Archive for the 'Bitching' Category

05
Aug
09

foamy rocks….

I have followed Foamy for YEARS. I love his rants and shit. This one is SO funny and SO how I feel. I have bitched about this “Fashion” shit for a long time. Especially–what I call–“gothabees”. These people who made FUN of me in school for wearing eyeliner, for being pierced, for wearing black are NOW doing it themselves to be “cool”. Oh fuck that, being GOTH is a LIFESTYLE and a state of mind, not just FASHION.

So I say, rant on with your squirrelly wrath Foamy, you crack me up!

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14
Jul
09

blah! and WOW (edited)

blahI couldn’t sleep last night, I’m tired, frustrated, sick to my stomach, yet so hungry, I have a headache, I need to clean my apartment, get ready for TWO shows this week. I am having a very special show tomorrow night about Juvenile Arthritis, so tune in for that!

Blah anyhow…I have to go now and TRY to make myself eat something, TRY to clean my apartment and TRY to get my shit done. I don’t feel like it. All I really want to do is medicate myself and go back to bed… I HATE CHEMO!

*edit*

I just went to Pogo to check on things and I went to read Ms. Netiquette’s column (I read it every week haha) And was shocked to see the letter I wrote to her there. I didn’t figure it would get published this fast, if at ALL. So I was pleasantly surprised! haha Anyhow, here is the letter and her response. Now I am gone to get my stuff done!

letter

I’m out.

15
Jun
09

so I am fucking PISSED!

fuck-youWell, just like I told everyone—the Disability Determination Unit turned me down AGAIN..for the third fucking time in EIGHT fucking years. I got the letter Saturday and just went into a suicidal, catatonic state. That is why I wasn’t around and wasn’t answering the phone. Today, however, I am ANGRY. I am beyond ANGRY, I am ENRAGED. I am sick to death of being pushed through the cracks of the system. It happened to me as a child when I was being abused and it’s happening to me AGAIN.

I watch people around me getting their SSI for being addicted to Oxycontin and alcohol, yet I can’t get it for having TERMINAL cancer, ESRD, being legally blind and having multi-level disc degeneration in my spine (with multiple herniations). They said my pain is “mild” and that I don’t have serious stomach problems. WTF? I have to take a SHOT to make me take a shit, so I guess that’s not a problem huh? I hurt everytime I eat or drink. I puke more times a day than you can imagine, but I guess that’s normal, right?

I have cried and cried all weekend, but today, as I said, I am PISSED. I have been on a letter/e-mail writing campaign. I have written my governor, my 2 senators, my state representative AND the fucking President himself. I know I probably won’t get help from them, but you know what? I WILL have my voice heard. FUCK the government and fuck ever voting again. My votes don’t help me, they don’t make ONE damn difference. I wrote the President because it pains me that he took more time to pick out a fucking dog for his kids than to try and help people like ME. Yeah a dog is more important than me and you.

Our government does NOT care. The Social Security Administration doesn’t care. Hell, they have their hundreds of thousands of dollars a year jobs, they have health insurance, they have homes..they don’t have to BEG for money, so why should they give a shit?

I still sit here, with NO money in my wallet, NO insurance, NOTHING. I get NOTHING but a measly 200.00 a month is fucking food stamps. Woooopie, yay me. I have problems buying essentials that those fuckers in DC take for granted, like toilet paper, soap, shampoo, cleaning supplies, FOOD, MEDICINES. I am just a number to them–no I am less than that. I am NOTHING to them and I am sick to fucking death of it. The social security disability system needs a MAJOR overhaul. If they would put some time and effort into weeding out false claims and check out the alcoholics and drug addicts who are getting it, the people who are just too lazy to work…take it away from them…give it to people like ME who are really sick. Who aren’t trying to bilk the system. If I was a sorry ass piece of shit who is too lazy to work (like my brother in law who will be getting HIS SSI by August GRRR). If I was a drug addict, an alcoholic and a LIAR I would already have it. But being an honest person who is REALLY sick, I get fucked up the ass without so much as some lube and a thank you…

FUCK YOU GOVERNMENT. Where is MY help after I’ve been an upstanding citizen who worked all my life and paid taxes? Oh fuck you.

