Posts Tagged ‘leukemia

19
Jul
09

just some random blathering…

Well, tomorrow I start week 3 of this continous chemotherapy drip. IT SUCKS. I have been through 5 rounds in 10 years and other than the first one they did to prep me for the bone marrow transplant this is THE worst. It makes me hurt ALL over. Even my skin hurts, it’s like the nerves are on edge or something. My clothes hurt to wear, the bedsheets hurt…I HATE it.

As I said in my other post, I shaved my head, I couldn’t watch it  just slowly fall out, it is just too painful. Now I am losing other body hair…I am pretty hairless naturally, no chest hair, back hair, butt cheek hair (haha). But I am losing my arm pit hair, and uhh, other places. I don’t like it. I DO NOT like it.  So what’s next–well my eyebrows and eyelashes…then I will look like a total fuckin’ alien.

My mother saw me the other day and just cried when she saw the bandana on my head. She said, “God baby, you’ve been through so much.”, heh, yeah, what an understandment. I’ve been through TOO much. My body isn’t what it used to be, and every fucking treatment they do on me weakens me more…weakens my body more. AH well, so goes life huh?

I know some of you think I don’t care, but I DO. So don’t give up on me…..I know some of you probably have, *sighs*. OK I can’t go there today, it will just  upset me. I have lost so many friends because of my illness, they either can’t handle it, or if I don’t do what they expect of me, they get upset and leave. It hurts and I can’t do this today. I can’t handle the upset….

Ok I think WordPress has a thing where you can rate my posts, blog, comments, etc. So have at it, just be nice for pete sakes hehe.

I’m out.

Advertisements
15
Jul
09

hair today..gone tomorrow..

Well, I woke up this morning with quite a bit of hair on my pillow *SIGH*. I then went to put it up in a ponytail, ran my fingers through my hair and came back with huge chunks of it.  I can’t slowly watch my hair leave me yet AGAIN, so I went into the bathroom, cut what I could and put it in a bag to give to Locks Of Love then buzz cut it, and shaved it slick. Yeah, I cried the whole time…

I hate cancer, I really hate it. I have puked so much, my eye whites are bloodied, every muscle in my body aches…I am so weak I can barely open a coke can. Cancer takes so much from a person, it’s a horrible disease, and I REALLY wish they would give up the cure for it. I know it’s out there……somewhere.

So yeah, all my long beautiful hair is gone again…and I sit here typing to you bald and wondering when the rest of my body hair is going to fall out.

I’m out.

11
Jul
09

eeeeeeeep!!

EEEP

 All I can see is “EEEEP” geez…I am weird with that number–so SOMEONE freaking comment and get rid of it! hahaha…

Not typing a big post, I am not feeling good, I am very weak, this chemo is REALLY getting to me. I am having bad sweats, nausea, weakness, PAIN all over my fucking body, so much pain anything touching my skin hurts..my clothing, the bed sheets..BLAH.

I’m going to shower….ta ta for now.

06
Jul
09

it begins…..again.

cancerSUCKSWell they started my continous chemo drip this morning…I’m already feeling kind of shitty, I hate these awful meds running through my system. I DO NOT want to lose my hair GOD 😦 . I guess I will find out in about 2 weeks, huh?

I will do 4 days of the continous drip, then 3 days off and taking Prednisone. I hate steroids too, they make me VERY emotional, make me want to eat everything in sight. My oldest said they turn me into a bitch HAHAHA. This cycle will go on for 6 weeks. I HOPE it gets everything under control. GOD I have fought this shit for almost 10 years now.

Sometimes I get sick of fighting, but then I look at my wife, my kids, my family and I HAVE to keep trying…if I was alone, no family, I would just let nature take it’s course and finally be free of not only this disease, but my “Dad”. WOW, how nice that would feel, to be disease and pain free…to be rid of the monster in my life (aka–“Dad”). To be healed and have no scars on my body….ah one day. One day we will ALL be perfect again, happy and FREE. That will be wonderful, huh?

I had to go to the grocery store today for my monthly shop. I didn’t even make it halfway through the store and I was so weak I could barely walk. I am stubborn and REALLY don’t want to have to use my wheelchair or one of those motorized carts at the store, but it seems I am going to have to swallow my pride and use ’em, because right now I am in a LOT  of pain and so weak. YUCK, YUCK!!!!!

