Archive for June, 2009


i feel…

I feel:

  • Ugly
  • Stupid
  • Forgotten
  • Lonely
  • Sick
  • Tired
  • Abused
  • Let down
  • Put down
  • Objectified
  • Lost
  • Hopeless
  • Hurt
  • Frustrated
  • Needy
  • Stressed

I start chemo on monday….I will be on a continuous drip of 2 chemo drugs for 4 days…off 3 days with oral steroids, back on again, off again, on again….my doctor FINALLY writes me something for this awful pain and guess what?!?! I CAN’T AFFORD IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO MONEY! Wooopie. I am so happy–pissed…no one around me has money, so I am just fucking screwed. And the topper of it all is these meds will make me lose my fucking hair AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Lucky  me…

My whole life seems like it’s been one abuse after another..if not from human beings from medications…I am sick of it. I am sick of having no money…being unable to buy my medications (which are, by the way, less than 50.00). I am just sick of it all…I’m trying REALLY hard not to cut right now. I have to stop typing now.

good night.


Part II

This is part II to last night’s post HERE . Last night, exposing myself and one of my “secrets” was painful, so I had to stop writing. I want say a few more things…so here is the second part.

So yes, I touched on Michael having BDD, being OCD, being sexually and physically abused. But what I didn’t quite touch on was his evident eating disorder and drug abuse. You see…most abused children grow up with major mental issues. And a lot of the issues revolve around CONTROL. When we are kids, when we are ABUSED kids, we feel ourselves spiraling out of control. We are at the mercy of our abuser(s) and as we grow up, we feel the INTENSE need to CONTROL our own lives. In my life I controlled my world by controlling the pain by cutting and scarring. I was addicted to heroin, but I used most any drug you can name, anything to kill the pain. I tried to kill myself more times than I want to admit, I was SO self destructive…Michael controlled his pain by changing his appearance, anorexia (he weighed about 108 pounds at the time of his death) and abuse of prescription drugs.

Self medicating is common among abuse survivors, I think with Michael he got injured…he was given pain meds and he realized that maybe “Hey, if I take this (insert drug here, demerol, oxycontin, etc.) I feel numb and foggy and I don’t care.” I mean look at footage of him at his trial, most times his security had to hold him up, he was very frail and very disoriented…

And now, unfortunately HIS abuser is trying to gain custody of his children. How fucking scary. Will he abuse those kids and cause another generation of body dsymorphic, anorexic, prescription drug abusers who die before their time? I HOPE to God there was a will and Joe and Katherine don’t get these kids. I think Katherine loved her son, BUT she allowed Joe to abuse him and the other kids…she’s an ENABLER..she didn’t save her son(s) from abuse, so she is as guilty for Michael’s life (and death) as Joe is.

You know…I have to say FUCK YOU to the abusers of the world. You fuck us up and you leave us to slowly kill ourselves, while you go on with your life like nothing is wrong (can you say Joe Jackson CNN interviews anyone?) YOU FUCK US UP, YOU RUIN US!!!  I pray those kids aren’t left with Michael’s mom and dad….

Ok enough pain for today. I have a doctors appointment and I have to go shower.

I’m out.


from one abused child to another…to another…….

I’ve been in a heavy state of thinking all weekend…I had something happen to me, which I don’t think I am ready to say to the public just yet, but it made me realize a few things…

I now know what was wrong with Michael Jackson. Everyone always saying he had plastic surgery to “look like Diana Ross”…to “look like his sisters”….”Because he didn’t want to look like his father.” Well, I know now why he did what he did. He had Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Body Dsymorphic Disorder is a serious illness. I was diagnosed with it when I was young. Symptoms are having a problem with the way you look, being preoccupied with imaginary flaws…usually of the hair, skin, nose, facial lines, etc. Having a lot of anxiety over ones looks…getting cosmetic surgery, spending too much time focusing on the “flaws”, excessive grooming, suicidal thoughts, social phobias, shy, neurotic…you get the picture..

Most people with BDD think they are “ugly” or that people will be mean to them because of the imagined flaws. With me, I hated being PRETTY. I felt my looks caused my abuse and I dreamed of ways to ruin myself so I would be considered “untouchable” and the abuse would stop. I still think of cutting up my face to ruin it…..some days it’s hard to get through with out doing it. So I cut other parts of my body…

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is considered an Obsessive Compusive Disorder, which I was also diagnosed with at a young age. I am sure Michael was OCD…

Over 75% of people with BDD (mild or severe) report being abused as children.

In my case, I cut, I scar…I have fantasies of cutting my face up so I will be “ugly” to people and they won’t abuse me anymore. I think for Michael he wanted to be anything but the boy who was abused, who was pushed to be perfect…I also think Michael was sexually abuse…I KNOW he was. I feel it…as someone who is a survivor.

After seeing Joe Jackson’s interview it really hit me just how much of an asshole he is. I mean we ALL know he abused Michael, he admitted it himself…but do we really know HOW far it went? I think it went further than anyone can imagine and I HOPE one day, one of the kids speaks out…I hope they free themselves of the secrets in that family.

