Posts Tagged ‘sadness

11
Sep
09

where were you?

 

When it happened, I was going through chemo, I had woken up feeling sick and turned on the TV. I was shocked, I thought it was some kind of sick joke at first…then I cried, now I sit here crying again. None of us will ever be the same after that day….I remember….
 

 

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07
Sep
09

today…such sadness

I know I didn’t write about this when it happened, but today we bury a beautiful little girl *SIGH*. Let me back up and tell you what happened.

Tasha was sleeping on her Mom’s bed, her mom was out of the room for about 5 minutes, evidently in that time Tasha woke up, crawled to the window to look out, must have fallen and got caught between the bed and the wall and suffocated *SIGH*.

She was my daughter’s fiancee’s niece and my daughter and her fiancee were pretty much raising her, so we are ALL grieving and heartbroken. It just goes to show you how fragile life is, and how fast we can lose someone we love.

Tasha was such a happy baby, so full of life, so beautiful and ALWAYS smiled. She was just 16 days shy of her first birthday when she passed away. How UNFAIR is that?!?! She never got to live her life, she never got to have a birthday….I will never understand why a baby has to die. It hurts so much, it hurts when you hear of ANY child dying, but when it’s one your close to, it rips your heart out of your body.

I am tearful and sad, heartbroken. And the viewing/wake is at 5:00pm today. I DREAD seeing her in her little casket, in her little cream colored dress they picked out for her. She will look like a sleeping angel I just know it.

Ok, I have to go, I have my 7 year old in the shower, then I have to shower and get ready…. 😦 I DREAD THIS. God, why?

R.I.P. baby girl….you are with the Angels now. You will not be forgotten.

tasha

 

09
Aug
09

two in one post…….

Today I have 2 anniversaries–

I lost my Papa 35 years ago today, but the pain of losing him has never lessened. I always ache for him, I always miss him and I always wonder what my life would have been like if he wasn’t taken away from me. For years I was angry at him for leaving me, now I just feel a void inside, and a piece of my heart died with him. HIS piece of my heart. Papa, I miss you terribly bad, I really wish you were here, I need you so much, especially right now. One day, I will see you again and I can’t wait for one of those amazing hugs you used to give me….I love you, my Papa. FOREVER.

missyou

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is mine and D’s 3rd anniversary. We are starting on year four together. D–I love you and I always will. Nothing could change that. You are imprinted on my heart and my soul. I know I am not quite the man you married, and I am sorry for that. Cancer has taken it’s toll on me. I am not the pretty, long haired boy you fell in love with. Sometimes I feel like a shell of that….but cancer hasn’t changed my love for you. Nothing could change it…it only grows. I don’t know what else to say, except Happy Anniversary and I love you…..

anniversary-love-you-more

01
Aug
09

where do *I* fit in?

sadnessI feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. It seems I lose friends left and right….people tell me they care, but then when I am down and out..sick, they don’t bother to contact me to see if I am ok. They get upset with me if I can’t do the things they think I should do…it is very disheartening.

I can’t really use myspace anymore, because of what happened with that person who lied to me and hurt me so badly. I don’t feel comfortable at myspace. I signed up at Facebook and hoped to make friends with people, especially D’s friends. I wanted to fit in there, but I don’t. I have come to that realization. I just don’t fit in. I tried.  I tried being nice to people, commenting on their status messages, notes, pictures, etc., but then if I write something it goes virtually ignored.  So I guess I don’t fit in there.

Now I find I don’t fit in with my family either. My sisters never come to check on me, call me..nothing. One will only call me if she thinks I have some money to try and bum me. The other sister only calls to try to get my pain pills, Neurontin, Tramadol from me. They go out to the movies, they go out to eat, they never offer to take me, they never bring me food. It’s pretty much always been that way and I try to accept it, but somedays it just HURTS.

Then today, I got rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. Mel and her fiancee were here and I heard them talking about taking his mom out shopping today and going out to eat Mexican. Mel goes “Oh I have enough of my own money to pay for Dad and K’s food, so they should go with us!”.  K got very excited and actually I did too, first because Mel thought to invite us and secondly because we are so low on food there’s barely anything to eat here. Her fiancee says “I have to use the bathroom.”, and calls Mel in there. About five minutes later, she comes out and says “I will just take you and K next week.”  I just looked at her in disbelief–then her fiancee came in here and said “Well Mom might get upset if we invite you without like a days notice.” I was fucking stunned. I was rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. WTF?  What is it? Am I too hideous to look at because I lost my hair? Because I have the “brown circles of chemo”? Are you all ashamed to be seen with me? Or is it that I am not worth spending money on?

