32 to go…

CancerSucks1Day three of radiation and it’s already making me so fatigued and weak. The last time I did radiation it took about a week to make me feel like shit, but this time it started on day one. I have puked in the radiation room so far all three days *SIGH*. I went to bed last night at 7:30pm and slept until about 6:30 this morning. That is NOT me. I usually don’t go to bed until late and sleep about 4-6 hours. Yesterday, I did nothing, I just laid on my bed most of the day…my daughter and her boyfriend Jon brought me a subway club sandwich or I wouldn’t have even eaten yesterday.

I am sitting here doing dialysis, blood in, blood out. That wears me out too. The two combined are awful. I don’t want to end up just laying in the bed for the next 7 weeks. I want to get my station started, I have league stuff I need to do….AHHHHHH I hate this!!! I don’t know what is worse, the headaches and seizures or the radiation. They wanted me to do chemo too, GOOD GOD, there is no way I could even function if I had said yes to the chemo AGAIN. I swore the last time I did it I would never do it again…I’ve had too much chemo for any one person….no more. I don’t care what they say. If chemo is the only thing to save me then I will just go out gracefully….

I think I need more zofran for my nausea, my phenegran is not working. My doctor will write it, but I can’t afford to pay for it *le sigh*. I am so sick of this…I want my fucking disability already and my medicaid!! I need Medicaid so bad, it will not only pay for most of my meds and my dialysis supplies, but it will also pay for the pump to hook to my feeding tube that will do it slow and RIGHT. When I do it myself I do it too fast and it makes me hurt so bad I think I will die…gives me sweats, cramps that are so bad they make me curl up in a ball and cry. It will also pay for the surgery on my spine/neck to help me…my arms are getting worse because of the disc in my neck pushing on the nerve root. It’s painful and makes my arms so weak it’s hard to type, hard to pick up anything…my left hand/arm is the worst and I am left-handed…it pisses me off. If it’s not one thing, it’s another hitting me.

When are better days going to come for me? I just want a few good days in all this shit. Just a few–I don’t think that’s too much to ask, is it? I’m so frustrated, so tired…somedays I am tired of suffering and fighting for my life. It is getting harder and harder to handle. Before I could push myself, make myself do it…right now I feel I have no purpose, I am not DJing right now…I miss it. It made me feel like I had a purpose–like I was “working”. I miss working..I NEED to DJ…I need to have something to make me push myself…ah well…

Ok, I am done typing. Going to play a game or watch TV on Hulu or Joost I guess, if I can stay awake 😐 . I’m out….

BTW–If any of you bought Fuze Slenderize drinks, their is a lawsuit against them. You can file a claim HERE <–click. I love Fuze, never had the slenderize…but if any of YOU did, file your claims now.

6 Responses to “32 to go…”

  1. 1 cleverem
    May 13, 2009 at 11:48 am

    I’m glad you’re here! I hate how hard you have to fight each day. You deserve all the best in the world. Hang in there V! xoxo Emily

    • May 13, 2009 at 11:49 am

      Hey Emily! I am trying, it’s just hard somedays…I hate being all tired and shit! But I am a fighter, so I will keep moving on! *hugs*

  2. 3 scythe
    May 13, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Ack. Whoda thought that radiation was going to be this bad this fast? I’m so sorry it’s such a crap deal, babe. And I support you ALL the way on not doing stupid chemo. That would make your life worse, and hey, you don’t need another minute of ‘worse’ now do ya? Nope. I love you so much honey… it’s just the worst to see you go through so much, all the dang time. I really do pray for better days for you. I wish with all my heart that the days ahead would be pain free and sick free…could there even be a glimmer of any of that in the future? Well, we can pray. We can hope. After all, something’s keeping you going now… it must be something optimistic in you, something irrepressible. Perhaps it’s that beam of goodness inside you that magnetically goes for more goodness, in the form of hope? Maybe.
    You are a wonderful and warm person who deserves a life of kindness and health. Why you don’t have this, I don’t know and perhaps never will. All I know is that now I am here to love you and will do the best job I can at that.
    I love you and once again, somehow, you’ll get through this too.

    • May 13, 2009 at 1:26 pm

      I love you too honey..and yeah we will get through this, like we’ve gotten through the other radiations, chemos, surgery, and all that blah stuff!

      I pray for better days for US…I want more happy days with you and the kids, a lot more. Maybe there is something optimistic in me, I don’t know, but I do know that I am always searching for the goodness and the hope.

      I love you, forever and a day…

  3. 5 jonnieangel
    May 13, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Hulu rocks!

    I’m sorry to hear about the whole radiation bullshit. That fucking sucks.

    Hopefully your benefits kick in soon. That’ll be at least one worry off of your shoulders.

    • May 14, 2009 at 12:06 pm

      Ohh yeah Hulu does rock, I love Joost too haha…

      Radiation does fucking suck..any cancer treatment fucking sucks, they are mostly barbaric and they make me feel like a human guinea pig for the doctors and pharmaceutical companies!

      I hope my benefits come in too….I dunno what I will do if they don’t!

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