Posts Tagged ‘family

30
Aug
09

Today…

HappyBirthday_Peaceful_LavenderToday is my daughter Mel’s birthday. It’s SO hard to believe that she is 20 today. The same age I was when she was born. I have raised her, watched her grow and now….she’s not a teen anymore, she’s a grown woman and my heart does kind of ache. I miss our “dates” when she was little. Every Saturday night, I would turn off my pager and cellphone, no work, no distractions, nothing but me and my Mel. She would pick a place to eat and we would go out on our “date”. I remember holding her tiny hand in mine…oh man I am going to cry. I wouldn’t change anything in our life together. Sure it was hard raising her alone from birth…but I KNOW I did a damn good job. She is loving, kind, intelligent, empathetic, proud, outspoken about things she believes in. I am SO proud of her. She’s a beautiful young woman now *le sigh*.

I love you baby. From the day you were born I was IN love with you. I have watched you grow, go through trying times and come out the strong and beautiful woman you are today. You will always be Daddy’s girl……*SIGH* Happy Birthday honey!

I will post pictures later. 🙂

06
Jun
09

redneck barbeques, talk shows and pain…oh my!!!

**I edited out the URL so “Dad” can’t find me through my talk show…please email me at murderous.thoughts@ymail.com and I will send you the link to the site!**

OK so first off my official website for my talk show is up… go to *email me for the site URL* 🙂 and check it out. I put a forum up and it’s not just for the show. I have also added threads for autistics and abuse survivors. The forum for the abuse survivors is private and password protected, so if you want to join that one so we can all talk in a private, loving place then email me for the password. 🙂  I’m really hoping the forum does well, I think it would be a great place to socialize, chit chat and of course as survivors talk in the private forum in safety–so go join up, post in the “Introduce Yourself” forum and let’s have some fun there!

Now…it’s an OMG moment. My daughter is dating a REALLY nice guy, he’s stylish, clean, loves her to pieces, is helpful to me and I really love him to pieces. So today is his mother’s birthday (I hadn’t ever met her before) and they invited myself and K over for a cookout and for K to swim with John’s (Mel’s b/f) nieces and nephews. I made her a homemade chocolate cake with buttercream frosting (wore myself out) and Mel came to pick us up. All I can say is—> 😐 It was honestly redneck central, I mean the one tooth in your head kind of rednecks (now I am not racist so don’t give me shit)–they were loud, around their house looked like the typical dirty yard–non-working vehicles, old appliances, the works. Needless to say that is SO not me. I am obsessively clean–so the whole time I was sitting there I was biting my lip, trying to keep myself from getting up and CLEANING the yard. His Mom was nice, but she drank WAY too much for me. She broke out the Mad Dog 20/20 first…tried to get me to drink with her, I nicely said “No thank you”. Then she brings out the Miller Lite Beer…again she tried to make me drink with her–I declined again. THEN she brings out the Southen Comfort  😐 of course I turned that one down too “Sorry, I can’t drink I am on heavy medications.” THEN her brother (The one that admitted to me he only has 2 teeth in his head haha) comes out in swim trunks with this big belly hanging out…a long beard and scraggly hair…and says to John’s mother “Girl you need to start brushing your teeth or you are gonna be like me”…uhh…I was overwhelmed and freaked out, I had to shut down and go into my own world for a bit–THANK God for my Autism! Mel noticed I was shutting down so she brought out the cake–she blew out her candles and THANK GOD we got to go home. The first thing I did was put K in the shower, get her clean then I got in HAHA. I am sooooo exhausted and overwhelmed by this day that I feel like I am in a semi-coma or something. I don’t socialize well as it is, but to be around that was just too much for my poor system. I am far too delicate for that LMAO.

Ok, this week my talk show is Thursday night at 9:00pm Eastern (My permanent day and time slot)…and my special guest is none other than my wife D, the original Frank ‘N Furter from the 8th Street Playhouse in NYC. She is responsible for helping to get the whole “cult” of Rocky Horror Picture Show started. She is going to talk about her experiences as Frank, with the whole Rocky Horror Experience AND her upcoming CD that will be out on i-tunes and Amazon this month!! She will be taking your calls and we will also have call ins from other 8th Street Playhouse people! This will be a VERY fun show, so I hope you all will tune in for the fun!

Ok, I am worn out–I have to go get K off my laptop (She’s playing at www.freerealms.com ) and get her teeth brushed and in the bed, then I am going to lay and rest. I sure need it.

