Archive for March, 2009

30
Mar
09

what is it with people?!?!

I saw this story last night and I was so horrified I cried for these kids — Brother slays 2 sisters, police rescue a third. MY GOD, how could someone do this to their family? Killing his younger sisters, *shudder* beheading the 5 year old as a police office came into the house, her birthday cake still sitting on the table from the day before. Just hearing it horrified me to the bone, I cannot imagine what that cop is feeling right now. To witness a brother behead his FIVE year old sister?  To attack and kill the oldest of the girls and try to kill (seriously wounding) the NINE year old! Luckily the cop scooped her up and got her out of the house. They say he came running out of the house covered in blood, carrying her in his arms. She has defense knife wounds on her hands/body from trying to fight off her TWENTY THREE year old brother. He attacked his sisters while their grandmother was doing laundry in the basement and their Mom was at work at Boston Hospital where she is a nurse I can’t even fathom how they are feeling right now. What I don’t understand though is this — evidently he had been in trouble before for domestic violence, they say he punched a woman who was living there. He also served time for a gun charge. If this guy was prone to violence, why was he still living there? I know, even if it were one of my children, I wouldn’t want them living with my other kids if they were violent. And I certainly wouldn’t be out of the room/house/whatever if that person was there. Now 2 little girls are dead, one is wounded and will be scarred physically and emotionally. My heart breaks for these kids.

Then…I read this 6 Dead In California Murder/Suicide . It happened in an “upscale” (what that has to do with anything I don’t know) neighborhood in Silicon Valley. One woman escaped with gunshot wounds, inside the house they found the bodies of a woman in her 20’s, a 10 year old boy, a four year old girl and a man in his 30’s. The killer, of course, did himself in too (coward that he is).  They said a toddler was alive at the scene but soon died at the hospital.

GOOD GOD. I will NEVER understand how someone can just be so, so, cold, so dead inside, that they would take lives. Not only of an adults(s), but children. INNOCENT CHILDREN. They didn’t do anything, children are innocent. No matter how angry you are, how can you look at a child and stab them, shoot them, rape them, hurt them in ANY way, shape or form? It is frightening that you are hearing more and more of this everyday. I mean EVERY FUCKING DAY. Children don’t ask to be born, they don’t ask to be pulled into the middle of disputes with family members and they certainly don’t ask to be KILLED, SCARRED, RAPED, BEATEN. In my humble opinion (as I often state), if you harm a child, you should die, period. WHY jail them, while our tax dollars pay for them to sit in jail? Usually reading, watching TV, walking around outside in the fresh air? WTF ever. If the child victim isn’t killed, then they are scarred physically and emotionally for life. A life sentence of pain, anxiety, memories. I know, I was sentenced to life in my own prison when I was a VERY young child.

Ah GOD I have to shut up right now, I am so upset, so very upset. I will never understand how anyone could harm a child.

I’m out.

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29
Mar
09

it’s the little things that make me smile..

i_love_my_baby_girlLike when my little girl and I were sitting here on my bed playing Mystery Case Files:Ravenheart 2 together, I was having trouble seeing some of the hidden objects and I said something about my eyesight…and I am in HORRIBLE pain today, my upper back and neck are hurting so bad I have cried off and on all day. It was hurting so bad it was hard to play the game, she saw me wincing and reached her little hand back and started to rub my shoulders and neck…then I said “I am just falling apart all over aren’t I baby?”. She said, “You are still the greatest person in the world Daddy!!”. *SIGH* It made me teary eyed to hear her say that…she loves me no matter what. That’s true unconditional love..

Yeah..it’s those little things that keep me alive.

I’m out..

28
Mar
09

ryan moats detained for running red light while mother in law is dying in hospital..

This REALLY pissed me off. This police officer pulled NFL player Ryan Moats over for running a red light (with hazard lights blinking), as he was driving his wife and his wife’s grandfather to the hospital where her mother was dying of breast cancer.

Now I can understand a cop pulling someone over for running a red light, BUT, he got them in the hospital parking lot, he PULLED OUT HIS GUN on them, when he was told the mother in law was dying what did he do? Well, instead of letting Ryan and his wife’s grandfather go on up to her bedside, he berated him for almost 16 minutes! Ryan pleaded many times for the cop to just let him go up, that his mother in law was dying “right now”. A nurse even came out to tell the officer that she had already coded three times. What did the officer do then? He kept on yapping about “attitude”. WTF? Like HIS attitude was any better. He should have WALKED Ryan into the hospital, verified that his mother in law WAS dying and then let him be with her and his wife, he could have written him a ticket and gave it to him later, whatever. But noooo, he just kept yapping even after he was TOLD the mother in law’s death was imminent, that she was dying RIGHT THEN. Of course, she died while that officer detained Ryan and the wife’s grandfather outside in the parking lot. Which means Ryan didn’t get to be with his wife and mother in law AND his wife’s grandfather (the mother in law’s father)missed being with his daughter as she died of cancer.

