sick, sick people…

I am so fucking sick of the pedophiles. I am sick of reading about them and their sickness, I am sick of being torn into shreds everytime I see something in the news. I SO want to go out and …well let’s just say I have nice vengeance fantasies of things I would like to do to all the pedophiles of the world.

First case– Fritzl the sick bastard who held his daughter captive for 24 years!  TWENTY FOUR freakin’ years of raping her, fathering 7 children with her (how SICK), allowing one of those poor children to DIE. I know you’ve probably read all about it, but MY GOD, I have to wonder about his wife, the authorities. I mean first off, he takes 3 of the children to live “upstairs” telling his wife that they were found in a cardboard box left by his daughter who he had told authorities ran away to join a cult. It happens not once, not twice, but THREE times and the wife never became suspicious? COME ON! They had renters that lived in that house, that were told to never go in the basement, his wife never entered the basement for TWENTY FOUR years? Give me a big break. The courts in Austria allowed this sick fuck and his wife to adopt these three children, no questions asked? WTF? I find that VERY hard to swallow.

He left the other three children down in the dungeon he created with their mother for all those  years. Those poor children had never seen daylight. They said Fritzl would taunt those babies with pictures and tales of the “upstairs” children and how it looked outside, etc. Can you get ANY MORE cruel? MY GOD.  Then to top it ALL off, he wants to blame his abusive childhood for raping and enslaving his daughter for TWENTY FOUR years. I am sorry I don’t buy that load of crap. I was horrifically abused as a child, much more horrific than I have told any of you on this blog and I have NEVER, I repeat NEVER abused a child and I never would. Do I have problems because of my abuse? HELL YES, but I would never put another human being, especially a child through what I’ve been through. Just admit you are a sick fuck Josef Fritzl and stop blaming your past as an abused child for your sickness. If the oldest child hadn’t have gotten so ill, they would all still be in that prison…*sigh* Unfortunately the kid is still very ill. I just pray that the child gets better and that Elisabeth and all the children can get the help they all need and lead semi normal lives. My heart goes out to them all.

THEN I see this sick shit just the other day, it turned my stomach and made me cry for the children involved.  These two sick fucks were babysitting children out of their Indiana home. Too bad that babysitting wasn’t all they were doing. The sick fucks were molesting the children and VIDEOTAPING it. YES the woman was involved too (I will talk more about how I feel with women being pedophiles in just a bit). The children were ALL under the age of six and one was TWO MONTHS OLD. GOD, what the fuck?? They said the initial raid on the house turned up several computers, cameras, pornographic materials, drugs, sex toys and videotape of BOTH of them in various sex acts with at least four children. Oh, did I forget to tell you, the two month old was her OWN DAUGHTER?????? He, Stephen Quick, has been charged with 3 counts of child molestation and one count of child exploitation. She, Samantha Light, has been charged with 4 counts of child molestation and one count of child exploitation. What will they end up with? A slap on the wrist? Some probation? WTF ever.

I am sure you have also heard of the 26 people arrested for being on a website run by pedophiles that were streaming LIVE child molestation? There are forums for pedophiles all over the internet, where they teach each other how to groom/molest innocent children. They pass around videos and photos of children being raped, they get together and BRAG about raping/molesting these children!! They have their websites where they try to legalize adult/child “love”, yeah let’s just try to legalize the RAPE of children!!! How sick is that? 

I AM SO SICK OF pedophiles, I mentioned that before didn’t I? Everyday I wonder how many of MY child pictures or videos that “Dad” took/made are passed around to fucking pedophiles. How many of them have gotten off looking at pictures of my child body being RAPED? Of seeing video of my “Dad” and some others raping me? Hold on I am going to vomit.

*SIGH* Ok…I am back. You see, I wasn’t just raped/tortured/beaten by my “Dad”. He liked to pass me around to his “friends”, oh yeah, I was a child whore for my “Dad” and these other pedophiles. Yes, one of them was a couple, a man and a woman. I remember seeing her and thinking in my child mind that this woman might help me, I mean a woman/mother figure should help an innocent child that is being raped/beaten/molested, right? No, she didn’t help me, she helped herself to MY BODY. I was made to perform sex acts on HER. That really fucked up my child mind, it still fucks me up to this day. So I know from experience that you can trust NO ONE. Women, men, doesn’t matter. Policemen/women, clergy, teachers, coaches, family members, it doesn’t matter. ANYONE can be a pedophile.

