06
Aug
09

more memories of childhood…

Little warning–This may be triggering to abuse survivors…so read with caution.

 

We used to go to the country to visit Mom and Dad’s parents when I was young. We would go a few times a year. Dad’s parents lived on a farm–they treated me like crap, but I loved the farm, the barn, the horses, cows, etc. So when we would visit his parents I pretty much stayed out on the farm, hanging out quietly in the loft of the barn, I loved the peace and quiet of it all.

One day I was up in the loft of the barn and I heard my Dad and Uncle Jimmy calling for me. As you probably have read, every time I heard Dad’s voice fear swept through me. I sat quietly not answering them until I heard them getting closer to the barn. I knew if he found me and knew I intentionally didn’t answer him I would have been in trouble. So I climbed out of the loft and went to him and my uncle. My uncle said “We want to show you something.” I cautiously followed them towards the house to this big tree that had some table like things made of wood. I had never known exactly what those things were and never really cared to ask, unfortunately that day I found out what they were used for.

Dad and Uncle Jimmy had been out hunting and had killed a deer and a couple of squirrels. I was horrified to see the squirrels dead, lying on this wooden table thing. “We’re gonna teach you how to clean a squirrel, it will make a man out of you.” my Uncle said. I started to shake and back up. Dad told me to stay still, watch and learn. I started to quietly cry as my uncle cut into the poor little squirrel. I felt vomit rising up as he started to gut it. I want to run, but every time I would start to back up again, my Dad would give me the “look” and I would stop and cry a little harder.  Then Jimmy pulled out the heart of the squirrel and held it in his hand telling me to look at it. I just stared, I couldn’t say a word, I think I was in shock, because it reminded me of what happened with my puppy Frisky. Suddenly Jimmy yells out “Catch!!!” and threw the squirrel heart as hard as he could and it hit me in the face and BURST.  I didn’t even know a heart could BURST like that! Blood was all over me, the blow knocked me to the ground, dazed and terrified. Dad and Jimmy just LAUGHED at me.

I finally came to my senses and started to scream. My mother heard me and ran outside to see me on the ground with blood all over me. She knelt beside me on the ground and asked what the fuck happened and Jimmy said “Well I told him to catch it”. My mom stood up and got in his face and said “If you EVER do anything like this to my son again, I will have your balls in a jar, do you fucking understand me?”.  He just laughed again. She told Dad she was leaving,  he could stay with his stupid family if he wanted to, but we were getting in the car and going back to my Gramma and Grandpa’s house (Mom’s parents). She left Dad standing there with his stupid brother. We went to Gramma’s house and she bathed me and held me while I cried and cried. I hated Dad and my Uncle even more that day and I knew I would NEVER hurt an animal, I would NEVER hunt an animal and I would NEVER go back to that house again…..

I hate guns, I hate hunting and I hate my Dad and Uncle for doing yet another thing to fuck up my mind.

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4 Responses to “more memories of childhood…”


  1. 1 3starjimmy
    August 6, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    The idea of carving up something you watched walking a few minutes earlier, Never appealed to me . I’ve been in those situations when I was a kid, and they always said” It will make you a man”. Well that problem was all ready solved the day I was born, I don’t need to kill an inoccent animal.
    I know how hard that must have felt after all the hell he put you through. At least your mother had the good sense to take you away from them. Just sorry you had to continue living under that Man’s roof for so many years.

  2. 2 D
    August 6, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    It’s amazing how the memories keep on flooding. And it’s true, it’s a flood because the amount of tragedies is equal to that of an ocean. I know how hard it is for you to live with these memories, how they haunt your every night and how they torment your every day. I’m so sorry that you had to go through any of this, I wish it weren’t so.

    I love you.

  3. 3 butterflysblog
    August 6, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    You have a beautiful pure heart, and soul, and it shows in every part of your life that you share with us.

  4. 4 GeoffisPure
    August 7, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    Everytime I read something horrible that you had to go through makes me more proud of you as a person, because instead of letting all this horrible stuff turn you into a bad, cold, heartless person, you have stayed ‘pure’ and caring of others. Give yourself a pat on the back V.


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