Madness Is The Gift That Has Been Given To Me..(A letter to my “Dad”)

I sit here and I realize that yes..my madness is a gift, a gift from my dear old Dad.  So I am going to write you here “DAD”, I know you are reading, aren’t you? You want my attention? You’ve got it….enjoy.

Dear Dad–

Yes, part of me is mad. I have the madness and YOU gave it to me. Does it make you happy? Does it give you a hard-on? Do you sit all day and jerk off thinking of all the bad things you’ve done to me over the years? Do you have more pics and video you recorded? Is that what you do? Do you keep them to yourself or do you send them to your SICK pedophile friends? See dear Dad, you are beyond being just a pedophile, you have done this to me MY WHOLE LIFE. You are criminally insane. You stalk me, you call me, you IM me during my shows, you won’t go away. You just won’t, will you?

You have it in your sick little head that I am your “boyfriend”, and when I refuse you, you get mad and kick into “bastard mode” and beat me, rape me and hurt me. Should I tell them Daddy? Should I tell them how you came to me right before Christmas? How you BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT? How you drug me out of my bed, how you bound me…and CANED ME, like I was in some other country being punished. Do you want me to tell them how you caned me so hard and so violently that you caused nerve damage to my back? Yes, and I will also tell them how you RAPED ME with many different things while you had your SON — who has TERMINAL cancer, end stage renal disease AND DDD — tied up so tightly I couldn’t feel parts of my body? Or maybe I should tell them how I lost so much blood that I had to have two pints in the hospital. Yes, I think I will tell them as well that Kevin found me and flung his body onto mine to try to stop the bleeding. How nice you are for leaving me like that Daddy. It was such a nice christmas pressie. It was even nicer when two of the cops that showed up, laughed and figured that since I was this age and it happened, that I some how WANTED it. Oh yes Daddy, that is every son’s wish isn’t it? To have the man who is suppose to raise them, to love them and protect them, RAPE THEM, BEAT THEM, SCAR THEM, BURN THEM, STAB THEM, PUT THEIR HANDS ON A LIT STOVE, SHOVE THINGS THAT HURT INSIDE OF MY BODY, KILL THEIR PUPPIES AND RUB THEIR FACE IN THE GUTS AS YOU GET OFF BY RAPING THEIR  5 YEAR OLD BODIES.

Oh, Daddy, I could go on about the ritualistic tortures you have done to me. It wasn’t a one, two or even three time thing, was it? It has been going on since I was a tiny child. How old Daddy? Was I 2, 3, 4 when you started? I remember 4, was it younger? You SICK FUCK. How DARE you take away my innocence? How DARE YOU scar up MY body, so horribly that for most of my life I have been ASHAMED for the people I love to see me  nude? You took my nice body and destroyed it. Does that get you off too? When you force yourself on my body, my body that is riddled with cancer and pain, do you smile to yourself when you see the scars you have left me with? My back has NO smooth skin left, NONE you bastard! I have scars all over my body! Oh sure, some of them I did myself,  but WHY did I start cutting Daddy? Because of YOU, because the emotional and physical pain you left me in, left me feeling NOTHING, so I have to CUT to feel alive. You have made me feel DEAD!!! You caused a 15 year heroin addiction, you caused me to have SEXUAL problems in my life, you are in every aspect of my life. FUCK I can’t even SLEEP and get away from you, you mother fucker!

You have made me have flashbacks, night terrors, you have caused my OCD, you have made me a germophobic mess. Oh you know that don’t you Daddy? Do you remember all the times you would make me go outside and clean up YOUR dogs shit with my bare hands? You remember that dog, don’t you? The nice doberman you taught to bite and attack me, causing my fear of big dogs. You remember tossing quarters in the garbage cans at home and making me dig them out with my bare hands, while I cried? Oh, I remember it Daddy, every single thing you’ve EVER done to me. I remember.