No matter what YOU think of Michael Jackson, if you think of the life he led, the way he was put out there to perform (IN PERFECTION) at such a young age, the way the boys were beaten by their father if they weren’t perfect…you have to feel bad for Michael. Again, I came to a lot of realizations this weekend that I just can’t discuss right now, but I feel a kin-ship with Michael now…I feel bad for him and I am sorry he died such a tragic death and now his leech of a father is going to use his death to try and make more money for himself. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if the bastard tired to sell autospy photos of his SON…

Ok I am a bit upset right now, I just exposed some stuff about myself that was extremely difficult. I need to go spend time with my wife and feel better…..

Please, don’t be spouting mean things on this post, it will just piss me off. If you can’t say anything nice right now about M.J. just don’t say anything at all.



Class: Janet Jackson

Trash: Joe “the asshole” Jackson

This fucking man disgusted me. No matter what YOU or *I* think of Michael, that is his FATHER and all the fucker could do was promote his record label and blu ray technology….WTF?!?!?! What bullshit….he didn’t even say “I miss my son” he said “We just lost the biggest superstar in the world”. All he could say when asked how he was is “I’m great.”  Um, excuse me asshole, your SON just died…good Lord. I heard he was dancing around and shit. He was saying Katherine was “fine”…yeah I bet she’s home grieving for her SON, not prancing around, looking like a fool like her husband. Jesus, it made me sick to watch this on CNN as it was live earlier. I was totally disgusted. Of course, he beat the living shit out of the boys, so why should he give a shit about anyone else but his narcissistic self now that Michael is dead? Listen to his shit at about 1:54….GRRR. How could a father act like this? A father who’s son just DIED? Oh riiiight, you WERE the asshole that robbed Michael of his childhood, should we expect anything less from you?!?!

I watched that interview live on CNN and like the interviewer said, he didn’t sound much like a grieving father. *Shakes my head*

I feel for Katherine, Janet, Rebbie, Latoya, Jackie, Marlon, Randy, Jermaine, and Tito. You could tell Janet was truly heartbroken…I bet Joe was hanging around trying to make more money off his dead son’s name.

I’m going to try to sleep again…I have the procedure to have the central line put in my chest in about 5 hours…blah!

Night all…


holy shit…..

First Farrah, now Michael Jackson….I am in total shock here. Damn………


cancer takes another one…

farrahFarrah Fawcett has died. She passed away this morning at St. John’s Medical Center in LA at 9:28am with Ryan O’Neal and Alana Stewart by her side…She fought for three years against anal cancer and it had spread to her liver. She really WAS a fighter, fighting this monster until the very end.  I know she and Ryan were suppose to marry, but I hadn’t heard if they got to before she passed on or not…

No matter what you thought of Farrah, she was a class act when it came to battling her cancer…God bless you Farrah, no more more pain.

For all of us who are battling cancer, won’t you please click the “Stand Up To Cancer” flash banner over there —-> on the right and help support cancer research? It’s FREE, all you have to do is watch a video preview and click the “next” button. You can also leave me a comment…do it, once a day and help those of us that are fighting and dying with cancer.


will YOU listen?

fuckcancerSo will you listen? Yeah you, the one reading…will YOU listen to me? I really need to talk, to get this off my chest…are you going to listen, or are you going to just shut the browser window or go to another page? I sit here and I cry…I need to talk….I need someone to listen…I am FUCKING SCARED. I can finally breakdown and cry because K is asleep, I am scared…I am bruised all over again, my nose and gums have been pouring blood, yeah I am in trouble again.

I had lab work done this morning and got the results this evening. I didn’t tell D, because she is leaving for her trip to LA with her daughter tomorrow morning and why worry her? You know? *SIGH* My doctor said I have become resistant to the Gleevec so it’s not working for me anymore. My blasts are at 23% (over 30% is blast crisis for which they will normally do nothing but pallative care) so right now I am accelerating.  They want to do 6 weeks of Prednisone and a continuous drip of Vincristine. I will have to get another central line put into my chest so I can get a pump and do this at home. I will have a nurse come in and help me, I HATE that idea *SIGHS*. After my course of Vincristine I will stay off the Gleevec (which has stopped working) and go on a drug called Sprycel twice a day…and hopefully we can get this shit under control again.  So yeah I am scared…am I going to lose my fucking hair again? Puke until I rupture blood vessels in my throat again?? GOD!!!

FUCK YOU cancer, I really, really HATE YOU. I am just finishing up another course of radiation to find out I am really not done with some kind of treatment, THIS SUCKS! I am having severe bone pain and I STILL can’t fucking get proper ALL THE TIME pain management because I STILL have no insurance, the government fucks are still fighting me. I did get letters from my State Rep. and one of my State Senators, they were both appalled at how the SSA have been treating me and are going to get involved. I hope they can help me. I really, REALLY need it now.

AH fuck it, I am going to play a game until my eyes won’t stay open anymore….Slingo Supreme here I come. Thanks to anyone who listened………..I had to get it off my chest before I exploded. - The internets fastest growing blog directory

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