Random blathering, from my random mind…

I think it is time to get my “ode to Dad” moved down a bit.  The bastard doesn’t deserve the top spot in my blog, don’tcha agree?

This blog is probably going to be uhhh well…you will see. But it’s MY blog so I can do what I want, right? haha…

relistorI got my Relistor today, thank GOD (yeah I took the pic of it lying on my bed haha). Yes, I know you all don’t REALLY want to know about my bodily functions, but just put up with it, mmmkay? Now, I have been fighting this CML (chronic myelogenous leukemia) since late 1999. I have been on opioids for so long that they have relaxed my intestines to the point that they aren’t working anymore. Oh yes, that means no nice potty time for me after morning coffee. Nope I have been suffering for months with this problems. My wonderful doctor (no sarcasm here, he REALLY IS wonderful) prescribed Colace first…nothing. He then prescribed a laxative…nothing. I mean NOTHING. I took it for four days and not even a CRAMP. So we finally decided that Relistor was the final chance for me and my body.  From the website for Relistor:


RELISTOR is indicated for the treatment of opioid-induced constipation in patients with advanced illness who are receiving palliative care, when response to laxative therapy has not been sufficient.

Opioid-induced constipation (OIC) is one of the most distressing side effects seen in palliative care patients.

  • OIC can cause or result in abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting, or fecal impaction.
  • OIC can last the entire time that a palliative care patient with advanced illness is taking opioid medication.

You see, Relistor is only prescribed for patients with advanced illness (a nice way of saying we are dying) who can’t take a damn crap anymore because of other meds that help us with pain. Isn’t it amazing how a medication for one thing can cause another thing in your body to fuck up? You would think that with all the advances in medicine and medications they could get SOMETHING right for people huh?

Ok I digress — I will take my first shot of Relistor this evening and see if everything comes out alright in the end.  Hardy har har, I made a funny LMAO.  Keep your fingers, toes, eyes, legs and anything else crossed you can that this helps me with relatively small side effects. If it doesn’t, the only other option is a colostomy, that I DO NOT want. I already have cancer, DDD, COPD, a feeding tube in my stomach and fucking failed kidneys, I REALLY don’t need nor want another stoma in my tummy! I have to wonder just how much better I will feel once I can use the bathroom like a normal man again…they say that holding that stuff in can be toxic to your body. Well fuck me rotten, I’ve been suffering with this for MONTHS! Will I suddenly take a good crap that makes me sing with joy and maybe,  just MAYBE feel a little better? I certainly hope so. HAH I won’t be DJing tonight, my Dr. told me to take the first shot today, and then I do it every other day after that. I don’t know HOW it is going to work, so I can’t very well be DJing and say “Oh, oops, hold on again while I go potty”, now can I? HAHAHA. I also don’t know how MUCH I will go the first time, I mean are my insides SO backed up I will go multiple times with the first shot? Oh geez, lucky me. Although, if I did, it might actually  make me breathe a sign of relief haha. Now don’t make a face, you ALL know it FEELS GOOD to take a normal shit. You aren’t an honest human if you say it doesn’t! And you know, you really don’t realize how much you take for granted with your body until you can’t do it. Like peeing, yeah, just plain old peeing. I used to hop out of bed, pee, wash my face, brush my teeth, start my day. Now, since I am on dialysis, I get up…forget I can’t pee, errr, whip it out, then realize “OH, well HOLY FUCK, I can’t pee anymore, what am I doing??” It makes me kind of sad sometimes. You get the urge to pee, the urge to take a healthy dump, to eat, to sneeze, to scratch an itch, and you take those things for granted until you can’t do them anymore. SO, I will be happy IF this Relistor can help me be some what normal again. La De Daaa. Enough about that, I am sure you are sighing with relief about that huh? *snickers*

Ok now, I am going to rant a little. I hope I don’t start to cry again, because I have a headache. I just found out that one of my bestest friends online is getting sicker. Back story– we met on Pogo when I joined his league. We found out we were both suffering with cancer, him lymphoma and me with leukemia, two cancers, same family of illness. We started talking, bitching and moaning with each other, crying, laughing together. We each understand what the other is going through. We know what it’s like to be so fucking sick — to puke our brains out on a daily basis — to feel so weak and tired, to go through chemo, medication side effects, etc.  Yesterday,  we were talking, then he got a call from his dr. saying they were going to temporarily take him off of his chemotherapy and some of his meds because he is going into liver failure. I swear, when he told me that, it was like someone hit me full force in the heart with a baseball bat. We were both crying…I was even crying at the intro to my show last night *sigh*. I went from being so fucking sad, to being so fucking mad I could spit nails. WHY do GOOD people like my friend Chuck and I get sick, when the BAD people like my bastard of a “Dad” just keep going like freakin’ energizer bunnies? The bad keep getting and going and the good like us get sicker and sicker. We suffer barbaric medical treatments, horrific side effects from those treatments and medications. We get so sick that we wonder WHY we keep going, why not just end it all? Of course, the answer is simple — we look at our loved ones and they keep us going, but motherfuck, how UNFUCKINGFAIR is it?