You  were good though. Really you were. You programmed me at such a young age you were able to control me. You still control me, I see you and I fall to my knees and cower like that 5 year old boy again.  “Don’t Scream, Don’t Tell” , remember that mantra you made me repeat to you over and over again as you SHOVED YOUR ADULT COCK into my child body? DO YOU REMEMBER IT DADDY??? You have made it so hard on me. So very hard. I want people to KNOW about you, how you STILL hurt me. How I DO NOT want it or ask for it. Yet most do…yes most think I must be “asking for it.” You love that don’t you? It gets you off, I know it does. You have made it so people don’t understand how I can allow you to STILL hurt me, how I can still “play the victim”. Good job, Daddy, you have left me with very few people to turn to that can help me, but wait, I want to let you know. I have found some people, and they are WATCHING OUT for me! Does that bother you? I know it does, you are so fucking jealous of ANYONE around me. You write me your SICK IM’s, you call me with your jealousy, you threaten me? Does it make you feel like a big man Daddy?  To know that I cower before you?  

Let me ask you Daddy, what is next in your “gifts” to me? You know, the ones you always end up sending my way at holidays, my birthdays? Remember that one Christmas about 2 years ago, you gave me my blood stained t-shirt you had saved, along with a length of CHAIN with my hair still tangled into it? My God Daddy, that shirt was so small, how old was I when you beat me, then removed it from my broken body to save? Was I about 6 or so? It sure looks about that size. How many other gifts have you saved? I know about the videos and pictures. Yeah, how wonderful of you to fuck that up to. YOU have made me scared to have my picture taken…you’ve made it so that my family and my children have no pictures of me to save when this CANCER finally takes me away from them. Are you going to cry when I die Daddy? OHHHHH wait, that’s something else I forgot to tell the people who read my blog. Should I tell them of your sick obsession to die with me? AH, well I think I will! Yup, that’s right, they will know about you wanting to come to me, beat me and rape me, bleed me until I am dead, then lay your son raping, child fucking body on top of mine and kill yourself. How Romeo and Juliet of you Daddy.

Get it OUT OF YOUR HEAD! I am NOT YOUR LOVER, YOUR BOYFRIEND, EVEN YOUR SON ANYMORE! Get this…I HATE YOU!!! Yes I am saying it, I HATE YOU! I tried, in my own madness, to hold on to SOME shred of hope that ONE day you would tell me you were SORRY and that you LOVED ME. I held out ALL these years for ONE ounce of your fucking love. And I think I will tell everyone how you fooled me. How you fucked with my head and heart ONCE again. Remember Dad, before you attacked me right before the holidays last year? You called me, you were contrite, you were apologetic. You wanted to show me you were sorry. Oh and stupid me, and my childhood dreams of having a DAD, let me have a lapse in judgement and I let you INTO my life. I wanted you to LOVE me in the RIGHT way, not your sick way. Yeah maybe I am sick too, who knows, but I know I wanted to hear that SORRY and that I LOVE YOU and it be a real I love you, not some sick “You’re my lover and you will like when I fuck you, and you will moan for me boy when I fuck you…I love you, you’re my boy, just don’t make me mad and it will feel sooooo good!” OH FUCK YOU. It never felt good, you MADE me pretend out of fear of being hurt WORSE by you. IT NEVER FELT GOOD DAD, you hear me? You fooled me good, then you used that ONE ounce of love I had left for you to hurt me again. You broke into MY apartment and NEARLY got your wish didn’t you? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, SON RAPING BASTARD. You sick son of a bitch!! I do not have that ounce of love left for you DAD. Got it? The only thing I feel for you is HATE, SEETHING, RAGING HATE.

Yes Daddy, I have RAGE inside of me so deep and so big it scares ME. I have held it in all these years, let it fester inside me. Building, building…well Daddy, it’s at the surface and yes, it is scaring me. I have NEVER felt hate  and anger like this before. And you know what Daddy? It’s all here, waiting for you, just waiting. BRING IT MOTHER FUCKER! I know you are plotting another way to hurt me, I KNOW YOU, I know you better than ANYONE. Well bring it, I am waiting. I am CALLING YOU OUT. You want me??? BRING IT! I will unleash years and years of hurt, rage, confusion, pain, terror and HATE on you!

