Posts Tagged ‘pain

11
Sep
09

where were you?

 

When it happened, I was going through chemo, I had woken up feeling sick and turned on the TV. I was shocked, I thought it was some kind of sick joke at first…then I cried, now I sit here crying again. None of us will ever be the same after that day….I remember….
 

 

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16
Aug
09

Life…

Well, life is just life right now. My pain is pretty bad, it seems to be getting worse. The degenerative problems with my spine are worse and my dr. thinks that something (a disc) is pushing on a nerve root in my lower back. I can’t stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time. It SUCKS. I am having what they call “occipital migraines” you can google it. It’s scary and I am not just having them occasionally, I am having 2 or 3 a DAY. I am calling my doctor in the morning so I can go see him about it. Something isn’t right, I hope we can find out what IS causing me to have them so frequently.

My Idol

My Idol

I do have to say I am on CLOUD NINE interview with my idol Ace Frehley! We seemed to get on well and he was laughing and stuff with me. When he mentioned the tour, I told him he had to come to Kentucky and he said something like “Yes and you need to be backstage”. WOOO HOOOOO! I am also talking to his awesome publicist Kymm and she is sending me the CD when it drops in September. I got to review the CD before the interview, and I listened to the whole thing and I have to say it’s AMAZING. There are a couple of surprise songs on there that I love like, “A little below the angels” and “Change the world”, “gengis khan” was also great. YOU need to pick up Anomaly when it comes out on September 15th. I am also working on getting a few other HUGE celebs in on the show. I can’t say who yet, but keep watching my tweets! 😉

I just want to say to Ace, thank you sooo much for letting me interview, for being so nice and caring. I appreciate it more than you know. Any other interview I have after this one will pale in comparison haha. Ace you are, as you always will be, my idol. YOU are the one who inspired me to play guitar, your music solo and with KISS got me through such a bad childhood…oh hell I just don’t have the words, just THANK YOU!

I’m tired now…..I’m out.

06
Aug
09

more memories of childhood…

Little warning–This may be triggering to abuse survivors…so read with caution.

 

We used to go to the country to visit Mom and Dad’s parents when I was young. We would go a few times a year. Dad’s parents lived on a farm–they treated me like crap, but I loved the farm, the barn, the horses, cows, etc. So when we would visit his parents I pretty much stayed out on the farm, hanging out quietly in the loft of the barn, I loved the peace and quiet of it all.

One day I was up in the loft of the barn and I heard my Dad and Uncle Jimmy calling for me. As you probably have read, every time I heard Dad’s voice fear swept through me. I sat quietly not answering them until I heard them getting closer to the barn. I knew if he found me and knew I intentionally didn’t answer him I would have been in trouble. So I climbed out of the loft and went to him and my uncle. My uncle said “We want to show you something.” I cautiously followed them towards the house to this big tree that had some table like things made of wood. I had never known exactly what those things were and never really cared to ask, unfortunately that day I found out what they were used for.

Dad and Uncle Jimmy had been out hunting and had killed a deer and a couple of squirrels. I was horrified to see the squirrels dead, lying on this wooden table thing. “We’re gonna teach you how to clean a squirrel, it will make a man out of you.” my Uncle said. I started to shake and back up. Dad told me to stay still, watch and learn. I started to quietly cry as my uncle cut into the poor little squirrel. I felt vomit rising up as he started to gut it. I want to run, but every time I would start to back up again, my Dad would give me the “look” and I would stop and cry a little harder.  Then Jimmy pulled out the heart of the squirrel and held it in his hand telling me to look at it. I just stared, I couldn’t say a word, I think I was in shock, because it reminded me of what happened with my puppy Frisky. Suddenly Jimmy yells out “Catch!!!” and threw the squirrel heart as hard as he could and it hit me in the face and BURST.  I didn’t even know a heart could BURST like that! Blood was all over me, the blow knocked me to the ground, dazed and terrified. Dad and Jimmy just LAUGHED at me.

I finally came to my senses and started to scream. My mother heard me and ran outside to see me on the ground with blood all over me. She knelt beside me on the ground and asked what the fuck happened and Jimmy said “Well I told him to catch it”. My mom stood up and got in his face and said “If you EVER do anything like this to my son again, I will have your balls in a jar, do you fucking understand me?”.  He just laughed again. She told Dad she was leaving,  he could stay with his stupid family if he wanted to, but we were getting in the car and going back to my Gramma and Grandpa’s house (Mom’s parents). She left Dad standing there with his stupid brother. We went to Gramma’s house and she bathed me and held me while I cried and cried. I hated Dad and my Uncle even more that day and I knew I would NEVER hurt an animal, I would NEVER hunt an animal and I would NEVER go back to that house again…..

I hate guns, I hate hunting and I hate my Dad and Uncle for doing yet another thing to fuck up my mind.

01
Aug
09

where do *I* fit in?

sadnessI feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. It seems I lose friends left and right….people tell me they care, but then when I am down and out..sick, they don’t bother to contact me to see if I am ok. They get upset with me if I can’t do the things they think I should do…it is very disheartening.

