12
Jul
09

just please understand! :-(

You know what? If you REALLY care about me and how I am, why not write me now and then to ask? Email me, IM me, CALL ME?!?!?!  It hurts me when people say they care, yet they never bother to talk to ME about how I am feeling? And to let my friends know…I am not HIDING from anyone. If I am not showing online to you, then I am not showing online to ANYONE, I am OFFLINE, probably resting. If I DO answer you but I am invisible, it simply means I am NOT staying online, but I am checking my IM’s to see if any of you have sent me one. I want ALL my friends to know that I do care, it’s not that I am ignoring ANY  ONE of you. I’ve got people coming from all directions, wondering why I don’t “hang out” with them, “IM with them”..etc. *SIGH* I’m TRYING the best I can, please understand!

This chemo is REALLY getting to  me. Everyone is different and everyone reacts to treatments differently. Some can go about their lives like they aren’t going through anything, others get SICK and I mean SICK. I have so much pain in my body right now, that even my CLOTHES touching my skin hurts. I can’t sleep with covers over me at night because it HURTS. Even my fucking hair hurts (which I will probably start to lose in another week or two). I’m sorry if I can’t do the things expected of me…or if I let people down. When I hurt this much, I feel anti-social. I don’t want to hang around in a chat room full of people, where I have to act like I am A-OK, and everything is freakin’ peachy. It’s NOT. It’s nothing against ANYONE, it’s just how I am feeling right now. I am just in a lot of pain, throwing my guts up so much I am bursting blood vessels in my eyes, having more  nosebleeds than ever. So how am I suppose to be around people and pretend that I am fine?

Yeah I blog, but I can write a bit, leave, come back, (things called drafts you know). I do my talk show once a week, and I have D there just in CASE I have to mute my mic and PUKE my brains out. My show is one hour long and I do it from my bed…just that ONE hour of talking on my show wears me out so much.

I can’t do things right now that require multi-tasking, going to different windows back and forth. I have the “chemo-fog” right now, my brain is REALLY foggy and I have a hard time using ONE browser window. let alone two or even three.

I’m sorry if everyone doesn’t understand. I am sorry if you think I don’t want to be your friend. I am sorry if I let people down, but again, I can’t help it, and I would hope my FRIENDS would understand.

*SIGHS HEAVILY* I am out. Can’t do this anymore. I can’t cry, I will make my headache worse.

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11 Responses to “just please understand! :-(”


  1. 1 D
    July 12, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    You are the most precious person in the world to me. I hope people do understand how hard it is and I hope they DO write you and check in on you.
    I love you more than life. Every minute we have together is a treasure. I adore you, now and always and I will ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU!

    I love you.

    • July 14, 2009 at 2:23 pm

      I love you too baby….more than you can imagine! *smoooochies* </strong)

  2. 3 reenie53
    July 12, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    V and D,
    You amaze me. I admire, almost envy, you for the relationship and pure love that you both have for each other. You are both going through so damn much with this cancer monster in your lives and I know it can’t be easy for either of you. But just reading your posts, the devotion you have towards each other is truly genuine and remarkable. Sadly, you just don’t see that very often in today’s world.
    V, I don’t know what to say. I wish I did. 😦 I wish all your pain and fear could be magically erased and you could get up every morning without all the agony you’re feeling. Cancer touches nearly everyone in some way, if not directly then a friend or acquaintance. It’s a horrible debilitating disease that I pray every day, they find a cure for.
    If it’s alright, I’ll email you more often. I do think about you and wonder how you’re doing, but course you don’t know that if I don’t tell you. 🙂
    Please take care, sleep, and feel better.
    Maurine

    • July 14, 2009 at 2:22 pm

      Thank you Maurine, for writing, for emailing–for everything!! Cancer DOES suck and it pisses me off so much! I am sick of having this crap and all the things that go along with it.

      Yes D and I are devoted to each other, very much so. She’s been my rock through so much of this and I really don’t know what I would do without her!

      Please do email me! I love getting emails! 😀

  3. 5 angelgrl18
    July 12, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    what is your email? I would love to get to know you better. *hug*
    by the way what’s your favorite song? mine currently is hear you me by jimmy eat world. give it a listen some time :)God bless you.
    Kate

    • July 14, 2009 at 2:20 pm

      Hey Kate, my email address is over —-> on the side bar under the contact me! Email me anytime! My favorite song of all time is Annie Lennox- Love Song For A Vampire. My favorite song of right now, hmm…Probably Breaking Benjamin’s Breathe… 🙂 I hope you are doing ok hon!

  4. 7 3starjimmy
    July 13, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    I want You to Know, I do Appreciate and care about You.Some People Hide within a Pseudonym and You never get to know Them. I’ve learned so much from a Person I only know as Valyn.
    I know him as a Compassionate,Caring and Brave Individual who’s fighting everyday for His Life.
    Even in The Short Time I’ve known You You’ve Always been Kind to Me. Anytime You want to Talk I will be There For You.
    Hit me up on My Email or Call (Do You still have My #?)

    Either Way, I’ll Always be here for You…..
    Love Ya Buddy

    • July 14, 2009 at 2:19 pm

      Thanks, Jimmy! I always appreciate your comments. I always try to be nice, kind, compassionate and loving! 🙂 Thanks for noticing that about me! Means I am doing SOMETHING right!

  5. 9 countessbathory
    July 14, 2009 at 1:20 am

    I hope I’m not included in this but if I am, I’m sorry.

    I do try to call weekly to make sure your okay and see how your doing but I don’t like to call you allot cause I always seem to call you when you’re sleeping. =/

    I can call you more often if you think you can handle me =P

    I do love you sweetheart and I’m sorry if it doesn’t come across that way.

    • July 14, 2009 at 2:18 pm

      No hon, it was not about YOU at all. You are fine in my world.. no worries! And I love you too! 🙂

      • 11 countessbathory
        July 15, 2009 at 10:13 pm

        Heh, good to know. Stupid ass paranoia.


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