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Part II

This is part II to last night’s post HERE . Last night, exposing myself and one of my “secrets” was painful, so I had to stop writing. I want say a few more things…so here is the second part.

So yes, I touched on Michael having BDD, being OCD, being sexually and physically abused. But what I didn’t quite touch on was his evident eating disorder and drug abuse. You see…most abused children grow up with major mental issues. And a lot of the issues revolve around CONTROL. When we are kids, when we are ABUSED kids, we feel ourselves spiraling out of control. We are at the mercy of our abuser(s) and as we grow up, we feel the INTENSE need to CONTROL our own lives. In my life I controlled my world by controlling the pain by cutting and scarring. I was addicted to heroin, but I used most any drug you can name, anything to kill the pain. I tried to kill myself more times than I want to admit, I was SO self destructive…Michael controlled his pain by changing his appearance, anorexia (he weighed about 108 pounds at the time of his death) and abuse of prescription drugs.

Self medicating is common among abuse survivors, I think with Michael he got injured…he was given pain meds and he realized that maybe “Hey, if I take this (insert drug here, demerol, oxycontin, etc.) I feel numb and foggy and I don’t care.” I mean look at footage of him at his trial, most times his security had to hold him up, he was very frail and very disoriented…

And now, unfortunately HIS abuser is trying to gain custody of his children. How fucking scary. Will he abuse those kids and cause another generation of body dsymorphic, anorexic, prescription drug abusers who die before their time? I HOPE to God there was a will and Joe and Katherine don’t get these kids. I think Katherine loved her son, BUT she allowed Joe to abuse him and the other kids…she’s an ENABLER..she didn’t save her son(s) from abuse, so she is as guilty for Michael’s life (and death) as Joe is.

You know…I have to say FUCK YOU to the abusers of the world. You fuck us up and you leave us to slowly kill ourselves, while you go on with your life like nothing is wrong (can you say Joe Jackson CNN interviews anyone?) YOU FUCK US UP, YOU RUIN US!!!  I pray those kids aren’t left with Michael’s mom and dad….

Ok enough pain for today. I have a doctors appointment and I have to go shower.

I’m out.


from one abused child to another…to another…….

I’ve been in a heavy state of thinking all weekend…I had something happen to me, which I don’t think I am ready to say to the public just yet, but it made me realize a few things…

I now know what was wrong with Michael Jackson. Everyone always saying he had plastic surgery to “look like Diana Ross”…to “look like his sisters”….”Because he didn’t want to look like his father.” Well, I know now why he did what he did. He had Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Body Dsymorphic Disorder is a serious illness. I was diagnosed with it when I was young. Symptoms are having a problem with the way you look, being preoccupied with imaginary flaws…usually of the hair, skin, nose, facial lines, etc. Having a lot of anxiety over ones looks…getting cosmetic surgery, spending too much time focusing on the “flaws”, excessive grooming, suicidal thoughts, social phobias, shy, neurotic…you get the picture..

Most people with BDD think they are “ugly” or that people will be mean to them because of the imagined flaws. With me, I hated being PRETTY. I felt my looks caused my abuse and I dreamed of ways to ruin myself so I would be considered “untouchable” and the abuse would stop. I still think of cutting up my face to ruin it…..some days it’s hard to get through with out doing it. So I cut other parts of my body…

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is considered an Obsessive Compusive Disorder, which I was also diagnosed with at a young age. I am sure Michael was OCD…

Over 75% of people with BDD (mild or severe) report being abused as children.

In my case, I cut, I scar…I have fantasies of cutting my face up so I will be “ugly” to people and they won’t abuse me anymore. I think for Michael he wanted to be anything but the boy who was abused, who was pushed to be perfect…I also think Michael was sexually abuse…I KNOW he was. I feel it…as someone who is a survivor.

After seeing Joe Jackson’s interview it really hit me just how much of an asshole he is. I mean we ALL know he abused Michael, he admitted it himself…but do we really know HOW far it went? I think it went further than anyone can imagine and I HOPE one day, one of the kids speaks out…I hope they free themselves of the secrets in that family.

No matter what YOU think of Michael Jackson, if you think of the life he led, the way he was put out there to perform (IN PERFECTION) at such a young age, the way the boys were beaten by their father if they weren’t perfect…you have to feel bad for Michael. Again, I came to a lot of realizations this weekend that I just can’t discuss right now, but I feel a kin-ship with Michael now…I feel bad for him and I am sorry he died such a tragic death and now his leech of a father is going to use his death to try and make more money for himself. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if the bastard tired to sell autospy photos of his SON…

Ok I am a bit upset right now, I just exposed some stuff about myself that was extremely difficult. I need to go spend time with my wife and feel better…..

Please, don’t be spouting mean things on this post, it will just piss me off. If you can’t say anything nice right now about M.J. just don’t say anything at all.


cancer takes another one…

farrahFarrah Fawcett has died. She passed away this morning at St. John’s Medical Center in LA at 9:28am with Ryan O’Neal and Alana Stewart by her side…She fought for three years against anal cancer and it had spread to her liver. She really WAS a fighter, fighting this monster until the very end.  I know she and Ryan were suppose to marry, but I hadn’t heard if they got to before she passed on or not…

No matter what you thought of Farrah, she was a class act when it came to battling her cancer…God bless you Farrah, no more more pain.

