Archive for the 'arthritis' Category

16
Aug
09

Life…

Well, life is just life right now. My pain is pretty bad, it seems to be getting worse. The degenerative problems with my spine are worse and my dr. thinks that something (a disc) is pushing on a nerve root in my lower back. I can’t stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time. It SUCKS. I am having what they call “occipital migraines” you can google it. It’s scary and I am not just having them occasionally, I am having 2 or 3 a DAY. I am calling my doctor in the morning so I can go see him about it. Something isn’t right, I hope we can find out what IS causing me to have them so frequently.

My Idol

My Idol

I do have to say I am on CLOUD NINE interview with my idol Ace Frehley! We seemed to get on well and he was laughing and stuff with me. When he mentioned the tour, I told him he had to come to Kentucky and he said something like “Yes and you need to be backstage”. WOOO HOOOOO! I am also talking to his awesome publicist Kymm and she is sending me the CD when it drops in September. I got to review the CD before the interview, and I listened to the whole thing and I have to say it’s AMAZING. There are a couple of surprise songs on there that I love like, “A little below the angels” and “Change the world”, “gengis khan” was also great. YOU need to pick up Anomaly when it comes out on September 15th. I am also working on getting a few other HUGE celebs in on the show. I can’t say who yet, but keep watching my tweets! 😉

I just want to say to Ace, thank you sooo much for letting me interview, for being so nice and caring. I appreciate it more than you know. Any other interview I have after this one will pale in comparison haha. Ace you are, as you always will be, my idol. YOU are the one who inspired me to play guitar, your music solo and with KISS got me through such a bad childhood…oh hell I just don’t have the words, just THANK YOU!

I’m tired now…..I’m out.

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15
Jun
09

so I am fucking PISSED!

fuck-youWell, just like I told everyone—the Disability Determination Unit turned me down AGAIN..for the third fucking time in EIGHT fucking years. I got the letter Saturday and just went into a suicidal, catatonic state. That is why I wasn’t around and wasn’t answering the phone. Today, however, I am ANGRY. I am beyond ANGRY, I am ENRAGED. I am sick to death of being pushed through the cracks of the system. It happened to me as a child when I was being abused and it’s happening to me AGAIN.

I watch people around me getting their SSI for being addicted to Oxycontin and alcohol, yet I can’t get it for having TERMINAL cancer, ESRD, being legally blind and having multi-level disc degeneration in my spine (with multiple herniations). They said my pain is “mild” and that I don’t have serious stomach problems. WTF? I have to take a SHOT to make me take a shit, so I guess that’s not a problem huh? I hurt everytime I eat or drink. I puke more times a day than you can imagine, but I guess that’s normal, right?

I have cried and cried all weekend, but today, as I said, I am PISSED. I have been on a letter/e-mail writing campaign. I have written my governor, my 2 senators, my state representative AND the fucking President himself. I know I probably won’t get help from them, but you know what? I WILL have my voice heard. FUCK the government and fuck ever voting again. My votes don’t help me, they don’t make ONE damn difference. I wrote the President because it pains me that he took more time to pick out a fucking dog for his kids than to try and help people like ME. Yeah a dog is more important than me and you.

Our government does NOT care. The Social Security Administration doesn’t care. Hell, they have their hundreds of thousands of dollars a year jobs, they have health insurance, they have homes..they don’t have to BEG for money, so why should they give a shit?

I still sit here, with NO money in my wallet, NO insurance, NOTHING. I get NOTHING but a measly 200.00 a month is fucking food stamps. Woooopie, yay me. I have problems buying essentials that those fuckers in DC take for granted, like toilet paper, soap, shampoo, cleaning supplies, FOOD, MEDICINES. I am just a number to them–no I am less than that. I am NOTHING to them and I am sick to fucking death of it. The social security disability system needs a MAJOR overhaul. If they would put some time and effort into weeding out false claims and check out the alcoholics and drug addicts who are getting it, the people who are just too lazy to work…take it away from them…give it to people like ME who are really sick. Who aren’t trying to bilk the system. If I was a sorry ass piece of shit who is too lazy to work (like my brother in law who will be getting HIS SSI by August GRRR). If I was a drug addict, an alcoholic and a LIAR I would already have it. But being an honest person who is REALLY sick, I get fucked up the ass without so much as some lube and a thank you…

FUCK YOU GOVERNMENT. Where is MY help after I’ve been an upstanding citizen who worked all my life and paid taxes? Oh fuck you.

I’m out…

02
Jun
09

more poking and prodding….

I am off to see one of my doctors (my internist)…It’s time for more poking and prodding. Every time I go, I have so much blood work it’s a wonder I am left with ANY…and they always do an arterial stick…if you have ever had one you know how painful it is. Mine are deep and they have a hard time getting to the artery…they either go for it in your wrist or groin, it fucking HURTS. Every time they do it, I sweat, shake, vomit, then faint *SIGH*, so they always leave that for the last and have me lay down to try to get it in the wrist…GOD I am shaking  just thinking about it.