Ok enough complaining. I am alive, I have my family and I have love, so I AM happy…

I’m out…

02
Jun
09

more poking and prodding….

I am off to see one of my doctors (my internist)…It’s time for more poking and prodding. Every time I go, I have so much blood work it’s a wonder I am left with ANY…and they always do an arterial stick…if you have ever had one you know how painful it is. Mine are deep and they have a hard time getting to the artery…they either go for it in your wrist or groin, it fucking HURTS. Every time they do it, I sweat, shake, vomit, then faint *SIGH*, so they always leave that for the last and have me lay down to try to get it in the wrist…GOD I am shaking  just thinking about it.

I am having other problems I need to talk about with him too. I am having some intense pain under my ribs on my right side, I REALLY hope it’s not my pancreas or liver…I had my gallbladder and appendix removed when I was a teenager so I know it’s not that… 😦 I am also having some really bad pain in my lower right leg, in my shin. I hope that’s not a blood clot or P.A.D. I swear, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. My body is falling apart, slowly but surely.

I have some other things I want to blog about, but that will come when I get home, if I have then energy, if not it will be tomorrow…

Ok I gotta go, my sis is here to take me to the dr….I’m out.

13
May
09

32 to go…

CancerSucks1Day three of radiation and it’s already making me so fatigued and weak. The last time I did radiation it took about a week to make me feel like shit, but this time it started on day one. I have puked in the radiation room so far all three days *SIGH*. I went to bed last night at 7:30pm and slept until about 6:30 this morning. That is NOT me. I usually don’t go to bed until late and sleep about 4-6 hours. Yesterday, I did nothing, I just laid on my bed most of the day…my daughter and her boyfriend Jon brought me a subway club sandwich or I wouldn’t have even eaten yesterday.

I am sitting here doing dialysis, blood in, blood out. That wears me out too. The two combined are awful. I don’t want to end up just laying in the bed for the next 7 weeks. I want to get my station started, I have league stuff I need to do….AHHHHHH I hate this!!! I don’t know what is worse, the headaches and seizures or the radiation. They wanted me to do chemo too, GOOD GOD, there is no way I could even function if I had said yes to the chemo AGAIN. I swore the last time I did it I would never do it again…I’ve had too much chemo for any one person….no more. I don’t care what they say. If chemo is the only thing to save me then I will just go out gracefully….

I think I need more zofran for my nausea, my phenegran is not working. My doctor will write it, but I can’t afford to pay for it *le sigh*. I am so sick of this…I want my fucking disability already and my medicaid!! I need Medicaid so bad, it will not only pay for most of my meds and my dialysis supplies, but it will also pay for the pump to hook to my feeding tube that will do it slow and RIGHT. When I do it myself I do it too fast and it makes me hurt so bad I think I will die…gives me sweats, cramps that are so bad they make me curl up in a ball and cry. It will also pay for the surgery on my spine/neck to help me…my arms are getting worse because of the disc in my neck pushing on the nerve root. It’s painful and makes my arms so weak it’s hard to type, hard to pick up anything…my left hand/arm is the worst and I am left-handed…it pisses me off. If it’s not one thing, it’s another hitting me.

When are better days going to come for me? I just want a few good days in all this shit. Just a few–I don’t think that’s too much to ask, is it? I’m so frustrated, so tired…somedays I am tired of suffering and fighting for my life. It is getting harder and harder to handle. Before I could push myself, make myself do it…right now I feel I have no purpose, I am not DJing right now…I miss it. It made me feel like I had a purpose–like I was “working”. I miss working..I NEED to DJ…I need to have something to make me push myself…ah well…

Ok, I am done typing. Going to play a game or watch TV on Hulu or Joost I guess, if I can stay awake 😐 . I’m out….

BTW–If any of you bought Fuze Slenderize drinks, their is a lawsuit against them. You can file a claim HERE <–click. I love Fuze, never had the slenderize…but if any of YOU did, file your claims now.

12
Mar
09

cancer…

for my D..I love you. I am sorry my illness is so very fucking hard. Thank you for staying by my side through it all..

That’s it for now…




Bloglisting.net - The internets fastest growing blog directory

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Creative Commons License
The Boy Was Tired Of It All... by V is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at https://murderousthoughts.wordpress.com

who has been visiting?

how many have entered my mind?

  • 25,096 victims
December 2018
M T W T F S S
« Oct    
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31  
Advertisements