Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

17
Aug
09

Hilary’s rant….

I have another blog I am going to do later, but I just wanted to address this issue really quick.

The student asked her about BILL’s opinion, not hers. Frankly, I don’t blame her.  She IS Secretary Of State, not her husband. She was also in a country which puts women lower than men AND I am SURE this question would not have been asked if she were a man–“So Mr. (insert male politican’s name here), how does your wife, mistress feel about…”. 

 So I agree with what she said and HOW she said it. I wish the media would just let this issue go already. She was entirely in the right to say what she did.

What do you all think? Discuss…..

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12
Jul
09

just please understand! :-(

You know what? If you REALLY care about me and how I am, why not write me now and then to ask? Email me, IM me, CALL ME?!?!?!  It hurts me when people say they care, yet they never bother to talk to ME about how I am feeling? And to let my friends know…I am not HIDING from anyone. If I am not showing online to you, then I am not showing online to ANYONE, I am OFFLINE, probably resting. If I DO answer you but I am invisible, it simply means I am NOT staying online, but I am checking my IM’s to see if any of you have sent me one. I want ALL my friends to know that I do care, it’s not that I am ignoring ANY  ONE of you. I’ve got people coming from all directions, wondering why I don’t “hang out” with them, “IM with them”..etc. *SIGH* I’m TRYING the best I can, please understand!

This chemo is REALLY getting to  me. Everyone is different and everyone reacts to treatments differently. Some can go about their lives like they aren’t going through anything, others get SICK and I mean SICK. I have so much pain in my body right now, that even my CLOTHES touching my skin hurts. I can’t sleep with covers over me at night because it HURTS. Even my fucking hair hurts (which I will probably start to lose in another week or two). I’m sorry if I can’t do the things expected of me…or if I let people down. When I hurt this much, I feel anti-social. I don’t want to hang around in a chat room full of people, where I have to act like I am A-OK, and everything is freakin’ peachy. It’s NOT. It’s nothing against ANYONE, it’s just how I am feeling right now. I am just in a lot of pain, throwing my guts up so much I am bursting blood vessels in my eyes, having more  nosebleeds than ever. So how am I suppose to be around people and pretend that I am fine?

Yeah I blog, but I can write a bit, leave, come back, (things called drafts you know). I do my talk show once a week, and I have D there just in CASE I have to mute my mic and PUKE my brains out. My show is one hour long and I do it from my bed…just that ONE hour of talking on my show wears me out so much.

I can’t do things right now that require multi-tasking, going to different windows back and forth. I have the “chemo-fog” right now, my brain is REALLY foggy and I have a hard time using ONE browser window. let alone two or even three.

I’m sorry if everyone doesn’t understand. I am sorry if you think I don’t want to be your friend. I am sorry if I let people down, but again, I can’t help it, and I would hope my FRIENDS would understand.

*SIGHS HEAVILY* I am out. Can’t do this anymore. I can’t cry, I will make my headache worse.

08
Jul
09

another reason humans piss me OFF…

So I am playing at Pogo today, just TRYING to relax. They have the new Boggle game there (yes it’s the old board game Boggle, but funner haha). I am playing, enjoying myself quietly, figuring this was stimulating my brain–the chemo makes me so foggy and my memory is not what it used to be. I smile to myself and feel good because I am remembering words from dictionaries I used to read (haha yes I used to read the dictionary) and I am flying through the game (I also type 80 WPM on a good day).

You cannot chat between rounds, so you don’t give away words to people, which I think is GOOD, and I usually don’t chat anyhow.  At the end one of the games I was “MVP” and my score was 211 which is REALLY high. I got giddy and felt GOOD about myself until a few people in the chat room start saying “No way you can get that score..” and “Oh some one is using a bot”….A BOT?!?!?! I typed in  “I am human, thanks…” and continued to play, after every round they kept talking about how it sucked that some people cheated, etc., etc. It REALLY hurt my feelings, so I just left the game room and I cried.

I can’t help it that I am smart, that I am Autistic and retain things. I wasn’t cheating, I was only playing the fucking game and enjoying myself, but of course you get a few stupid humans who want to cause trouble and upset people…I wanted to type in the chat “Hey I am Autistic with an IQ of 162, don’t be pissed if  I am smarter than you.” But I didn’t. I just left. Now I am scared to go play Boggle again, no matter what game room I am in, because I don’t want to be treated like that again. IT HURTS. I’m a very nice, quiet and gentle person…I don’t start trouble, hell as I said I RARELY even chat, so please don’t start shit with me. I don’t need it!!! It’s abusive and I don’t need it!!