I am having other problems I need to talk about with him too. I am having some intense pain under my ribs on my right side, I REALLY hope it’s not my pancreas or liver…I had my gallbladder and appendix removed when I was a teenager so I know it’s not that… 😦 I am also having some really bad pain in my lower right leg, in my shin. I hope that’s not a blood clot or P.A.D. I swear, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. My body is falling apart, slowly but surely.

I have some other things I want to blog about, but that will come when I get home, if I have then energy, if not it will be tomorrow…

Ok I gotta go, my sis is here to take me to the dr….I’m out.

17
Jan
09

sometimes i hate life…

Last night was SHIT, all I could do is cry uncontrollable , to the point of hyperventilating. Sometimes, late at night there is NO one to talk to, nothing to do but stare at the four walls in the dark. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. These new meds are making me like a zombie, I am in so much pain. I feel like I want to just die sometimes. I look around and I realize that I really don’t have much of a life. I am sick, I don’t have many offline friends, only my family and Kevin…I don’t have money so I can’t go out to dinner, which I would LOVE to do. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I have been out even to a cheap restaurant and had dinner. My little one who is 6 says to me, “Daddy, can we PLEASE go out for Mexican?” Her little meal is like 4.00, we eat for about 20.00 and I can’t even make her happy by taking her out to a place she loves– FUCK!!!  I HATE THIS!! Why can’t I just take her out?? *sighs and cries*

*SIGH* Maybe I am complaining too much, hell if I know, but DAMNIT I think I am entitled to cry, bitch and moan every now and again, aren’t I? I have been fighting this damn cancer for almost 10 years now, my lungs are going to shit, my back is breaking into a billion pieces, it’s uncomfortable no matter HOW I sit, stand or lay, every bone in my body aches. I am always so foggy headed from the medications and treatments. I have NO income yet, no money to take out my little girl, no money to even go by fucking essentials like TOILET PAPER!!! I wonder why my body keeps on going? I wonder why *I* keep going…I am so fucking frustrated right now…FUCK YOU government for doing this to me and my CHILD!

middlefinger

I’m out.

13
Jan
09

I am back…I think! ;-)

I am getting antsy so I hope blogging and DJing will cure that. I got up on Saturday I think it was and started to clean my room and the bathroom up here (I live in an apartment with two floors), and Kevin caught me and scolded me hahaha, “Get your ass back in bed NOW.” Sure, sure Kevin. I did as he told me, but I grumbled about it. I know I shouldn’t have been doing it, because I got very weird feeling in my head afterwards, but I felt like a useless nothing just sitting here in the bed on the laptop playing Pogo. I need to feel somewhat productive, hence me starting back to DJing tonight. Cross your fingers, toes, eyes, legs and anything else you can cross that it all works out ok for me tonight 😉 .

I have to see my regular doctor tomorrrow at 1:30, then I see the neurologist about my TIA (mini-stroke) on Thursday. I also file for my disability yet AGAIN on Thursday morning at 8:45 AM. Joy, joy, getting up early and going to the SSA office is NOT my ideal morning haha, but I hope I FINALLY get it. I really pray with MedAssist helping me they will push it through and I will get my SSI this time. Again, pray, cross whatever you can, light candles, whatever. HELP me manifest this SSI. I need the money and I need the Medicaid most of all.

Ok I am tired of typing. My arms hurt, I feel dizzy, gonna rest a few before my show. It’s in an hour and 15 minutes. Good luck me.

Write more later.

04
Jan
09

MRI Results, Autism And The Death Of Jett Travolta…

I AM Autistic And Proud!!

I AM Autistic And Proud!!

Oh God, how painfully sad that Jett Travolta passed away. I feel so bad for John and Kelly–I could NOT imagine having to bury one of my children, it would destroy me. People are wondering why John didn’t admit his son was autistic (he was, I am PROUDLY autistic and I know another autistic when I see them), well he didn’t admit it because his “church” (I say that loosely) the Church Of Scientology doesn’t recognize autism, so John couldn’t very well admit his son had something that his church would frown upon. He would have been marked by the “church” as a “degraded being”. They (The church) believe members can cure themselves by working harder on the church’s teachings (uh huh riiight). John says he had Kawasaki syndrome–yeah when he was TWO. The syndrome normally affects children under the age of five and only last a few days. It is highly doubtful that Jett suffered from that disease for 14 years.

I respect everyone’s beliefs, even if I don’t understand or like it. I do have a problem however, with religions who won’t allow their members to seek medical care. God gave doctors the knowledge because He intended us to USE them. I frown upon religions who push their members out because they don’t agree with one thing or the other. I had an uncle who was a Jehovah’s Witness, and I saw with my own two eyes as he turned his back on his two sons because they grew up and left the “church”. That is not religion and it surely isn’t within God’s teaching to love your fellow man, but I digress–My point of this was that if John had admitted his son had autism, he could have treated it, helped Jett, helped others. He could have put another “famous” face on autism, but he chose to ignore it. That is sad. Now don’t get me wrong, I am NOT condemning John or Kelly, it just makes me sad that a person would allow a religion to dictate their whole life. I feel HORRIBLY bad for them, my heart goes out to them and their daughter. I wish them peace and strength. I cried when I saw Jett had died, because as I said above, I can’t imagine the pain of burying your child. I feel for them.

