Archive for April, 2009



pain can suck my left nut….and my Dad can piss OFF.

Good night.


happy birthday mama!!


Happy Birthday 70th Mama! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! You have been my advocate, my friend, much more than I can even write here! I hope I have you in my life for MANY more years. You can’t go until I do…I don’t know what I would do without you. You’ve taken care of me, I remember when I first got sick, you bathed me, cleaned up my puke, you loved on me…rubbed lotion on me to make me feel good…hell you even wiped my butt *SIGH*. I love you for it…and I will never forget it…

Now I am off to make your birthday cake. I know you don’t care about cards, flowers, presents, but I remember you always saying “I want my damn birthday cake!” So, birthday cake you get! Off I go!

I love you Mama! Always…Happy Birthday *MUAHHHH* kisses for you!


The Truth…

I don’t have cable TV, I haven’t had it in about 16 months, although I HOPE to be able to hook it back up soon (I just can’t afford it right now), so I get most of my news and videos online, of course. I miss watching one of my favorite shows 20/20, and I went on ABC news online the other night when I couldn’t sleep and I found the Barbara Walters special with Patrick Swayze…the ONLY interview he has done since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

This interview moved me in so many ways, he is strong and stubborn like me…when he and his wife are together, it kind of reminds me of me and D, what we go through on a day to day basis, living with my terminal cancer. Patrick knows he is going to die, he just doesn’t know WHEN. I know that I am going to die also, and like him, I don’t know when. I KNOW I am on borrowed time, hell they gave me 4-6 months almost 4 years ago and I am still here, I am still fighting. The struggle gets harder and harder, I find myself weaker and sicker these days and yeah it scares me. Part of me is SO ready to go home…to heaven, to God, then the other part of me fights SO fucking hard to stay, for my wife, for my kids, for my mother. It’s hard, so very hard…and if you haven’t lived with cancer, or loved someone with cancer you can only sympathize, you can’t really completely understand what it is like *SIGH*. I know life with me is hard, hell I am dying, I am Autistic, I have so many mental problems because of my abuse…but I also  know that I have a heart of gold, I am a loveable person…a NICE person. Ah hell, I am just saying it’s hard all the way around. It’s hard to love me…it’s hard to love someone dying, someone you know you are going to eventually lose…someone you can’t grow old with…*Cries*.

I watched Patrick…his strength, his grace…that is how I want to go out too. When I die, I want the people who cared about me to say “V went out fighting, loving and gracefully.” That’s how I want to be remembered. I don’t know that I have much of a “legacy” to leave behind other than my grace and my love. I haven’t changed the world, I have cured a disease…I’ve only fought the fight of my life against cancer…I’ve only loved with all my heart…I’ve only broken the cycle of abuse. That’s it. I’m no hero, but by God, when I go out…please, please remember how hard I fought, how much I DID love.

Anyhow, for those of you who haven’t see Patrick’s interview, get a tissue and click the links…it will touch your heart. I promise.

Patrick–you are graceful, you are a beautiful soul…and you WILL leave a legacy. A legacy of the gracefulness, the strength, the way you live cancer and the love you have for your wife, it’s amazing.

Here are the links (in order of how you should watch them)…and I’m out.

Patrick Swayze: The Truth:

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five


pain sucks!

I just love hate when pain wakes me up….it sucks. Really bad.

Anyhow, I have gotten some great suggestions so far for things y’all want me to blog about, keep it up. It inspires me, and I will be writing up one from your suggestions soon. 🙂

I’m going to get a drink and try to sleep again.

I’m out.



I was looking at my stats, since of course I had to “start over” with them cause I moved my blog (which had thousands of views *SIGH*), thanks to my family stalking me. I noticed that by leaps and bounds my “Autism and Me” blog is the most viewed. I like that, because it means people are reading and maybe understanding more about Autism and more about ME and how I am. Soooo, that got me thinking. Are there any subjects YOU (my readers) would like to see me blog about? That might be interesting. Let you all give me suggestions and I will blog about ’em. Of course this probably won’t get any comments *le sigh*, but we will see how it goes.

Another thing I have to wonder, same as my other blog, I get tons of visitors, but few comments. Why is that? Are people afraid to comment, I mean I don’t bite…..hard. Or is it something else? I love commenting on other people’s blogs, so I guess I don’t understand what’s so hard about commenting. It only takes  a few seconds (or minutes if you really write a long comment). So, yeah, if you don’t mind, tell me why you read and do not comment.

My pain is about a 9 on a 1-10 scale. I am going for a hot shower to see if I can get SOME relief.

I’m out.


swine flu

Wow, this worries me. Swine Flu — Read the whole article, they are saying that it’s probably going world wide (pandemic) and already incubating in other places than Mexico, CA and TX. My immune system is NIL and I surely don’t need something like this shit. I already have to wear a mask and gloves when I go out to make sure I don’t get a COLD, I don’t think my body could go through the swine flu. I got something similar years ago in my 20’s when I was way healthier and it nearly killed me.

Anyhow,  just be extra careful y’all. I sing the praises of hand sanitizer and even more now. Carry it and use it on your hands and anything you touch, such as shopping carts. It could really help.

I have one of my “tumor” headaches, like a migraine x2. I feel sick and I am going to lay down now. Night…


Protected: lifes a bitch, then you die, if you’re lucky…I’m not lucky.

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