25
May
09

good days…

SmilesMy good days are few and far between, but this weekend has been GOOD. I’ve smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time. My tummy is full and my mental state feels somewhat ok…somewhat ok for me, is actually really good.

My oldest daughter Mel came to see me and K today. We were watching old Saturday Night Live footage of Adam Sandler, John Belushi, etc. I had one girl on each side of me here on the bed, both being affectionate and we were all laughing. It felt GOOD. It’s nice to have a good time, rather than being depressed and crying, which I do everyday…

I feel sometimes that not enough GOOD things happen to me. I struggle every day with money worries, memories of my abuse, “Dad’s” sick phone calls. But then sometimes, if I wish hard enough and God is willing, an angel will fall from the sky 😉 and I smile and it’s good.

Today…..is good. God let it stay good, let me fall asleep peacefully with a small grin on my face.

03
May
09

so…on a lighter note.

I know my last post was crazy and well just crazy. I got some pain meds on friday, I am feeling some better, but the withdrawals took it out of me. I am still kind of shaky and antsy, sweats, but I would say 80% better. Thank GOD!

So this post is going to be happy. Yes I finally took pics of my apartment woo hoo! Hmmm, this will probably be a LONG ass post haha! Here we gooooo…

My balcony  (I love it).

balcony

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Views from my balcony. To the left is a daycare center, so I can watch the little ones play, I love that! To the right are nice trees and bushes!

viewfrombalcony

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

viewfrombalcony2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

View coming in from the balcony door…

viewfrombalconydoor2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

View coming in the front door…I kind of hate that you see the bathroom when you walk into the front door, but I always keep it locked, so no one will ever be able to walk in and see me nekkid getting out of the shower hahaha!

viewfromfrontdoor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To the right is my dining room and kitchen..

The dining room–

bookshelfindiningroom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

diningroom2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

View from the kitchen:

diningroom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My kitchen…

kitchen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kitchen1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kitchen2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kitchen3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My bathroom…

bathroom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My linen closet…

linencloset

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My bedroom…

mybedroomfromhallway

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

myroom2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mybedroomthechest

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My living room…

viewfromdiningroom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now for some cuteness! Last night my little girl helped me make a cake from scratch for the first time (I ALWAYS make my baked goods from scratch!). We made a Devil’s Food cake with Buttercream Frosting. We decided instead of Vanilla extract, we would use pure Orange extract (because we love the chocolate/orange together thing). It turned out really good! Here are some pics. The last pic will be of my little girl with my oldest daughters new pit bull puppy Zoe Moon.

Frosting Fingers..I love that smile!

Frosting Fingers..I love that smile!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mmm, the end result!

Mmm, the end result!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two cuties!

Two cuties!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok that’s it. I am going to be writing some blogs using your suggestions this week (and I am still open to more, so give ’em to me!), so watch out for them! I need to move, the antsy has set in again YUCK. I’m out…

29
Mar
09

it’s the little things that make me smile..

i_love_my_baby_girlLike when my little girl and I were sitting here on my bed playing Mystery Case Files:Ravenheart 2 together, I was having trouble seeing some of the hidden objects and I said something about my eyesight…and I am in HORRIBLE pain today, my upper back and neck are hurting so bad I have cried off and on all day. It was hurting so bad it was hard to play the game, she saw me wincing and reached her little hand back and started to rub my shoulders and neck…then I said “I am just falling apart all over aren’t I baby?”. She said, “You are still the greatest person in the world Daddy!!”. *SIGH* It made me teary eyed to hear her say that…she loves me no matter what. That’s true unconditional love..

Yeah..it’s those little things that keep me alive.

I’m out..

27
Mar
09

omg i am posting!

dog-tiredGod it’s been a hectic few days. I had my 2 MRI’s on Wednesday (already got the results as well and will talk about that in a few), the dye always makes me feel so shitty. Went to bed Wed. night and couldn’t really sleep because I felt so crappy. My sister has been having some major problems (not the one I am pissed at), so I get a phone call at 5:00am, she was screaming in pain, begging me to take her to the ER. As you know I am legally blind, and they took my license, but hearing my sister, who I do love, screaming in pain, I couldn’t say no…so we got her to her car, and I drove her car to the emergency room. We got there about 5:30am. They took her straight back, the doctor did blood cultures, etc. She has a major infection, so they sent her to emergency surgery to clean out the wound and put her in the hospital. Needless to say, it was just me and her there, I had to do things that a brother really doesn’t WANT to do, but I love her and did it anyhow. Like taking her clothes off, panties and all, and getting her into her hospital gown. I had to help her to the bathroom for a urine sample and hold the cup between her legs while she peed, because her pain was SO, SO bad. *SIGH* I did it all, I did it for her. I was SO pissed at her sorry husband though. Not only did he NOT go to the ER with us, he wasn’t there AT ALL. I was at the hospital with her ALL day yesterday, up until they finally got her out of surgery and up to her room. I was going to leave then, but she needed me. So I stayed a bit longer, helped her eat, got her all settled in her hospital bed. Checked her wound for her, all those good things. STILL her husband wasn’t there for her. I hope this makes her see that he is NOT dependable. GOD, I wish I could beat some sense into him, but I don’t think even that would do any good. ANYHOW, she is still in a lot of pain, but it’s some better. They have her on IV antibiotics and demerol for the pain. I just got off the phone with her and I think the surgeon is going to keep her at least another day, if not two, because they want to make sure all the infection is gone and not in her bloodstream.

