Posts Tagged ‘heartbreak


today…such sadness

I know I didn’t write about this when it happened, but today we bury a beautiful little girl *SIGH*. Let me back up and tell you what happened.

Tasha was sleeping on her Mom’s bed, her mom was out of the room for about 5 minutes, evidently in that time Tasha woke up, crawled to the window to look out, must have fallen and got caught between the bed and the wall and suffocated *SIGH*.

She was my daughter’s fiancee’s niece and my daughter and her fiancee were pretty much raising her, so we are ALL grieving and heartbroken. It just goes to show you how fragile life is, and how fast we can lose someone we love.

Tasha was such a happy baby, so full of life, so beautiful and ALWAYS smiled. She was just 16 days shy of her first birthday when she passed away. How UNFAIR is that?!?! She never got to live her life, she never got to have a birthday….I will never understand why a baby has to die. It hurts so much, it hurts when you hear of ANY child dying, but when it’s one your close to, it rips your heart out of your body.

I am tearful and sad, heartbroken. And the viewing/wake is at 5:00pm today. I DREAD seeing her in her little casket, in her little cream colored dress they picked out for her. She will look like a sleeping angel I just know it.

Ok, I have to go, I have my 7 year old in the shower, then I have to shower and get ready…. 😦 I DREAD THIS. God, why?

R.I.P. baby girl….you are with the Angels now. You will not be forgotten.




Protected: a letter to my family…(getting it out)

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Can only go up from here.

Let’s see…in the past two weeks I have been betrayed, started dialysis and some new medications,  been abused again by “dad”, cleared my life of bullshit “friends” and stalkers on myspace and nearly lost someone who means the world to me. To say I can only go up from here is an understatement I suppose. I am at rock bottom, I have never felt so low nor been so low in my life. I want goodness and love in my life from now on. I am tired of crying until I feel I might burst, I am tried of feeling like my heart is so shattered that I will never be able to put it back together. I want to move on.

Dori–I love you, I can’t say much more than that. You know how much, or you should. I try very hard to be upbeat and happy in spite of my illness and emotional struggles. I know some days I fail miserable at that, but even in the misery of myself, I still love you. We are solid, and we will survive all of this mess. I have faith in that. We haven’t come this far to just give up.

Steve–You betrayed me in the worst possible ways, you threw away a friendship that spanned so many years, age 9 remember? It blows my mind that you would do the things you did, say the things you said. I will NEVER understand why, and until you can give me a DAMN good explanation I don’t want to see you, hear from you or talk to you. You have shattered me. Thanks.

Kevin–I know you are so put in the middle of all of this and I am sorry. I love you so much, I have since that day we met on the playground when we were 8 years old. You are so good to me and I will NEVER be able to repay you for all you have done, all you will continue to do. You are a shining star, with the biggest heart I have ever seen.

“Dad”– FUCK YOU, you have NO MORE power over me. I have given you far too much already. You brainwashed me from the day I was born and I am sick of falling down to my knees like a little boy every time you approach me. NO MORE. You will not hurt me again, not mentally, physically, sexually. NO NO NO. I am done–no more. No more. Go away, just go away.

I am taking the night off of DJing, I am too emotionally fucked tonight to put 100% into it and I won’t do it if I can’t give my listeners my full attention. I am worn down from crying, I haven’t slept and I just need today to rest and recoup. I will try to be on air again tomorrow night.

I want no more bullshit in my life, no more stalkers, no more false friends. I want love, kindness, understanding and compassion. Period. I want to live out whatever life I have left in peace and happiness. I don’t think that is too much to ask. So–it’s only UP from here. I know I will have depressed days from my illness and treatments, that is to be expected and it’s natural. What is not natural is letting people hurt me over and over again. I am NO LONGER a doormat. I say NO MORE. I only want nice people in my life. So if you are nice, talk to me, if not, please–go away.



Tell me how someone can be a friend/lover/whatever and just walk away, with no explanation? How does one do that? I just can’t understand it. If you have been friends for years, how do you just turn your back and just leave? If you have been lovers, how do you just say “I don’t want to be with you anymore”, with no explanation? It all makes no sense to me. I have had this happen to me more times than I can say. *sigh* It hurts, it hurts deeply.

I guess a lot of people can’t handle my illness. I didn’t ask for this, I don’t like it, and I really don’t like that it makes people run from me. I need friends in my life, especially at this stage. I need support and love. I don’t need to be screwed over six ways to Sunday, with no regards to my feelings.

Maybe I am not lovable anymore, not worthy of love and friendship, that is sure how it makes me feel when people just walk away.  It makes me wonder what I did wrong, or did I do anything wrong? Did I say something wrong, did I do something? Or is it simply my being sick that makes people walk? Was “dad” right, am I really this piece of shit, not worthy of love or affection? I guess when people just walk away without a word, without an explanation it is a form of abuse, it has to be right?

Is being a sex object, a verbal/physical punching bag or friend when it’s convenient all I am? Is this what defines my life? God.

When things like this happen, it makes it much easier to make decisions about my life, treatments that keep me going, etc. It makes me want to get this life over with as fast as possible, without affecting my soul’s entry to Heaven. Fuck this is hard, and so very confusing. I am shattered, once again. This time, can I be put back together again? I don’t know, I just do not know.

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