Archive for February, 2009


Madness Is The Gift That Has Been Given To Me..(A letter to my “Dad”)

I sit here and I realize that madness is a gift, a gift from my dear old Dad.  So I am going to write you here “DAD”, I know you are reading, aren’t you? You want my attention? You’ve got it….enjoy.

Dear Dad–

Yes, part of me is mad. I have the madness and YOU gave it to me. Does it make you happy? Does it give you a hard-on? Do you sit all day and jerk off thinking of all the bad things you’ve done to me over the years? Do you have more pics and video you recorded? Is that what you do? Do you keep them to yourself or do you send them to your SICK pedophile friends? See dear Dad, you are beyond being just a pedophile, you have done this to me MY WHOLE LIFE. You are criminally insane. You stalk me, you call me, you IM me during my shows, you won’t go away. You just won’t, will you?

You have it in your sick little head that I am your “boyfriend”, and when I refuse you, you get mad and kick into “bastard mode” and beat me, rape me and hurt me. Should I tell them Daddy? Should I tell them how you came to me right before Christmas? How you BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT? How you drug me out of my bed, how you bound me…and CANED ME, like I was in some other country being punished. Do you want me to tell them how you caned me so hard and so violently that you caused nerve damage to my back? Yes, and I will also tell them how you RAPED ME with many different things while you had your SON — who has TERMINAL cancer, end stage renal disease AND DDD — tied up so tightly I couldn’t feel parts of my body? Or maybe I should tell them how I lost so much blood that I had to have two pints in the hospital. Yes, I think I will tell them as well that Kevin found me and flung his body onto mine to try to stop the bleeding. How nice you are for leaving me like that Daddy. It was such a nice christmas pressie. It was even nicer when two of the cops that showed up, laughed and figured that since I was this age and it happened, that I some how WANTED it. Oh yes Daddy, that is every son’s wish isn’t it? To have the man who is suppose to raise them, to love them and protect them, RAPE THEM, BEAT THEM, SCAR THEM, BURN THEM, STAB THEM, PUT THEIR HANDS ON A LIT STOVE, SHOVE THINGS THAT HURT INSIDE OF MY BODY, KILL THEIR PUPPIES AND RUB THEIR FACE IN THE GUTS AS YOU GET OFF BY RAPING THEIR  5 YEAR OLD BODIES.

Oh, Daddy, I could go on about the ritualistic tortures you have done to me. It wasn’t a one, two or even three time thing, was it? It has been going on since I was a tiny child. How old Daddy? Was I 2, 3, 4 when you started? I remember 4, was it younger? You SICK FUCK. How DARE you take away my innocence? How DARE YOU scar up MY body, so horribly that for most of my life I have been ASHAMED for the people I love to see me  nude? You took my nice body and destroyed it. Does that get you off too? When you force yourself on my body, my body that is riddled with cancer and pain, do you smile to yourself when you see the scars you have left me with? My back has NO smooth skin left, NONE you bastard! I have scars all over my body! Oh sure, some of them I did myself,  but WHY did I start cutting Daddy? Because of YOU, because the emotional and physical pain you left me in, left me feeling NOTHING, so I have to CUT to feel alive. You have made me feel DEAD!!! You caused a 15 year heroin addiction, you caused me to have SEXUAL problems in my life, you are in every aspect of my life. FUCK I can’t even SLEEP and get away from you, you mother fucker!

You have made me have flashbacks, night terrors, you have caused my OCD, you have made me a germophobic mess. Oh you know that don’t you Daddy? Do you remember all the times you would make me go outside and clean up YOUR dogs shit with my bare hands? You remember that dog, don’t you? The nice doberman you taught to bite and attack me, causing my fear of big dogs. You remember tossing quarters in the garbage cans at home and making me dig them out with my bare hands, while I cried? Oh, I remember it Daddy, every single thing you’ve EVER done to me. I remember.