I got off air last night, laid with D and I fucking lost it. I mean really lost it. I was sobbing, I couldn’t stop crying. I was crying for me, for Chuck, for D, for everyone else that IS suffering or HAS suffered with cancer or any other catastrophic illness. I raged at the unfairness that we (the ones living with and fighting cancer NOW) are essentially human fucking guniea pigs for the pharmaceutical companies, for most doctors. I KNOW in my heart there is a fucking cure for cancer out there, but what do the drug companies do? THEY LET ME AND CHUCK DIE. They let other people die. They simply do NOT care. It’s all about the benjamins ain’t it? Fuck the suffering we go through with their “wonderful” chemotherapy. Fuck the intense pain our skin feels when it’s being fried to a crisp with radiation treatments. Fuck the hours of endless puking, the kind I have every day, where you burst the blood vessels in your eyes, where you puke SO hard you pass out because your body just can’t take it anymore. Ohh and it’s even worse when you CAN take a shit, oh yeah, it’s lovely to have to sit on the toilet and hold the garbage pail (that of course you buy SOLEY for the purpose of puking into, because who wants to put their face into the bathroom garbage pail) heaving out both ends as you pray for death just so it will stop. Meanwhile, rapists, pedophiles, murderers and the like just keep truckin’. FUCK YOU pharmaceutical companies! GIVE US THE CURE, you KNOW what it is…for the LOVE OF GOD,  just give it up. If looking at someone like myself, like Chuck, suffer isn’t enough to make you want to give up the cure, then OH MY GOD look at the CHILDREN that I see when I visit my oncologist/hematologist. They are SO fucking brave, they sit there with their little bald heads shining, some so weak they can’t get out of their Mother/Father’s lap, yet they always have a smile, always. If that doesn’t tug your heart strings enough to give up the CURE, then you all REALLY are cold hearted bitches! ACK!

Ok I am done with this rant, I am really making myself mad again and I really don’t need to cry, my head is busting. Oh, yeah, I didn’t mention THAT did I? Oh yeah I think one of my “slow growing” brain tumors has decided to grow again and yeah, that means more radiation, and I KNOW they will suggest more chemo. GOD I don’t think my body could take it. But at the very least, I get to feel like a fucking piece of bacon getting sizzled and fried up in the pan. OH FUCK CANCER I HATE YOU!

I’m out!

3 Responses to “Random blathering, from my random mind…”

  1. 1 D
    March 4, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Oh fucking hell I hate cancer too. I’m an 8 year survivor now and it took so much more out of my life than anyone will ever know. And You KNOW I’m one of the biggest voices out there on pharmaceutical conspiracy and what is withheld from all of us. Believe me, if a Morgan, Rockefeller or a Rothschild got cancer, they would have the CURE pronto.I’m not even talking about small time clerks like Bill Gates..he’s too exposed, and way too humanitarian… I’m talking about the biggest thieves in human history: the federal reserve. It’s all there, cancer, AIDS, you name it… it’s curable. But what made the federal reserve so powerful? American debt. And american debt is insured by milking the public through big business, like drug companies.

    I cry for you and your bro Chuck. I’ve been there.. I know what it’s like to be forced to deny the fear of death. I know what it’s like to feel the imminence of the unknown.. yet, remember this you two: These are the prognoses of DOCTORS and doctors are not GODS. V has survived for TEN years with CML and a multitude of other diseases that would have killed anyone else…but he’s HERE. And Chuck: so are you. You are here, you are alive and for what it’s worth: don’t listen to what doctors say!!! LIVE your lives NOW.

    V, my babydoll…. in your case the initial V should stand for vicious circle. Because your experience with cancer and the FUCKING treatments for it have been one continuous vicious circle. You take the drugs, you get the side effects, you take drugs to help the side effects and they cause other side effects… SIDE EFFECTS. LONG LASTING MOTHERFUCKING SIDE EFFECTS. I had so many damned side effects from my fucking chemo that I was praying for death at one point… and then one day… I stopped. All of them. No drugs…ever again. It’s a chance I take but I believe in my MIND, and Lord knows I’m always alone in this little mind-world of mine, but FUCK, I’m alive! I’m here and I lived to LOVE YOU! I came back from the dead to LOVE you!!!

    And as for Old Man PissMyPants, (you know the child-fucker we all love to visualize being tortured slowly and then put in jail with the death penalty..) he’s probably reading this and getting jealous of your friendship with Chuck. Ha. God. He’s probably bypassed all the realities of your illness, your treatments, your jokes, your humor and your indignance and he’s just reading and getting all fucking possessive. Has he called you yet to say: “Who’s Chuck? You know you’re MINE boy…” oh PUHLEASE old man, why don’t you just die already? God, do us all a favor.

    Anyway, I know you go through way too much baby. WAY too much. All I can tell you is that I’m right by your side and I ain’t goin’ nowhere. I love you. I LOVE YOU.

  2. 2 cleverem
    March 4, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    I know it’s not enough, I know it will not change your endless suffering but I think you are a total fucking inspiration. You are a warrior. And if I am to believe that things happen for a reason, then the reason for everything you have gone through and continue to go through might be to show the world what true goodness is, to show what we COULD be as a world if we took care of each other, if we acknowledge that one person’s suffering is ALL of our suffering. WE ARE WITH YOU, V! xo

  3. 3 butterflysblog
    March 5, 2009 at 8:35 am

    I think you are awesome, and I am so glad that you are alive.

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