I hate you. I simply fucking hate you. I am NO LONGER your victim. I am no longer the boy you can fuck and hurt. You hear me? NO MORE! I am DONE WITH YOU! Yes, you pushed my final button. Did you really, in all your fucking sickness, really believe it would never happen? That I would just keep on taking it until I died? I hate you……..

The gift you gave me, the madness, it is out, it’s full force and it is waiting for YOU.


Your son….

7 Responses to “Madness Is The Gift That Has Been Given To Me..(A letter to my “Dad”)”

  1. 1 D
    February 24, 2009 at 10:25 am

    my darling honey…

    In all the madness, in all the rage and hate, in everything you feel and know as your outrage over this criminal and what he did to your life…he will never know that which he sought: your love. This is his truest and most intense punishment. And what makes it even worse is that you are so capable of giving intensely beautiful and warm love… a thing you never gave him, nor will you ever give him.

    You may have wanted the love that you believed you deserved, you may have even given him the love that a child holds for a parent in the hope that that parent couldn’t possibly mean to withhold in their criminal cruelty… you may have hoped beyond hope itself for that one moment of his redemption, maybe even kept that moment of hope alive throughout an entire life of disbelief… the cruelty, the selfishness, the utter insanity of it all… how he programmed your thinking, how he twisted and manipulated so much so that in the face of the holocaust that he is, he was able to play on the insensitivities of others like him, enabling them to see you as a ‘willing victim’. Oh no. You have made it abundantly clear: willing you were not. And willing you are not.

    In all of his delusion, in all of his desires to have you feel that one feeling for him that you could never fear he must also look at this fact:


    You not only love others but have private and emotional relationships with others that have nothing to do with him. And with me… there are things you and I share that he couldn’t even imagine. We’ve loved each other so intensely that we’ve completely forgotten about him. Oh, there have been times where the situation brings him up, times where we sneer and spit over the thought of him… and yet, think of our life together… even better: think of our love making. I mean, the love making of today’s existence. We’ve conquered him! He is nowhere to be found in our joy! We have taken our private world into a special and protected and utterly private place that nobody can penetrate. We know ecstasies that no human being knows… nor can they even imagine! And… he’s not there! And… he has no clue as to what it is that makes us tick without him so well. We have an entire life without him. And even though he ruins SO much, he doesn’t get it ALL.

    You are entitled to your rage and hate. This is not a live and let live ‘forgiveness’ ‘turn the other cheek’ event. What’s he’s done will never reap the justice equal to the crime…but let’s look at the real punishment here: the real punishment for him is the fact that you are doing what he doesn’t want. You’re telling. You’re telling everyone here, and though you may not get a million responses and comments due to the scary nature of the blog, you DO have a LOT of people reading it… and they are putting the pieces together… figuring things out… because one and one equals two and you’ve given the basic math here. And the equation goes as this:

    There is a criminally insane and very dangerous psychopath and his name is x and he lives in y. He’s tortured someone who calls themselves Quietrage for an entire life and Quietrage does something called ‘shows’. These ‘shows’ are interrupted with harassing IM’s. Quietrage is also stalked (proximity is close), called and frequently harassed. Quietrage has cancer, spine disease and is on dialysis for kidney failure. X still lives out there and is planning another violent break-in and disruption of Quietrage’s home and life, possibly with intent to kill in a suicide ‘pact’ dreamed up of by x. Quietrage has finally snapped and is no longer willing to be a victim. His victimization has turned to rage and irrevocable anger. And the statement to x is: I hate you. I never loved you. I never wanted your abuse. I never liked you raping me. I hate you.

    One doesn’t have to be a forensic scientist to figure this out.
    The truth is out now and MANY people know it and are figuring out things. They too are investigating…they too are figuring things out, because not everybody thinks you wanted this, baby. You may run into the truly ignorant beings who can’t see past their own stupidity and say, ‘hey, he’s 40… must be kinky sex gone wrong…’ NO. There are people our their reading this right now and they are appalled…and they understand, baby. They understand. Not everybody is a monster like that man who fell into the fate of being married to your mother.

