omg i am posting!

dog-tiredGod it’s been a hectic few days. I had my 2 MRI’s on Wednesday (already got the results as well and will talk about that in a few), the dye always makes me feel so shitty. Went to bed Wed. night and couldn’t really sleep because I felt so crappy. My sister has been having some major problems (not the one I am pissed at), so I get a phone call at 5:00am, she was screaming in pain, begging me to take her to the ER. As you know I am legally blind, and they took my license, but hearing my sister, who I do love, screaming in pain, I couldn’t say no…so we got her to her car, and I drove her car to the emergency room. We got there about 5:30am. They took her straight back, the doctor did blood cultures, etc. She has a major infection, so they sent her to emergency surgery to clean out the wound and put her in the hospital. Needless to say, it was just me and her there, I had to do things that a brother really doesn’t WANT to do, but I love her and did it anyhow. Like taking her clothes off, panties and all, and getting her into her hospital gown. I had to help her to the bathroom for a urine sample and hold the cup between her legs while she peed, because her pain was SO, SO bad. *SIGH* I did it all, I did it for her. I was SO pissed at her sorry husband though. Not only did he NOT go to the ER with us, he wasn’t there AT ALL. I was at the hospital with her ALL day yesterday, up until they finally got her out of surgery and up to her room. I was going to leave then, but she needed me. So I stayed a bit longer, helped her eat, got her all settled in her hospital bed. Checked her wound for her, all those good things. STILL her husband wasn’t there for her. I hope this makes her see that he is NOT dependable. GOD, I wish I could beat some sense into him, but I don’t think even that would do any good. ANYHOW, she is still in a lot of pain, but it’s some better. They have her on IV antibiotics and demerol for the pain. I just got off the phone with her and I think the surgeon is going to keep her at least another day, if not two, because they want to make sure all the infection is gone and not in her bloodstream.

I got home late yesterday afternoon and I was so exhausted that I ate a little and went to bed. I slept for 14 hours HAHA. I’m sick and weak and having to do all I did for my sister yesterday just zapped me. I am going to rest most of the day today because I promised my little girl I would take her to see Monsters VS. Aliens tonight HAHA. That will wear me out too, but it’s SO worth it! I love watching her get so excited when we get to do things together, I love making her happy! So we will probably go grab a bite to eat, go see my sister at the hospital, then head to the movies.

Now, my MRI. One good thing, there are no new tumors, THANK GOD, BUT, one of my small tumors IS growing, it’s grown about 3.2 CM. So they are going to want to do radiation and chemo again. I AM NOT doing chemo. I don’t know how long I have left, a day, a week, a month,  a year, but I do know I am not going to allow chemotherapy to ruin what little quality of life I do have. I will do their radiation, and hope that by itself will shrink the tumor. FUCK CHEMO! If the tumor doesn’t respond to the radiation, then it will just have to grow and grow until it takes me out. I can’t go through chemo again, I just can’t *SIGH*. There are some new lesions on my brain “consistent with trauma”, in the frontal lobe areas and the brain stem area. Which means the last time “Dad” paid me a visit a few months ago caused more trauma and damage to my brain. All these kicks, hits and stomps to my head over the years have really fucked up my brain *SIGH*. As if I need MORE problems with things like that. That motherfucker! I was already diagnosed with MTBI (mild traumatic brain injury) because of all the beatings over the years. He just HAD to cause more damage, didn’t he? *SIGH* I hate him SO much! Anyhow, enough about that bastard. So since there are no new tumors, they are going to check my heart and inner ears and see if we can find the reason for my extreme vertigo. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow is the monthly all nighter with my league at Pogo. We always have SO much fun when we have the all nighter. We run tournaments as long as we have players!! Last month we were up until 6:00am, and we all laughed until we hurt! If you play at Pogo.com  and want a fun, great league to join, just comment me here and I will give you the link. We are like a big family, we laugh and have fun all the time! So I can’t wait to do that tomorrow night, because I always laugh so much, and I always go to bed smiling.

Ok my hands are hurting. Going to stop typing for now. I am going to kick back, catch up on my House episodes and America’s Next Top Model (my guilty pleasure) episodes on Hulu.com and Joost.com(I am so addicted to these sites haha). If you guys are members, let me know and I can add you to my friends list there!

I’m out!

4 Responses to “omg i am posting!”

  1. 1 butterflysblog
    March 27, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    V, did you ever see that episode of Roseanne where Dan does something fatherly with one of his kids, and he goes to Roseanne looking for some sort of acknowledgement? Roseanne said “You are a great father. You are the mother of all fathers!” She said it to be funny, but I am saying it to be serious – you are the mother of all survivors. You are an inspiration to me always.

  2. 2 scythe
    March 27, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    hey groggypuss, that great dane IS you.
    Well, you’re such a good boy for being such a great brother. I hope she not only realizes what a dolt her husband is but what an awesome and caring brother she’s got. Too often, they forget the good ones… like you.
    You are great, I love you and I’ll always be by your side for everything and every choice. No chemo! YAY. You’ll be ok baby… I know it.

    I love you.

  3. March 28, 2009 at 12:02 am

    Wow, your sister’s relationship is a divorce waiting to happen.

    I really feel it in my gut your lack of safety, that your abuser still has access to you to be violent to you. If you want to brainstorm with another survivor about how to get and keep yourself safe from him, you have my email and I’m guessing butterfly would also be open to it.

    I know I hate it when people get all overly sympathetic about the abuse in ways that assume I’m a victim and don’t respect my strength and that’s not what I’m trying to do here – but you really do deserve to be safe. I honour your courage for living and loving dreally espite all this.

    May you be safe, may you be loved, may you recieve all that you need.


  4. 4 gloriaeleven
    March 29, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    You are a great brother, so kind and loving to your sister, and everyone that you love! I hope you and she are feeling a bit better now. I’ll keep you both in my prayers. : )

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