Posts Tagged ‘birthdays

30
Aug
09

Today…

HappyBirthday_Peaceful_LavenderToday is my daughter Mel’s birthday. It’s SO hard to believe that she is 20 today. The same age I was when she was born. I have raised her, watched her grow and now….she’s not a teen anymore, she’s a grown woman and my heart does kind of ache. I miss our “dates” when she was little. Every Saturday night, I would turn off my pager and cellphone, no work, no distractions, nothing but me and my Mel. She would pick a place to eat and we would go out on our “date”. I remember holding her tiny hand in mine…oh man I am going to cry. I wouldn’t change anything in our life together. Sure it was hard raising her alone from birth…but I KNOW I did a damn good job. She is loving, kind, intelligent, empathetic, proud, outspoken about things she believes in. I am SO proud of her. She’s a beautiful young woman now *le sigh*.

I love you baby. From the day you were born I was IN love with you. I have watched you grow, go through trying times and come out the strong and beautiful woman you are today. You will always be Daddy’s girl……*SIGH* Happy Birthday honey!

I will post pictures later. 🙂

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06
Jun
09

redneck barbeques, talk shows and pain…oh my!!!

**I edited out the URL so “Dad” can’t find me through my talk show…please email me at murderous.thoughts@ymail.com and I will send you the link to the site!**

OK so first off my official website for my talk show is up… go to *email me for the site URL* 🙂 and check it out. I put a forum up and it’s not just for the show. I have also added threads for autistics and abuse survivors. The forum for the abuse survivors is private and password protected, so if you want to join that one so we can all talk in a private, loving place then email me for the password. 🙂  I’m really hoping the forum does well, I think it would be a great place to socialize, chit chat and of course as survivors talk in the private forum in safety–so go join up, post in the “Introduce Yourself” forum and let’s have some fun there!

Now…it’s an OMG moment. My daughter is dating a REALLY nice guy, he’s stylish, clean, loves her to pieces, is helpful to me and I really love him to pieces. So today is his mother’s birthday (I hadn’t ever met her before) and they invited myself and K over for a cookout and for K to swim with John’s (Mel’s b/f) nieces and nephews. I made her a homemade chocolate cake with buttercream frosting (wore myself out) and Mel came to pick us up. All I can say is—> 😐 It was honestly redneck central, I mean the one tooth in your head kind of rednecks (now I am not racist so don’t give me shit)–they were loud, around their house looked like the typical dirty yard–non-working vehicles, old appliances, the works. Needless to say that is SO not me. I am obsessively clean–so the whole time I was sitting there I was biting my lip, trying to keep myself from getting up and CLEANING the yard. His Mom was nice, but she drank WAY too much for me. She broke out the Mad Dog 20/20 first…tried to get me to drink with her, I nicely said “No thank you”. Then she brings out the Miller Lite Beer…again she tried to make me drink with her–I declined again. THEN she brings out the Southen Comfort  😐 of course I turned that one down too “Sorry, I can’t drink I am on heavy medications.” THEN her brother (The one that admitted to me he only has 2 teeth in his head haha) comes out in swim trunks with this big belly hanging out…a long beard and scraggly hair…and says to John’s mother “Girl you need to start brushing your teeth or you are gonna be like me”…uhh…I was overwhelmed and freaked out, I had to shut down and go into my own world for a bit–THANK God for my Autism! Mel noticed I was shutting down so she brought out the cake–she blew out her candles and THANK GOD we got to go home. The first thing I did was put K in the shower, get her clean then I got in HAHA. I am sooooo exhausted and overwhelmed by this day that I feel like I am in a semi-coma or something. I don’t socialize well as it is, but to be around that was just too much for my poor system. I am far too delicate for that LMAO.

Ok, this week my talk show is Thursday night at 9:00pm Eastern (My permanent day and time slot)…and my special guest is none other than my wife D, the original Frank ‘N Furter from the 8th Street Playhouse in NYC. She is responsible for helping to get the whole “cult” of Rocky Horror Picture Show started. She is going to talk about her experiences as Frank, with the whole Rocky Horror Experience AND her upcoming CD that will be out on i-tunes and Amazon this month!! She will be taking your calls and we will also have call ins from other 8th Street Playhouse people! This will be a VERY fun show, so I hope you all will tune in for the fun!

