where do *I* fit in?

sadnessI feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. It seems I lose friends left and right….people tell me they care, but then when I am down and out..sick, they don’t bother to contact me to see if I am ok. They get upset with me if I can’t do the things they think I should do…it is very disheartening.

I can’t really use myspace anymore, because of what happened with that person who lied to me and hurt me so badly. I don’t feel comfortable at myspace. I signed up at Facebook and hoped to make friends with people, especially D’s friends. I wanted to fit in there, but I don’t. I have come to that realization. I just don’t fit in. I tried.  I tried being nice to people, commenting on their status messages, notes, pictures, etc., but then if I write something it goes virtually ignored.  So I guess I don’t fit in there.

Now I find I don’t fit in with my family either. My sisters never come to check on me, call me..nothing. One will only call me if she thinks I have some money to try and bum me. The other sister only calls to try to get my pain pills, Neurontin, Tramadol from me. They go out to the movies, they go out to eat, they never offer to take me, they never bring me food. It’s pretty much always been that way and I try to accept it, but somedays it just HURTS.

Then today, I got rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. Mel and her fiancee were here and I heard them talking about taking his mom out shopping today and going out to eat Mexican. Mel goes “Oh I have enough of my own money to pay for Dad and K’s food, so they should go with us!”.  K got very excited and actually I did too, first because Mel thought to invite us and secondly because we are so low on food there’s barely anything to eat here. Her fiancee says “I have to use the bathroom.”, and calls Mel in there. About five minutes later, she comes out and says “I will just take you and K next week.”  I just looked at her in disbelief–then her fiancee came in here and said “Well Mom might get upset if we invite you without like a days notice.” I was fucking stunned. I was rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. WTF?  What is it? Am I too hideous to look at because I lost my hair? Because I have the “brown circles of chemo”? Are you all ashamed to be seen with me? Or is it that I am not worth spending money on?

I feel like I don’t fit in ANYWHERE. Anywhere except these four walls of my apartment. I NEVER get to go out to dinner because I never have the money. I would LOVE to just sit in a restaurant and order food and eat there. But that isn’t going to happen I guess, because firstly I have no money to take myself and K…and two I am evidently not good enough to have someone PAY for me to eat out. To get me out of this apartment.

Fuck it, somedays I wonder why I fight so hard to stay alive when I don’t fit in ANYWHERE.

I’m out. I have to go find K something to eat and I guess tonight will be another night I go hungry…….

9 Responses to “where do *I* fit in?”

  1. 1 3starjimmy
    August 1, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Hopefully you will be Able to Return the Favor to Mel’s Fiancee Soon. I Hope that I fit in That Category of People Who don’t care about You. I thought we were developing a Good relationship,I feel Terrible thinking I’ve let You down 😦

    With me You not only gained a Friend But You added an OLDER 🙂 Brother ! Let me Know of whatever I can do, And if its whithin My Power I will help.

    • August 1, 2009 at 5:58 pm

      Jimmy, you are so not included in ANYONE that has hurt me….you’ve been there for me and I appreciate it so much…we are developing a GREAT relationship and I love you to pieces. So no worries, you are in the “good” zone.

      You can help by just being there…like you have always done. I appreciate you, and the few that DO care and show it… ❤

      • 3 tragicwolf
        August 1, 2009 at 10:12 pm

        😦 I cried when I read this entry. I’ve had people treat me like that before. I know it HURTS. *big squishy hugs* You do fit in somewhere, though. You fit in with Jimmy, me, and all the others that do continue to care about you. We all love ya bunches, and are happy to have you as a friend. 🙂

    • 4 3starjimmy
      August 2, 2009 at 8:51 am

      OOOOOPS ! :-SS I just noticed I said “I Hope that I fit”, Damn I need a Proof Reader before I send out Stuff.
      But You knew what I meant 🙂

  2. 5 D
    August 2, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Babe, as much as I know it’s the curse of the four walls and nuttin’ to do but look at them, on the other side, how many friends do we need in this life? My feeling is that we get a handful if we’re lucky and we keep those who’ve proven to be true close to our hearts. Fuck the internet and the groups and social networking sites… most of these people are hidden behind the internet muscles they flex, all masks, never real. So love who you love and take the pressure off yourself by not making yourself believe there’s more out there… sometimes we find nice friendships and most times internet relationships turn into crap.