I’m out…

13
May
09

32 to go…

CancerSucks1Day three of radiation and it’s already making me so fatigued and weak. The last time I did radiation it took about a week to make me feel like shit, but this time it started on day one. I have puked in the radiation room so far all three days *SIGH*. I went to bed last night at 7:30pm and slept until about 6:30 this morning. That is NOT me. I usually don’t go to bed until late and sleep about 4-6 hours. Yesterday, I did nothing, I just laid on my bed most of the day…my daughter and her boyfriend Jon brought me a subway club sandwich or I wouldn’t have even eaten yesterday.

I am sitting here doing dialysis, blood in, blood out. That wears me out too. The two combined are awful. I don’t want to end up just laying in the bed for the next 7 weeks. I want to get my station started, I have league stuff I need to do….AHHHHHH I hate this!!! I don’t know what is worse, the headaches and seizures or the radiation. They wanted me to do chemo too, GOOD GOD, there is no way I could even function if I had said yes to the chemo AGAIN. I swore the last time I did it I would never do it again…I’ve had too much chemo for any one person….no more. I don’t care what they say. If chemo is the only thing to save me then I will just go out gracefully….

I think I need more zofran for my nausea, my phenegran is not working. My doctor will write it, but I can’t afford to pay for it *le sigh*. I am so sick of this…I want my fucking disability already and my medicaid!! I need Medicaid so bad, it will not only pay for most of my meds and my dialysis supplies, but it will also pay for the pump to hook to my feeding tube that will do it slow and RIGHT. When I do it myself I do it too fast and it makes me hurt so bad I think I will die…gives me sweats, cramps that are so bad they make me curl up in a ball and cry. It will also pay for the surgery on my spine/neck to help me…my arms are getting worse because of the disc in my neck pushing on the nerve root. It’s painful and makes my arms so weak it’s hard to type, hard to pick up anything…my left hand/arm is the worst and I am left-handed…it pisses me off. If it’s not one thing, it’s another hitting me.

When are better days going to come for me? I just want a few good days in all this shit. Just a few–I don’t think that’s too much to ask, is it? I’m so frustrated, so tired…somedays I am tired of suffering and fighting for my life. It is getting harder and harder to handle. Before I could push myself, make myself do it…right now I feel I have no purpose, I am not DJing right now…I miss it. It made me feel like I had a purpose–like I was “working”. I miss working..I NEED to DJ…I need to have something to make me push myself…ah well…

Ok, I am done typing. Going to play a game or watch TV on Hulu or Joost I guess, if I can stay awake 😐 . I’m out….

BTW–If any of you bought Fuze Slenderize drinks, their is a lawsuit against them. You can file a claim HERE <–click. I love Fuze, never had the slenderize…but if any of YOU did, file your claims now.

05
May
09

in all this time online….

In all the years I have been on the internet I have never been treated as rudely as I have today. Let me tell you the story, then I will post some of the things said to me.

I am at a book swapping site and they have great members on the forums over there. I love getting involved and having fun in them. I’ve met some really awesome people there. Until today I was having a lot of fun over there…Someone posted a topic…”Do you read on the toilet”. I thought it was a funny title so I got involved. This so-called college educated person (majoring in psychology) starts coming down on ME for being germphobic. I was shocked at how rudely she has acted, considering I was only giving my thoughts and not asking for help!

Here are a few of the things said (it might get long):

My first post on the “toilet thread”–

I am a HUGE germaphobe. I am addicted (a real addiction) to hand sanitizer. I can’t imagine reading in the bathroom. I do my business and get out. And I DO wash my hands, that’s one of my BIGGEST pet peeves, someone not washing their hands after using the potty YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!

