Posts Tagged ‘tears

07
Sep
09

today…such sadness

I know I didn’t write about this when it happened, but today we bury a beautiful little girl *SIGH*. Let me back up and tell you what happened.

Tasha was sleeping on her Mom’s bed, her mom was out of the room for about 5 minutes, evidently in that time Tasha woke up, crawled to the window to look out, must have fallen and got caught between the bed and the wall and suffocated *SIGH*.

She was my daughter’s fiancee’s niece and my daughter and her fiancee were pretty much raising her, so we are ALL grieving and heartbroken. It just goes to show you how fragile life is, and how fast we can lose someone we love.

Tasha was such a happy baby, so full of life, so beautiful and ALWAYS smiled. She was just 16 days shy of her first birthday when she passed away. How UNFAIR is that?!?! She never got to live her life, she never got to have a birthday….I will never understand why a baby has to die. It hurts so much, it hurts when you hear of ANY child dying, but when it’s one your close to, it rips your heart out of your body.

I am tearful and sad, heartbroken. And the viewing/wake is at 5:00pm today. I DREAD seeing her in her little casket, in her little cream colored dress they picked out for her. She will look like a sleeping angel I just know it.

Ok, I have to go, I have my 7 year old in the shower, then I have to shower and get ready…. ūüė¶ I DREAD THIS. God, why?

R.I.P. baby girl….you are with the Angels now. You will not be forgotten.

tasha

 

09
Aug
09

two in one post…….

Today I have 2 anniversaries–

I lost my Papa 35 years ago today, but the pain of losing him has never lessened. I always ache for him, I always miss him and I always wonder what my life would have been like if he wasn’t taken away from me. For years I was angry at him for leaving me, now I just feel a void inside, and a piece of my heart died with him. HIS piece of my heart. Papa, I miss you terribly bad, I really wish you were here, I need you so much, especially right now. One day, I will see you again and I can’t wait for one of those amazing hugs you used to give me….I love you, my Papa. FOREVER.

missyou

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is mine and D’s 3rd anniversary. We are starting on year four together. D–I love you and I always will. Nothing could change that. You are imprinted on my heart and my soul. I know I am not quite the man you married, and I am sorry for that. Cancer has taken it’s toll on me. I am not the pretty, long haired boy you fell in love with. Sometimes I feel like a shell of that….but cancer hasn’t changed my love for you. Nothing could change it…it only grows. I don’t know what else to say, except Happy Anniversary and I love you…..

anniversary-love-you-more

06
Aug
09

more memories of childhood…

Little warning–This may be triggering to abuse survivors…so read with caution.

 

We used to go to the country to visit Mom and Dad’s parents when I was young. We would go a few times a year. Dad’s parents lived on a farm–they treated me like crap, but I loved the farm, the barn, the horses, cows, etc. So when we would visit his parents I pretty much stayed out on the farm, hanging out quietly in the loft of the barn, I loved the peace and quiet of it all.

One day I was up in the loft of the barn and I heard my Dad and Uncle Jimmy calling for me. As you probably have read, every time I heard Dad’s voice fear swept through me. I sat quietly not answering them until I heard them getting closer to the barn. I knew if he found me and knew I intentionally didn’t answer him I would have been in trouble. So I climbed out of the loft and¬†went to him and my uncle. My uncle said “We want to show you something.” I cautiously followed them towards the house to this big tree that had some table like things made of wood. I had never known exactly what those things were and never really cared to ask, unfortunately that day I found out what they were used for.

Dad and¬†Uncle Jimmy had been out hunting and had killed a deer and a couple of squirrels. I was horrified to see the squirrels dead, lying on this wooden table thing. “We’re gonna teach you how to clean a squirrel, it will make a man out of you.” my Uncle said. I started to shake and back up. Dad told me to stay still, watch and learn. I started to quietly cry as my uncle cut into the poor little squirrel. I felt vomit rising up as he started to gut it. I want to run, but every time I would start to back up again, my Dad would give me the “look” and I would stop and cry¬†a little harder.¬† Then Jimmy pulled out the heart of the squirrel and held it in his hand telling me to look at it. I just stared, I couldn’t say a word, I think I was in shock, because it reminded me of what happened with my puppy Frisky.¬†Suddenly Jimmy¬†yells out “Catch!!!” and threw the squirrel heart as hard as he could and it hit me in the face and BURST.¬† I didn’t even know a heart could BURST like that!¬†Blood was all over me, the blow knocked me to¬†the ground, dazed and terrified. Dad and Jimmy¬†just LAUGHED at me.

I finally came to my senses and started to¬†scream. My mother heard me and ran outside to see me on the ground with blood all over me. She¬†knelt beside me on the ground and asked what the fuck happened and Jimmy said “Well I told him to catch it”. My mom stood up and got in his face and said “If you EVER do anything like this to my son again, I will have your balls in a jar, do you fucking understand me?”.¬† He just laughed again.¬†She told Dad she was leaving,¬† he could stay with¬†his stupid family if he wanted to, but we were getting in the car and going back to¬†my¬†Gramma¬†and Grandpa’s house (Mom’s parents).¬†She left Dad standing there with his stupid brother. We went¬†to¬†Gramma’s house and she¬†bathed me and held me while I cried and cried.¬†I hated Dad and my Uncle even more that day and I knew I would¬†NEVER hurt an animal, I would NEVER hunt an animal and I would NEVER go back to that house again…..

I hate guns, I hate hunting and I hate my Dad and Uncle for doing yet another thing to fuck up my mind.

01
Aug
09

where do *I* fit in?

sadnessI feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. It seems I lose friends left and right….people tell me they care, but then when I am down and out..sick, they don’t bother to contact me to see if I am ok. They get upset with me if I can’t do the things they think I should do…it is very disheartening.