I am INFURIATED. Being someone who is terminally ill with cancer, I cannot imagine a cop stopping one of my family members who was trying to get to ME if I was dying. How insensitive can one person be? Now this is just MY opinion, but the cop was a third year rookie, he should have KNOWN better than to act this way, I think he was on a power trip AND I can’t help but wonder if he was racist. I mean how many cops draw a gun on someone for running a red light? COME ON!!! 

The cop has issued an “apology”. What a crock of shit, he issued a statement that his attorney probably wrote for him. He is on “paid probation” pending an investigation. FUCK THAT. PAID? He took away a moment that Ryan and his grandfather in law will NEVER get back. He kept them away from her bedside as she lost her battle with cancer. To me that is unforgiveable. He should be fired. You can DAMN WELL bet if that would have been HIS mother dying, he would have ran red lights to get to her too. Here is his “apology”:

“I wish to publicly and sincerely apologize to the Moats family, my colleagues in the Dallas Police Department, and to all those who have been rightfully angered by my actions on March 18, 2009. After stopping Mr. Moats’ vehicle, I showed poor judgment and insensitivity to Mr. Moats and his family by my words and actions. With great remorse I accept my responsibility for adding to their grief in an already difficult time.

“I have attempted to reach Mr. Moats to express my personal condolences directly to his family and my regret about my actions. While these efforts have been unsuccessful so far, I hope we can talk soon.

“Again, I am very sorry for what I did and ask for the forgiveness of all those touched by these unfortunate events.”

First off how NICE to have an attorney try to do damage control for you. Secondly you tried to contact Mr. Moats? I HIGHLY doubt he would want to speak to you after what you have done to his family. You caused so much more grief for them. For what? A fucking ticket for running a red light. I think you, Officer Powell are an insensitive SHIT, who should lose his job. You have been on that job for THREE years, and certainly you know right from wrong. What you did was WRONG, plain fucking wrong. Maybe one day YOU will be detained by a loud mouth officer that can’t shut up when one of YOUR family members lay dying. I am so disgusted by this.

See the video for yourself:

Part One:

Part Two:

I’m out….

27
Mar
09

omg i am posting!

dog-tiredGod it’s been a hectic few days. I had my 2 MRI’s on Wednesday (already got the results as well and will talk about that in a few), the dye always makes me feel so shitty. Went to bed Wed. night and couldn’t really sleep because I felt so crappy. My sister has been having some major problems (not the one I am pissed at), so I get a phone call at 5:00am, she was screaming in pain, begging me to take her to the ER. As you know I am legally blind, and they took my license, but hearing my sister, who I do love, screaming in pain, I couldn’t say no…so we got her to her car, and I drove her car to the emergency room. We got there about 5:30am. They took her straight back, the doctor did blood cultures, etc. She has a major infection, so they sent her to emergency surgery to clean out the wound and put her in the hospital. Needless to say, it was just me and her there, I had to do things that a brother really doesn’t WANT to do, but I love her and did it anyhow. Like taking her clothes off, panties and all, and getting her into her hospital gown. I had to help her to the bathroom for a urine sample and hold the cup between her legs while she peed, because her pain was SO, SO bad. *SIGH* I did it all, I did it for her. I was SO pissed at her sorry husband though. Not only did he NOT go to the ER with us, he wasn’t there AT ALL. I was at the hospital with her ALL day yesterday, up until they finally got her out of surgery and up to her room. I was going to leave then, but she needed me. So I stayed a bit longer, helped her eat, got her all settled in her hospital bed. Checked her wound for her, all those good things. STILL her husband wasn’t there for her. I hope this makes her see that he is NOT dependable. GOD, I wish I could beat some sense into him, but I don’t think even that would do any good. ANYHOW, she is still in a lot of pain, but it’s some better. They have her on IV antibiotics and demerol for the pain. I just got off the phone with her and I think the surgeon is going to keep her at least another day, if not two, because they want to make sure all the infection is gone and not in her bloodstream.

