. 5 sunshines4me
    January 20, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    V~ Remember this blogsite was started by you, so that you could do all the ranting and raving you wanted and need to! So you scream and yell and swear and get it all out through your fingertips, by typing it out…hopefully this still brings you a bit of relief, although it seems like you are really having a time of it with the new meds and the insomnia!!
    Also remember that our children love us no matter what…your daughter’s don’t judge you, they love you….ALWAYS! And the people here (even if we are just on-line friends) love you too and you DO matter to us and you DO make us happy with your sweetness, genuineness and great sense of humour!
    Hell, let it out V…..get those awful thoughts out of your head and listen to your D…..tomorrow will be another day and something good happens everyday, even if it’s just a small thing, like a cute giggle from your little girl…isn’t that worth it??!

    Much love and strengthening Hugs~ Jenn =)

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