Posts Tagged ‘chemotherapy

23
Jul
09

no more dramaaaa

I made the drama post private. I can’t stand to look at it haha…I try so hard to be NON drama so when stuff like this happens I get very out of sorts and upset.

I am on my “rest period” now, 4 days on, 3 days off. Prednisone time. Have I said lately that I HATE steroids? The sweats, the jitters, the non-stop hunger, mood swings. Oh yeah it’s such nice stuff. You’d think the hunger would be good for me, since I need to gain weight, but the chemo makes me throw up, it really does suck. I hate the chemo worse, but I have to say as far as medications I have been on Prednisone runs a close second and Reglan a runner up at third hah!

I have to go see my lawyer today. I got my FCE report so we need to get it in to the SSA. The report looks REALLY good in my favor. No work using the upper body at ALL. I also got a call from one of the senators office yesterday and I have to say I am pleasantly surprised at how much they have all kept me informed. I’ve received  numerous letters, but yesterday was the first phone call, it shocked me haha.  They are federal government and honestly after all I have already been through with SSA, I don’t have a lot of faith in the federal government–well the government as a whole. So let’s hope they get something done and restore my faith in them a little bit…

My hands are really hurting right now. I need to stop typing.

I’m out.

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19
Jul
09

just some random blathering…

Well, tomorrow I start week 3 of this continous chemotherapy drip. IT SUCKS. I have been through 5 rounds in 10 years and other than the first one they did to prep me for the bone marrow transplant this is THE worst. It makes me hurt ALL over. Even my skin hurts, it’s like the nerves are on edge or something. My clothes hurt to wear, the bedsheets hurt…I HATE it.

As I said in my other post, I shaved my head, I couldn’t watch it  just slowly fall out, it is just too painful. Now I am losing other body hair…I am pretty hairless naturally, no chest hair, back hair, butt cheek hair (haha). But I am losing my arm pit hair, and uhh, other places. I don’t like it. I DO NOT like it.  So what’s next–well my eyebrows and eyelashes…then I will look like a total fuckin’ alien.

My mother saw me the other day and just cried when she saw the bandana on my head. She said, “God baby, you’ve been through so much.”, heh, yeah, what an understandment. I’ve been through TOO much. My body isn’t what it used to be, and every fucking treatment they do on me weakens me more…weakens my body more. AH well, so goes life huh?

I know some of you think I don’t care, but I DO. So don’t give up on me…..I know some of you probably have, *sighs*. OK I can’t go there today, it will just  upset me. I have lost so many friends because of my illness, they either can’t handle it, or if I don’t do what they expect of me, they get upset and leave. It hurts and I can’t do this today. I can’t handle the upset….

Ok I think WordPress has a thing where you can rate my posts, blog, comments, etc. So have at it, just be nice for pete sakes hehe.

I’m out.

15
Jul
09

hair today..gone tomorrow..

Well, I woke up this morning with quite a bit of hair on my pillow *SIGH*. I then went to put it up in a ponytail, ran my fingers through my hair and came back with huge chunks of it.  I can’t slowly watch my hair leave me yet AGAIN, so I went into the bathroom, cut what I could and put it in a bag to give to Locks Of Love then buzz cut it, and shaved it slick. Yeah, I cried the whole time…

I hate cancer, I really hate it. I have puked so much, my eye whites are bloodied, every muscle in my body aches…I am so weak I can barely open a coke can. Cancer takes so much from a person, it’s a horrible disease, and I REALLY wish they would give up the cure for it. I know it’s out there……somewhere.

So yeah, all my long beautiful hair is gone again…and I sit here typing to you bald and wondering when the rest of my body hair is going to fall out.

I’m out.

12
Jul
09

just please understand! :-(

You know what? If you REALLY care about me and how I am, why not write me now and then to ask? Email me, IM me, CALL ME?!?!?!  It hurts me when people say they care, yet they never bother to talk to ME about how I am feeling? And to let my friends know…I am not HIDING from anyone. If I am not showing online to you, then I am not showing online to ANYONE, I am OFFLINE, probably resting. If I DO answer you but I am invisible, it simply means I am NOT staying online, but I am checking my IM’s to see if any of you have sent me one. I want ALL my friends to know that I do care, it’s not that I am ignoring ANY  ONE of you. I’ve got people coming from all directions, wondering why I don’t “hang out” with them, “IM with them”..etc. *SIGH* I’m TRYING the best I can, please understand!