I got home late yesterday afternoon and I was so exhausted that I ate a little and went to bed. I slept for 14 hours HAHA. I’m sick and weak and having to do all I did for my sister yesterday just zapped me. I am going to rest most of the day today because I promised my little girl I would take her to see Monsters VS. Aliens tonight HAHA. That will wear me out too, but it’s SO worth it! I love watching her get so excited when we get to do things together, I love making her happy! So we will probably go grab a bite to eat, go see my sister at the hospital, then head to the movies.

Now, my MRI. One good thing, there are no new tumors, THANK GOD, BUT, one of my small tumors IS growing, it’s grown about 3.2 CM. So they are going to want to do radiation and chemo again. I AM NOT doing chemo. I don’t know how long I have left, a day, a week, a month,  a year, but I do know I am not going to allow chemotherapy to ruin what little quality of life I do have. I will do their radiation, and hope that by itself will shrink the tumor. FUCK CHEMO! If the tumor doesn’t respond to the radiation, then it will just have to grow and grow until it takes me out. I can’t go through chemo again, I just can’t *SIGH*. There are some new lesions on my brain “consistent with trauma”, in the frontal lobe areas and the brain stem area. Which means the last time “Dad” paid me a visit a few months ago caused more trauma and damage to my brain. All these kicks, hits and stomps to my head over the years have really fucked up my brain *SIGH*. As if I need MORE problems with things like that. That motherfucker! I was already diagnosed with MTBI (mild traumatic brain injury) because of all the beatings over the years. He just HAD to cause more damage, didn’t he? *SIGH* I hate him SO much! Anyhow, enough about that bastard. So since there are no new tumors, they are going to check my heart and inner ears and see if we can find the reason for my extreme vertigo. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow is the monthly all nighter with my league at Pogo. We always have SO much fun when we have the all nighter. We run tournaments as long as we have players!! Last month we were up until 6:00am, and we all laughed until we hurt! If you play at Pogo.com  and want a fun, great league to join, just comment me here and I will give you the link. We are like a big family, we laugh and have fun all the time! So I can’t wait to do that tomorrow night, because I always laugh so much, and I always go to bed smiling.

Ok my hands are hurting. Going to stop typing for now. I am going to kick back, catch up on my House episodes and America’s Next Top Model (my guilty pleasure) episodes on Hulu.com and Joost.com(I am so addicted to these sites haha). If you guys are members, let me know and I can add you to my friends list there!

I’m out!

25
Mar
09

tests

mriI am very nervous right now. I have to have 2 MRI’s of my brain tomorrow. Those start at 1:45 pm. I also have to have tons of blood work done before I go in for the MRI. I am terrified, because I am SO claustrophobic. I tell them EVERY TIME they do an MRI on me that I HAVE to keep my arms up and over my head or I can’t do it. They try to make me keep my arms at my sides, but I feel too closed in,  like when “Dad” used to lock me in closets, small wooden boxes in the garage…you get the picture. So I hope the person doing my MRI tomorrow is understanding. I am also going to have to have an IV with the contrast dye, which I am deathly allergic too. I seriously go into anaphalytic shock and stop breathing. So I have to take meds beforehand to keep that from happening. So I will be all loopy and fucked up when I get there. I get MORE nervous when I am like that, because I feel like people can hurt me or take advantage of me more easily. GOD! It’s all so stupid, I know, but I can’t help it!!

They don’t know if the 2 tumors I have are growing again, which would mean more radiation, and of course they will want me to do another round of chemo (which I won’t do,  not ever again). OR if I have a new tumor somewhere. That is scary. If it IS a new one, it might be the same as the other two, which are slow growers.  They also think I have had another couple of TIA’s (mini strokes), since I had the first one back in January. He said if the MRI’s of my brain doesn’t show growth of the 2 tumors or a new tumor, then my new problems are probably coming from my heart. *SIGH* This shit kills me.  I take meds to literally keep me alive, to keep me from going into blast crisis, yet the meds I take to keep me alive, ruin my organs. My kidney (yeah I lost one kidney to the cancer already) has failed. I am on home hemodialysis  3 days a week now. I take over 22, no wait 24 different meds (I forgot the newest ones *sigh*), I have neuropathy, which I am sure some of the meds I take have made worse. It’s such a vicious cycle.

