Posts Tagged ‘child abuse


more memories of childhood…

Little warning–This may be triggering to abuse survivors…so read with caution.


We used to go to the country to visit Mom and Dad’s parents when I was young. We would go a few times a year. Dad’s parents lived on a farm–they treated me like crap, but I loved the farm, the barn, the horses, cows, etc. So when we would visit his parents I pretty much stayed out on the farm, hanging out quietly in the loft of the barn, I loved the peace and quiet of it all.

One day I was up in the loft of the barn and I heard my Dad and Uncle Jimmy calling for me. As you probably have read, every time I heard Dad’s voice fear swept through me. I sat quietly not answering them until I heard them getting closer to the barn. I knew if he found me and knew I intentionally didn’t answer him I would have been in trouble. So I climbed out of the loft and went to him and my uncle. My uncle said “We want to show you something.” I cautiously followed them towards the house to this big tree that had some table like things made of wood. I had never known exactly what those things were and never really cared to ask, unfortunately that day I found out what they were used for.

Dad and Uncle Jimmy had been out hunting and had killed a deer and a couple of squirrels. I was horrified to see the squirrels dead, lying on this wooden table thing. “We’re gonna teach you how to clean a squirrel, it will make a man out of you.” my Uncle said. I started to shake and back up. Dad told me to stay still, watch and learn. I started to quietly cry as my uncle cut into the poor little squirrel. I felt vomit rising up as he started to gut it. I want to run, but every time I would start to back up again, my Dad would give me the “look” and I would stop and cry a little harder.  Then Jimmy pulled out the heart of the squirrel and held it in his hand telling me to look at it. I just stared, I couldn’t say a word, I think I was in shock, because it reminded me of what happened with my puppy Frisky. Suddenly Jimmy yells out “Catch!!!” and threw the squirrel heart as hard as he could and it hit me in the face and BURST.  I didn’t even know a heart could BURST like that! Blood was all over me, the blow knocked me to the ground, dazed and terrified. Dad and Jimmy just LAUGHED at me.

I finally came to my senses and started to scream. My mother heard me and ran outside to see me on the ground with blood all over me. She knelt beside me on the ground and asked what the fuck happened and Jimmy said “Well I told him to catch it”. My mom stood up and got in his face and said “If you EVER do anything like this to my son again, I will have your balls in a jar, do you fucking understand me?”.  He just laughed again. She told Dad she was leaving,  he could stay with his stupid family if he wanted to, but we were getting in the car and going back to my Gramma and Grandpa’s house (Mom’s parents). She left Dad standing there with his stupid brother. We went to Gramma’s house and she bathed me and held me while I cried and cried. I hated Dad and my Uncle even more that day and I knew I would NEVER hurt an animal, I would NEVER hunt an animal and I would NEVER go back to that house again…..

I hate guns, I hate hunting and I hate my Dad and Uncle for doing yet another thing to fuck up my mind.


have you seen my childhood?

To me, this is THE most poignant song Michael Jackson every wrote. I have always loved it and cried when I hear it…because *I* lost my childhood as well…I am child-like…I am also eccentric and misunderstood….*sigh* anyhow…Have you seen MY childhood?


Have you seen my Childhood?
I’m searching for the world that I come from
‘Cause I’ve been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart…
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities…
‘Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me…

People say I’m not okay
‘Cause I love such elementary things…
It’s been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I’ve never known…

Have you seen my Childhood?
I’m searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne…

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I’m strange that way
‘Cause I love such elementary things,
It’s been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I’ve never known…

Have you seen my Childhood?
I’m searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly…

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I’ve had

Have you seen my Childhood...


from one abused child to another…to another…….

I’ve been in a heavy state of thinking all weekend…I had something happen to me, which I don’t think I am ready to say to the public just yet, but it made me realize a few things…

I now know what was wrong with Michael Jackson. Everyone always saying he had plastic surgery to “look like Diana Ross”…to “look like his sisters”….”Because he didn’t want to look like his father.” Well, I know now why he did what he did. He had Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Body Dsymorphic Disorder is a serious illness. I was diagnosed with it when I was young. Symptoms are having a problem with the way you look, being preoccupied with imaginary flaws…usually of the hair, skin, nose, facial lines, etc. Having a lot of anxiety over ones looks…getting cosmetic surgery, spending too much time focusing on the “flaws”, excessive grooming, suicidal thoughts, social phobias, shy, neurotic…you get the picture..

