Posts Tagged ‘marriage

09
Aug
09

two in one post…….

Today I have 2 anniversaries–

I lost my Papa 35 years ago today, but the pain of losing him has never lessened. I always ache for him, I always miss him and I always wonder what my life would have been like if he wasn’t taken away from me. For years I was angry at him for leaving me, now I just feel a void inside, and a piece of my heart died with him. HIS piece of my heart. Papa, I miss you terribly bad, I really wish you were here, I need you so much, especially right now. One day, I will see you again and I can’t wait for one of those amazing hugs you used to give me….I love you, my Papa. FOREVER.

missyou

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is mine and D’s 3rd anniversary. We are starting on year four together. D–I love you and I always will. Nothing could change that. You are imprinted on my heart and my soul. I know I am not quite the man you married, and I am sorry for that. Cancer has taken it’s toll on me. I am not the pretty, long haired boy you fell in love with. Sometimes I feel like a shell of that….but cancer hasn’t changed my love for you. Nothing could change it…it only grows. I don’t know what else to say, except Happy Anniversary and I love you…..

anniversary-love-you-more

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14
May
09

childhood dreams…

D and V--drawn by D

D and V--drawn by D

This post is for my wife D. When we were both little we dreamt of each other.  We knew the other was out there. She was seeing me/dreaming of me before I was even born…We are true soul mates, our love is deep and it’s forever. This is one of her favorite songs–she has dedicated it to me more than once on my radio shows…it’s her song to me. It came on my winamp today and I thought—why not do something special for her, just because. So here you go honey. I love you…more than you could ever imagine. You are the most beautiful thing in the world, you are so kind, so loving, so patient, intelligent..I could go on and on. Never forget baby our love is everlasting..forever and a day….

Mmmm it just started to rain here, a nice warm rain. Shall we go dance in it honey???

BTW–It’s my first try at making a video for youtube, so don’t critique me too much hahahaha.

08
May
09

happy 4th anniversary..D and V for ever..

 

 

V And D Forever!

V And D Forever!

 

 

 

4 years ago today D and I met at deviantArt. I had written a blog about living with cancer and she found it after I commented on one of her “V for Vendetta” art pieces she had drawn. She sent me a simple note, not knowing if I was male or female…she said “you have cancer, talk to me….”. I wrote her back a long note back…we started talking back and forth on deviantArt in notes then took it to email, then to Yahoo Voice haha. We fell in love fast, because we are truesoul mates, I had dreamt about her when I was YOUNG, I remember telling Kevin when we were about 10 years old that there was a woman for me out there, my soul mate and one day I would find her. I did, she finally found me…rescued me. We met in May and married in August, on Aug. 9th the anniversary of my Papa’s death. I felt him telling me to marry her then….so we waited until that date…as I said in previous blog, I FELT him there as we read our vows to each other, he was smiling down on us.

Her love for me blew me away. Her devotion and how she listened to me as FINALLY I poured out my stories of my abuse. Things I had never told ANYONE. So many nights of talking, crying and loving as I purged…she was my rock. She has never judged me for anything I’ve ever said or done. She just holds me and lets me get it out…loving me more with every minute. I don’t know how I lived my life before without her in it. It’s almost like I don’t have a “past” with other people…only her and I.

Some people said we wouldn’t make it…(assholes). Well LOOK we made it, and we will be together forever, in this life and OUR heaven. I love you baby, forever and a day…thank you for loving me…

All souls last forever– so we need never fear goodbye…
a kiss when I must go… in time, we kiss hello…

20
Nov
08

Can only go up from here.

Let’s see…in the past two weeks I have been betrayed, started dialysis and some new medications,  been abused again by “dad”, cleared my life of bullshit “friends” and stalkers on myspace and nearly lost someone who means the world to me. To say I can only go up from here is an understatement I suppose. I am at rock bottom, I have never felt so low nor been so low in my life. I want goodness and love in my life from now on. I am tired of crying until I feel I might burst, I am tried of feeling like my heart is so shattered that I will never be able to put it back together. I want to move on.

Dori–I love you, I can’t say much more than that. You know how much, or you should. I try very hard to be upbeat and happy in spite of my illness and emotional struggles. I know some days I fail miserable at that, but even in the misery of myself, I still love you. We are solid, and we will survive all of this mess. I have faith in that. We haven’t come this far to just give up.

Steve–You betrayed me in the worst possible ways, you threw away a friendship that spanned so many years, age 9 remember? It blows my mind that you would do the things you did, say the things you said. I will NEVER understand why, and until you can give me a DAMN good explanation I don’t want to see you, hear from you or talk to you. You have shattered me. Thanks.

Kevin–I know you are so put in the middle of all of this and I am sorry. I love you so much, I have since that day we met on the playground when we were 8 years old. You are so good to me and I will NEVER be able to repay you for all you have done, all you will continue to do. You are a shining star, with the biggest heart I have ever seen.

“Dad”– FUCK YOU, you have NO MORE power over me. I have given you far too much already. You brainwashed me from the day I was born and I am sick of falling down to my knees like a little boy every time you approach me. NO MORE. You will not hurt me again, not mentally, physically, sexually. NO NO NO. I am done–no more. No more. Go away, just go away.

I am taking the night off of DJing, I am too emotionally fucked tonight to put 100% into it and I won’t do it if I can’t give my listeners my full attention. I am worn down from crying, I haven’t slept and I just need today to rest and recoup. I will try to be on air again tomorrow night.

I want no more bullshit in my life, no more stalkers, no more false friends. I want love, kindness, understanding and compassion. Period. I want to live out whatever life I have left in peace and happiness. I don’t think that is too much to ask. So–it’s only UP from here. I know I will have depressed days from my illness and treatments, that is to be expected and it’s natural. What is not natural is letting people hurt me over and over again. I am NO LONGER a doormat. I say NO MORE. I only want nice people in my life. So if you are nice, talk to me, if not, please–go away.




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