Posts Tagged ‘misery



keepmesafewhilesleepThanks “Dad” for fucking me up in so many ways. I can’t sleep, I am in what I call my “dad induced insomnia” period again. I am beyond exhausted, to the point of it affecting my body and mind, but I CANNOT sleep. I get scared, and I just KNOW if I sleep before the sun starts to come up I might die. *SIGH* Thanks “Dad” for causing this in me by sneaking into my bedroom in the night and threatening me if I made a sound as you raped and tortured me. I really appreciate these unending nights, up alone, staring at the computer screen until I feel I might go blind–just to try to get rid of the thoughts and memories of YOU, you fucker!! Why did you do this to me? Why can’t I just be normal for ONE day??

I know what set me off, I heard a sound outside, behind my apartment, I looked out from my upstairs window but you can’t see the patio area below. I just KNEW it was “Dad” again, coming to hurt me. I called a cop that has been really great since the last “episode” with Dad not too long ago. He will come when I am scared and patrol around, check things out. He told me he saw nothing, but did that help me? NOPE. My mind kicked into overdrive and I just KNEW “Dad” must have seen him coming and hid, that he was just waiting for him to leave so he could get into my apartment and hurt me again. So here I fucking sit at 5:20 AM, just waiting for a peek of daylight so I can lay down and rest. I am hurting all over, my eyes are burning, I feel so fucking sleepy. I know this routine all too well. Usually once the “Dad” insomnia kicks in, it lasts from a few days to a month, fuck!!! I am too sick for this right now!

“Dad” I really thank hate you for fucking up my mind at such a young age. You really screwed up my whole life! You trained me well, didn’t you, you motherfucker!! I hope YOU are happy, because I sure as hell am NOT! I am miserable, I have went from pure anger to crying tonight because of  YOU!! Why can’t you just GO AWAY, stop your obsession with me. JUST STOP IT!

God, I am exhausted….

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