just some random blathering…

Well, tomorrow I start week 3 of this continous chemotherapy drip. IT SUCKS. I have been through 5 rounds in 10 years and other than the first one they did to prep me for the bone marrow transplant this is THE worst. It makes me hurt ALL over. Even my skin hurts, it’s like the nerves are on edge or something. My clothes hurt to wear, the bedsheets hurt…I HATE it.

As I said in my other post, I shaved my head, I couldn’t watch it  just slowly fall out, it is just too painful. Now I am losing other body hair…I am pretty hairless naturally, no chest hair, back hair, butt cheek hair (haha). But I am losing my arm pit hair, and uhh, other places. I don’t like it. I DO NOT like it.  So what’s next–well my eyebrows and eyelashes…then I will look like a total fuckin’ alien.

My mother saw me the other day and just cried when she saw the bandana on my head. She said, “God baby, you’ve been through so much.”, heh, yeah, what an understandment. I’ve been through TOO much. My body isn’t what it used to be, and every fucking treatment they do on me weakens me more…weakens my body more. AH well, so goes life huh?

I know some of you think I don’t care, but I DO. So don’t give up on me…..I know some of you probably have, *sighs*. OK I can’t go there today, it will just  upset me. I have lost so many friends because of my illness, they either can’t handle it, or if I don’t do what they expect of me, they get upset and leave. It hurts and I can’t do this today. I can’t handle the upset….

Ok I think WordPress has a thing where you can rate my posts, blog, comments, etc. So have at it, just be nice for pete sakes hehe.

I’m out.

7 Responses to “just some random blathering…”

  1. 1 justice4mothers
    July 20, 2009 at 12:44 am

    Ah sweetie, hang in there…hugs to you and your family!

  2. 2 tragicwolf
    July 20, 2009 at 5:26 am

    Man, I can’t even imagine how hard this chemo shit has been for you. When you write about how some of your friends have treated you during all this, I’m just .. shocked. PLEASE don’t let these people convince you that you are a bad person or friend, because you AREN’T AT ALL. Nothing could be further from the truth. No matter what you look like, how sick you get, or anything, you will still be you. You are good, and you are deserving of good things. You have a wife that clearly loves you to pieces, your family, and your friends (your TRUE friends that is) will be understanding.

    I’d just like to say that you don’t have to worry about “letting me down” or disappointing me in any way. I don’t think you’re somehow indebted to me or anything. *hugs softly* I hope things get better for you. I really do.

    • 3 D
      July 20, 2009 at 7:59 am

      Ah Tragicwolf, a lovely and thoughtful reply… Unfortunately, that’s the way it goes sometimes with illness. People just can’t take it. I went through it too and by month 3 I had maybe two people who would even be seen next to me. Then the phone calls depleted as well.
      The problem is this: an ill person inspires sympathy. Sympathy needs closure in order to remain sympathetic. In V’s case, he’s such a fighter that he keeps on holding on tight…which means he doesn’t die fast enough to keep the sympathy because for most, they really are waiting around for that grand statement (which will probably come from me to the world) of a death notice. Then they can cry and say, “oh I loved him so much….how sad.” What happens when they don’t get that closure is they start getting bored with all the illness and need and they start to fade on all levels, such as friendship, help, sympathy, care and most of all: communication. The coldest fact of ’em all is that people leave V because he doesn’t die quickly enough to satisfy the emotion they put into him. They need an ending to make their sympathy real.
      But V is strong. Stronger than anyone. That, of course doesn’t mean anything more that the fact that he endures suffering more than others…strong never means good, it only means strong.

      And my Love… as revolting as it is for you now, you have 4 weeks left and after that, you will grow back your hair (you’ll be cute as a button…actually you are now in your hairlessness) and you’ll start to feel better again.
      I love you.

      • 4 reenie53
        July 20, 2009 at 1:11 pm

        Wow, I never thought about it like that. How sad that sometimes the friends you depend on in your life, are some of the ones to bail ship.
        Keep fighting and get through this! Take care, V.
        Wishing you and your family all the best, today, tomorrow, always.

      • 5 tragicwolf
        July 22, 2009 at 1:12 am

        Hi, D. Thanks for your reply. This is Ariana from blogtalkradio; I’m not sure if you realized that or not. Anyway, it’s just totally fucked up that people would act that way and actually want V to die just so they can get some kind of closure. I don’t understand how anyone can really stop being a friend like that; it’s just nothing I could ever do or even think about doing. I’m sorry you had to go through that crap, too.

        I’ve never had cancer, so I can’t know what that’s like, but I have had a number of medical issues (and painful surgeries as a result of them) throughout my life, and there were kids and adults that ostracized me because of them, so I can relate at least somewhat.

        I completely agree with you when you say that V is incredibly strong, and he’s definitely been an inspiration to me.

  3. 6 3starjimmy
    July 20, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    No Way am I Leaving You ! I Think I make it Clear every Time We Chat,How Much I care About You.
    I’m Not going Anywhere and Looking Foward To Someday Going To a Kiss Concert With You \m/ 🙂
    I Want So Much to See You Smile….
    Much Love

  4. 7 butterflysblog
    July 20, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Hair or no hair, you are still beautiful to all of us. We are all so grateful that you keep blogging and leetting us know how you are doing. Hair can and will grow back, but your beautiful personality takes lifetimes to hone.

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