may 13th, a good and bad day for me…..

Happy Birthday Papa…I love you SO much. I wish you hadn’t have been taken from me when I was so young. I needed you, I STILL need you so badly. I am sorry for being so angry with you, I know now you didn’t want to leave me, you had no choice. I am dealing with brain cancer now, just like you did back then. It’s not fun…and it’s scary and now I have to wonder when I am going to have to leave MY kids. Not that I will want to, it’s just that I will have no choice. Now I know what you must have been feeling. The pain of  leaving me…I have the same pain when I think of leaving my kids…it hurts so bad.

I always wondered how different my life would have been if you had lived–if you had taken me away from the abuse. I know you would have, wouldn’t you? I remember that look in your eyes when you put your hand under my shirt that day in your hospital bed and felt the welts and cuts…I saw the pain and anguish. I am so sorry, I am so sorry Papa. I didn’t mean to make your last few days on earth more painful. Please forgive me for that….I only wanted to be near you…to have you touch me like you always did, it made me feel safe. I shouldn’t have climbed into your bed that day…then you wouldn’t have known what he was doing to me and you wouldn’t have died knowing–died thinking about him abusing me. I know it made it even harder on you to go home. I am so sorry–I hope you have forgiven me for that……..I love you so much. I think about you EVERY DAY of my life. I have since you left…and I always will. One day I know I will see you again–I want to feel your hugs and kisses again. Smell that smell of your cologne…hear that laugh. I can’t wait to hear you say my name in that Greek accent. I miss you………………

Now for you “Dad” I know today is your birthday too. I FUCKING HATE that you share a birthday with my Papa. It makes me SICK!! The thoughts of you always have to cloud his birthday for me…you fucking asshole. I hate you! Yet you live another year, while my Papa had to die, the one that was good to me. And you just HAD to call me today to try and make me wish you a happy birthday….you make me fucking sick. You are evil…mean and evil!! FUCK YOU! Just fuck you.


8 Responses to “may 13th, a good and bad day for me…..”

  1. 1 scythe
    May 13, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    WOW. Baby. I don’t know what to say to this…wow.

    I love you. And papa.

    • 2 scythe
      May 13, 2009 at 7:54 pm

      and happy birthday Papa. 🙂

  2. 3 butterflysblog
    May 13, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    May this day serve as an omen that all the rest of your days be all good days. May the happiest days of your past be the saddest days of your future.

    • May 14, 2009 at 11:26 am

      Thank you hon, you always say the kindest, warmest things to me *hugs*

  3. 5 jonnieangel
    May 13, 2009 at 8:27 pm

    V ~ you know that shit in the past wasn’t your fault…right?

    Your papa would be proud of you. I just met you and I’m proud to have known you.


    • May 14, 2009 at 11:27 am

      I don’t know…I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he felt the cuts and welts on my back when he was dying and couldn’t speak. I feel it’s my fault he died in anguish, knowing I was being abused and he couldn’t do anything about it. *SIGH*

      Thank you so much for saying you are proud to have known me. That makes me smile!! *hugs back*

  4. 7 cleverem
    May 13, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    You are like your Papa, a good and kind and decent man. You have been prey to evil and you have survived! Not only survived, but you are here as this incredible light to others. You make other people’s lives better. They learn from you and grow. You’ll feel your Papa’s embrace again but for now, while you’re here, we will all embrace you. xoxo

    • May 14, 2009 at 11:28 am

      *SIGH* Thank you Emily, I need those embraces. Especially right now. I hope Papa is proud of me. I sure did work hard in my life at my job, at my music, at being a good man like he was…

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