Archive for the 'family' Category

16
Sep
09

the most awesome thing!!

Ace Frehley has made my little girl K his number one fan!!  Let me go back for a second.

ace1Ace sent me his new album Anomaly about 2 weeks early (before it was released to the public). Well me and my girls have listened to it over and over, it’s amazing! Part of the CD is a “pyramid” you can make from the insert, so this past Sunday K asked me if we could finally build it. We did and she asked me if we could take a picture of her with the Anomaly CD, packaging and the “Pyramid”. We took the pic and she asked me if I could send it to Kymm (Ace’s publicist) and to Ace himself. So sure, I sent it to Kymm and Ace, I figured they would both get a kick out of it. Soooo….

Yesterday I got an email from Kymm saying that Ace has made K his number ONE fan and to go check out his website. I was puzzled and curious. I went to his site and I have to say I burst into tears. There was my little girl’s face and Ace was using her picture (Which he added cool fonts and things too) to sell his CD which came out yesterday! K is on top of the world and feels like a princess. She’s happier than I’ve ever seen her! So you can check it out, make sure you have pop ups enabled, and see her there! 🙂 go to Ace’s Official Site

Thank you, Ace, for making my little girl SO happy, for being so good to us as a family, for everything. We can’t wait to meet you on the road! I hope K’s sweet little face sells you MILLIONS of CD’s!! GO now, and buy ANOMALY, it’s amazing! Ace is back and he told you so! 😉

Also thanks to Kymm for being super sweet and caring!!

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07
Sep
09

today…such sadness

I know I didn’t write about this when it happened, but today we bury a beautiful little girl *SIGH*. Let me back up and tell you what happened.

Tasha was sleeping on her Mom’s bed, her mom was out of the room for about 5 minutes, evidently in that time Tasha woke up, crawled to the window to look out, must have fallen and got caught between the bed and the wall and suffocated *SIGH*.

She was my daughter’s fiancee’s niece and my daughter and her fiancee were pretty much raising her, so we are ALL grieving and heartbroken. It just goes to show you how fragile life is, and how fast we can lose someone we love.

Tasha was such a happy baby, so full of life, so beautiful and ALWAYS smiled. She was just 16 days shy of her first birthday when she passed away. How UNFAIR is that?!?! She never got to live her life, she never got to have a birthday….I will never understand why a baby has to die. It hurts so much, it hurts when you hear of ANY child dying, but when it’s one your close to, it rips your heart out of your body.

I am tearful and sad, heartbroken. And the viewing/wake is at 5:00pm today. I DREAD seeing her in her little casket, in her little cream colored dress they picked out for her. She will look like a sleeping angel I just know it.

Ok, I have to go, I have my 7 year old in the shower, then I have to shower and get ready…. 😦 I DREAD THIS. God, why?

R.I.P. baby girl….you are with the Angels now. You will not be forgotten.

tasha

 

30
Aug
09

Today…

HappyBirthday_Peaceful_LavenderToday is my daughter Mel’s birthday. It’s SO hard to believe that she is 20 today. The same age I was when she was born. I have raised her, watched her grow and now….she’s not a teen anymore, she’s a grown woman and my heart does kind of ache. I miss our “dates” when she was little. Every Saturday night, I would turn off my pager and cellphone, no work, no distractions, nothing but me and my Mel. She would pick a place to eat and we would go out on our “date”. I remember holding her tiny hand in mine…oh man I am going to cry. I wouldn’t change anything in our life together. Sure it was hard raising her alone from birth…but I KNOW I did a damn good job. She is loving, kind, intelligent, empathetic, proud, outspoken about things she believes in. I am SO proud of her. She’s a beautiful young woman now *le sigh*.

I love you baby. From the day you were born I was IN love with you. I have watched you grow, go through trying times and come out the strong and beautiful woman you are today. You will always be Daddy’s girl……*SIGH* Happy Birthday honey!