You  were good though. Really you were. You programmed me at such a young age you were able to control me. You still control me, I see you and I fall to my knees and cower like that 5 year old boy again.  “Don’t Scream, Don’t Tell” , remember that mantra you made me repeat to you over and over again as you SHOVED YOUR ADULT COCK into my child body? DO YOU REMEMBER IT DADDY??? You have made it so hard on me. So very hard. I want people to KNOW about you, how you STILL hurt me. How I DO NOT want it or ask for it. Yet most do…yes most think I must be “asking for it.” You love that don’t you? It gets you off, I know it does. You have made it so people don’t understand how I can allow you to STILL hurt me, how I can still “play the victim”. Good job, Daddy, you have left me with very few people to turn to that can help me, but wait, I want to let you know. I have found some people, and they are WATCHING OUT for me! Does that bother you? I know it does, you are so fucking jealous of ANYONE around me. You write me your SICK IM’s, you call me with your jealousy, you threaten me? Does it make you feel like a big man Daddy?  To know that I cower before you?  

Let me ask you Daddy, what is next in your “gifts” to me? You know, the ones you always end up sending my way at holidays, my birthdays? Remember that one Christmas about 2 years ago, you gave me my blood stained t-shirt you had saved, along with a length of CHAIN with my hair still tangled into it? My God Daddy, that shirt was so small, how old was I when you beat me, then removed it from my broken body to save? Was I about 6 or so? It sure looks about that size. How many other gifts have you saved? I know about the videos and pictures. Yeah, how wonderful of you to fuck that up to. YOU have made me scared to have my picture taken…you’ve made it so that my family and my children have no pictures of me to save when this CANCER finally takes me away from them. Are you going to cry when I die Daddy? OHHHHH wait, that’s something else I forgot to tell the people who read my blog. Should I tell them of your sick obsession to die with me? AH, well I think I will! Yup, that’s right, they will know about you wanting to come to me, beat me and rape me, bleed me until I am dead, then lay your son raping, child fucking body on top of mine and kill yourself. How Romeo and Juliet of you Daddy.

Get it OUT OF YOUR HEAD! I am NOT YOUR LOVER, YOUR BOYFRIEND, EVEN YOUR SON ANYMORE! Get this…I HATE YOU!!! Yes I am saying it, I HATE YOU! I tried, in my own madness, to hold on to SOME shred of hope that ONE day you would tell me you were SORRY and that you LOVED ME. I held out ALL these years for ONE ounce of your fucking love. And I think I will tell everyone how you fooled me. How you fucked with my head and heart ONCE again. Remember Dad, before you attacked me right before the holidays last year? You called me, you were contrite, you were apologetic. You wanted to show me you were sorry. Oh and stupid me, and my childhood dreams of having a DAD, let me have a lapse in judgement and I let you INTO my life. I wanted you to LOVE me in the RIGHT way, not your sick way. Yeah maybe I am sick too, who knows, but I know I wanted to hear that SORRY and that I LOVE YOU and it be a real I love you, not some sick “You’re my lover and you will like when I fuck you, and you will moan for me boy when I fuck you…I love you, you’re my boy, just don’t make me mad and it will feel sooooo good!” OH FUCK YOU. It never felt good, you MADE me pretend out of fear of being hurt WORSE by you. IT NEVER FELT GOOD DAD, you hear me? You fooled me good, then you used that ONE ounce of love I had left for you to hurt me again. You broke into MY apartment and NEARLY got your wish didn’t you? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, SON RAPING BASTARD. You sick son of a bitch!! I do not have that ounce of love left for you DAD. Got it? The only thing I feel for you is HATE, SEETHING, RAGING HATE.