I am in horrible pain today. I wish the SSI office would get my case done already, let me know something one way or the other. MY GOD I need that insurance, the monthly income. Then I can actually KNOW I can make it to the pain management doctor every month AND afford the meds, because I will have Medicaid. If they turn me down again, (for the third time), I don’t know what I will do, or how I will react. Last time my lawyer fucked me over and caused me to miss my deadline for my appeal, I was so suicidal. I just wanted to die. I don’t know how I will feel if they do this to me AGAIN. For the THIRD fucking time. I don’t know how much time I DO have left on this earth. I am on borrowed time now. 😦 Will I see a dime before I die? FUCK it makes me sooooo mad to even talk about it. I worked from the time I was 15 years old, for the same company. I worked my ass off and got promotions. At the height of my career, I was making 135k a year. Yes one hundred and thirty five thousand dollars a year. I had A+ credit. I paid fucking taxes out the wazoo. Yet when *I* need help, what do I get? Hmm, let’s see. I lost my quarter of a million I had in savings. Yeah that was gone fast, paying for treatments and things. So now I have NO money in the bank. My credits has went to shit because I owe so many GOD DAMN medical bills. I don’t mean just a few. I am talking well over half a million or more in medical bills. I WOULD fucking work if I could, GOD I wish every day I could get up, get dressed and go to work. I miss it. I was a workaholic, now I feel useless a lot of the time. 😦 Anyhow, I digress. So for paying all those taxes what do I get when *I* need help? I get a whole 176.00 a month in food stamps. That’s it. They are still fighting my disability. They won’t give me medicaid (insurance) because even though ALL of my doctors have declared me terminally ill (YES I AM DYING), disabled…the GOVERNMENT hasn’t yet. So until I get that award letter in my hand, no insurance, more and more medical bills piling up on me and that also means I STILL can’t afford pain management. Which means I am in FUCKING pain…severe fucking pain. I guess it’s good that I have Autism, because I have a very high tolerance for pain, I would HATE to think of what I would feel like if I could feel all of my pain. No, I know what I would do if I could, I would kill myself. I couldn’t handle it. The pain right now is almost unbearable. It hurts to sit, stand or lay. And I can’t get fucking help because I can’t pay out my asshole for the pain management doctor.

AH GOD I went off on a rant, didn’t I? Well, I guess you get to deal with my randomness and bitchiness today, don’t you? HAH…I am going to stop typing right now, because the pain is just so bad it’s hurting to type. I just ask that you keep me in your thoughts as I go through the MRI’s tomorrow, and hope it’s nothing too serious. I have enough on my plate already. 😦

I’m out!

22
Mar
09

i wonder..

meanpeoplesuckI wonder why people think it’s ok to be rude/mean/nasty to me? I am always so nice to people, even if I don’t like them. I am nice to a fault, I don’t stand up for myself because I have an intense fear of someone being mean to me or being mad at me. So WHY do people think it’s ok to treat ME like shit?

I was playing in my league at Pogo, in Pinochle, and one of the DJ’s at HHR decided she would come and play (why I don’t know, they usually NEVER do). She didn’t speak to me when I came into the main room, then I had to play her in the tourney, she came to my table, I was nice, I wished her good luck, even gave a smiley. Did I get ANYTHING back? FUCK NO. She didn’t say “good luck”, “kiss my ass”, nothing. Not one word the WHOLE damn game. Talk about being hurt and uncomfortable. My stomach was churning and I got more hurt and pissed by the minute! WHY? Is it SO hard to be NICE to someone, especially considering I have done NOTHING to any of them? I’ve always been more than NICE. GOD!!!!

I am so upset right now, shaking all over, crying and soooo angry. I am really glad now I left the station, because they have certainly shown me they don’t give a shit about me, probably never did. So be it, but don’t fucking be rude to me when I am NICE.

God I have to walk this off, I can’t breathe. FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK IT’S OK TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!!! FUCK YOU!

20
Mar
09

so I am here…

FUCK OFF!

FUCK OFF!

I had to fucking move all my posts and things here because some of my family think they have to follow me all over the fucking internet. Don’t they get that if I wanted them to read the things I write, or be at the sites I am at I would give them the URL’s or ask them to join me?? FUCK it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. I am so fucking sick of having to be censored, to have to worry all the time, and I am VERY fucking pissed that I had to move my blog, thank God for the import/export tool. I got to keep all your great comments and all of the posts I have written. Let’s just hope that this is the last time I have to move. I was so upset this morning when I got an email notification that my sister had found me on yet another site, and yeah this one had the URL to my other blog on it. WTF does she do? Google the fuck out of me and go 15-20 pages deep in to find me? GOOD GOD, just stop it. I want SOME privacy in my life, is that too much to ask? I don’t think it is. Hell I don’t follow her, my kids, my Dad around the internet, so JUST STOP IT ALREADY!! Let me ask you to PLEASE, PLEASE, keep it to yourself if you know my real identity, I need this like the air I breathe. I need this place to be uncensored, to let it all out.

 

*Take a deep breath* Anyhow. I am here. Let’s hope for good. I’ll write more later.




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