Now onto my MRI results. When I went for the CT scan of my tummy on Friday, the lady that was doing my CT scan was SO very nice and I was asking her if it might be possible for her to get me a copy of my MRI report. She said “I can do one better, I will burn the images of your MRI and the report onto a CD for you.” Wow, how nice. I will put a few pics here so you can see my spine haha. Anyhow, the MRI shows that I DO have a herniation in the C6-C7 space of my neck (that is near the shoulder blades). My spine is also straightening where it should be curved, that is being caused by, and I quote from the report, “Massive Spasms” in my neck area *SIGH*. My pain is getting worse every day, the weakness in my left arm is so bad now, the numbness is worse. I don’t know how much more of this pain I can take. It IS the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (and that is saying something, because I have been in some major pain), the pain is CONSTANT, I get NO relief, even the narcotics aren’t helping me. They have to do something. They just have to. I called my doctor and left a message that I had the report, I am just waiting on him to call me back and I guess we will go from there.  I have to see the surgeon tomorrow for the report on the CT Scan of my tummy to see if there ARE adhesions and what we need to do. *SIGH* If it is not one thing, it’s another in my life. I am really tired of it.

Oh an update on the donations to get me into pain management. So far lovely people have sent 180.00–that means I am just 70.00 shy of my first visit. Hopefully I will get that soon, I really need it, so bad. So thank you to everyone who HAS donated so far. I appreciate it more than you can imagine. It means everything to me.

Ok I am going to shut up now, my arm hurts too bad. Write more later!

OOPS–I forgot to include my MRI images…D’oh. I blacked out my personal info, such as my SSN and things like that.

spine3spine1spine2spine4spine6

30
Dec
08

MRI’s, CT Scans and Barium….oh my!

It never ends, does it? I went this morning for my MRI of my cervical spine (neck), the lady had to put some metal bars over my face (can you say FREAK OUT). It was so hard to take, I was shaking all over and she had to get me out of the MRI tube/scanner once. We finally got through it and had some time to kill so my Mama (who drove me today) and I came back here to my apartment, had coffee and gossiped, that was nice, I love spending quality time with her. We stayed here about an hour, then went back to the hospital for my appointment with the surgeon. He checked my belly button area and said the hernia repair was fine, but he thinks I have adhesions (scar tissue) from the numerous abdominal surgeries I have had over the years. He thinks it has adhered to my small intestine and is causing a partial blockage *SIGHS*. So today I had to have my finger poked (I HATE that) for a CBC, then was sent to the lab for more blood work, then to the x-ray department to schedule a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis for Friday at 3:00 pm. I have to have an IV and have that stupid contrast dye injected into my body again, I am allergic to it, so I have to take a load of benadryl to keep me from going into shock, PLUS I have to drink two HUGE ass bottles of that white barium shit. YUCK. That stuff is SO hard to get down without vomiting. I have to have one large bottle for breakfast at 9:00 am Friday morning, then have the other bottle for lunch at 1:30, benadryl at 2:30 then the scan at 3:00. If it is an adhesion and it is blocking my small intestine then I will have to have surgery to fix that, PLUS have to have the spine surgery God knows when.

Fuck, can’t a guy get a break? If it’s not one thing, it’s two or three more happening to me. Do I NOT have enough wrong already? Christ. Someone today was telling me that the type of spine surgery I will most likely have will take 8 months or more to fully heal. FUCK, Fuckity fuck. That is NOT what I need. *SIGH*

On the UP side of things, I saw my landlady today, she is a doll and is so good to me. She told me that she WOULD have me moved into the new apartment before my surgery, thank God.  She told me she would be back to work on Monday the 5th and we would get to work on getting me moved. The apartment I am in now has an upstairs and it is just too hard for me to climb them up and down, up and down all day long. The new apartment is on the second floor yes, but it’s a ONE floor apartment, thank goodness, and it’s not like I go outside a lot. I go to my doctors appointments and to the supermarket once a month, woo hoo /end sarcasm. It will be less to clean, no stairs to climb up and down, I will be much happier and I will feel much safer. Here I don’t feel safe, I can’t sit outside on my patio, for fear of my stalker “Dad” coming up on me. I won’t have to wonder if he is stalking around outside and peeking in *shudder*, he can’t do that shit if I am on the second floor and I can FINALLY sit on my balcony at night or in the mornings with my coffee and feel safe. I won’t be a prisoner in my own home anymore. I look forward to that so much.

Ok my left arm and hand are killing me. I have to stop typing. Write more later.




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