I can’t really use myspace anymore, because of what happened with that person who lied to me and hurt me so badly. I don’t feel comfortable at myspace. I signed up at Facebook and hoped to make friends with people, especially D’s friends. I wanted to fit in there, but I don’t. I have come to that realization. I just don’t fit in. I tried.¬† I tried being nice to people, commenting on their status messages, notes, pictures, etc., but then if I write something it goes virtually ignored.¬† So I guess I don’t fit in there.

Now I find I don’t fit in with my family either. My sisters never come to check on me, call me..nothing. One will only call me if she thinks I have some money to try and bum me. The other sister only calls to try to get my pain pills, Neurontin, Tramadol from me. They go out to the movies, they go out to eat, they never offer to take me, they never bring me food. It’s pretty much always been that way and I try to accept it, but somedays it just HURTS.

Then today, I got rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. Mel and her fiancee were here and I heard them talking about taking his mom out shopping today and going out to eat Mexican. Mel goes “Oh I have enough of my own money to pay for Dad and K’s food, so they should go with us!”.¬† K got very excited and actually¬†I did too, first because Mel thought to invite us and secondly because we are so low on food there’s barely anything to eat here. Her fiancee says “I have to use the bathroom.”, and calls Mel in there. About five minutes later, she comes out and says “I will just take you and K next week.”¬† I just looked at her in disbelief–then her fiancee came in here and said “Well Mom might get upset if we invite you without like a days notice.” I was fucking stunned. I was rejected by my daughter’s fiancee’s family. WTF?¬† What is it? Am I too hideous to look at because I lost my hair? Because I have the “brown circles of chemo”? Are you all ashamed to be seen with me? Or is it that I am not worth spending money on?

I feel like I don’t fit in ANYWHERE. Anywhere except these four walls of my apartment. I NEVER get to go out to dinner because I never have the money. I would LOVE to just sit in a restaurant and order food and eat there. But that isn’t going to happen I guess, because firstly I have no money to take myself and K…and two I am evidently not good enough to have someone PAY for me to eat out. To get me out of this apartment.

Fuck it, somedays I wonder why I fight so hard to stay alive when I don’t fit in ANYWHERE.

I’m out. I have to go find K something to eat and I guess tonight will be another night I go hungry…….

25
Jun
09

will YOU listen?

fuckcancerSo will you listen? Yeah you, the one reading…will YOU listen to me? I really need to talk, to get this off my chest…are you going to listen, or are you going to just shut the browser window or go to another page? I sit here and I cry…I need to talk….I need someone to listen…I am FUCKING SCARED. I can finally breakdown and cry because K is asleep, I am scared…I am bruised all over again, my nose and gums have been pouring blood, yeah I¬†am in trouble again.

I had lab work done this morning and got the results this evening. I didn’t tell D, because she is leaving for her trip to LA with her daughter tomorrow morning and why worry her? You know? *SIGH* My doctor said I have become resistant to the Gleevec so it’s not working for me anymore. My blasts are at 23% (over 30% is blast crisis for which they will normally do nothing but pallative care) so right now I am accelerating.¬† They want to do¬†6 weeks of Prednisone and¬†a continuous drip of Vincristine. I will have to get another central line put into my chest so I can get a pump and do this at home. I will have a nurse come in and help me, I HATE that idea *SIGHS*. After my course of Vincristine I will stay off the Gleevec (which has stopped working) and go on a drug called Sprycel twice a day…and hopefully we can get this shit under control again.¬† So yeah I am scared…am I going to lose my fucking hair again? Puke until I rupture blood vessels in my throat again?? GOD!!!

FUCK YOU cancer, I really, really HATE YOU. I am just finishing up another course of radiation to find out I am really not done with some kind of treatment, THIS SUCKS! I am having severe bone pain and I STILL can’t fucking get proper ALL THE TIME pain management because I STILL have no insurance, the government fucks are still fighting me. I did get letters from my State Rep. and one of my State Senators, they were both appalled at how the SSA have been treating me and are going to get involved. I hope they can help me. I really, REALLY need it now.

AH fuck it, I am going to play a game until my eyes won’t stay open anymore….Slingo Supreme¬†here I come. Thanks to anyone who listened………..I had to get it off my chest before I exploded.

24
Apr
09

Protected: lifes a bitch, then you die, if you’re lucky…I’m not lucky.

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22
Mar
09

i wonder..

meanpeoplesuckI wonder why people think it’s ok to be rude/mean/nasty to me? I am always so nice to people, even if I don’t like them. I am nice to a fault, I don’t stand up for myself because I have an intense fear of someone being mean to me or being mad at me. So WHY do people think it’s ok to treat ME like shit?

I was playing in my league at Pogo, in Pinochle, and one of the DJ’s at HHR decided she would come and play (why I don’t know, they usually NEVER do). She didn’t speak to me when I came into the main room, then I had to play her in the tourney, she came to my table, I was nice, I wished her good luck, even gave a smiley. Did I get ANYTHING back? FUCK NO. She didn’t say “good luck”, “kiss my ass”, nothing. Not one word the WHOLE damn game. Talk about being hurt and uncomfortable. My stomach was churning and I got more hurt and pissed by the minute! WHY? Is it SO hard to be NICE to someone, especially considering I have done NOTHING to any of them? I’ve always been more than NICE. GOD!!!!

I am so upset right now, shaking all over, crying and soooo angry. I am really glad now I left the station, because they have certainly shown me they don’t give a shit about me, probably never did. So be it, but don’t fucking be rude to me when I am NICE.

God I have to walk this off, I can’t breathe. FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO THINK IT’S OK TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!!! FUCK YOU!




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