As far as fecal matter “floating around”, I watch an episode of Myth Busters (LOVE that show) and they did a test with toothbrushes, they left some in the bathroom covered with a glass and put some in the kitchen. Even the ones in the kitchen ended up with fecal matter on them from the flushing. YUCK, I was shuddering through that whole episode. I put my toothbrushes in ziploc bags and I put the LID DOWN on the toilet seat before flushing. To me it’s just common sense?

Also, all the books I receive are always wiped down with rubbing alcohol, no germs for me. I also have CML (Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia) and my immune system is NOTHING so I have to be extra careful. I open any packages with latex gloves on, clean everything then I am a happy camper hahaha.

 

Note how I did NOT ask for help, nor ask questions…This person “Kim” comes in with her response–

You know, therapy could help with that. I’m not trying to be funny, either. You shouldn’t live your life in fear.

I was stunned. I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t say I WASN’T in therapy. So I responded back to her–

Well,  first off, I didn’t take it as funny. I’ve had YEARS of therapy, unfortunately it is not going to fix me, considering the YEARS (and I mean A LOT OF YEARS) I was abused in horrific ways by my “Dad”…Sometimes therapy isn’t a cure all. If you’ve never been abused like me, you wouldn’t understand, and personally I think telling me to get therapy was a bit ….condescending considering you don’t know just how bad my abuse was….(think David Pelzer author of “A Child Called It’…. x2) OR if I was already IN therapy.

As I said in my post up there, my “Dad” did things to me to cause the fear of germs, then I got sick with leukemia and I have NO immune system left so that kicked the germphobia into overdrive…I can’t AFFORD to get sick, what may be a little cold to you can turn into pneumonia or worse for me (and HAS many times) and I end up in the hospital. It could even mean the death of me. So if being germphobic can keep me around a bit longer with my little girl, then I am a proud one.

Good night all.

I had hoped that my post was the end of that. But noooo, she comes back in!

One of the first steps to successful therapy is wanting to be “fixed”. If your therapy isn’t working, then there are things that are standing in the way, such as the wrong therapist, the wrong therapy methods or the lack of will to want to get over what happened to you and get on with a healthy life. I’m sorry that you went through the horrific things you did, but as a psychology major, I strongly feel that therapy can be a very successful tool in helping someone get their lives back on track and help them live a mentally healthy life. I’m not trying to be rude or mean, but I feel that your comments above are comments that are getting in the way of you getting better. You have to have a positive outlook towards therapy as part of one of the things that make it successful. You also need to have the type of treatment (and their are loads of different methods) for not only your personal issues, but your personality as well. And then you have to have the right therapist. One of the biggest things needed for therapy to work is a good relationship between the client and the therapist. I don’t believe in an event or a life being too damaged to get it back on the right track. I feel that with the right help and the right attitude, that anyone can turn their life around and move on from what ever it is that is pulling them down.

Like I said, I’m sorry that you had to go through something like that. No one should ever be treated that way. But I do feel that there is help out there. I hope that one day you can find that help and be able to live a healthier, happier life. You should be who you are despite what happened, not because of it.

 

Umm I didn’t see where I asked to be “fixed”. I think she was being pretentious and assuming. It ticked me off….I have some friends on there who were defending me and “Kim” comes back with this–

Yes, I have read her posts and am sorry she is dealing with that, but she said herself that her germophobia stems from abuse as a child. So the root of the problem is not the cancer, but something more complex. I understand that she is sick and needs to take other precautions, but there are also other mental issues at hand. But she herself has said that it was things her dad did that brought on this fear to begin with and the cancer only made it worse. So, having training in therapy, I feel that if she can move past her issues caused by her dad and maybe her fear of germs wouldn’t be so extreme.

Uhh HER, SHE??? I am a GUY and it’s right there in my forum signature, a friend made me a blinkie that says (I’m a boy damnit). She showed she hadn’t bothered to look at my profile or anything else. Then I got really pissed. So I responded again–

Thanks everyone for sticking up for me.  I appreciate it.