I can’t really use myspace anymore, because of what happened with that person who lied to me and hurt me so badly. I don’t feel comfortable at myspace. I signed up at Facebook and hoped to make friends with people, especially D’s friends. I wanted to fit in there, but I don’t. I have come to that realization. I just don’t fit in. I tried.  I tried being nice to people, commenting on their status messages, notes, pictures, etc., but then if I write something it goes virtually ignored.  So I guess I don’t fit in there.

Now I find I don’t fit in with my family either. My sisters never come to check on me, call me..nothing. One will only call me if she thinks I have some money to try and bum me. The other sister only calls to try to get my pain pills, Neurontin, Tramadol from me. They go out to the movies, they go out to eat, they never offer to take me, they never bring me food. It’s pretty much always been that way and I try to accept it, but somedays it just HURTS.

Then today, I got rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. Mel and her fiancee were here and I heard them talking about taking his mom out shopping today and going out to eat Mexican. Mel goes “Oh I have enough of my own money to pay for Dad and K’s food, so they should go with us!”.  K got very excited and actually I did too, first because Mel thought to invite us and secondly because we are so low on food there’s barely anything to eat here. Her fiancee says “I have to use the bathroom.”, and calls Mel in there. About five minutes later, she comes out and says “I will just take you and K next week.”  I just looked at her in disbelief–then her fiancee came in here and said “Well Mom might get upset if we invite you without like a days notice.” I was fucking stunned. I was rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. WTF?  What is it? Am I too hideous to look at because I lost my hair? Because I have the “brown circles of chemo”? Are you all ashamed to be seen with me? Or is it that I am not worth spending money on?

I feel like I don’t fit in ANYWHERE. Anywhere except these four walls of my apartment. I NEVER get to go out to dinner because I never have the money. I would LOVE to just sit in a restaurant and order food and eat there. But that isn’t going to happen I guess, because firstly I have no money to take myself and K…and two I am evidently not good enough to have someone PAY for me to eat out. To get me out of this apartment.

Fuck it, somedays I wonder why I fight so hard to stay alive when I don’t fit in ANYWHERE.

I’m out. I have to go find K something to eat and I guess tonight will be another night I go hungry…….

19
Jul
09

just some random blathering…

Well, tomorrow I start week 3 of this continous chemotherapy drip. IT SUCKS. I have been through 5 rounds in 10 years and other than the first one they did to prep me for the bone marrow transplant this is THE worst. It makes me hurt ALL over. Even my skin hurts, it’s like the nerves are on edge or something. My clothes hurt to wear, the bedsheets hurt…I HATE it.

As I said in my other post, I shaved my head, I couldn’t watch it  just slowly fall out, it is just too painful. Now I am losing other body hair…I am pretty hairless naturally, no chest hair, back hair, butt cheek hair (haha). But I am losing my arm pit hair, and uhh, other places. I don’t like it. I DO NOT like it.  So what’s next–well my eyebrows and eyelashes…then I will look like a total fuckin’ alien.

My mother saw me the other day and just cried when she saw the bandana on my head. She said, “God baby, you’ve been through so much.”, heh, yeah, what an understandment. I’ve been through TOO much. My body isn’t what it used to be, and every fucking treatment they do on me weakens me more…weakens my body more. AH well, so goes life huh?

I know some of you think I don’t care, but I DO. So don’t give up on me…..I know some of you probably have, *sighs*. OK I can’t go there today, it will just  upset me. I have lost so many friends because of my illness, they either can’t handle it, or if I don’t do what they expect of me, they get upset and leave. It hurts and I can’t do this today. I can’t handle the upset….

Ok I think WordPress has a thing where you can rate my posts, blog, comments, etc. So have at it, just be nice for pete sakes hehe.

I’m out.

15
Jul
09

hair today..gone tomorrow..

Well, I woke up this morning with quite a bit of hair on my pillow *SIGH*. I then went to put it up in a ponytail, ran my fingers through my hair and came back with huge chunks of it.  I can’t slowly watch my hair leave me yet AGAIN, so I went into the bathroom, cut what I could and put it in a bag to give to Locks Of Love then buzz cut it, and shaved it slick. Yeah, I cried the whole time…

I hate cancer, I really hate it. I have puked so much, my eye whites are bloodied, every muscle in my body aches…I am so weak I can barely open a coke can. Cancer takes so much from a person, it’s a horrible disease, and I REALLY wish they would give up the cure for it. I know it’s out there……somewhere.

So yeah, all my long beautiful hair is gone again…and I sit here typing to you bald and wondering when the rest of my body hair is going to fall out.

I’m out.

14
Jul
09

blah! and WOW (edited)

blahI couldn’t sleep last night, I’m tired, frustrated, sick to my stomach, yet so hungry, I have a headache, I need to clean my apartment, get ready for TWO shows this week. I am having a very special show tomorrow night about Juvenile Arthritis, so tune in for that!

Blah anyhow…I have to go now and TRY to make myself eat something, TRY to clean my apartment and TRY to get my shit done. I don’t feel like it. All I really want to do is medicate myself and go back to bed… I HATE CHEMO!

*edit*

I just went to Pogo to check on things and I went to read Ms. Netiquette’s column (I read it every week haha) And was shocked to see the letter I wrote to her there. I didn’t figure it would get published this fast, if at ALL. So I was pleasantly surprised! haha Anyhow, here is the letter and her response. Now I am gone to get my stuff done!

letter

I’m out.




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