Yes Daddy, I have RAGE inside of me so deep and so big it scares ME. I have held it in all these years, let it fester inside me. Building, building…well Daddy, it’s at the surface and yes, it is scaring me. I have NEVER felt hate  and anger like this before. And you know what Daddy? It’s all here, waiting for you, just waiting. BRING IT MOTHER FUCKER! I know you are plotting another way to hurt me, I KNOW YOU, I know you better than ANYONE. Well bring it, I am waiting. I am CALLING YOU OUT. You want me??? BRING IT! I will unleash years and years of hurt, rage, confusion, pain, terror and HATE on you!

I hate you. I simply fucking hate you. I am NO LONGER your victim. I am no longer the boy you can fuck and hurt. You hear me? NO MORE! I am DONE WITH YOU! Yes, you pushed my final button. Did you really, in all your fucking sickness, really believe it would never happen? That I would just keep on taking it until I died? I hate you……..

The gift you gave me, the madness, it is out, it’s full force and it is waiting for YOU.


Your son….


i’m alive and well….

This will be a short post, but I just wanted to let you all know I am alive and ok. I have been fighting pneumonia for 2 weeks now. The doctor has me on one more round of antibiotics and now more Prednisone, blah I hate this shit. It makes me sweat, makes me jittery and nervous, I hate it and I have to take it for 9 more days *le sigh*.  Dialysis is going ok, it just really took it out of me with the pneumonia on top of things…I am waiting to hear about my disability *SIGH* I hope they just give it to me this time and don’t make me jump through fucking hoops. So all of you keep your eyes, legs, fingers, toes and anything else crossed for me you can haha.

I have also been away from my DJing for 2 weeks…couldn’t talk long without a huge coughing fit, but tonight I am back! Yup, I have had a lot of people writing me to ask when I was coming back, people were asking D. SOOOO I am here to tell you it is tonight in about an hour, 8:00 pm ET. You know how to get there…just click the banner link —-> on the right side and tune in. If you request and put your name and all, I will bump your first song up to the top of the queue!

I have many things that have happened since I last blogged, but I am not going to go into them right now, I don’t want to get sad or pissed before my show. These steroids are making me grumpy enough haha!

I hope you will all come tune into my show and say hi! Blog more later!


we need something fun in my blog! so join in!!

I want you all to participate, this could get to be SO much fun. You can write/comment as much as you want if something springs to your mind later! I don’t mind how many times you comment/write. So go for it!!

Start off a really:
a) funny
b) intriguing
c) wicked
d) revolting
e) amazing

story. This is the very first thing the reader will see and it has to grab the attention. Those are just some suggestions, but create the first sentences of whatever kind of story you wish!

here is my example (true story it just happened about an hour ago):

As I ran my right index finger over the super-slicer, I watched the blood pump from it. It splattered my face, my clothes, the whole kitchen. I looked intensely at the super-slicer, seeing a bit of my finger left there and thought to myself — “Wow I am ready for that hamburger now.”

Don’t believe me? Aha, I can prove it! (I have put bloody pics under the cut, so if you are squeamish, don’t look,  just go directly to the comments and make up your story haha). Continue reading ‘we need something fun in my blog! so join in!!’


Protected: a letter to my family…(getting it out)

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assholes, stupidity and idiots…oh my!

assholeI am so fucking sick of assholes. People who think they know it all, when they really don’t know fuck all. People who assume things without having facts. Such as the person who wrote my wife a note at facebook asking her if I was real or some thing she made up. WTF? Lady get a fucking clue. She assumes because there are no pictures of me on the internet I don’t exist. Well lady, let your father rape you for most of your life, videotape and photograph it to share with other people, and tell me how many photos and videos of yourself you would let someone take of YOU. You might want to spend a few more seconds investigating things before you jump to conclusions. Believe it or not Dori and I have a life beyond facebook, beyond these blogs and beyond the internet OH MY! She has to deal with enough in her life, my cancer, the fear of  losing me anyday, some fucktard stealing her identity, making a living to support herself, her daughter, me…oh fuck you. Fucking asshole. Yeah I wrote you on your blog and I know you will be here reading my blogs, so read this. STAY away from Dori, stay away from me…we don’t need your bullshit. Don’t bother trying to comment here because I will NOT let it through….mmmkay? Have a great day, asshole!


