will YOU listen?

fuckcancerSo will you listen? Yeah you, the one reading…will YOU listen to me? I really need to talk, to get this off my chest…are you going to listen, or are you going to just shut the browser window or go to another page? I sit here and I cry…I need to talk….I need someone to listen…I am FUCKING SCARED. I can finally breakdown and cry because K is asleep, I am scared…I am bruised all over again, my nose and gums have been pouring blood, yeah I am in trouble again.

I had lab work done this morning and got the results this evening. I didn’t tell D, because she is leaving for her trip to LA with her daughter tomorrow morning and why worry her? You know? *SIGH* My doctor said I have become resistant to the Gleevec so it’s not working for me anymore. My blasts are at 23% (over 30% is blast crisis for which they will normally do nothing but pallative care) so right now I am accelerating.  They want to do 6 weeks of Prednisone and a continuous drip of Vincristine. I will have to get another central line put into my chest so I can get a pump and do this at home. I will have a nurse come in and help me, I HATE that idea *SIGHS*. After my course of Vincristine I will stay off the Gleevec (which has stopped working) and go on a drug called Sprycel twice a day…and hopefully we can get this shit under control again.  So yeah I am scared…am I going to lose my fucking hair again? Puke until I rupture blood vessels in my throat again?? GOD!!!

FUCK YOU cancer, I really, really HATE YOU. I am just finishing up another course of radiation to find out I am really not done with some kind of treatment, THIS SUCKS! I am having severe bone pain and I STILL can’t fucking get proper ALL THE TIME pain management because I STILL have no insurance, the government fucks are still fighting me. I did get letters from my State Rep. and one of my State Senators, they were both appalled at how the SSA have been treating me and are going to get involved. I hope they can help me. I really, REALLY need it now.

AH fuck it, I am going to play a game until my eyes won’t stay open anymore….Slingo Supreme here I come. Thanks to anyone who listened………..I had to get it off my chest before I exploded.

8 Responses to “will YOU listen?”

  1. 1 countessbathory
    June 25, 2009 at 2:10 am

    I’m sorry for everything hon.

    Love you with all my heart.

    • June 25, 2009 at 1:46 pm

      Love you too, hon…

  2. 3 tragicwolf
    June 25, 2009 at 2:26 am

    [b] Yes, I am here listening, and crying with you. *gentle hug* I am so, so sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine how scared you must be. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    • June 25, 2009 at 1:46 pm

      Thanks, sweetie. You are such a kind person! *hugs back*

  3. 5 chuckm10857
    June 25, 2009 at 2:41 am

    Bro im very sorry …. if i can do anything you know where to find me. Scream, cuss, cry.. ill be here. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Dont turn away from your friends, bro.. we care.
    Dont forget.. we have need to make some folks laugh.. including us, friday and sat nights. Even if we dont feel up to it… hell, you never know… might help! and….:-P mom will be there.

    love you and praying for you.

    • June 25, 2009 at 1:48 pm

      Bro, wow, I am so glad you have posted here! That means a lot to me….I know you are here for me, as I am for you. I won’t turn away, I was just in hiding most of the day yesterday, licking my wounds I guess. We will make ’em laugh, and as you said, hopefully ourselves in the process. Ah man, why did you tell Mom about our specials? HAHA Now she will want to do more dental work on me…

      Thanks for making me laugh bro, I needed it and I love you too!

  4. 7 3starjimmy
    June 25, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    I am So sorry, I didn’t know the Severity of Your condition. What can we do to help to get Theses Officials off There Ass ? Here in Michigan There is So many Services That could help You out. I don’t understand why Kentucky is Putting You through this Hell, when any Doctor can see You need assistance.
    Don’t Stop hammering those officials in Frankfort,and Let me know of anything I can do To help.

    Much Love

    • June 25, 2009 at 1:50 pm

      Hey Jimmy, glad you are at my blog now and posting…

      Ah I’m already in the process of getting them off their asses. So just keep your fingers, toes, eyes, legs, whatever crossed that getting the Senator and State Rep involved will finally get my SSI. I am sick and tired of not having any money and no insurance…So I keep praying!

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