I got home late yesterday afternoon and I was so exhausted that I ate a little and went to bed. I slept for 14 hours HAHA. I’m sick and weak and having to do all I did for my sister yesterday just zapped me. I am going to rest most of the day today because I promised my little girl I would take her to see Monsters VS. Aliens tonight HAHA. That will wear me out too, but it’s SO worth it! I love watching her get so excited when we get to do things together, I love making her happy! So we will probably go grab a bite to eat, go see my sister at the hospital, then head to the movies.

Now, my MRI. One good thing, there are no new tumors, THANK GOD, BUT, one of my small tumors IS growing, it’s grown about 3.2 CM. So they are going to want to do radiation and chemo again. I AM NOT doing chemo. I don’t know how long I have left, a day, a week, a month,  a year, but I do know I am not going to allow chemotherapy to ruin what little quality of life I do have. I will do their radiation, and hope that by itself will shrink the tumor. FUCK CHEMO! If the tumor doesn’t respond to the radiation, then it will just have to grow and grow until it takes me out. I can’t go through chemo again, I just can’t *SIGH*. There are some new lesions on my brain “consistent with trauma”, in the frontal lobe areas and the brain stem area. Which means the last time “Dad” paid me a visit a few months ago caused more trauma and damage to my brain. All these kicks, hits and stomps to my head over the years have really fucked up my brain *SIGH*. As if I need MORE problems with things like that. That motherfucker! I was already diagnosed with MTBI (mild traumatic brain injury) because of all the beatings over the years. He just HAD to cause more damage, didn’t he? *SIGH* I hate him SO much! Anyhow, enough about that bastard. So since there are no new tumors, they are going to check my heart and inner ears and see if we can find the reason for my extreme vertigo. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow is the monthly all nighter with my league at Pogo. We always have SO much fun when we have the all nighter. We run tournaments as long as we have players!! Last month we were up until 6:00am, and we all laughed until we hurt! If you play at Pogo.com  and want a fun, great league to join, just comment me here and I will give you the link. We are like a big family, we laugh and have fun all the time! So I can’t wait to do that tomorrow night, because I always laugh so much, and I always go to bed smiling.

Ok my hands are hurting. Going to stop typing for now. I am going to kick back, catch up on my House episodes and America’s Next Top Model (my guilty pleasure) episodes on Hulu.com and Joost.com(I am so addicted to these sites haha). If you guys are members, let me know and I can add you to my friends list there!

I’m out!

20
Mar
09

so I am here…

FUCK OFF!

FUCK OFF!

I had to fucking move all my posts and things here because some of my family think they have to follow me all over the fucking internet. Don’t they get that if I wanted them to read the things I write, or be at the sites I am at I would give them the URL’s or ask them to join me?? FUCK it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. I am so fucking sick of having to be censored, to have to worry all the time, and I am VERY fucking pissed that I had to move my blog, thank God for the import/export tool. I got to keep all your great comments and all of the posts I have written. Let’s just hope that this is the last time I have to move. I was so upset this morning when I got an email notification that my sister had found me on yet another site, and yeah this one had the URL to my other blog on it. WTF does she do? Google the fuck out of me and go 15-20 pages deep in to find me? GOOD GOD, just stop it. I want SOME privacy in my life, is that too much to ask? I don’t think it is. Hell I don’t follow her, my kids, my Dad around the internet, so JUST STOP IT ALREADY!! Let me ask you to PLEASE, PLEASE, keep it to yourself if you know my real identity, I need this like the air I breathe. I need this place to be uncensored, to let it all out.

 

*Take a deep breath* Anyhow. I am here. Let’s hope for good. I’ll write more later.




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