Most people with BDD think they are “ugly” or that people will be mean to them because of the imagined flaws. With me, I hated being PRETTY. I felt my looks caused my abuse and I dreamed of ways to ruin myself so I would be considered “untouchable” and the abuse would stop. I still think of cutting up my face to ruin it…..some days it’s hard to get through with out doing it. So I cut other parts of my body…

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is considered an Obsessive Compusive Disorder, which I was also diagnosed with at a young age. I am sure Michael was OCD…

Over 75% of people with BDD (mild or severe) report being abused as children.

In my case, I cut, I scar…I have fantasies of cutting my face up so I will be “ugly” to people and they won’t abuse me anymore. I think for Michael he wanted to be anything but the boy who was abused, who was pushed to be perfect…I also think Michael was sexually abuse…I KNOW he was. I feel it…as someone who is a survivor.

After seeing Joe Jackson’s interview it really hit me just how much of an asshole he is. I mean we ALL know he abused Michael, he admitted it himself…but do we really know HOW far it went? I think it went further than anyone can imagine and I HOPE one day, one of the kids speaks out…I hope they free themselves of the secrets in that family.

No matter what YOU think of Michael Jackson, if you think of the life he led, the way he was put out there to perform (IN PERFECTION) at such a young age, the way the boys were beaten by their father if they weren’t perfect…you have to feel bad for Michael. Again, I came to a lot of realizations this weekend that I just can’t discuss right now, but I feel a kin-ship with Michael now…I feel bad for him and I am sorry he died such a tragic death and now his leech of a father is going to use his death to try and make more money for himself. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if the bastard tired to sell autospy photos of his SON…

Ok I am a bit upset right now, I just exposed some stuff about myself that was extremely difficult. I need to go spend time with my wife and feel better…..

Please, don’t be spouting mean things on this post, it will just piss me off. If you can’t say anything nice right now about M.J. just don’t say anything at all.


my talk show tonight! (please read)

Tonight at 6:00pm Eastern time I will be having my talk show. Tonight’s subject is Child Abuse And It’s Affect On Adult Survivors. You can join the chat and listen to the show by going to my show page HERE.

I would love for you to call in and talk with me about your experiences OR to ask me questions about my abuse, my blog, etc. The number to call in is : (646) 716-9673 , that is a permanent number for my show so you can always use it when I am on the air.

Tonight’s show is very important to me and I hope it will be to you. I want to hear your experiences, your thoughts.  Even if you aren’t a survivor/victim and you advocate or have strong opinions on this issue please call in!

I also have an official website for my show. I am working on the layout and content now and when it is ready to be unveiled I will give you all the link. I plan on having a forum for survivors there, a safe place we can all talk privately. Again, I will let you know when I launch it! 🙂

Hope to see you all at my show in just a few short hours!



the face of child abuse………


I am warning everyone now this post is graphic, horrifying AND triggering. If you, like me, have been or are a victim of child abuse please know this is very, very, VERY triggering. It has taken me an hour and a half to be able to be calm enough to write this blog, but I feel it NEEDS to be seen.

So many times on the news we hear of a child being abused, raped, murdered by their abusers and we feel awful for that child, but we shake it off and go about our day. Why? Because we don’t SEE the abuse, the bruises, the cuts…so we CAN shake it off, forget it and move on. Well now you can’t, you will see the affects–you will FEEL it deep in your soul, you will cry, you will be outraged, you will not forget it.

So many people turn a blind eye to abuse, they suspect, yet they don’t call social services/child protective services. WHY? I will never understand how people can just let abuse go on, even if it’s only suspected, it should be CHECKED OUT. People don’t turn the other cheek, these children need a voice, they need protection, they need people like YOU to give a shit, to say NO MORE CHILD ABUSE. Call, CALL, CALL, CALL. Don’t walk away from it, YOU could save a child. You could save them from dying, you could save them from a life of abuse, you could save their minds, their bodies. Trust me, I am living proof of people ignoring the signs, the bruises, cuts, limping, sore–they could have saved me from this life of hell.  It’s not hard to pick up a phone and call, you can even do it anonymously, so what’s your excuse for not calling if you feel something isn’t right? There is NO excuse good enough.