You know, I don’t have a college degree, I will admit that here and now. I would have never been a doctor, a lawyer or anything “high powered” like that, but I am intelligent, my IQ is in the genius range, I started working at the age of 15 and worked for the same company until I got sick and couldn’t work anymore. When I got sick and had to leave my job, I was making 135K a year, I had a couple hundred thousand in savings (which unfortunately all my treatments have eaten away), a paid for house, etc.  And OMGZ I did it with my  germphobia and my OCD and my PTSD and my GAD and a host of other problems caused by my abuse!!! So a degree doesn’t make you or anyone else smarter than me. And with an IQ in the genius range I’ve never thought myself any better or more intelligent that anyone else, it’s call humility, you might try a nice dose of it. I am also an accomplished musician, I’ve been playing classical piano since I was a small child. I also play pretty much any musical instrument you can lay before me, given a bit of time. So spare me the arm chair or should I say forum thread diagnosis ok?

I know my life, I know what I’ve been through, you Kim, do not. So trying to diagnose me on a forum without ever speaking to me, reading my blogs, etc.,  is a bit pretentious. You haven’t lived through my abuse, you don’t know how many different therapists I have been through and personally it’s rather RUDE to assume I want to be this way. I guess going to college gives you the right to assume huh? You know, I am done arguing. I am who I am, I am damn proud of who I am. If I can’t express myself in this thread or any other thread for that matter, without you or someone like you coming down on me, then why post here at all?

I have to say until YOUR reply to me and replies to others about me, I hadn’t met a person I didn’t enjoy talking to or even disagreeing with on this site. You didn’t know I was a GUY (even though I have it in my signature), along with other things you said, proves you weren’t even taking the time to see WHO I was, let alone what I am about. I don’t need your diagnosis and I don’t need your help. I have lived many years like this, do I like, sometimes yes, sometimes no, but I am 100% me, and that I am proud of.

I’m out of this.

I think my jaw dropped reading more of the thread. I DID have so many sticking up for me (and for length’s sake I won’t post what they said to her about me, or what she said about me to them, but she was throwing around her “college degree”). Then she came back in–

“I know what I’ve been through”

And I know what you’ve posted here, so if you don’t want others to get an insight into your life, then don’t post it on an internet forum.

“have it in my signature”

I don’t tend to look at signatures. They’re of no value to me other than decoration.

I am truly sorry for you (and anyone else who chooses to live a life of fear). I chose the career/education path I did to help people, and I find it really sad that there are still people out there who don’t want it and would rather wallow in their misery.
You obviously don’t want to change, so I won’t be “RUDE”, as you put it, any more. So with that…I hope you can manage to enjoy your life every once and a while.

Now THAT shit really pissed me off, especially her last line. How fucking disrepectful can you be? She was also saying that my friends on there were “internet users who think they know it all”. So I said “FUCK THIS, and responded to her again, because I was fuming!–

I said I was done with this, but you just really pissed me off Kim. I DO have happiness in my life. I have my 2 daughters, I have my wife, I have my friends. Again I will say this and I will cap it so maybe you will finally understand–YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!!

Yeah I have my fears, but unless you’ve been as abused as I am/was STFU!! Stop acting so superior to everyone, it makes me puke in my mouth a little. You aren’t any better than anyone else, so get off your college degree high horse. You don’t care if I live in fear, if I am germphobic or even if I die, you only care about coming in here and slinging around your “education”, well you are slinging it on someone who doesn’t want it…

And who the **** are you to tell me that I shouldn’t post things on a forum or any where else I damn well please? I post things about my abuse, Autism, etc,, to let others know that they aren’t alone in this world. I do it for GOOD reasons. I don’t come down on people and act like I am better or more educated than they are. Are you sure YOU aren’t a bit insecure, or is it narcissistic? Seems that people who have to throw around how educated they are, how good they are at one thing or another are insecure themselves…that, of course, is just IMHO. *Rolls my eyes* I will say it again, I was happy with this site and this forum until you and you pretentiousness came along. You don’t know me, you don’t live my life, you don’t know how sick I am and you DAMN sure don’t know how abused I was, so please, again, just shut up and leave ME alone. Go analyze someone else. Kim you had no intentions of “helping” me, you only want to talk about how “educated” and “smart” and “better than everyone” you are. Do it with someone else, not me. I don’t want nor need your kind of attacks encouragement! I get support and kindness (you do know what that is don’t you?) from other users on here.