    He IS NOT your father. PAPA is your father. There’s only one. And he LOVED you, honey. Papa loved you and he died of natural causes. He died loving YOU, baby. Naturally, too soon, too young…but he died a proud papa, and honey.. you know this is true. The man your mother married, the mistake she married…that’s this psychopathic stranger… someone who’s brain was so fried so long ago and turned to a life of sick, sick crime and the horrendous sexual torture of his wife’s only son. This man… is a stranger. And nobody loves him. Nobody ever loved him. And of all the beings that ever walked the face of this planet..nobody deserves to be loved LESS than him. All he will ever have is hate. All he will ever feel coming at him is anger. Rage. But the one thing he will never know is your love. NEVER.

    We are ALL on your side. ALL of us. And we ALL know.

    I love you…and I will never ever be separated from you. I am yours, you are mine and we are in love.

    your D, forever and ever and ever.

  2. February 24, 2009 at 11:41 am

    That sick fucker belongs in prison, forever. That so-called man sounds absolutely insane. I am so sorry you people like him exist and shed their vileness onto innocents.

    “D” is right — you are entitled to this rage/hate and people DO understand, and not everyone is a sick fuck like him. There is no punishment suitable for what he has done. ((hugs)) Thank goodness you have found love and can still find it in yourself to give it. You deserve it.

  3. 3 cleverem
    February 25, 2009 at 11:23 am


    Please take in my words. I am not in your situation but I must say this in support of you and all you are. It is time. It is time to stop this man. It is time to call the police and report him. Press charges and have him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. This man is a criminal. He is a psychopath. He is an animal. He must be stopped. Now. Who knows what other evil he is doing in the world? If someone were to hurt your children this way, what would you do? It is time for the truth to come out. If the man were smart he would kill himself. You have an entire community of people that will support you and care for you and help you. Say the word and we will rise to your defense. We will crush him like a bug. Please take action, V. Do it now. Or call on any of us to do it. We are all here for you.

    With real LOVE. Emily

  4. 4 butterflysblog
    February 25, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Hi V,

    This was beautiful, real, emotional, and honest. This rapist must not be afraid of hell, because he will be spending a long time burning there.

    You are a beautiful human being, and I am so grateful to know you.

    By the way, look what happened here. You told the truth, and so many of us believe you. There will always be naysayers when people tell the truth. People are still denying the holocaust, you know? But the truth is still there, you own it, and we are all witness to it. You are not alone. You are believed.

    – Butterfly

  5. 5 D
    February 27, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    I just look to the right at that live feed and I just watch how MANY MANY people are seeing this, how many people KNOW now. It’s almost like the word is OUT and this blog’s importance is spreading across the world… I am in awe. And I KNOW it’s hard for people to respond because they are appalled and horrified at this freak who has tortured you. And NOW everyone’s attention is ON HIM. I wonder what goes through people’s minds… if they are putting it all together… just the intense hate that this blog must inspire in others – if thought is creative, then WOW, this sick maniac called ‘dad’ must be feeling very very sick by now.

    Could you imagine having THIS many people all looking at you, knowing how SICK you are, knowing that your secrets couldn’t be kept because your ‘victim’ finally couldn’t take it anymore and just LET YOUR SICK SECRET OUT??? WOW. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be THAT hated.. and just look at the stats… it’s like a hundred people a day coming here to see what he did to you… all those people looking at him… all those people….

    You are an amazingly courageous man, V, my love. I love you and respect you beyond words for standing up to him.

    I love you honey. You are my boy, always.

  6. 6 redhotdot
    March 10, 2009 at 6:56 am

    I am in total shock…I have no words, I have a sick feeling in my stomach…Something must be done, this animal is breaking the law! V, I love you…I can’t find words at this moment. I am so sorry for you and your pain…

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