I think they should be killed, period. It’s been proven time and time again that they cannot be rehabilitated, they DO re-offend. KILL THEM, take their sick asses out of the gene pool please. If they are caught once, for God sakes, don’t let them out to hurt yet ANOTHER child. Some people say “castrate them!”. Sure, that is ok too, in a slow painful way, maybe with a dull knife, but castration of a pedophile isn’t going to do any good. They are SICK in the head, they don’t need a dick to molest a child. They have hands, objects, things like that. Our sex offender registry (as good as it is to be able to find pedophiles in your area) isn’t working. It just doesn’t. How many times do you read in the news how a child was abducted, raped, tortured and killed by one of these sick fuckers, and how they find out after that child is dead that the perpetrator was a registered sex offender? It happens more than I even want to think about.

Our justice system does not do NEAR enough to protect children. People STILL in this day and time, turn a blind eye to children being hurt. They don’t want to have to face it. So they leave kids to be hurt again and again AND AGAIN! Our social services system is SO flawed. They take a child out of the home for a parent spanking a child. By spanking, I mean a swat on the hiney with a hand, but they will send a child back home to a parent who is abusing/molesting them. They want to preserve the family unit when possible. OH yeah sure, let’s send that child back to be violated 6 ways to Sunday, as long as the family unit is there it’s all good, right? OH FUCK YOU. Protect the children already. People don’t turn that blind eye, if you even SUSPECT a child is being hurt, TELL SOMEONE! You can even do it anonymously, please just do it. YOU could save a child.

Ack I am shaking, this is triggering and upsetting to me. I am just sick to death of every time I look at the news I see a story about yet another child fucker. Kill them already, take them out and make this world a bit of a safer place for children…..I’m done, and I need to go breathe.

Madness Is The Gift That Has Been Given To Me..(A letter to my “Dad”)

I sit here and I realize that yes..my madness is a gift, a gift from my dear old Dad.  So I am going to write you here “DAD”, I know you are reading, aren’t you? You want my attention? You’ve got it….enjoy.

Dear Dad–

Yes, part of me is mad. I have the madness and YOU gave it to me. Does it make you happy? Does it give you a hard-on? Do you sit all day and jerk off thinking of all the bad things you’ve done to me over the years? Do you have more pics and video you recorded? Is that what you do? Do you keep them to yourself or do you send them to your SICK pedophile friends? See dear Dad, you are beyond being just a pedophile, you have done this to me MY WHOLE LIFE. You are criminally insane. You stalk me, you call me, you IM me during my shows, you won’t go away. You just won’t, will you?

You have it in your sick little head that I am your “boyfriend”, and when I refuse you, you get mad and kick into “bastard mode” and beat me, rape me and hurt me. Should I tell them Daddy? Should I tell them how you came to me right before Christmas? How you BROKE INTO MY APARTMENT? How you drug me out of my bed, how you bound me…and CANED ME, like I was in some other country being punished. Do you want me to tell them how you caned me so hard and so violently that you caused nerve damage to my back? Yes, and I will also tell them how you RAPED ME with many different things while you had your SON — who has TERMINAL cancer, end stage renal disease AND DDD — tied up so tightly I couldn’t feel parts of my body? Or maybe I should tell them how I lost so much blood that I had to have two pints in the hospital. Yes, I think I will tell them as well that Kevin found me and flung his body onto mine to try to stop the bleeding. How nice you are for leaving me like that Daddy. It was such a nice christmas pressie. It was even nicer when two of the cops that showed up, laughed and figured that since I was this age and it happened, that I some how WANTED it. Oh yes Daddy, that is every son’s wish isn’t it? To have the man who is suppose to raise them, to love them and protect them, RAPE THEM, BEAT THEM, SCAR THEM, BURN THEM, STAB THEM, PUT THEIR HANDS ON A LIT STOVE, SHOVE THINGS THAT HURT INSIDE OF MY BODY, KILL THEIR PUPPIES AND RUB THEIR FACE IN THE GUTS AS YOU GET OFF BY RAPING THEIR  5 YEAR OLD BODIES.

Oh, Daddy, I could go on about the ritualistic tortures you have done to me. It wasn’t a one, two or even three time thing, was it? It has been going on since I was a tiny child. How old Daddy? Was I 2, 3, 4 when you started? I remember 4, was it younger? You SICK FUCK. How DARE you take away my innocence? How DARE YOU scar up MY body, so horribly that for most of my life I have been ASHAMED for the people I love to see me  nude? You took my nice body and destroyed it. Does that get you off too? When you force yourself on my body, my body that is riddled with cancer and pain, do you smile to yourself when you see the scars you have left me with? My back has NO smooth skin left, NONE you bastard! I have scars all over my body! Oh sure, some of them I did myself,  but WHY did I start cutting Daddy? Because of YOU, because the emotional and physical pain you left me in, left me feeling NOTHING, so I have to CUT to feel alive. You have made me feel DEAD!!! You caused a 15 year heroin addiction, you caused me to have SEXUAL problems in my life, you are in every aspect of my life. FUCK I can’t even SLEEP and get away from you, you mother fucker!