BTW, all internet users are people just like you

My friends on there came to my defense behind what I wrote, and I just saw where “Kim” typed this to them–

You guys crack me up. Getting pissed off because someone made a suggestion to someone else. Thanks for adding a laugh to my day.

 

Now you can see how fucking condescending this bitch is. Laughing about it? DOES SHE THINK my pain is funny???? I am sure this thread will keep going, whether I get involved or not I don’t know. I am just so upset that I would be treated so rudely and so cruelly by someone who doesn’t even KNOW a thing about me other than that first post in the “toilet thread”.

FUCK you Kim. You can take you and your “holier than thou, I’m smarter than you” attitude , your college degree , (err just found out she doesn’t HAVE a degree, she’s STILL in school haha) and your pretentiousness and shove them up your ridiculous ass sideways.

I’m out.

05
May
09

bullfuckingshit!!!

I do NOT like “Blocked” calls at 4:16 AM!!!! My phone isn’t by my bed, so I have to fling off the covers, and try to run to get the phone…doesn’t work well. And to get there when the answering machine picks up and whoever called hangs up pisses me off because they DELIBERATELY blocked their fucking number!! I HATE THAT and it SCARES me so don’t fucking do it. If it’s THAT important to call and wake MY ass up at almost 4:30 in the morning, fucking leave a message or UNBLOCK your damn phone number so I can fucking call you the fuckity fuck back!!!

Now I am scared it was either my “Dad” or someone in my family is hurt or sick or something….GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Don’t do this to someone like me, it leaves me FULL of anxiety.

FUCK, now let’s see if I can go back to sleep, of course after I make the rounds of the apartment, make sure no one is in the parking lot, TRIPLE check my door locks…and look out my bedroom window. Yeah, this is what happens to people who have been terribly abused, you call us, you decide not to leave a message AND you block your call, we freak the fuck out! NOT FAIR!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!! *SIGHS*

01
May
09

oh god….someone kill me. please?

fuck-youI don’t understand….I don’t understand why someone would steal my pain medications, knowing the pain I am in and knowing it will put me in horrible withdrawals like right now. I am dying in pain, I can’t sleep, I can’t get my body comfortable…I’m beyond frustrated to the point of pacing and hitting my head against the wall just to feel alive. GOD…PLEASE! I am so tired….*cries* I am so tired..i just want to sleep. WHY why would someone steal my  meds? AND WHY wouldn’t wal-mart fill my NEW script the doctor wrote me????? fucking assholes…they don’t care!! How could you look at someone with cancer, someone in fucking pain and not fill a script?!?!?! Now I am here in withdrawals…can’t get my body to get still long enough to fall asleep, I have taken THREE 50 mg phenegran trying to knock myself out and that isn’t even working…I’m so groggy i can barely type..i can barely walk..but i can’t fucking sleep. THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!! I try so hard to be good…but i must be bad for this kind of shit to keep happening to me…if it’s not one thing it’s something else slapping me in the fucking face. I HATE HUMANITY,  most of humanity SUCK, so many selfish, uncaring fucks in the world…I will never understand it. I will never understand first why someone would steal a sick man’s pain medication…and i will never get why the assholes wouldnt fill a brand new script written by my fucking doctor. NOOOOO they would rather watch me suffer……..FUCK YOU whoever took my meds AND FUCK YOU WAL-MART for not helping me. I wish you could walk a mile in my shoes, you couldn’t I am sure no one could…no one could stand it….FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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