Archive for the 'V’s Frustration' Category

31
Aug
09

M.I.A

I won’t be writing for awhile, if at all. Sorry.

I’m out.

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01
Aug
09

where do *I* fit in?

sadnessI feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. It seems I lose friends left and right….people tell me they care, but then when I am down and out..sick, they don’t bother to contact me to see if I am ok. They get upset with me if I can’t do the things they think I should do…it is very disheartening.

I can’t really use myspace anymore, because of what happened with that person who lied to me and hurt me so badly. I don’t feel comfortable at myspace. I signed up at Facebook and hoped to make friends with people, especially D’s friends. I wanted to fit in there, but I don’t. I have come to that realization. I just don’t fit in. I tried.  I tried being nice to people, commenting on their status messages, notes, pictures, etc., but then if I write something it goes virtually ignored.  So I guess I don’t fit in there.

Now I find I don’t fit in with my family either. My sisters never come to check on me, call me..nothing. One will only call me if she thinks I have some money to try and bum me. The other sister only calls to try to get my pain pills, Neurontin, Tramadol from me. They go out to the movies, they go out to eat, they never offer to take me, they never bring me food. It’s pretty much always been that way and I try to accept it, but somedays it just HURTS.

Then today, I got rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. Mel and her fiancee were here and I heard them talking about taking his mom out shopping today and going out to eat Mexican. Mel goes “Oh I have enough of my own money to pay for Dad and K’s food, so they should go with us!”.  K got very excited and actually I did too, first because Mel thought to invite us and secondly because we are so low on food there’s barely anything to eat here. Her fiancee says “I have to use the bathroom.”, and calls Mel in there. About five minutes later, she comes out and says “I will just take you and K next week.”  I just looked at her in disbelief–then her fiancee came in here and said “Well Mom might get upset if we invite you without like a days notice.” I was fucking stunned. I was rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. WTF?  What is it? Am I too hideous to look at because I lost my hair? Because I have the “brown circles of chemo”? Are you all ashamed to be seen with me? Or is it that I am not worth spending money on?

I feel like I don’t fit in ANYWHERE. Anywhere except these four walls of my apartment. I NEVER get to go out to dinner because I never have the money. I would LOVE to just sit in a restaurant and order food and eat there. But that isn’t going to happen I guess, because firstly I have no money to take myself and K…and two I am evidently not good enough to have someone PAY for me to eat out. To get me out of this apartment.

Fuck it, somedays I wonder why I fight so hard to stay alive when I don’t fit in ANYWHERE.

I’m out. I have to go find K something to eat and I guess tonight will be another night I go hungry…….

26
Jul
09

are you happy?

26
Jul
09

what is CML?

I have had a lot of people ask me about CML, it’s kind of hard to describe what it is and what causes it. I have found two videos that explain it more thoroughly than I could…It also explains about the mutation and becoming “immune” to Gleevec (which is what happened to me). Anyhow, watch ’em if you want…and by the way,  they won’t pause on their own so you will have to pause the second one and watch the first one, then ….well yeah you get the picture. I’m out.

Part One:

Vodpod videos no longer available.
Part Two:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

23
Jul
09

no more dramaaaa

I made the drama post private. I can’t stand to look at it haha…I try so hard to be NON drama so when stuff like this happens I get very out of sorts and upset.

I am on my “rest period” now, 4 days on, 3 days off. Prednisone time. Have I said lately that I HATE steroids? The sweats, the jitters, the non-stop hunger, mood swings. Oh yeah it’s such nice stuff. You’d think the hunger would be good for me, since I need to gain weight, but the chemo makes me throw up, it really does suck. I hate the chemo worse, but I have to say as far as medications I have been on Prednisone runs a close second and Reglan a runner up at third hah!

I have to go see my lawyer today. I got my FCE report so we need to get it in to the SSA. The report looks REALLY good in my favor. No work using the upper body at ALL. I also got a call from one of the senators office yesterday and I have to say I am pleasantly surprised at how much they have all kept me informed. I’ve received  numerous letters, but yesterday was the first phone call, it shocked me haha.  They are federal government and honestly after all I have already been through with SSA, I don’t have a lot of faith in the federal government–well the government as a whole. So let’s hope they get something done and restore my faith in them a little bit…

My hands are really hurting right now. I need to stop typing.

I’m out.

15
Jul
09

hair today..gone tomorrow..

Well, I woke up this morning with quite a bit of hair on my pillow *SIGH*. I then went to put it up in a ponytail, ran my fingers through my hair and came back with huge chunks of it.  I can’t slowly watch my hair leave me yet AGAIN, so I went into the bathroom, cut what I could and put it in a bag to give to Locks Of Love then buzz cut it, and shaved it slick. Yeah, I cried the whole time…

I hate cancer, I really hate it. I have puked so much, my eye whites are bloodied, every muscle in my body aches…I am so weak I can barely open a coke can. Cancer takes so much from a person, it’s a horrible disease, and I REALLY wish they would give up the cure for it. I know it’s out there……somewhere.

So yeah, all my long beautiful hair is gone again…and I sit here typing to you bald and wondering when the rest of my body hair is going to fall out.

I’m out.

14
Jul
09

blah! and WOW (edited)

blahI couldn’t sleep last night, I’m tired, frustrated, sick to my stomach, yet so hungry, I have a headache, I need to clean my apartment, get ready for TWO shows this week. I am having a very special show tomorrow night about Juvenile Arthritis, so tune in for that!

Blah anyhow…I have to go now and TRY to make myself eat something, TRY to clean my apartment and TRY to get my shit done. I don’t feel like it. All I really want to do is medicate myself and go back to bed… I HATE CHEMO!

*edit*

I just went to Pogo to check on things and I went to read Ms. Netiquette’s column (I read it every week haha) And was shocked to see the letter I wrote to her there. I didn’t figure it would get published this fast, if at ALL. So I was pleasantly surprised! haha Anyhow, here is the letter and her response. Now I am gone to get my stuff done!

letter

I’m out.




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