anger and abuse….

angryThis post is inspired by a very nice lady who emailed me. I won’t give her name on here, because I am not sure if she would want that, but thank you for inspiring this blog.

She wrote me to say that she was very sorry for the abuse I’ve had to endure, she also said she and her bf were abused as well. She said she always thought it was best to forgive, until she read my blog, that she understood how I could be so angry. And she thanked me for showing her it was ok to be angry about being abused.

I say that forgive and forget stuff is crap. If you’ve been terribly abused like I have, you can’t forget and for me, I fucking sure can’t forgive, especially since it’s still on-going. If “Dad” had a chance he would rape me today. He calls me everyfuckingday, sometimes more than once. So you’re damn right I am angry and even IF my abuse had stopped as a teen, I would still be angry and I still wouldn’t forgive him. I honestly don’t understand how someone CAN forgive a person who has taken their innocence away, who brutalized their body, who scarred their body and mind. I just don’t get it. I am a very forgiving person, except with “Dad”. I am very fucking angry and at him I always will be.  I am angry they he stole my life, then I got struck down with cancer on top of everything. I’ve never had my OWN life. It’s always been clouded with him and his abuse of me. The abuse has shaped how I view the world, how I view other people. It’s made me suspicious of any one who looks twice at my kids. It’s shaped my sex life (well until I met D)…it’s made me a nervous, jumpy, paranoid person. So why should I forgive him?

If you’ve read back into my blog you will see that “Dad” pulled a fast one on me. Made me think he was “sorry” for all he’s done to me and I did try to forgive him–until he hurt me again. It was all just bullshit, he wasn’t sorry and he will never be sorry, so why should I give him the kindness of forgiving him? He doesn’t deserve it and I don’t think ANY person who hurts a child deserves it. They deserve to die, but they don’t deserve forgiveness.

She also asks me if I was angry “in person”. Yes, sometimes I am. I have intermittent explosive disorder. I have rages, but I never hurt my family, ever. I will tell them, if I am getting angry, just go away, leave me alone and I will get through it. I will hurt myself, slam my fist into a wall, tear at my hair, bite myself, cut myself, but I have never and would never hurt my kids, my wife or anyone in my family. They understand if I start to get really angry, to just walk away, that I will get over it in a few minutes and be the loving person that I usually am. And you see, “Dad” and his abuse caused these rages, so why should I forgive him? Don’t tell me to make myself feel better, because it won’t. I will still have the anger, the rage, the flashbacks, the black depressions, the suicidal thoughts, the cutting. Those are things he caused, why should I give him the kindness of forgiving him? Fuck that. I also believe that through my illness my rage inside has kept me alive. I’ve been given up for dead a few times and yet I pull through and keep going. Why is that? I think rage animates me, keeps me moving–I also think that subconsciously I want to see “Dad” either get his for hurting me or die.

I can forgive a lot of things and I can see people forgiving a lot of things, but the rape and abuse of children, teenagers, NO. I am sorry they don’t deserve it, the biggest majority of abusers/molestor’s aren’t remorseful, they never will be. So fuck forgiveness, give me anger anyday.

I’m out….

4 Responses to “anger and abuse….”

  1. 1 butterflysblog
    May 17, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    I think that forgiveness is some shit that perps somehow drummed into the heads of society. I think it is a bunch of bullshit, this forgiveness crap. My mother once told me “In order to forgive someone, three things need to happen. 1) They need to apologize to you. 2) They need to truly be sorry. 3) They need to never do it again.” If those three things happen, then I could see where a survivor might find it in his/her heart to THINK about forgiveness at some future date. But without those three things, forget it (in my humble opinion). And in your case, FUCK THAT. He can never apologize enough or be sorry enough for the shit he’s done to you (and that’s only what I know from this blog).

  2. 2 jonnieangel
    May 18, 2009 at 5:25 am

    I completely agree! I think forgiveness can only be something that is found within when you are ready for it. The asshole doesn’t deserve it.

    IMHO, you forgive someone so that it doesn’t eat at you. I’ve figured out that being angry doesn’t really hurt the other person. The only thing anger is good for is raising my blood pressure. So, I try to find forgiveness so that I won’t have a stroke. But it sounds like the abuse has already consumed your life beyond something that forgiveness can heal. Besides, the asshole certainly doesn’t deserve to feel he’s found forgiveness.

