The Truth…

I don’t have cable TV, I haven’t had it in about 16 months, although I HOPE to be able to hook it back up soon (I just can’t afford it right now), so I get most of my news and videos online, of course. I miss watching one of my favorite shows 20/20, and I went on ABC news online the other night when I couldn’t sleep and I found the Barbara Walters special with Patrick Swayze…the ONLY interview he has done since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

This interview moved me in so many ways, he is strong and stubborn like me…when he and his wife are together, it kind of reminds me of me and D, what we go through on a day to day basis, living with my terminal cancer. Patrick knows he is going to die, he just doesn’t know WHEN. I know that I am going to die also, and like him, I don’t know when. I KNOW I am on borrowed time, hell they gave me 4-6 months almost 4 years ago and I am still here, I am still fighting. The struggle gets harder and harder, I find myself weaker and sicker these days and yeah it scares me. Part of me is SO ready to go home…to heaven, to God, then the other part of me fights SO fucking hard to stay, for my wife, for my kids, for my mother. It’s hard, so very hard…and if you haven’t lived with cancer, or loved someone with cancer you can only sympathize, you can’t really completely understand what it is like *SIGH*. I know life with me is hard, hell I am dying, I am Autistic, I have so many mental problems because of my abuse…but I also  know that I have a heart of gold, I am a loveable person…a NICE person. Ah hell, I am just saying it’s hard all the way around. It’s hard to love me…it’s hard to love someone dying, someone you know you are going to eventually lose…someone you can’t grow old with…*Cries*.

I watched Patrick…his strength, his grace…that is how I want to go out too. When I die, I want the people who cared about me to say “V went out fighting, loving and gracefully.” That’s how I want to be remembered. I don’t know that I have much of a “legacy” to leave behind other than my grace and my love. I haven’t changed the world, I have cured a disease…I’ve only fought the fight of my life against cancer…I’ve only loved with all my heart…I’ve only broken the cycle of abuse. That’s it. I’m no hero, but by God, when I go out…please, please remember how hard I fought, how much I DID love.

Anyhow, for those of you who haven’t see Patrick’s interview, get a tissue and click the links…it will touch your heart. I promise.

Patrick–you are graceful, you are a beautiful soul…and you WILL leave a legacy. A legacy of the gracefulness, the strength, the way you live cancer and the love you have for your wife, it’s amazing.

Here are the links (in order of how you should watch them)…and I’m out.

Patrick Swayze: The Truth:

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

1 Response to “The Truth…”

  1. 1 scythe
    April 28, 2009 at 11:52 pm


    ok I’m a complete mess now after watching all those videos. And so worth it. He is a dear and wonderful person, I’ve always loved him, ever since Dirty Dancing. And my god what a spirit..and though he’s a different type of person than you, you both have that herculean tenacity..you’re both pitbulls, you fight harder than anyone could ever know. I’ve seen you fight. I’ve seen what you can do. I’ve seen you defy odds again and again and I have also sunk to the bottom with you. I’ve woken up wondering if you’re alive. I’ve kissed you goodnight wondering if I’ll see you in the morning…alive. I know this story.

    I know what it’s like to be Dana Reeve. And I know what it’s like to be Lisa Niemi. And I know what it’s like to be Molly. 😦

    And you will always be remembered as a person of immense strength and beauty… your grace must be balanced by your self esteem, my love..and this means self love.. I wish with my whole heart that by the time it IS your turn, you learn to love yourself a little bit, this is my wish for you.

    One thing I do know is that you will take the love with you when you go… and in that love, you will find me.
    And the love you leave behind… I will feel it all over me, in every breath I take, everywhere I go…

    and one day, we soulmates will become one. Again.

    I love you.

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