I feel like I don’t fit in ANYWHERE. Anywhere except these four walls of my apartment. I NEVER get to go out to dinner because I never have the money. I would LOVE to just sit in a restaurant and order food and eat there. But that isn’t going to happen I guess, because firstly I have no money to take myself and K…and two I am evidently not good enough to have someone PAY for me to eat out. To get me out of this apartment.

Fuck it, somedays I wonder why I fight so hard to stay alive when I don’t fit in ANYWHERE.

I’m out. I have to go find K something to eat and I guess tonight will be another night I go hungry…….

15
Jul
09

hair today..gone tomorrow..

Well, I woke up this morning with quite a bit of hair on my pillow *SIGH*. I then went to put it up in a ponytail, ran my fingers through my hair and came back with huge chunks of it.  I can’t slowly watch my hair leave me yet AGAIN, so I went into the bathroom, cut what I could and put it in a bag to give to Locks Of Love then buzz cut it, and shaved it slick. Yeah, I cried the whole time…

I hate cancer, I really hate it. I have puked so much, my eye whites are bloodied, every muscle in my body aches…I am so weak I can barely open a coke can. Cancer takes so much from a person, it’s a horrible disease, and I REALLY wish they would give up the cure for it. I know it’s out there……somewhere.

So yeah, all my long beautiful hair is gone again…and I sit here typing to you bald and wondering when the rest of my body hair is going to fall out.

I’m out.

08
Jul
09

another reason humans piss me OFF…

So I am playing at Pogo today, just TRYING to relax. They have the new Boggle game there (yes it’s the old board game Boggle, but funner haha). I am playing, enjoying myself quietly, figuring this was stimulating my brain–the chemo makes me so foggy and my memory is not what it used to be. I smile to myself and feel good because I am remembering words from dictionaries I used to read (haha yes I used to read the dictionary) and I am flying through the game (I also type 80 WPM on a good day).

You cannot chat between rounds, so you don’t give away words to people, which I think is GOOD, and I usually don’t chat anyhow.  At the end one of the games I was “MVP” and my score was 211 which is REALLY high. I got giddy and felt GOOD about myself until a few people in the chat room start saying “No way you can get that score..” and “Oh some one is using a bot”….A BOT?!?!?! I typed in  “I am human, thanks…” and continued to play, after every round they kept talking about how it sucked that some people cheated, etc., etc. It REALLY hurt my feelings, so I just left the game room and I cried.

I can’t help it that I am smart, that I am Autistic and retain things. I wasn’t cheating, I was only playing the fucking game and enjoying myself, but of course you get a few stupid humans who want to cause trouble and upset people…I wanted to type in the chat “Hey I am Autistic with an IQ of 162, don’t be pissed if  I am smarter than you.” But I didn’t. I just left. Now I am scared to go play Boggle again, no matter what game room I am in, because I don’t want to be treated like that again. IT HURTS. I’m a very nice, quiet and gentle person…I don’t start trouble, hell as I said I RARELY even chat, so please don’t start shit with me. I don’t need it!!! It’s abusive and I don’t need it!!

LOOK people. If you see someone winning and excelling at a game don’t just assume they are cheaters. I KNOW some people do cheat and that sucks, but don’t be MEAN to some one when you don’t know their story. I am sensitive and YOU HURT ME!!! I am sick, weak, going through this fucking chemo and I didn’t need that crap today..Hell I haven’t even FELT like being on pogo at all until today…..and of course it had to get RUINED.

I hate mean people, they SUCK. Just leave me ALONE!!!!

meanpeoplesuck2

04
Jul
09

have you seen my childhood?

To me, this is THE most poignant song Michael Jackson every wrote. I have always loved it and cried when I hear it…because *I* lost my childhood as well…I am child-like…I am also eccentric and misunderstood….*sigh* anyhow…Have you seen MY childhood?

Childhood

Have you seen my Childhood?
I’m searching for the world that I come from
‘Cause I’ve been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart…
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities…
‘Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me…

People say I’m not okay
‘Cause I love such elementary things…
It’s been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood
I’ve never known…

Have you seen my Childhood?
I’m searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne…

Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I’m strange that way
‘Cause I love such elementary things,
It’s been my fate to compensate,
for the Childhood I’ve never known…

Have you seen my Childhood?
I’m searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly…

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.
The painful youth I’ve had

Have you seen my Childhood...




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