    I have said a zillion times and it’s not even an insult to those I refer to but everyone lives in their own world. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but the truth is people are NOT thinking about you, me, Jimmy, tragic, or anyone but themselves. This is the way it is. You have expectations of a caring world that just doesn’t exist. And you know what expectation brings, don’tcha? Disappointment. The higher the the expectation, the greater the disappointment. Your words of kindness or your attention paid to someone’s ‘comment’ may well be appreciated, but in their head it’s duly noted and they probably don’t feel the need to comment back. This is just the way it is. Social sites are made up of people who frolic. Most of it isn’t serious and most people close their computers up and forget whatever happened online that day. I do. Oh, I like to write my blogs but I don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone comments back, or if I’m taken seriously or not. I just don’t care. You do. You care too much and you only end up hurting yourself. Remember, half of what happens to us is how we perceive it, and we are responsible for the degree of hurt we allow ourselves to feel. I know it’s an enormous responsibility, but we have the choice of processing the info we receive. So, we all have to make enormous efforts to NOT take everything to heart, because then we’d be depressed all the time and that wouldn’t be living.

    I love you.

  3. 6 GeoffisPure
    August 2, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Hugs V.

    D has given a lot of good wisdom here. People are inherently selfish. Especially on the internet, people directly control what they want to see/view. And lets be blunt, people like to see/view what makes them feel good. Sadly, you have been shat on so many times that you come to expect it, and it perhaps even become self-fulfilling.

    My advice is not to expect people to behave in a certain way – because as D says, it is basically putting your happiness in someone elses hands. But try and appreciate it when someone does behave the way you like.

    I’d also encourage you to try and see things from the perspective of those you feel let down by. I know this can be so difficult when your life is so hard at the moment. But as an example… I would love to be able to cheer you up, to take some of your pain so you can escape it for a while, I would love to put effort into making you happy…. but it is frustrating when there really does seem to be nothing I can do. I’m sure many of your friends feel the same way.

    I’ve noticed you haven’t been online much recently… I hope I haven’t said/done anything to offend and I hope we can catch up again soon.


    • 7 tragicwolf
      August 2, 2009 at 1:51 pm

      Hi, there. I hope you don’t mind me commenting to you, Geoff, since we really don’t know each other at all. I just wanted to comment on part of your post, where you say you don’t feel like you can do anything for V. It’s true that we can’t take away his suffering and pain completely, and it can be hard to deal with that fact, but I think the most important thing any of us can do is to let him know that we’re here listening, and that we care .. like you did in your reply to this post. 🙂 I guess what I’m trying to say is that little things like that can end up being more meaningful than we may realize, so don’t be so quick to think you can’t do enough, because what you already do can help. 🙂

  4. August 2, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    Hi V

    Just a note to say many of us care. We may not be able to show it all the time. Some times when you post it may take me a while to comment as I like to really think about what to say as I would hate to waste your time or be offensive as I have a great respect for you. I also would like to say for many of us faceless people out here on the big bad space called the net we also have struggles and hard times. I know for me I have not written much lately as I dont want to bring you down. I feel for me to show you I care is not to bring sadness or unhappiness to your day. Plus if you want I am on facebook so look me up if you would like another friend.


  5. 9 reenie53
    August 2, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Hi V,
    You are on my mind. The only reason I don’t write much is that I feel like an outsider in your world, almost like ‘what the hell is she doing here’? 🙂 Just my paranoia shining through. I hope.
    Anyways, some very insightful stuff was said above. I wish we all had the ability to shrug off negative comments or people ignoring us but it’s not always easy to do. Maybe that comes from being sensitive and a people pleaser. You wouldn’t think of hurting anybody else’s feelings so can’t understand it when somebody else acts that way. The internet is a mixed blessing. It can put us in touch with some awesome folks while also connecting us up with people who pretend like they care but really don’t. Words mean nothing sometimes but through here, it’s all we have.
    You and D have each other, a family, some wonderful friends, anybody else is just icing on the cake(if they treat ya right, if not then they don’t matter).
    Please take care of yourself V, get lots of rest and try not to let these nameless, faceless people of the internet get you down. Only pay attention to the ones that make you feel good.
    You don’t need any more stress in your life than you already have.

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