  3. 3 scythe
    May 18, 2009 at 11:06 am

    I’ve written essays and blogs on forgiveness for YEARS now. This is one of those real tricky words. It’s a word that is inherently designed to make us feel guilt and in my opinion, it’s a manipulative word that has been over used. Somewhere amidst all the self help notions of the modern world this word ‘forgiveness’ was thrown at us to make us feel it is part of our salvation. We are now taught that if we don’t forgive, we are inferior thinkers…not anywhere close to the enlightenment we could have if only we were big enough to just…forgive. I think we need to get a new word for this extraordinarily complex emotional process of releasing the shit that is a definite consequence of someone else’s actions. It’s not all just black and white. This ‘forgiveness’ word is not what it seems… let’s spell out what it really should mean…
    forgiveness, if it is to REALLY be authentic and REALLY work for the ONE WHO FORGIVES (not the forgiven) is this:
    “I am releasing myself from your shit. You were wrong for doing all those unbearably fucked up things TO ME and I am just so sick to fucking death of caring about any of it anymore. What you did was WRONG and MORE WRONG and nothing in history or in the future can ever make one second of your actions RIGHT, RIGHTEOUS, FORGIVEN, FORGIVEABLE, KARMICALLY WITHOUT REPERCUSSION or TOLERABLE ON ANY LEVEL. The FORGIVENESS, for lack of a better word that I am employing for my benefit ONLY is taking place ONLY because I need to get the fuck away from your smarmy mother fucking ass and I am from this moment on leaving you behind. The door is closed.”

    Forgiveness is closing the door and not answering the knock again. Forgiveness means: I’m done with you. From this moment on, do whatever the fuck you want, I’m not a part of your shit anymore. BYE. You are gone. Poof. Forgiven. *doorslam*

    THAT’S Forgiveness to me.

    Your tormentor is such an evil, seething bastard. he’s also insane and there is nothing that would affect him. Forgiveness is the same as peanut butter and jelly. He has one agenda: to obssess over and torment you. You can forgive, stay angry, so insane, write blogs…none of it matters to him… he exists to ruin your life. The words are meaningless. The actions are meaningless. There is nothing in his world but you and the violation of all your rights on all levels. The only thing that can be done is to have him removed by law. It CAN happen, and it won’t. So…we can only hope that karma has something in store for him that will satisfy YOU…because the whole ‘he’ll get his in the next life’ means diddly to me. But then again, he’s only partially ruined my life. He’s took your entire life. What’s to forgive here? Nothing. There is no happy ending. There is no “ah, he’s dead.(happy smile) Now we can live happily.” Nope. He’s ruined so much in this life. He’s done it, he lives and he gets away with it ALL, right now, this very minute…happy, healthy, financially stable and ready for whatever his sick and disgusting mind’s next torture segment leads him to, which is of course… anything to do with you. So, he’ll call later and call you ‘baby’… he’ll treat you like his boyfriend, he’ll make you puke when you hang up the phone on him.. but in two hours, he’ll call again…and then again…and then again….
    he eats and thinks of you.
    he wakes up and thinks of you.
    he plans his days around stalking you.
    he knows he’ll get away with ALL of it everyday. He’s HAPPY!!!!
    and tomorrow, guess what he’ll be doing? Stalking you! Planning the next rape or torture session! Purchasing new medieval weapons to hurt you with! going online to strange sex shops for canes from Malaysia! Who knows maybe acid? Who knows maybe rifle darts? who knows? but what HE DOES KNOW is that he can and WILL do anything his foul demon heart desires…because he gets away with it. he doesn’t care about or even need forgiveness. He’s shit and he thinks he’s a beautiful, outstanding christian man of society! YAY for the psycho who gets no forgiveness!!! May he rot in this life like a stepped on maggot! but.. he won’t.
    forgiveness? No.
    Hopeless? Yes.
    Anger? Oh definitely.
    Vengeance? Only in my dreams.

    I am so angry at him. These words…they are nothing. Just as your worth is nothing to him.
    But you are worth everything to me. What a crying shame that this man still lives.
    and thrives.
    what a crying shame.

    I love you. I am devoted to you.

  4. June 1, 2009 at 12:10 am

    Hi V,

    I agree with Butterfly.

    If you want to get all religious or something on a survivor, I think that people should actually be accurate. Jesus says to forgive those as God forgives us, which means to ask for forgiveness, to be truly sorry and to not want to do it again. I don’t think that most chlid sexual abuse survivors have ever achieved that point.

    I’m glad that you can be angry and blog about it. So many survivors can’t get angry. It takes years of therapy to get there. We need our anger, it is a part of healing.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


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