19
Jan
09

insomnia…fear…

keepmesafewhilesleepThanks “Dad” for fucking me up in so many ways. I can’t sleep, I am in what I call my “dad induced insomnia” period again. I am beyond exhausted, to the point of it affecting my body and mind, but I CANNOT sleep. I get scared, and I just KNOW if I sleep before the sun starts to come up I might die. *SIGH* Thanks “Dad” for causing this in me by sneaking into my bedroom in the night and threatening me if I made a sound as you raped and tortured me. I really appreciate these unending nights, up alone, staring at the computer screen until I feel I might go blind–just to try to get rid of the thoughts and memories of YOU, you fucker!! Why did you do this to me? Why can’t I just be normal for ONE day??

I know what set me off, I heard a sound outside, behind my apartment, I looked out from my upstairs window but you can’t see the patio area below. I just KNEW it was “Dad” again, coming to hurt me. I called a cop that has been really great since the last “episode” with Dad not too long ago. He will come when I am scared and patrol around, check things out. He told me he saw nothing, but did that help me? NOPE. My mind kicked into overdrive and I just KNEW “Dad” must have seen him coming and hid, that he was just waiting for him to leave so he could get into my apartment and hurt me again. So here I fucking sit at 5:20 AM, just waiting for a peek of daylight so I can lay down and rest. I am hurting all over, my eyes are burning, I feel so fucking sleepy. I know this routine all too well. Usually once the “Dad” insomnia kicks in, it lasts from a few days to a month, fuck!!! I am too sick for this right now!

“Dad” I really thank hate you for fucking up my mind at such a young age. You really screwed up my whole life! You trained me well, didn’t you, you motherfucker!! I hope YOU are happy, because I sure as hell am NOT! I am miserable, I have went from pure anger to crying tonight because of  YOU!! Why can’t you just GO AWAY, stop your obsession with me. JUST STOP IT!

God, I am exhausted….

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9 Responses to “insomnia…fear…”


  1. 1 butterflysblog
    January 19, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Dear V,

    Somehow a horrible disgusting thing raised a beautiful son who has added so much to the world. I am so grateful you are alive, and grateful to know you.

    – Butterfly

  2. 2 gloriaeleven
    January 19, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    I second that! And I’d like to add that by breaking the cycle of abuse (which is a heroic feat) your children won’t have to live in the hell that was forced on you. They have you, a king and loving human being, to be their model! : )

  3. 3 sunshines4me
    January 20, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Wow, Butterfly really said it perfectly….beautiful words, I also agree

    I hate that this EVIL (I won’t even call him a man, he doesn’t deserve it!) PERSON, is still haunting you, and even spying on you!! You will be alright and remember you are NOT alone!! I hope you can get him out of your mind and have a peaceful night’s rest soon my friend!

    Sweet dreams, sweet V!! Hugs ~ Jenn

  4. 4 D
    January 20, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    That pig is like Freddie Kruger, waking or sleeping. Maybe he’ll kill himself one of these days.

  5. 5 gloriaeleven
    January 20, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    Oops…I just noticed that I said king instead of kind! I meant, “a kind and loving human being”.

  6. 6 mile191
    January 21, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    i am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. in so many ways. i wish i had the right words to comfort you. i hate those insomnia nights. things always seem okay and then you get hit with a few of those in a row. life sucks and it is a miserable way to be. i am thinking of you. i am so sorry for you.

  7. 7 D
    January 22, 2009 at 10:30 am

    you know what? you told me I should feel free to write whatever I want on your blogs, so fuck it, I’m going to take this moment to let it out.

    That fucking freak. I’m so sick of swallowing the shit that is him. He’s no different than Hannibal Lechter or Jeffrey Daumer or any of the worlds MOST criminally insane bastards… this fucker is actually worse for the tortures he’s performed on you. But he’s never even going to reach infamy, because he’ll never get a fucking ounce of jailtime, of prosecution or of retribution. You tell me how he’ll get it in the ‘next place’ but since I’m ranting it out with your permission on this blog I have to say that that just isn’t enough for me. It isn’t enough for me to know his karma will pay him back AFTER death… sorry, it’s just too fucking much for me to stomach the idea that in THIS LIFE, while he lives right now and to his dying day that he’ll be able to do whatever the fuck he wishes to do, with money, with health and whatever else he wants. I hate this. I just don’t have it in me to accept that ‘hell’ will have to do. Maybe I’m just being too ‘human’ about it, wanting just that satisfying little tad of justice here and now…but GOD, this man just keeps getting away with all of it, and it’s because he set that up right from the beginning. He created all the programs that will protect his stanking shittfilled ass til the day he dies. He created all the phobias and all the neuroses that ensures that his life will be untainted by true justice, by imprisonment… nah, he’s done so much deep deep damage that his ‘school of crime and silence’ has become his fortress of protection. This scum is protected by all the rules he enforced. All the abuse he oozed into this world gave him a safehouse for his entire life. My GOD it’s hard to believe that anything as evil as he can create such an outstanding barracks of protection for himself.

    I wish for him that his balls get sliced free and dipped into sulphuric acid. Then he should be electrocuted in small amounts as he’s raped repeatedly with a hot iron. He should come back as an infant with full consciousness of being who he is and from the moment he is born he should have to be raped and mutilated again and again by everything he hates, loves and is indifferent to. He must crawl the length of a desert only to be stepped on and shit upon by whomever it is he respects… he must be publicly humiliated on television and in his damned church community.. he should be forced to eat crucifixes and wash them down with molten metal. he should be buried alive with his head sticking out only so that the townspeople can come by and shit on his head. He should be stoned in public. He should be injected with liodcane and have his arm chewed off while he watches, then given no anesthetic while it wears off.

    I hate this man. I’m sick of pretending that hate is a feeling I can’t feel. He’s the only one I hate. He’s one of EARTH’s sickest, most sadistic mistakes EVER to live..he’s worse than Hitler, that whomever the most notorious sadist is.. he’s THE WORST and I want him to PAY in this lifetime.

    *****

    I love you.

  8. 8 mile191
    January 22, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    i agree with D. thanks for having the strength to say it. V. I have an award for you. Yes, for writing what you feel, and for being so nice to me on my journey to heal. i hope it gives you a smile today. i am so sorry for all you are going through, truly. love me. mile.

  9. January 22, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Hey, sorry to hear your insomnia is back.

    I read your list of things about you and saw you have quit heroin cold turkey. You are a very strong person. You will make it through this, like I’m sure you’ve made it through plenty of things.

    Keep your head up.

    – Jerry


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