Ok, I am worn out–I have to go get K off my laptop (She’s playing at www.freerealms.com ) and get her teeth brushed and in the bed, then I am going to lay and rest. I sure need it.

11
Dec
08

The Holidays…The Pain…

The holidays are always a rough time for me…Even when I had the money to enjoy them, I always wondered when “Dad” was going to come along and do something to ruin them.

He ruined Christmas for me a couple of years ago, by leaving me a “present”, convincing me it was something nice. You see, I always wanted his love…I always waited for the day when he would tell me he was sorry for everything he’s done to me, but that is another story. I stupidly hoped when he gave me the “present” that maybe, just maybe he had decided to be NICE to me for once. I opened the box…and inside was a bloodied t-shirt from when I was around 5 or 6 years old, a piece of chain he used to beat me with, it had my hair and what looked like dried up blood on it and a few other things to trigger the pain and anger in me. He had a note in there “For the memories, Merry Christmas”.  *SIGH*

He ruined Easter for me in 2007. He decided he wanted me again. I was living up at my Mother’s at the time, in the mountains, no houses, no nothing around for miles. He called me out  late night, in the rain, I was pissed and I swore I was going to fight back, to hurt him like he had hurt me. So as everyone slept, I went outside to him and we did fight, but he got the best of me, (must be nice to abuse a sick person huh “Dad?”) he raped me, he put a gun to my head and threatened to kill me, he put the gun…other places and threatened to pull the trigger, he drug me through gravel and concrete, bruising me and tearing up my skin. He hurt me in so many ways that night. I ended up back in the house at sunrise, soaking wet, freezing, beaten and raped. So there went Easter for me. He has ruined my birthday January 24th more times than I can count. Abusing me, raping me as gifts I suppose.

He is such a sick man, restraining orders, threats, etc., have never kept him away from me. He is obsessed. When I was young it was all about the abuse and how he hated me. Then when I hit puberty “filled out”, around the age of 14, things changed in him. He went into what I call “boyfriend mode” *shudders*.  Yes he wanted me to be his lover…to enjoy the things he did to me. That didn’t keep him from beating me though, if I did something to piss him off, he would beat me until I would pass out, only to try to “have make up sex” with me later, GOD. I was expected to SHOW him I was enjoying it, I was expected to *cringe* moan for him, to have an orgasm. If I didn’t, I would get beaten, violated in ways you can’t imagine. So, I would go inside myself and try to do what he wanted to keep from getting hurt. *SIGH*

I know folks who have never been through horrific abuse like me won’t understand. They say “why did you let that happen? Why didn’t you tell?”. Well you can say that all you want, but until you are in MY situation, terrified for your life, threatened, beaten and raped, don’t pass judgement on me. I was brainwashed at a VERY young age and I still live with that fear. I am just now starting to TELL, to open up about everything and I am in my 30’s!!

Yes “Dad” is still obsessed with me, yes he still hurts me when he can get his hands on me, yes I do try to fight back more than I used to, but I am sick now and weak and can’t fight back like I would want to. Do I usually submit to him? Yes, unfortunately I will do almost anything to keep from being beaten to a pulp. 😦 Do I “WANT” this? FUCK NO, I don’t want it. I get physically sick every time he comes around, I vomit when I hear his voice. NO ONE wants to be raped by their “Father”. I suppose I am like Pavlov’s dog, *sigh* ring that bell and I do what he wants, like I have been trained all these years.

One day, this will be over, I will be at peace, until then I just pray every day that he doesn’t come to me, that he doesn’t call me, every time my phone rings I wince and cringe. If my caller ID messes up with “No Data”, I freak and debate even answering. When someone knocks on my door, I freak, praying it isn’t him. Sometimes I wonder what the FUCK kind of life I have lived, in fear all the time, but it’s the ONLY life I’ve known. I live it. At least now I DO have people in my life who care, who try to protect me, who love me, and I am meeting awesome people like me and I don’t feel so alone.

Here is my present to “Dad”, this little song that I love so much! Merry Christmas fucker.

Mercy Fall–I Got Life:

Happy Holidays…heh.




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