LOOK people. If you see someone winning and excelling at a game don’t just assume they are cheaters. I KNOW some people do cheat and that sucks, but don’t be MEAN to some one when you don’t know their story. I am sensitive and YOU HURT ME!!! I am sick, weak, going through this fucking chemo and I didn’t need that crap today..Hell I haven’t even FELT like being on pogo at all until today…..and of course it had to get RUINED.

I hate mean people, they SUCK. Just leave me ALONE!!!!

meanpeoplesuck2

10
Jun
09

77 Arrested In Child Porn Sting (Florida)

This sickened me when I read it. Not only did they ALL possess child porn, 17 of them had a video tutorial “How To Molest A Child”! What the fuck? Now there’s a video circulating?!?!?! I’ve known all my life how the sick fucks can coach one other whether through personal face to face contact and now by internet, but a FUCKING VIDEO? Grrr!!!!!

All of the men arrested (Who ranged in age from 17-83) were charged with child pornography, some were also charged with actual molestation and child cruelty.

Florida Department Of Law Enforcement Commissioner, Gerald Bailey was quoted as saying…”There are no actors in these images, they’re each of real children, they’re victimizations. The criminal act itself has been captured in digital format and memorialized.”

Those poor children *sighs*.  They will, of course, never be the same. And I am SO fucking angry about this! I am so sick of these fucks getting a slap on the wrist, perhaps a few months in jail, then being released to re-offend again and again and AGAIN! When will the judicial system listen to the studies that have proven over and over again that pedophiles CANNOT BE REHABILITATED!! Either fucking put them away for life OR better yet, just kill them–a slow, painful death…let them suffer like they’ve made their victims suffer, because those kids WILL suffer for the rest of their lives!!!  Take them out of the gene pool already for pete sakes! *Shakes head* I’ve always said children have no rights and they don’t. Will they ever? I certainly hope so…

I have to applaud the Cyber Crimes Unit in Florida, they did an amazing job on this sting operation and saved 5 children in the process! They were formed in 2005  as a six person unit and have grown to 30 members with 5 offices state wide. They are responsible for 140 arrests since it’s inception!! Way to go y’all!

Here are the sick fucks  who were arrested in this latest sting. I hope and pray you ALL rot in hell….

 

 

03
Mar
09

Random blathering, from my random mind…

I think it is time to get my “ode to Dad” moved down a bit.  The bastard doesn’t deserve the top spot in my blog, don’tcha agree?

This blog is probably going to be uhhh well…you will see. But it’s MY blog so I can do what I want, right? haha…

relistorI got my Relistor today, thank GOD (yeah I took the pic of it lying on my bed haha). Yes, I know you all don’t REALLY want to know about my bodily functions, but just put up with it, mmmkay? Now, I have been fighting this CML (chronic myelogenous leukemia) since late 1999. I have been on opioids for so long that they have relaxed my intestines to the point that they aren’t working anymore. Oh yes, that means no nice potty time for me after morning coffee. Nope I have been suffering for months with this problems. My wonderful doctor (no sarcasm here, he REALLY IS wonderful) prescribed Colace first…nothing. He then prescribed a laxative…nothing. I mean NOTHING. I took it for four days and not even a CRAMP. So we finally decided that Relistor was the final chance for me and my body.  From the website for Relistor:

Indication

RELISTOR is indicated for the treatment of opioid-induced constipation in patients with advanced illness who are receiving palliative care, when response to laxative therapy has not been sufficient.

Opioid-induced constipation (OIC) is one of the most distressing side effects seen in palliative care patients.

  • OIC can cause or result in abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting, or fecal impaction.
  • OIC can last the entire time that a palliative care patient with advanced illness is taking opioid medication.

You see, Relistor is only prescribed for patients with advanced illness (a nice way of saying we are dying) who can’t take a damn crap anymore because of other meds that help us with pain. Isn’t it amazing how a medication for one thing can cause another thing in your body to fuck up? You would think that with all the advances in medicine and medications they could get SOMETHING right for people huh?

