25
Mar
09

tests

mriI am very nervous right now. I have to have 2 MRI’s of my brain tomorrow. Those start at 1:45 pm. I also have to have tons of blood work done before I go in for the MRI. I am terrified, because I am SO claustrophobic. I tell them EVERY TIME they do an MRI on me that I HAVE to keep my arms up and over my head or I can’t do it. They try to make me keep my arms at my sides, but I feel too closed in,  like when “Dad” used to lock me in closets, small wooden boxes in the garage…you get the picture. So I hope the person doing my MRI tomorrow is understanding. I am also going to have to have an IV with the contrast dye, which I am deathly allergic too. I seriously go into anaphalytic shock and stop breathing. So I have to take meds beforehand to keep that from happening. So I will be all loopy and fucked up when I get there. I get MORE nervous when I am like that, because I feel like people can hurt me or take advantage of me more easily. GOD! It’s all so stupid, I know, but I can’t help it!!

They don’t know if the 2 tumors I have are growing again, which would mean more radiation, and of course they will want me to do another round of chemo (which I won’t do,  not ever again). OR if I have a new tumor somewhere. That is scary. If it IS a new one, it might be the same as the other two, which are slow growers.  They also think I have had another couple of TIA’s (mini strokes), since I had the first one back in January. He said if the MRI’s of my brain doesn’t show growth of the 2 tumors or a new tumor, then my new problems are probably coming from my heart. *SIGH* This shit kills me.  I take meds to literally keep me alive, to keep me from going into blast crisis, yet the meds I take to keep me alive, ruin my organs. My kidney (yeah I lost one kidney to the cancer already) has failed. I am on home hemodialysis  3 days a week now. I take over 22, no wait 24 different meds (I forgot the newest ones *sigh*), I have neuropathy, which I am sure some of the meds I take have made worse. It’s such a vicious cycle.

I am in horrible pain today. I wish the SSI office would get my case done already, let me know something one way or the other. MY GOD I need that insurance, the monthly income. Then I can actually KNOW I can make it to the pain management doctor every month AND afford the meds, because I will have Medicaid. If they turn me down again, (for the third time), I don’t know what I will do, or how I will react. Last time my lawyer fucked me over and caused me to miss my deadline for my appeal, I was so suicidal. I just wanted to die. I don’t know how I will feel if they do this to me AGAIN. For the THIRD fucking time. I don’t know how much time I DO have left on this earth. I am on borrowed time now. 😦 Will I see a dime before I die? FUCK it makes me sooooo mad to even talk about it. I worked from the time I was 15 years old, for the same company. I worked my ass off and got promotions. At the height of my career, I was making 135k a year. Yes one hundred and thirty five thousand dollars a year. I had A+ credit. I paid fucking taxes out the wazoo. Yet when *I* need help, what do I get? Hmm, let’s see. I lost my quarter of a million I had in savings. Yeah that was gone fast, paying for treatments and things. So now I have NO money in the bank. My credits has went to shit because I owe so many GOD DAMN medical bills. I don’t mean just a few. I am talking well over half a million or more in medical bills. I WOULD fucking work if I could, GOD I wish every day I could get up, get dressed and go to work. I miss it. I was a workaholic, now I feel useless a lot of the time. 😦 Anyhow, I digress. So for paying all those taxes what do I get when *I* need help? I get a whole 176.00 a month in food stamps. That’s it. They are still fighting my disability. They won’t give me medicaid (insurance) because even though ALL of my doctors have declared me terminally ill (YES I AM DYING), disabled…the GOVERNMENT hasn’t yet. So until I get that award letter in my hand, no insurance, more and more medical bills piling up on me and that also means I STILL can’t afford pain management. Which means I am in FUCKING pain…severe fucking pain. I guess it’s good that I have Autism, because I have a very high tolerance for pain, I would HATE to think of what I would feel like if I could feel all of my pain. No, I know what I would do if I could, I would kill myself. I couldn’t handle it. The pain right now is almost unbearable. It hurts to sit, stand or lay. And I can’t get fucking help because I can’t pay out my asshole for the pain management doctor.

AH GOD I went off on a rant, didn’t I? Well, I guess you get to deal with my randomness and bitchiness today, don’t you? HAH…I am going to stop typing right now, because the pain is just so bad it’s hurting to type. I just ask that you keep me in your thoughts as I go through the MRI’s tomorrow, and hope it’s nothing too serious. I have enough on my plate already. 😦

I’m out!

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4 Responses to “tests”


  1. 1 scythe
    March 25, 2009 at 2:18 am

    I love you puppy. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, I will be with you inside that MRI thingee….well, not really, but if I was… we could maybe have a good time…heehee…
    I hope you laughed…. I love YOU.

  2. 2 scythe
    March 25, 2009 at 11:33 am

    Ok honey, today’s the day. It’s going to be okay baby. I love you Zoe Mu. You are my everything and I’ll be waiting for it all to be over so we can just relax and cuddle. I love YOU. It’s going to be OKAY!!

  3. 3 butterflysblog
    March 26, 2009 at 12:41 am

    You are strong and wonderful. You help us all know who we are and who you are. Your friendship means so much to me. I am so grateful you are alive.

  4. 4 mile191
    March 28, 2009 at 1:09 am

    HEY. ITS MILE. I MISSED YOU. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW WHERE YOU WERE. IT HAS BEEN A HECTIC WEEK FOR ME WITH SICK KIDS, SO I HAVEN’T BEEN OUT BLOGGING. I AM BACK. HUGS TO YOU FOR ALL YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR YOU. AND GLAD TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. YOU ARE AMAZING, AND SUCH A STRENGTH TO ME, JUST TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE, THANKS FOR CARING ABOUT ME. I DON’T KNOW IF THIS TYPE HELPS. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TYPE IN BOLD. HUGS.


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