Here are some links to sites that have numbers where you can call (most 24 hours a day). 

Phone Numbers For Reporting Suspected Abuse

No more excuses, it’s time to be pro-active. Enough child abuse!! ENOUGH! No child deserves to be hurt, no child deserves to be raped, no child deserves to DIE. I also beg you to lobby, write letters to your government officials and demand harsher punishment for child abusers. It only takes ONE voice to get the ball rolling. I do this, I advocate, I am pro-active…I never want another child to go through what I’ve had to endure…

This video as I warned before is triggering, it’s disturbing, but I felt it needed to be seen. I hope it shocks people into action. And now I am going to go try to shake this off ….

The Video:


anger and abuse….

angryThis post is inspired by a very nice lady who emailed me. I won’t give her name on here, because I am not sure if she would want that, but thank you for inspiring this blog.

She wrote me to say that she was very sorry for the abuse I’ve had to endure, she also said she and her bf were abused as well. She said she always thought it was best to forgive, until she read my blog, that she understood how I could be so angry. And she thanked me for showing her it was ok to be angry about being abused.

I say that forgive and forget stuff is crap. If you’ve been terribly abused like I have, you can’t forget and for me, I fucking sure can’t forgive, especially since it’s still on-going. If “Dad” had a chance he would rape me today. He calls me everyfuckingday, sometimes more than once. So you’re damn right I am angry and even IF my abuse had stopped as a teen, I would still be angry and I still wouldn’t forgive him. I honestly don’t understand how someone CAN forgive a person who has taken their innocence away, who brutalized their body, who scarred their body and mind. I just don’t get it. I am a very forgiving person, except with “Dad”. I am very fucking angry and at him I always will be.  I am angry they he stole my life, then I got struck down with cancer on top of everything. I’ve never had my OWN life. It’s always been clouded with him and his abuse of me. The abuse has shaped how I view the world, how I view other people. It’s made me suspicious of any one who looks twice at my kids. It’s shaped my sex life (well until I met D)…it’s made me a nervous, jumpy, paranoid person. So why should I forgive him?

If you’ve read back into my blog you will see that “Dad” pulled a fast one on me. Made me think he was “sorry” for all he’s done to me and I did try to forgive him–until he hurt me again. It was all just bullshit, he wasn’t sorry and he will never be sorry, so why should I give him the kindness of forgiving him? He doesn’t deserve it and I don’t think ANY person who hurts a child deserves it. They deserve to die, but they don’t deserve forgiveness.

She also asks me if I was angry “in person”. Yes, sometimes I am. I have intermittent explosive disorder. I have rages, but I never hurt my family, ever. I will tell them, if I am getting angry, just go away, leave me alone and I will get through it. I will hurt myself, slam my fist into a wall, tear at my hair, bite myself, cut myself, but I have never and would never hurt my kids, my wife or anyone in my family. They understand if I start to get really angry, to just walk away, that I will get over it in a few minutes and be the loving person that I usually am. And you see, “Dad” and his abuse caused these rages, so why should I forgive him? Don’t tell me to make myself feel better, because it won’t. I will still have the anger, the rage, the flashbacks, the black depressions, the suicidal thoughts, the cutting. Those are things he caused, why should I give him the kindness of forgiving him? Fuck that. I also believe that through my illness my rage inside has kept me alive. I’ve been given up for dead a few times and yet I pull through and keep going. Why is that? I think rage animates me, keeps me moving–I also think that subconsciously I want to see “Dad” either get his for hurting me or die.

I can forgive a lot of things and I can see people forgiving a lot of things, but the rape and abuse of children, teenagers, NO. I am sorry they don’t deserve it, the biggest majority of abusers/molestor’s aren’t remorseful, they never will be. So fuck forgiveness, give me anger anyday.