I will post pictures later. 🙂

09
Aug
09

two in one post…….

Today I have 2 anniversaries–

I lost my Papa 35 years ago today, but the pain of losing him has never lessened. I always ache for him, I always miss him and I always wonder what my life would have been like if he wasn’t taken away from me. For years I was angry at him for leaving me, now I just feel a void inside, and a piece of my heart died with him. HIS piece of my heart. Papa, I miss you terribly bad, I really wish you were here, I need you so much, especially right now. One day, I will see you again and I can’t wait for one of those amazing hugs you used to give me….I love you, my Papa. FOREVER.

missyou

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is mine and D’s 3rd anniversary. We are starting on year four together. D–I love you and I always will. Nothing could change that. You are imprinted on my heart and my soul. I know I am not quite the man you married, and I am sorry for that. Cancer has taken it’s toll on me. I am not the pretty, long haired boy you fell in love with. Sometimes I feel like a shell of that….but cancer hasn’t changed my love for you. Nothing could change it…it only grows. I don’t know what else to say, except Happy Anniversary and I love you…..

anniversary-love-you-more

01
Aug
09

where do *I* fit in?

sadnessI feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. It seems I lose friends left and right….people tell me they care, but then when I am down and out..sick, they don’t bother to contact me to see if I am ok. They get upset with me if I can’t do the things they think I should do…it is very disheartening.

I can’t really use myspace anymore, because of what happened with that person who lied to me and hurt me so badly. I don’t feel comfortable at myspace. I signed up at Facebook and hoped to make friends with people, especially D’s friends. I wanted to fit in there, but I don’t. I have come to that realization. I just don’t fit in. I tried.  I tried being nice to people, commenting on their status messages, notes, pictures, etc., but then if I write something it goes virtually ignored.  So I guess I don’t fit in there.

Now I find I don’t fit in with my family either. My sisters never come to check on me, call me..nothing. One will only call me if she thinks I have some money to try and bum me. The other sister only calls to try to get my pain pills, Neurontin, Tramadol from me. They go out to the movies, they go out to eat, they never offer to take me, they never bring me food. It’s pretty much always been that way and I try to accept it, but somedays it just HURTS.

Then today, I got rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. Mel and her fiancee were here and I heard them talking about taking his mom out shopping today and going out to eat Mexican. Mel goes “Oh I have enough of my own money to pay for Dad and K’s food, so they should go with us!”.  K got very excited and actually I did too, first because Mel thought to invite us and secondly because we are so low on food there’s barely anything to eat here. Her fiancee says “I have to use the bathroom.”, and calls Mel in there. About five minutes later, she comes out and says “I will just take you and K next week.”  I just looked at her in disbelief–then her fiancee came in here and said “Well Mom might get upset if we invite you without like a days notice.” I was fucking stunned. I was rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. WTF?  What is it? Am I too hideous to look at because I lost my hair? Because I have the “brown circles of chemo”? Are you all ashamed to be seen with me? Or is it that I am not worth spending money on?

I feel like I don’t fit in ANYWHERE. Anywhere except these four walls of my apartment. I NEVER get to go out to dinner because I never have the money. I would LOVE to just sit in a restaurant and order food and eat there. But that isn’t going to happen I guess, because firstly I have no money to take myself and K…and two I am evidently not good enough to have someone PAY for me to eat out. To get me out of this apartment.

Fuck it, somedays I wonder why I fight so hard to stay alive when I don’t fit in ANYWHERE.

I’m out. I have to go find K something to eat and I guess tonight will be another night I go hungry…….

06
Jun
09

redneck barbeques, talk shows and pain…oh my!!!