For all of us who are battling cancer, won’t you please click the “Stand Up To Cancer” flash banner over there —-> on the right and help support cancer research? It’s FREE, all you have to do is watch a video preview and click the “next” button. You can also leave me a comment…do it, once a day and help those of us that are fighting and dying with cancer.


my talk show tonight! (please read)

Tonight at 6:00pm Eastern time I will be having my talk show. Tonight’s subject is Child Abuse And It’s Affect On Adult Survivors. You can join the chat and listen to the show by going to my show page HERE.

I would love for you to call in and talk with me about your experiences OR to ask me questions about my abuse, my blog, etc. The number to call in is : (646) 716-9673 , that is a permanent number for my show so you can always use it when I am on the air.

Tonight’s show is very important to me and I hope it will be to you. I want to hear your experiences, your thoughts.  Even if you aren’t a survivor/victim and you advocate or have strong opinions on this issue please call in!

I also have an official website for my show. I am working on the layout and content now and when it is ready to be unveiled I will give you all the link. I plan on having a forum for survivors there, a safe place we can all talk privately. Again, I will let you know when I launch it! 🙂

Hope to see you all at my show in just a few short hours!



Just a quickie..

I started a new blog for my talk show. The link to it is -> Mad As A Hatter. So if there’s anything you want to know such as when the next show is, what’s coming up, any special guests, etc., please blog roll or bookmark the blog! 🙂 If you would like me to add you to the blog roll at the show blog, just post a comment over there and I would be glad to add it!

I am weak and tired this weekend, resting a lot and watching TV with K. I am in a lot of pain and it’s hard to sit up for a long time and it’s also hard to get around. So this weekend is definitely a BLOB weekend. I hope you all are doing well!

If anyone needs to talk to me, leave me an offline or call me. 🙂

I’m out…


Reminder :-)

My first talk show is tonight at 6:00pm Eastern/3:00pm Pacific. I didn’t choose a topic to talk about because this show is basically just about getting my feet wet, learning the controls and things like that. So whatever you all want to discuss we will talk about. 🙂 Once I get into the groove I will have specific topics for the shows, and hopefully some awesome surprises!

Just go to my show page Mad As A Hatter to tune in. I will have the chatroom opened about 15 minutes before the show starts. Once you are at my page the blue player at the top SHOULD start automatically (once my show is on air) so you can listen and if you scroll down the page just a teeny bit, the chat should be there. I am crossing my fingers that it all works like it should hahaha.

Make an account there (it’s free) and fave my show AND friend me! Hope to see you all there and TALKING to me. You can also chat in the chat room with anyone else there AND with me. 🙂

See ya there.


my first talk show is scheduled…

Call IN!

Call IN!

Ok, I jumped in feet first and set a time for my first show. It’s tomorrow evening at 6:00 PM Eastern, 3:00 PM Pacific, if you are from another country, you will have to figure out the time, I SUCK at that hahaha.

 I really want you guys to tune in and TALK. It won’t be much of a talk show if I am the only one talking, plus I have a hard time doing ALL the talking, I need people to chatter with me. You can use the call in number if you are from the NY area OR have unlimited long distance like I do OR you can use the “Click To Talk” button on my shows page and talk using your mic and headset! The number for my shows is (646) 716-9673. The number is a permanent number for my shows so if you want to save it, please do. IF you use your cellphone and want to call, then I would suggest adding the number to your “top 5” if you have a plan like that, so you don’t get charged for calling in and talking. 🙂

There is also a dedicated chatroom that will show up on my page about 15 minutes before each show. You can log in there and chat away. If you are too shy to call (PLEASE CALL HAHA) you can ask me questions from the chat room and I will answer them, you can also voice your opinions there and we can discuss those too!

I am psyched and hope this works out and I can make this a regular thing I do at least once or twice a week. If any of you can come up with topics for the shows, please let me know!!

Tomorrow night’s topic is “What happened in YOUR world today?”. I just made it to “get our feet wet”, learn the chatroom, and so I can learn the controls and switchboard haha. I have some other shows in mind, some fun, some more serious…I will also be scheduling an “In Bed With D and V” show SOON, so watch for that one. Good Lord, you never know what we will talk about or what will happen haha.  I am also looking for co-hosts for my show! If you want to possibly be a regular with me on my shows, let me know and we will see how we mesh! 🙂

Ok I am out, I have to go to an appointment for the Social Security Office, with “their” appointed doctor. Which I think is BULLSHIT, but evidently MY evidence wasn’t enough for them *le sigh*. So I get to be pushed, poked and prodded….all that after radiation and dialysis this morning. Needless to say I will be worn out later. Wish me luck, or is it unluck that I fail? *giggle*

I’m out…

P.S.– For those who asked, you CAN promote my shows and I would SO appreciate it. You can go to my shows page and look to the right, scroll down a little and you will see “Promote This Show”. You can get buttons and widgets, put them on your websites, facebook, myspace, anywhere! 🙂 THANK you so much! - The internets fastest growing blog directory

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