I’m out….


not all pedophiles are men…

Most people hear the word pedophile and they imagine a sick man hurting/fucking a child. Not all pedophiles are men, there are actually more women that fuck kids than people think. I was fucked by a woman and her husband. That’s right a WOMAN. My “Dad” liked to pass me around to his sick friends when I was little 6, 7, 8 years old, yes a baby. I remember the first time I was sent with this man and woman. I thought, “She will help me, she’s a woman. She will help me.” You know mother figure and all that jazz, but no, she didn’t help me, she DID help herself to my body, forcing my face between her legs, on her breasts while her husband pushed his adult sized cock into my child sized body. She put her mouth on me in places she shouldn’t have. In that moment I hated women *sigh*. I lost all trust in women. She was a mother figure, she should have helped me, she should have grabbed me up and said “No more, you aren’t hurting this little boy.”, but she didn’t. She fucked me with her husband and ruined my image of women. Into my teens years and young adulthood I really didn’t like women. All I could see when I was with a woman was this woman who SOOO betrayed me. That is why I dated more men than women. I had sex with some women, sure, but I couldn’t do anything but penetration with them. No nice foreplay and all that. I couldn’t “go down” on a woman because I would remember that bitch forcing my face between her legs and commanding me to do things to her. I met D and that changed, but only because D loved me and was patient and understanding with me and my problems because of the bitch that I felt betrayed me. Now, I love doing those things with D, because she loves me, unconditionally and she’s my confidant. It’s actually nice to be able to be less inhibited, to let myself enjoy her body.

Let me give you just a few example’s here:

Melissa Huckaby— A Sunday School teacher accused of murdering 8 year old Sandra Cantu, stuffing her poor little body into a suitcase and tossing her into an irrigation ditch like fucking garbage. After they autopsied the body they found out she has molested her.  She is charged with, and I quote here — one count of murder with the special circumstances of rape with a foreign object, lewd or lascivious conduct with a child under 14, and murder in the course of a kidnapping. The special circumstances mean she could face the death penalty. IMHO, she should die for what she did to this baby. I cried for Sandra when I read how she was just thrown away like she was nothing. *SIGH* God bless her. The scary thing about Melissa is that she used to be a “Nanny/babysitter”, and has a 5 year old daughter. Did she molest other children? Did she rape her own daughter? *Shudder*.

MaryKay Letourneau— I am sure most of you know who she is. She is the teacher who fucked her 12 year old student Vili Fualaau. She even confided to a friend she thought this 12 year old KID was her “soulmate”, *pukes a little in my mouth*. Vili then began spending time at the Letourneau household and her husband Steve (who was a fucking sorry, cheating husband) began to worry about her and the kid. He ultimately found a “love letter” she had written to Vili, they say he beat the crap out of Mary when he found out. He called the police and the story hit the news. She had their (meaning her and Vili) first child in 1997 (*shakes head* how sick). Even after the sick bitch was CONVICTED and told to stay away from him, she went right out and fucked him again!!! She found out when they sent her to prison to serve her 7 year sentence for child rape (the maximum sentence, which I think is appalling), that she was pregnant with their second child. After she served her sentence she got out of prison and went right back to Vili. They set a wedding date (GOOD GOD). People are saying that they should be able to do what they want now that he is “of age”, but personally I think she got him at such a young age that he is probably “brain washed”. She took his virginity, she kept going back to him, writing him, etc. All of it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I am not going to keep giving my feelings on these sick bitches, because it makes me want to vomit, but here are MORE woman child molesters.

Pamela Balogh

Rachel Holt

Jennifer Mally

Dawn Fischer

I could name more and more, but I will cut it off there. Note that most of them are TEACHERS. Yes, in a position of trust! That is why I plead with parents to be aware of their children, know them, watch them, question them if need be, because you can’t trust ANYONE, not teachers, police officers, priests/preachers, even FAMILY.

The saddest part of women and pedophilia is that if a 40 year old woman fucks a 13/14 year old, most people say “oh he was lucky huh?”. WTF? NO he wasn’t lucky, he is scarred now, for life. It’s MOLESTATION. If a man of 40 had sex with a girl of the same age, people would be appalled and screaming for his conviction and/or death! Women fucking kids is NO different than men fucking them. It scars us, it damages us for LIFE.

To me, a woman molesting a child, taking their trust and abusing it is horrible, because most kids (I know I did) see women as mother figures. So when they are betrayed, like I was, it fucks you up…luckily I have someone who is patient and understanding, a lot of us don’t have that.

WATCH YOUR CHILDREN! Pay attention…don’t think because it’s a woman they are any safer. Read back to my blog — Be Vigilant, Be Aware!

*SIGH* I am going to unpack more stuff. I just had to get this off my chest. I’m out…. - The internets fastest growing blog directory

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