Ok I digress — I will take my first shot of Relistor this evening and see if everything comes out alright in the end.  Hardy har har, I made a funny LMAO.  Keep your fingers, toes, eyes, legs and anything else crossed you can that this helps me with relatively small side effects. If it doesn’t, the only other option is a colostomy, that I DO NOT want. I already have cancer, DDD, COPD, a feeding tube in my stomach and fucking failed kidneys, I REALLY don’t need nor want another stoma in my tummy! I have to wonder just how much better I will feel once I can use the bathroom like a normal man again…they say that holding that stuff in can be toxic to your body. Well fuck me rotten, I’ve been suffering with this for MONTHS! Will I suddenly take a good crap that makes me sing with joy and maybe,  just MAYBE feel a little better? I certainly hope so. HAH I won’t be DJing tonight, my Dr. told me to take the first shot today, and then I do it every other day after that. I don’t know HOW it is going to work, so I can’t very well be DJing and say “Oh, oops, hold on again while I go potty”, now can I? HAHAHA. I also don’t know how MUCH I will go the first time, I mean are my insides SO backed up I will go multiple times with the first shot? Oh geez, lucky me. Although, if I did, it might actually  make me breathe a sign of relief haha. Now don’t make a face, you ALL know it FEELS GOOD to take a normal shit. You aren’t an honest human if you say it doesn’t! And you know, you really don’t realize how much you take for granted with your body until you can’t do it. Like peeing, yeah, just plain old peeing. I used to hop out of bed, pee, wash my face, brush my teeth, start my day. Now, since I am on dialysis, I get up…forget I can’t pee, errr, whip it out, then realize “OH, well HOLY FUCK, I can’t pee anymore, what am I doing??” It makes me kind of sad sometimes. You get the urge to pee, the urge to take a healthy dump, to eat, to sneeze, to scratch an itch, and you take those things for granted until you can’t do them anymore. SO, I will be happy IF this Relistor can help me be some what normal again. La De Daaa. Enough about that, I am sure you are sighing with relief about that huh? *snickers*

Ok now, I am going to rant a little. I hope I don’t start to cry again, because I have a headache. I just found out that one of my bestest friends online is getting sicker. Back story– we met on Pogo when I joined his league. We found out we were both suffering with cancer, him lymphoma and me with leukemia, two cancers, same family of illness. We started talking, bitching and moaning with each other, crying, laughing together. We each understand what the other is going through. We know what it’s like to be so fucking sick — to puke our brains out on a daily basis — to feel so weak and tired, to go through chemo, medication side effects, etc.  Yesterday,  we were talking, then he got a call from his dr. saying they were going to temporarily take him off of his chemotherapy and some of his meds because he is going into liver failure. I swear, when he told me that, it was like someone hit me full force in the heart with a baseball bat. We were both crying…I was even crying at the intro to my show last night *sigh*. I went from being so fucking sad, to being so fucking mad I could spit nails. WHY do GOOD people like my friend Chuck and I get sick, when the BAD people like my bastard of a “Dad” just keep going like freakin’ energizer bunnies? The bad keep getting and going and the good like us get sicker and sicker. We suffer barbaric medical treatments, horrific side effects from those treatments and medications. We get so sick that we wonder WHY we keep going, why not just end it all? Of course, the answer is simple — we look at our loved ones and they keep us going, but motherfuck, how UNFUCKINGFAIR is it?