**I edited out the URL so “Dad” can’t find me through my talk show…please email me at murderous.thoughts@ymail.com and I will send you the link to the site!**

OK so first off my official website for my talk show is up… go to *email me for the site URL* 🙂 and check it out. I put a forum up and it’s not just for the show. I have also added threads for autistics and abuse survivors. The forum for the abuse survivors is private and password protected, so if you want to join that one so we can all talk in a private, loving place then email me for the password. 🙂  I’m really hoping the forum does well, I think it would be a great place to socialize, chit chat and of course as survivors talk in the private forum in safety–so go join up, post in the “Introduce Yourself” forum and let’s have some fun there!

Now…it’s an OMG moment. My daughter is dating a REALLY nice guy, he’s stylish, clean, loves her to pieces, is helpful to me and I really love him to pieces. So today is his mother’s birthday (I hadn’t ever met her before) and they invited myself and K over for a cookout and for K to swim with John’s (Mel’s b/f) nieces and nephews. I made her a homemade chocolate cake with buttercream frosting (wore myself out) and Mel came to pick us up. All I can say is—> 😐 It was honestly redneck central, I mean the one tooth in your head kind of rednecks (now I am not racist so don’t give me shit)–they were loud, around their house looked like the typical dirty yard–non-working vehicles, old appliances, the works. Needless to say that is SO not me. I am obsessively clean–so the whole time I was sitting there I was biting my lip, trying to keep myself from getting up and CLEANING the yard. His Mom was nice, but she drank WAY too much for me. She broke out the Mad Dog 20/20 first…tried to get me to drink with her, I nicely said “No thank you”. Then she brings out the Miller Lite Beer…again she tried to make me drink with her–I declined again. THEN she brings out the Southen Comfort  😐 of course I turned that one down too “Sorry, I can’t drink I am on heavy medications.” THEN her brother (The one that admitted to me he only has 2 teeth in his head haha) comes out in swim trunks with this big belly hanging out…a long beard and scraggly hair…and says to John’s mother “Girl you need to start brushing your teeth or you are gonna be like me”…uhh…I was overwhelmed and freaked out, I had to shut down and go into my own world for a bit–THANK God for my Autism! Mel noticed I was shutting down so she brought out the cake–she blew out her candles and THANK GOD we got to go home. The first thing I did was put K in the shower, get her clean then I got in HAHA. I am sooooo exhausted and overwhelmed by this day that I feel like I am in a semi-coma or something. I don’t socialize well as it is, but to be around that was just too much for my poor system. I am far too delicate for that LMAO.

Ok, this week my talk show is Thursday night at 9:00pm Eastern (My permanent day and time slot)…and my special guest is none other than my wife D, the original Frank ‘N Furter from the 8th Street Playhouse in NYC. She is responsible for helping to get the whole “cult” of Rocky Horror Picture Show started. She is going to talk about her experiences as Frank, with the whole Rocky Horror Experience AND her upcoming CD that will be out on i-tunes and Amazon this month!! She will be taking your calls and we will also have call ins from other 8th Street Playhouse people! This will be a VERY fun show, so I hope you all will tune in for the fun!

Ok, I am worn out–I have to go get K off my laptop (She’s playing at www.freerealms.com ) and get her teeth brushed and in the bed, then I am going to lay and rest. I sure need it.

25
May
09

good days…

SmilesMy good days are few and far between, but this weekend has been GOOD. I’ve smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time. My tummy is full and my mental state feels somewhat ok…somewhat ok for me, is actually really good.

My oldest daughter Mel came to see me and K today. We were watching old Saturday Night Live footage of Adam Sandler, John Belushi, etc. I had one girl on each side of me here on the bed, both being affectionate and we were all laughing. It felt GOOD. It’s nice to have a good time, rather than being depressed and crying, which I do everyday…

I feel sometimes that not enough GOOD things happen to me. I struggle every day with money worries, memories of my abuse, “Dad’s” sick phone calls. But then sometimes, if I wish hard enough and God is willing, an angel will fall from the sky 😉 and I smile and it’s good.

Today…..is good. God let it stay good, let me fall asleep peacefully with a small grin on my face.




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