You have made me have flashbacks, night terrors, you have caused my OCD, you have made me a germophobic mess. Oh you know that don’t you Daddy? Do you remember all the times you would make me go outside and clean up YOUR dogs shit with my bare hands? You remember that dog, don’t you? The nice doberman you taught to bite and attack me, causing my fear of big dogs. You remember tossing quarters in the garbage cans at home and making me dig them out with my bare hands, while I cried? Oh, I remember it Daddy, every single thing you’ve EVER done to me. I remember.

You  were good though. Really you were. You programmed me at such a young age you were able to control me. You still control me, I see you and I fall to my knees and cower like that 5 year old boy again.  “Don’t Scream, Don’t Tell” , remember that mantra you made me repeat to you over and over again as you SHOVED YOUR ADULT COCK into my child body? DO YOU REMEMBER IT DADDY??? You have made it so hard on me. So very hard. I want people to KNOW about you, how you STILL hurt me. How I DO NOT want it or ask for it. Yet most do…yes most think I must be “asking for it.” You love that don’t you? It gets you off, I know it does. You have made it so people don’t understand how I can allow you to STILL hurt me, how I can still “play the victim”. Good job, Daddy, you have left me with very few people to turn to that can help me, but wait, I want to let you know. I have found some people, and they are WATCHING OUT for me! Does that bother you? I know it does, you are so fucking jealous of ANYONE around me. You write me your SICK IM’s, you call me with your jealousy, you threaten me? Does it make you feel like a big man Daddy?  To know that I cower before you?  

Let me ask you Daddy, what is next in your “gifts” to me? You know, the ones you always end up sending my way at holidays, my birthdays? Remember that one Christmas about 2 years ago, you gave me my blood stained t-shirt you had saved, along with a length of CHAIN with my hair still tangled into it? My God Daddy, that shirt was so small, how old was I when you beat me, then removed it from my broken body to save? Was I about 6 or so? It sure looks about that size. How many other gifts have you saved? I know about the videos and pictures. Yeah, how wonderful of you to fuck that up to. YOU have made me scared to have my picture taken…you’ve made it so that my family and my children have no pictures of me to save when this CANCER finally takes me away from them. Are you going to cry when I die Daddy? OHHHHH wait, that’s something else I forgot to tell the people who read my blog. Should I tell them of your sick obsession to die with me? AH, well I think I will! Yup, that’s right, they will know about you wanting to come to me, beat me and rape me, bleed me until I am dead, then lay your son raping, child fucking body on top of mine and kill yourself. How Romeo and Juliet of you Daddy.

Get it OUT OF YOUR HEAD! I am NOT YOUR LOVER, YOUR BOYFRIEND, EVEN YOUR SON ANYMORE! Get this…I HATE YOU!!! Yes I am saying it, I HATE YOU! I tried, in my own madness, to hold on to SOME shred of hope that ONE day you would tell me you were SORRY and that you LOVED ME. I held out ALL these years for ONE ounce of your fucking love. And I think I will tell everyone how you fooled me. How you fucked with my head and heart ONCE again. Remember Dad, before you attacked me right before the holidays last year? You called me, you were contrite, you were apologetic. You wanted to show me you were sorry. Oh and stupid me, and my childhood dreams of having a DAD, let me have a lapse in judgement and I let you INTO my life. I wanted you to LOVE me in the RIGHT way, not your sick way. Yeah maybe I am sick too, who knows, but I know I wanted to hear that SORRY and that I LOVE YOU and it be a real I love you, not some sick “You’re my lover and you will like when I fuck you, and you will moan for me boy when I fuck you…I love you, you’re my boy, just don’t make me mad and it will feel sooooo good!” OH FUCK YOU. It never felt good, you MADE me pretend out of fear of being hurt WORSE by you. IT NEVER FELT GOOD DAD, you hear me? You fooled me good, then you used that ONE ounce of love I had left for you to hurt me again. You broke into MY apartment and NEARLY got your wish didn’t you? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, SON RAPING BASTARD. You sick son of a bitch!! I do not have that ounce of love left for you DAD. Got it? The only thing I feel for you is HATE, SEETHING, RAGING HATE.

Yes Daddy, I have RAGE inside of me so deep and so big it scares ME. I have held it in all these years, let it fester inside me. Building, building…well Daddy, it’s at the surface and yes, it is scaring me. I have NEVER felt hate  and anger like this before. And you know what Daddy? It’s all here, waiting for you, just waiting. BRING IT MOTHER FUCKER! I know you are plotting another way to hurt me, I KNOW YOU, I know you better than ANYONE. Well bring it, I am waiting. I am CALLING YOU OUT. You want me??? BRING IT! I will unleash years and years of hurt, rage, confusion, pain, terror and HATE on you!