I got off air last night, laid with D and I fucking lost it. I mean really lost it. I was sobbing, I couldn’t stop crying. I was crying for me, for Chuck, for D, for everyone else that IS suffering or HAS suffered with cancer or any other catastrophic illness. I raged at the unfairness that we (the ones living with and fighting cancer NOW) are essentially human fucking guniea pigs for the pharmaceutical companies, for most doctors. I KNOW in my heart there is a fucking cure for cancer out there, but what do the drug companies do? THEY LET ME AND CHUCK DIE. They let other people die. They simply do NOT care. It’s all about the benjamins ain’t it? Fuck the suffering we go through with their “wonderful” chemotherapy. Fuck the intense pain our skin feels when it’s being fried to a crisp with radiation treatments. Fuck the hours of endless puking, the kind I have every day, where you burst the blood vessels in your eyes, where you puke SO hard you pass out because your body just can’t take it anymore. Ohh and it’s even worse when you CAN take a shit, oh yeah, it’s lovely to have to sit on the toilet and hold the garbage pail (that of course you buy SOLEY for the purpose of puking into, because who wants to put their face into the bathroom garbage pail) heaving out both ends as you pray for death just so it will stop. Meanwhile, rapists, pedophiles, murderers and the like just keep truckin’. FUCK YOU pharmaceutical companies! GIVE US THE CURE, you KNOW what it is…for the LOVE OF GOD,  just give it up. If looking at someone like myself, like Chuck, suffer isn’t enough to make you want to give up the cure, then OH MY GOD look at the CHILDREN that I see when I visit my oncologist/hematologist. They are SO fucking brave, they sit there with their little bald heads shining, some so weak they can’t get out of their Mother/Father’s lap, yet they always have a smile, always. If that doesn’t tug your heart strings enough to give up the CURE, then you all REALLY are cold hearted bitches! ACK!

Ok I am done with this rant, I am really making myself mad again and I really don’t need to cry, my head is busting. Oh, yeah, I didn’t mention THAT did I? Oh yeah I think one of my “slow growing” brain tumors has decided to grow again and yeah, that means more radiation, and I KNOW they will suggest more chemo. GOD I don’t think my body could take it. But at the very least, I get to feel like a fucking piece of bacon getting sizzled and fried up in the pan. OH FUCK CANCER I HATE YOU!

I’m out!

06
Dec
08

I think I jinxed myself!

So I wrote about the cool snow effect on our pages courtesy of WordPress and I look outside and it is POURING snow. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the snow, but why today?

As most of you know, I am sick, disabled and I get food stamps. So I get them on the 6th of every month and by the time I get them, my kitchen is pretty bare. I HAD to go out today and do my monthly shop. So my sister calls, “Oh shit Bubbie, it’s snowing hard up here!” I look outside and sure enough it is snowing here. I tell her “Hurry up and get here and I will just get enough stuff to do a few days!” So her and her husband come to get me…the snow is getting heavier and heavier (joy, joy), here I am knowing I have a touch of pneumonia, bundling up so I don’t have to breathe in any of that wet, cold air. We start out to the supermarket and the roads are already white 😐 . Thankfully the store is only a 2 minute drive from my apartment, but everyone else was in there buying up supplies. I can’t walk fast and today my pain is so bad I could barely push the grocery cart *le sigh*, so I tried to move as fast as I could.

Right now Kev and I have steaks marinating in a Jack Daniels marinade. We are gonna bake some potatoes and have a nice dinner. I have to run a tournament in a little less than an hour for a league I am in at Pogo. Hmm I was going to cook before, get a full tummy, do my tournament, then sleep. I don’t think it is going to happen, I don’t have enough time to make dinner. So I will reverse the order :-P. I will run the tourney, cook, then sleep, shower and do my radio show tonight at 9:00 PM ET. I am doing my Rainbow Show tonight. It’s always so upbeat and fun. If you all want to come listen, I would love that! 🙂

Chunky Monkey IS Love! HAHA
Chunky Monkey IS Love! HAHA

I found some great stuff I love on sale like–Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey for 2.50 instead of the usual 4.00. I had two 2.00 off coupons for T.G.I.Friday’s new skillet dishes, they are usually 8.99 (no WAY I would pay that), but they had them on sale for 5.99, that meant I ended up getting them for 3.99, YAY hahaha! Got me some french vanilla ice cream on sale, along with some whipped cream, hershey’s chocolate syrup and wet walnuts *drool*, can you say chocolate sundae? The only thing I splurged on were 3 Lindt Intense Orange dark chocolate bars, I am so addicted to them and they were on sale 3 for 5.00 so I said, “Why not, I don’t buy myself much!” and got them. I got stuff to make my homemade spinach dip Yum. Then the staples of course, milk, bread, sandwich meat, etc., etc.—Boy you really wanted to hear all of that didn’t you? LMAO. 

I am going to go get back into my warm PJ’s, fuzzy socks and a hoodie. I am freezing here and it’s suppose to be 18 degrees tonight and a boiling 16 tomorrow night. Brrrrrrr.

Wow! I am sure you guys wanted to read all 575 words of my randomness didn’t you? LMAO Sorry, but sometimes, it just has to come out hehe. I will write more again later.




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