This chemo is REALLY getting to  me. Everyone is different and everyone reacts to treatments differently. Some can go about their lives like they aren’t going through anything, others get SICK and I mean SICK. I have so much pain in my body right now, that even my CLOTHES touching my skin hurts. I can’t sleep with covers over me at night because it HURTS. Even my fucking hair hurts (which I will probably start to lose in another week or two). I’m sorry if I can’t do the things expected of me…or if I let people down. When I hurt this much, I feel anti-social. I don’t want to hang around in a chat room full of people, where I have to act like I am A-OK, and everything is freakin’ peachy. It’s NOT. It’s nothing against ANYONE, it’s just how I am feeling right now. I am just in a lot of pain, throwing my guts up so much I am bursting blood vessels in my eyes, having more  nosebleeds than ever. So how am I suppose to be around people and pretend that I am fine?

Yeah I blog, but I can write a bit, leave, come back, (things called drafts you know). I do my talk show once a week, and I have D there just in CASE I have to mute my mic and PUKE my brains out. My show is one hour long and I do it from my bed…just that ONE hour of talking on my show wears me out so much.

I can’t do things right now that require multi-tasking, going to different windows back and forth. I have the “chemo-fog” right now, my brain is REALLY foggy and I have a hard time using ONE browser window. let alone two or even three.

I’m sorry if everyone doesn’t understand. I am sorry if you think I don’t want to be your friend. I am sorry if I let people down, but again, I can’t help it, and I would hope my FRIENDS would understand.

*SIGHS HEAVILY* I am out. Can’t do this anymore. I can’t cry, I will make my headache worse.

11
Jul
09

eeeeeeeep!!

EEEP

 All I can see is “EEEEP” geez…I am weird with that number–so SOMEONE freaking comment and get rid of it! hahaha…

Not typing a big post, I am not feeling good, I am very weak, this chemo is REALLY getting to me. I am having bad sweats, nausea, weakness, PAIN all over my fucking body, so much pain anything touching my skin hurts..my clothing, the bed sheets..BLAH.

I’m going to shower….ta ta for now.

06
Jul
09

it begins…..again.

cancerSUCKSWell they started my continous chemo drip this morning…I’m already feeling kind of shitty, I hate these awful meds running through my system. I DO NOT want to lose my hair GOD 😦 . I guess I will find out in about 2 weeks, huh?

I will do 4 days of the continous drip, then 3 days off and taking Prednisone. I hate steroids too, they make me VERY emotional, make me want to eat everything in sight. My oldest said they turn me into a bitch HAHAHA. This cycle will go on for 6 weeks. I HOPE it gets everything under control. GOD I have fought this shit for almost 10 years now.

Sometimes I get sick of fighting, but then I look at my wife, my kids, my family and I HAVE to keep trying…if I was alone, no family, I would just let nature take it’s course and finally be free of not only this disease, but my “Dad”. WOW, how nice that would feel, to be disease and pain free…to be rid of the monster in my life (aka–“Dad”). To be healed and have no scars on my body….ah one day. One day we will ALL be perfect again, happy and FREE. That will be wonderful, huh?

I had to go to the grocery store today for my monthly shop. I didn’t even make it halfway through the store and I was so weak I could barely walk. I am stubborn and REALLY don’t want to have to use my wheelchair or one of those motorized carts at the store, but it seems I am going to have to swallow my pride and use ’em, because right now I am in a LOT  of pain and so weak. YUCK, YUCK!!!!!

Ok enough complaining. I am alive, I have my family and I have love, so I AM happy…

I’m out…

30
Jun
09

i feel…

I feel:

  • Ugly
  • Stupid
  • Forgotten
  • Lonely
  • Sick
  • Tired
  • Abused
  • Let down
  • Put down
  • Objectified
  • Lost
  • Hopeless
  • Hurt
  • Frustrated
  • Needy
  • IN FUCKING PAIN
  • Stressed

I start chemo on monday….I will be on a continuous drip of 2 chemo drugs for 4 days…off 3 days with oral steroids, back on again, off again, on again….my doctor FINALLY writes me something for this awful pain and guess what?!?! I CAN’T AFFORD IT BECAUSE I HAVE NO MONEY! Wooopie. I am so happy–pissed…no one around me has money, so I am just fucking screwed. And the topper of it all is these meds will make me lose my fucking hair AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Lucky  me…

My whole life seems like it’s been one abuse after another..if not from human beings from medications…I am sick of it. I am sick of having no money…being unable to buy my medications (which are, by the way, less than 50.00). I am just sick of it all…I’m trying REALLY hard not to cut right now. I have to stop typing now.

good night.




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