Stupidity. Like the dumb bitch who is assuming my wife’s identity and stealing her writings. Did you really think you would get away with this? How stupid could you be?? D and I search our names on a regular basis on Google to make sure stupid people like YOU don’t try to assume who we are. We got one site of yours taken down, where you were actually fucking making money off of Dori’s name and identity. Scam artist much? I think so. You are so fucking stupid! To take OUR love story and make it your own? To use MY name in there like I am YOUR Angel, you stupid bitch. Oh do I sound a little pissed. HELL YES I am pissed. FUCK YOU. Asshole.

idiotI am sick of idiots too. I am plagued with stalkers, asshole and idiots. GO AWAY people. Stop assuming my life, stop stalking me, stop LYING about yourself for attention. You  know, the internet can be a WONDERFUL place, then some idiots come along and just fucks up the whole shebang! WHY? Can you NOT be yourselves, just be who you are? I am me, whether I am writing in this blog, DJing, talking on IM’s, on the phone or in person. I am who I am. I don’t put on bullshit airs to TRY to make people like me. Why do you idiots have to get in my way and piss me off? The internet is just about the only thing I have left in the world as far as communication goes. I am sick, I can’t get out, I use the ‘net as my connection to the world. I have friends I talk to, I DJ, I am in an awesome league at Pogo where I am a head tournament director, and it’s SO much fun. I am also autistic and have a lot of social problems and I can’t communicate well face to face. I CAN on the internet. So why oh why do you assholes, stupid people and idiots have to traipse your way into my path and fuck me up almost on a daily basis? Just GO AWAY already, ya bother me.

Have a nice day y’all…


Imitation is the sincerest of flattery? (NOT in this case!)


Ok first I am going to quote what D wrote in her blog, then I will add my own words:

D said:

This is the beginning of your embarrassment. You wanted to play dirty? Hey, you picked the filthiest player alive. Come on, fucker.This is the nerve of ‘themadmonk’ here…check out THIS site, you’ll gag:

Let’s let it be known that first you took my name and started a blog where you supposedly rip people off for money because you give ‘psychic’ advice…HAHAH, don’t make me spit up. Then you steal my LOVE story and pretend it’s your own? Oh God, puhlease. You just guaranteed that your karma never sees a love like mine. And then you write ‘About Me’ and steal my every word! Oh Crikey. Plagiarism. That’s what that’s called. Did you see the copy right law on the right side of my page down here?
How would like to be so ripped off? Well, guess what asshole… I’m here to steal BACK my identity from your skanky ass

Ok now *I* must say that this really pisses me off. She is not only stealing MY wife’s awesome writings, but she is using her exact words to speak of “HER” great love story. WHAT BULLSHIT. She wishes she had a love story like myself and D. Also it fucking pisses me off that she says (if you read down far enough into the bullshit) that she “channels V (if you know my real name you will understand)”. WHAT THE FUCK? Channels me? I am NOT her angel. I am D’s Angel. I am the one she called for all of our life times. I am the one that will live and die to love her. She cannot channel me. How idiotic.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well, yes, sometimes, but when you take someone’s words and make them your own and try to make money off of it. She is PRETENDING to be some kind of psychic, saying she can channel angels (Metatron, Uriel and Me she says), she can speak with the dead. Oh what a crock of shit…she is using D’s words (and other people’s no doubt) to scam  money out of people who don’t know better.

Go check out her bullshit HEREand you can plainly see where she uses D’s words…Rantings Of A Mad Monk? D has been using the name Mad Monk for YEARS for chrissakes. Did she really think that D or myself wouldn’t have found it eventually? D has already tried to get in touch with her, I am going to be trying to contact her and the site she is using. This is pathetic and I am PISSED.

~Only D’s Angel - The internets fastest growing blog directory

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February 2009
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