Archive for the 'love' Category

30
Aug
09

Today…

HappyBirthday_Peaceful_LavenderToday is my daughter Mel’s birthday. It’s SO hard to believe that she is 20 today. The same age I was when she was born. I have raised her, watched her grow and now….she’s not a teen anymore, she’s a grown woman and my heart does kind of ache. I miss our “dates” when she was little. Every Saturday night, I would turn off my pager and cellphone, no work, no distractions, nothing but me and my Mel. She would pick a place to eat and we would go out on our “date”. I remember holding her tiny hand in mine…oh man I am going to cry. I wouldn’t change anything in our life together. Sure it was hard raising her alone from birth…but I KNOW I did a damn good job. She is loving, kind, intelligent, empathetic, proud, outspoken about things she believes in. I am SO proud of her. She’s a beautiful young woman now *le sigh*.

I love you baby. From the day you were born I was IN love with you. I have watched you grow, go through trying times and come out the strong and beautiful woman you are today. You will always be Daddy’s girl……*SIGH* Happy Birthday honey!

I will post pictures later. 🙂

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09
Aug
09

two in one post…….

Today I have 2 anniversaries–

I lost my Papa 35 years ago today, but the pain of losing him has never lessened. I always ache for him, I always miss him and I always wonder what my life would have been like if he wasn’t taken away from me. For years I was angry at him for leaving me, now I just feel a void inside, and a piece of my heart died with him. HIS piece of my heart. Papa, I miss you terribly bad, I really wish you were here, I need you so much, especially right now. One day, I will see you again and I can’t wait for one of those amazing hugs you used to give me….I love you, my Papa. FOREVER.

missyou

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is mine and D’s 3rd anniversary. We are starting on year four together. D–I love you and I always will. Nothing could change that. You are imprinted on my heart and my soul. I know I am not quite the man you married, and I am sorry for that. Cancer has taken it’s toll on me. I am not the pretty, long haired boy you fell in love with. Sometimes I feel like a shell of that….but cancer hasn’t changed my love for you. Nothing could change it…it only grows. I don’t know what else to say, except Happy Anniversary and I love you…..

anniversary-love-you-more

07
Jul
09

heart wrenching…

Well, I just got finished watching the MJ memorial a little while ago…I had some tears, but when Marlon spoke (by the way I LOVED that the boys were wearing the glove), I cried..I really cried. Then when Michael’s beautiful little girl spoke about her Daddy, I lost it. She was so heart broken–yet at the one moment she redeemed her Daddy, she let the world know he was a GOOD DADDY.  It also touched me because of my own daughter, who was watching with me…I know one day she will be in the shoes of Michael’s kids..*sigh* Ok enough of that, I can’t cry anymore, I will start up a horrid headache…

Anyhow, I am glad they are finally laying him to rest, geez it’s been almost 2 weeks, it’s time to bury him…

Ok I am not feeling so hot today…damn chemo PLUS really bad pain, I can barely move…I am going to just chill here on the bed.

R.I.P. MJ 🙂 In your brother Marlon’s words–“Maybe now Michael, they will leave you alone.”……..

20
Jun
09

cancer steals another life…

colbyI am crying so hard for this child right now…actually for any child who has cancer. CANCER SUCKS and no child should have to suffer and die with it. As I wrote before…I know there’s a cure for cancer, but cancer is a money maker for the pharmaceutical companies so they aren’t going to give it up. I know in my heart there’s a cure and they let these children suffer and DIE. Yeah I’ve got cancer too, yeah it robbed me of my adult life, but I AM an adult, I have at least got to live a bit of life, Colby and other kids like her never will. God I am so angry this morning….

Read the link for the story—-> http://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/entertainment/Girls-Last-Wish-Fulfilled-Pixars-Up.html

And check out this poignant video that this guy (who looks like he might be a teenager) made for Colby’s parents. He’s pretty damn talented. If you don’t cry for this child, you have no heart…like the pharmaceutical companies…

God bless you Colby, you are a beautiful angel now…and God be with her parents, I can’t imagine what they are feeling right now. *SIGH*. Also I have to say God bless Pixar for making Colby’s wish come true. 

28
May
09

Reminder :-)

My first talk show is tonight at 6:00pm Eastern/3:00pm Pacific. I didn’t choose a topic to talk about because this show is basically just about getting my feet wet, learning the controls and things like that. So whatever you all want to discuss we will talk about. 🙂 Once I get into the groove I will have specific topics for the shows, and hopefully some awesome surprises!

Just go to my show page Mad As A Hatter to tune in. I will have the chatroom opened about 15 minutes before the show starts. Once you are at my page the blue player at the top SHOULD start automatically (once my show is on air) so you can listen and if you scroll down the page just a teeny bit, the chat should be there. I am crossing my fingers that it all works like it should hahaha.

Make an account there (it’s free) and fave my show AND friend me! Hope to see you all there and TALKING to me. You can also chat in the chat room with anyone else there AND with me. 🙂

See ya there.

25
May
09

good days…

SmilesMy good days are few and far between, but this weekend has been GOOD. I’ve smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time. My tummy is full and my mental state feels somewhat ok…somewhat ok for me, is actually really good.

My oldest daughter Mel came to see me and K today. We were watching old Saturday Night Live footage of Adam Sandler, John Belushi, etc. I had one girl on each side of me here on the bed, both being affectionate and we were all laughing. It felt GOOD. It’s nice to have a good time, rather than being depressed and crying, which I do everyday…

I feel sometimes that not enough GOOD things happen to me. I struggle every day with money worries, memories of my abuse, “Dad’s” sick phone calls. But then sometimes, if I wish hard enough and God is willing, an angel will fall from the sky 😉 and I smile and it’s good.

Today…..is good. God let it stay good, let me fall asleep peacefully with a small grin on my face.

21
May
09

For D…

This post is for my lovely wife D…this is another one of our early songs…It came on my playlist a few minutes ago and I felt the need to put it on here for her to always have to see, even when I am gone. I love you honey…




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