I hate you. I simply fucking hate you. I am NO LONGER your victim. I am no longer the boy you can fuck and hurt. You hear me? NO MORE! I am DONE WITH YOU! Yes, you pushed my final button. Did you really, in all your fucking sickness, really believe it would never happen? That I would just keep on taking it until I died? I hate you……..

The gift you gave me, the madness, it is out, it’s full force and it is waiting for YOU.

Love,

Your son….

insomnia…fear…

Thanks “Dad” for fucking me up in so many ways. I can’t sleep, I am in what I call my “dad induced insomnia” period again. I am beyond exhausted, to the point of it affecting my body and mind, but I CANNOT sleep. I get scared, and I just KNOW if I sleep before the sun starts to come up I might die. *SIGH* Thanks “Dad” for causing this in me by sneaking into my bedroom in the night and threatening me if I made a sound as you raped and tortured me. I really appreciate these unending nights, up alone, staring at the computer screen until I feel I might go blind–just to try to get rid of the thoughts and memories of YOU, you fucker!! Why did you do this to me? Why can’t I just be normal for ONE day??

I know what set me off, I heard a sound outside, behind my apartment, I looked out from my upstairs window but you can’t see the patio area below. I just KNEW it was “Dad” again, coming to hurt me. I called a cop that has been really great since the last “episode” with Dad not too long ago. He will come when I am scared and patrol around, check things out. He told me he saw nothing, but did that help me? NOPE. My mind kicked into overdrive and I just KNEW “Dad” must have seen him coming and hid, that he was just waiting for him to leave so he could get into my apartment and hurt me again. So here I fucking sit at 5:20 AM, just waiting for a peek of daylight so I can lay down and rest. I am hurting all over, my eyes are burning, I feel so fucking sleepy. I know this routine all too well. Usually once the “Dad” insomnia kicks in, it lasts from a few days to a month, fuck!!! I am too sick for this right now!

“Dad” I really thank hate you for fucking up my mind at such a young age. You really screwed up my whole life! You trained me well, didn’t you, you motherfucker!! I hope YOU are happy, because I sure as hell am NOT! I am miserable, I have went from pure anger to crying tonight because of  YOU!! Why can’t you just GO AWAY, stop your obsession with me. JUST STOP IT!

God, I am exhausted….

Oh My God I am FURIOUS!!

Rant/foul language warning….

I am SO fucking pissed. As most of you know, my oldest daughter got involved with a stupid boy in August, drove him while he went on a robbery spree and got put in jail. Well–the judge dropped the charges on Mel after she spent 60 days in jail on the condition that she pay restitution (which we did), and that she move to Georgia with her mother and step-father (which THEY suggested to the court). So today I call them to make arrangements to come get Mel and get her settled down here (she has been here the last week for the holidays with me), and they suddenly inform me that they aren’t going to let her come down because they “don’t have the resources” to have her and “can’t afford another mouth to feed”. WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL and I DO?? I have NO income, NO money, NO food. NOTHING. I am SICK, I am DYING and on top of it all I am facing a major surgery on my SPINE. THEY on the other hand are HEALTHY, they both WORK, they just bought a brand new SUV and a fucking motorcycle, they buy the biggest and best electronics, all that bullshit, yet they can’t afford to take Mel down there and help her get a job, get into school and get a place to live after THEY told the court they would? They also took her car down to their place so she has NO car here, no WAY to get to a damn job or to school. I am legally blind and they took my license away, I can’t drive her! They have MONEY, they have the “resources” to help her. I told them today “What are you doing to me? To Mel? I don’t even have any food in this house NOW to feed myself and her.” They said “Well, we can’t help you or her, we can’t give you money to feed her.” OH MY GOD the fucking assholes. They are SO pathetic. Then for the cherry on top, they told me it was MY fault that Mel got put into jail. *SIGH* Yeah you fuckers, just kick me when I am down and try to make me feel like shit why don’t you?

*I* am the one who raised her ALONE from birth, I am the one that has been there for her through thick and thin. I nursed her, I bought her what she needed, I taught her, I did everything for her, made her my world. Yeah she screwed up and got in trouble, she is remorseful, how the FUCK does that make it MY fault? How does it make me a bad father? Hell I have been both mother AND father to her. When she was born her mother said “I don’t want it, give it to him”. IT? WHAT THE FUCK YOU BITCH, you called our daughter an IT and you want to label ME a bad parent. FUCK YOU, you fucking BITCH!! I am so mad, so hurt, I am beyond mad actually. I don’t know what to do, I am emotionally drained now from being so upset, from crying, from arguing with them. I can’t take it anymore. The fucking motherfuckers. How could they do this? OMG I hope karma bites them HARD right in the fucking ass.

I am shutting up for now. I am far to angry and only making myself shake here. I love my kid, we will get through this. FUCK YOU J & M….YOU both can suck my dick!!!